The face you make when you realise you’ve been saved by Everyone’s Minions Meme Sharing Facebook Mum.
With a real leaderboard shake up and more than a little bit of emotional manipulation this was always going to be Hell of a results show – and I for one welcome the resurgence of Pissy Gorka.
We start off, as things so often have in this Hell Year 2020, with a cue at the supermarket – and Neil is very mad that he’s at the back of the queue and going to be unable to buy a brand of toilet paper that doesn’t rip you to shreds
Lockdown 1 was truly a living nightmare.
Now every supermarket needs a security guard and amongst the Strictly Pros you would think the likes of Giovanni and Gorka would be the obvious choices, alas somehow in this bizarre pastel, 1950’s-cereal-advertisement-world it is Anton du Beke on door duty
I genuinely think I would have cast Katya as a security guard before him – he’s not chasing after anyone – he can barely do a week of these routines!
But this isn’t just an ordinary supermarket, this is the Strictly Supermarket Speed Date-a-Thon! Or is this just how supermarkets used to be? It’s been so long since I haven’t had to remain a trolley length between everyone else – maybe we did used to dance and sing amongst the aisles, buy men
(is Janette shoplifting in the background of that picture?) and scream a Homosexual Lament amongst the Home Baking ingredients because the hot guy you just tried to hook up with is straight
who knows, it feels like a period lost to the sands of time. By the way, Gorka trying to dance with that fake baby strapped to his chest is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen – he could have ditched it in the crisps and biscuits aisle.
And with everyone making a massive mess of this poor convenience store it’s up to Anton, Oti, Giovanni, Aljaz and Karen to clean it all up
Problematic optics on Aisle 7! But at least they realised that Anton was a terrible security guard and demoted him faster than the show did Graziano.
I did very much enjoy the fact Twitter went buck wild over the fact Katya was dancing in this routine
because despite Tess, Claudia and Zoe all constantly foghorning that these pro-routines have been recorded in advance and after 4 weeks of it – that’s entirely on you for being wilfully ignorant.
Speaking of our hostesses:
I wonder if the secret to having Tess look good is to send Vernon Kay to a remote Welsh castle every year? I’m willing to try it. Shirley meanwhile has opted for green, LIKE A SNAKE
🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍🐍. Look What You Made Me Do indeed.
And because the contingency producer decided to take pity on Claudia they have decided to separate Motsi and Bruno’s Skype calls and Motsi gets to host her own little recap and puts Bruno to shame because she actually seems to have watched the dances and isn’t reading off a screenshot of a Notes App that a producer sent to Bruno 5 minutes before recording like he’s a YouTuber apologising for another racial slur. I might even advocate for the Musings of Motsi Mabuse to be a regular feature.
Now to find out who is in the bottom 2 where Jamie Karen stand like two members of a mariachi band mourning their fallen vihuela playing brethren
Pour one out for him lads.
The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery:
And the first couple to find themselves in the bottom 2 this week are these two guest stars from the upcoming Chucky sequel
And when asked how they’re feeling Gorka responds with a very sharp and curt “Good. I’m excited to do it again.” while Maisie stands beside him trying her best to keep it together because she can’t quite fathom how being dressed as a terrifying Bratz Doll nightmare has landed her in the bottom 2. Tess asks Shirley for her advice to Maisie because “Maisie always follows your advice.” and Shirley just pulls this face
Because she told Maisie about her footwork last week and it wasn’t much improved this week – it’s your usual pat advice of “fight for your place.”.
Up on Claudia’s Covid Safe Carousel, Johannes is still trying to recover from his Beaker the Muppet style freak out over being called safe
And it is revealed that time has run out for Caroline and that next week she must face the Cha-Cha-Cha – very much looking forward to how much of it they can hide behind some high concept theme (Caroline Goes Whale Watching in Chile) because they absolutely have to try and keep Caroline around until Musicals Week by hook or by crook – imagine the outrage if she didn’t get to perform a Theatre/Jazz routine to Last Midnight from Into The Woods?
HRVY gets to talk about how he loves Mondays and it’s Tuesday he hates because he’s Not Like Other Girls™, JJ gets told that he should be very shocked to not be in the bottom 2 and begins formulating a plan to do his Charleston dressed as Winston Churchill and doing a Zoom call with Prince George because where else do you go from a military uniform and a chat with Prince Harry? And in the glaring light of Claudia’s mezzanine the disparateness of JJ’s authentic military uniform and Amy’s satin military pin-up Halloween costume becomes just that bit too glaring
And Aljaz waxes lyrical about how much he loves Clara and he remains The Best Boy – he’s like a happy little Labrador
we must protect him at all costs.
Now it’s time for music from The Vamps who I personally only really know from that time The One Show made them host a whole live set in the back of someone’s garden for 3 teenagers – which was very nice of them but also very awkward and I imagine got a fair few noise complaints from the neighbours, but at least they’re used to non-existent audiences.
They’re singing about getting married in Vegas while looking like 15 year old Rococo vampires:
Which is an aesthetic I deeply appreciate but it is somewhat at odds with the B&Q cherry blossom fairy lights that they consider set dressing:
And then on top that the lead guitarist just looks like he’s about to go to Wetherspoons with the lads and cause trouble for some girls who are just trying to get a taxi
Over with the judges Claudia gets Craig to defend Maisie’s lock stepping – Shirley listens to all of this praise looking like this:
Got something to share with the class, Shirley?
She finds herself having to defend her comments that Jamie’s samba was one of the best that’s ever been on the show (it was very fun but let’s not get carried away shall we?) – but as a surprisingly joyful samba, it was very good. Breaking Max down further into just individual pieces of anatomy – Anton is very partial to his left arm and proceeds to call Dianne “his lady” which is both weirdly gross and rude. And don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about the Periwinkle Phantom
His entire contribution to the conversation being to heap praise upon Clara (I’ll allow it) which in turns is just a long walk to dropping a clanger of an insult about Craig being 100 years old. Quite why Craig is the object of this joke when Anton Du Beke – the Waltzer of Genesis is sitting right there is a little bemusing – but I do enjoy a cross Atlantic bitchfest – can Shirley skype with Donny Osmond next?
The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery Continues:
And joining Maisie in the bottom are:
Max and Dianne being in the bottom isn’t too much of a surprise – he hasn’t been the most exciting contestant but in a normal world being a boyband member and doing an American Smooth to a Harry Connick Jr. track with Dianne should really have seen him getting through quite easily. I’m more surprised that Ranvir cobbled together more votes than Maisie after doing one of the most awkward cha-chas I think we’ve ever seen and being an ITV presenter.
Anton’s advice for Max is that he, Anton du Beke, King of the Ballroom, Protector of the Waltz, The Unwon and The Breaker of First-Out Records, believes in him – which is more than he ever did Jacqui Smith. And the nation begins wondering if having a very nice left arm is suddenly good enough to get you through a stint in the bottom 2.
Back with Claudia – there is a very excited, confused and panicked Jamie Laing who doesn’t quite know how to process what happened this weekend and he and Karen reveal that they will be dancing a Street routine next weekend – so with him and JJ having two very popular dances that often see you safe next weekend could be another belter of a results fiasco! Add to the fact Ranvir has the first Argentine Tango of the series and it could get even wilder because she pulled off the sexiness of the paso in week 1 – so I imagine she’ll be more comfortable with this brand of sauce than she was with the cha-cha vibe. And she is looking a little eager
I do love that she is revelling in the rumours that she and Giovanni are having a salacious relationship though – I would have that put on my gravestone.
Oti praises Bill’s emotional stability, which sounds like a read on Kelvin, Graeme, Jonnie, Danny Mac and (who could forget) Anthony Ogogo. Bill is just delighted that he gets to embarrass his 17 year old son who sends him begrudging WhatsApp messages while his mum holds him at gunpoint.
The dance off is quite interesting because Max did thoroughly improve on his technique – his posture is much better, his arm extensions are marginally less of a karate chop and the flow through the routine is much smoother and elegant. There is still an awkwardness to it and very pronounced concentration on his face
Whether he’s trying to remember his steps or to not scream a tirade of unhinged expletives into Dianne’s face at the end of the dance could be debated.
Maisie’s has the benefit of being an objectively more fun and loud routine, I did enjoy that amongst the Pepto-Bismal tones of their dollhouse set Max is standing at the back of the stage looking like a hitman from John Wick
There are a few moments of footwork from Maisie that did look a little uncontrolled and sloppy – particularly in middle of her routine – but that lock step is KILLER.
When it comes to the Judges’ Votes both Craig and Anton decide to save Maisie – apparently 1 very nice limb isn’t good enough to save you. BUT THEN – Shirley decides to reveal that NO, she would have saved Thicc Necked Max and His Very Nice Left Arm – the lack of a cut to Gorka’s face during this revelation is a travesty and I look forward only to his It Takes Two interview where we will get to bask in the full glory of Pissy Gorka – can’t wait for his and Shirley’s Twitter spat – it’s a Strictly tradition at this point.
Max gives a very lovely goodbye and hypes Dianne up in a very sweet way and he was clearly popular with the other contestants – unfortunately his Best Bits Montage doesn’t include the now infamous “FUCKING GET IT!” – guys, it was the one glimmer of personality we saw! Dianne very nearly loses it entirely after the montage and poor TessBot has to try and emulate complex human emotions and unfortunately modern technology has only gotten us as far as a little baby voice with an edge of pity.
And then it’s time for Max and Dianne to prom dance themselves off the show:
But VERY interestingly Shirley decides to pull an Andrew Lloyd-Webber and storm off early while everyone claps:
I’m so excited for this to unnecessarily escalate into various bitching sessions on It Takes Two. Inject it straight into my veins baby.