The Shame Chimney may be gone but we do have the new Panic Corridor!

This recap contains 10 times the recommended amount of sugar.

Pairs and Graces

For this Pairs Challenge both teams would be tackling desserts of incredibly uneven workloads. Team Number One were Dawn and Michelle

while the second team was of course Jamie and Chris tackling the challenge in a distinctly unique way because Jamie didn’t seem to entirely understand the challenge

and in the end I think Chris flying only by what the almighty algorithm had taught him

ended up giving Jamie as many instructions as Jamie gave him

and in no uncertain terms only viewed Jamie as his personal assistant

the two of them were having to make a Raspberry Mille Feuille and because the pastry was already made for them, the only real workload was making their creme patissiere. And fielding the plates that Chris was flinging at you

whereas Dawn and Michelle had to make a custard, a jam and an almond frangipane for their Bakewell Tarts. The show had seemingly noticed this imbalance and thrown in some chocolate shards for them to make that were noticeably absent from the picture of the Mille Feuille

colour printing? IN THIS ECONOMY?
And then in a moment that I am still trying to parse, Jamie explicitly tells Chris to crumble the chocolate on top of his mille feuille

so Chris, understandably, crumbles the chocolate on top of the mille feuille

Jamie Lomas however, for reasons only known to himself, justs piles it up on the side like pieces of scrap metal

I want to study this man’s brain – it’s like his hands were committing a mutiny and emancipating themselves form his cognitive functions. But the other team could’ve been even more disastrous given that Michelle had instructed Dawn to bake their Frangipane Tarts without the frangipane

and we’d almost have had an all time clanger had it not been for that meddling judge and her costume jewellery!

I think they just felt sorry that Dawn had just dumped ten times the necessary quantity o sugar into her custard at Michelle’s behest

Instead their biggest error ended up being their jam which Michelle decided to make in a frying pan, which does speed up the process but “a frying pan of jam” just sounds disconcerting

and so Dawn ended up with a much runnier jam that didn’t quite set properly.
The trade off in workload was apparently that at least Michelle and Dawn wouldn’t have to worry about presentation all that much

but I’d argue that putting a Mille Feuille together isn’t exactly rocket scien-

fair point, well made.

A Two Course Race

Helping to judge this week’s Quarterfinal was the class of 2024, although Craig Doyle was otherwise disposed so they’d gone to the cupboard of Gladiators and powered up Nitro for the occasion

I’m still mad that I’m having to wait this long for Viper to make an appearance somewhere competing fully in character the entire time. I want to see this surly menace snarling his way through a Charleston or just trying to cook a whole turkey through the power of an intimidating stare alone

it’s at least the power of a 900 watt microwave.

Jamie was getting the ball rolling and doing a true MasterChef throwback with his starter of Scallops with Pea Puree and a Black Pudding Crumb

I haven’t heard that name in years

it mostly got positive reviews – some of the scallops were a little bit overdone because he’d fried them with all the care Dawn afforded her first batch of neglected tattie scones

but the ratio of well cooked scallops to overdone ones leaned mostly in his favour.

For his main course Jamie was doing a rack of lamb with a disappointingly singular hasselback potato

truly Jamie is the person that Dawn should be looking to for inspiration in her quest to prove she can do small plates of food

the way she said this and then instantly began describing a seven element roast dinner that includes both a sausage roll and a pork fillet <3

I truly think it’s impressive how she manages to make everything look like a banging Christmas dinner and nobody was happier than Vito who had the same look on his face while eating as the family labrador that got its own Christmas dinner

you can’t argue with that review.

Dawn’s starter was equally impressive in the eyes of Vito who had been introduced to the power of a tattie scone

I was sceptical of this dish and it certainly wasn’t going to win Dawn any prizes in a beauty contest

and nor were her thoroughly degraded prawns

when will the unrealistic beauty standards for crustaceans end!?

Chris had also gone for a Prawn Starter, simply baking them wit chorizo and serving it alongside a slice of sourdough bread

that’s almost less cooking than Uma Jammeh barely bothering to cut up her tuna for a tartar and despite being simply three things on a plate it still wasn’t particularly nice

his main course was more successful and came with a tragic tale if his brush with the glue factory

they’ve told him he’s not allowed to do a dish honouring Katchit.

His Monkfish dish was a dish of two halves – the Monkfish wrapped in prosciutto with the red pesto was excellent but the addition of the sweet potato puree was an odd one

he probably should’ve just gone for a regular mash or recreated the pommes puree he did during the session with Poppy O’Toole.

Lastly we have Michelle who probably needs to give up trying to get The Heaton Family Crumble Recipe from catching on because she is yet to bake a crumble that has the consistency of a crumble

and her main course of a free-form shepherd’s pie was about as successful as her trying to sit down

I don’t know what makes someone look at mince and mashed potato and think “Yes, that’s perfect for structural integrity” like the fourth little pig that didn’t even get the honour of making it into the nursery rhyme because history is written by the victors

just scoop it, it’d look the same!

A Two Course Menu Dish Ranking:
1. Jamie’s Roast Dinner Restraint
2. Dawn’s Everything Pork
3. Chris’s Thoroughbred Monkfish
4. Jamie’s Vintage Throwback
5. Dawn’s Butterface Prawns
6. The Family Heaton Crumble
7. Chris’s Minimal Prawns
8. The Fourth and Forgotten Little Pig’s House of Mince

It came down to a choice between sending home Michelle or Chris. More out of a need to build suspense than anything else – both of Michelle’s dishes were pretty panned across the board whereas Chris at least had the monkfish to fall back. So, quite fairly, it was Michelle saying goodbye

and so, only one more heat to go!