The spatula was actually a mafia threat from Giovanna Fletcher.

Welcome to The Week 7 Results and Complete Breaking of Adam Peaty’s Mother.

As ever we start the Results Show with a Pro Dance, this time the theme being Nikita Lost and Scared in Ireland

and his partnering lead in this Irish themed routine is Dianne, imaginable because she’s the only one with red hair – shouldn’t have shaved your head Neil, that’s your penance. Nikita might have wished he’d had a trim before this routine though because his DiCaprio Curtains were doing everything in their power to scupper his wooing of Dianne

Well, that and Aljaz being A Good Boy and rescuing her from these unwanted advances

I’m sure there is much discourse to be had about theming an Irish jig mostly around horniness and a girl having a dreadful time – and of course the Irish folk cover of Safety Dance being… a choice but at least the show had brought in some professionals because… well, I’ll let Neil illustrate

I’m really sorry to repeatedly drag Neil in these recaps, I do genuinely like him, I SWEAR! But someone has to be The Anton and I’m doing everything in my power to prevent it from being Karen.
So it was up to Callum and Maurice to supply the authentic jigging

and yes, they were relegated to being on the bar counter for the whole routine. It’s fine. This is fine.

Sadly neither Claudia or Tess took this opportunity to dress up as a tavern wench and instead Claudia had raided the New Look staples collection and Tess had come dressed as the Quality Street you regretted unwrapping

and I would give anything in the world for Tess to swap trousers with Shirley, just for the insane sartorial thrill of combining her glittery crepe top and Shirley’s sequined trousers

Take risks, be stupid! – That’s essentially the Strictly motto.
Motsi was of course rocking the Insta Baddie look

and Anton was ready for his matinee performance at Dimmare’s Martinis and Magic

and Craig wore monochromatic black so no screenshot for him.

And we’re straight in to the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery because Tess apparently has somewhere to be:

Glad to see everyone seems to be getting better at these, IT’S ONLY TAKEN 7 WEEKS – Rhys executed a perfect Shocked Bychkova.
And of course there’s the first members of our bottom 2

How dare the British public not respect the sacred art of the Chess Themed Tango!? On the plus side, Tess doesn’t do nearly as much baby-voicing as I thought she would – I had expected when this inevitably happened that she’d go nuclear and we’d have to evacuate the whole of of the South-east.
As for the advice to Tilly, Anton basically tells her to just do the same thing she did the first time around, which Tess asks if its useful advice and Tilly and Nikita’s faces very much suggest it was not

I mean she was inevitably going to be up against Adam and Katya or Dan and Nadiya so really there wasn’t anything worth worrying about except perhaps for Shirley’s general fondness for Adam’s posterior. She’s only human.

Up with the safe couples and we learn that Amy Dowden is most likely the next Strictly professional destined for the MasterChef kitchen after revealing that she has no idea how to cook and allegedly strains pasta with a spatula. I cannot wait for her to cause John Torode to have a full meltdown as she does something dreadful to a boiled egg. We also learn from these two that Amy has a Burn Book full of everything Tom does wrong and she forces him to read it every Wednesday, which honestly might outdo both Oti and Nancy in the obscene torture stakes.
From AJ and Kai we get the news that they’ll be doing a Paso Doble next weekend, I eagerly look forward to which deadly Australian animal AJ gets dressed up as for Kai’s entertainment – Platypus OR DEATH, that’s my bargain Vicky.
And Rhys’s therapy sessions are going well, we’re happy for him.

And now for the show to weirdly remind us that The Script exists and instead of singing their current, new song, Danny Off Of The Voice and From The Script, instead sang Superheroes from 2014 while accompanied by a performance from Karen and Gorka who had, in what is seemingly becoming a tradition for the guest performer segment, been dressed by Decathlon

MY KINGDOM FOR SOME SEQUINS VICKY.
They did also seemingly take a while to get onto the dancefloor, mostly because the song never really gets going, which did leave Danny and his Indie Rock Dracula Hairline stranded on the floor alone giving it his all

Bless his little heart.

In the judges debrief, Motsi sings a whole bar of Let It Go to Shirley and has thus completely bankrupted the Musicals Week budget, so I’m not going to get my hopes up for that If I Only Had a Brain Charleston from Tom and Amy, but hey, maybe we’ll get that Chess themed Tango from Chess: The Musical.
And Craig is given the opportunity to give his reasoning for the 9 he gave AJ’s Charleston and it’s apparently for a petty left foot swivel and “it could just be better” – maybe tell her that in your critique then, yeah?

Anyway, before I get too far into my championing of Charleston Justice, it’s on to the second instalment of The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery

My kingdom for John and Johannes to look to camera, I SWEAR TO GOD BOYS. I remain delighted with Nadiya’s perfect execution of the artform, a perfect illustration of her faith in both Daniel and the general public’s bad decision making.
Joining Tilly and Nikita in the bottom 2 is…

it’s up to Motsi to give Adam some advice, which comes down to just trying to be slightly more relaxed and confident in his abilities because it’s a great routine and he’s clearly capable of it.
From the safe couples we learn that Dan and Nadiya are on the American Smooth next week and dancing to King of the Road by The Proclaimers – I’m just wondering what the chances of Vicky Gill whipping up a high-viz top and tails is? And if Nadiya will allow it, you’ve gone the full crab you might as well just embrace it all at this point.
John and Johannes are continuing in Latin with a Samba, we’ll just have to pray that the double denim samba trend doesn’t catch on.
And Giovanni once again mostly uses the Claudia Chat to wax lyrical about how amazing Rose is, which honestly more people should do

those are my terms, there are no conditions.

And now it’s off to the dance off, which is incredibly equal in over all quality, Adam did go wrong almost immediately with a fudging of the pool cue

but he did mostly recover, I picked up on a few more timing issues, especially towards the front of the dance and he is still very much occasionally inclined to kick like a donkey doing a breaststroke – you can take the boy out of the water… But it certainly wasn’t a bad performance, I think Nikita and Tilly’s just had more panache and personality – I was worried for them though because the floor projections were noticeably behind

not that that was their fault but I imagine it must throw them off somewhat. While I think Adam lost a little bit of his attack in the dance off, Tilly’s had significantly more drive and strength to it

that kick and the drop afterwards is a superb combination of moves and worked much better this time around. It also felt a lot more like Tilly was pressing in to Nikita

whereas before it very much seemed like she was hesitating against him.

the judges of course umm and aah over their decision, Craig mostly doing so because he absolutely forgot Tilly’s name and Motsi made it sound a little bit like she was saving Tilly and Nikita mostly because she liked their song better, which I’m sure has The Express writing an infinite amount of bad faith clickbait – Hell, they milked Dan Walker running off screen when he got an 8 from Shirley for all it was worth.
The only person who wouldn’t have saved Tilly and Nikita was Shirley, which has seemingly driven Adam Peaty’s mother off the deep end and she is currently going Full Embarrassing Parent with claims the whole show is fixed to benefit BBC employess. It’ll be interesting to see if this all turns the tide against Dan and Nadiya or just makes me toss 3 extra votes to them every week.

And so we of course have to say goodbye to Adam and Katya who see off the show by revisiting their greatest hits

it is a great injustice that we never got that shirtless Paso doble is all I’m going to say.

And so, 8 couple advance on to what I’m sure is going to be The Shock Boot of the Season next weekend

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