It’s her last patented Leg Lift of the series and she sure made it count.
With a topsy turvy leaderboard and particularly unpredictable audience reactions this was always going to be an unusual results show.
Yesterday the pros showcased the seedy underbelly of Blackpool with Katya our Tour Guide of Depravity – so today the pros are showcasing a much more sedate aspect of Blackpool:
Registry office shotgun weddings! I like that they’re playing around with the pro pairings a lot more this year – even if it does mean making Dianne the antagonist in the ongoing Ranvir/Giovanni fanfic that Zoe Ball is writing – I will offer a £1000 reward for whoever finds it first.
Giovanni and Dianne’s elopement is weirdly set to a somehow bleaker rendition of Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars than either Snow Patrol or Ed Sheeran managed – a red flag for any relationship. The routine is that specific combination of saccharine and nostalgia that definitely makes it seem as though this was once the Remembrance Weekend number. They even have a petal drop
I question the umbrellas, at least have them be aesthetically pleasing, a dainty parasol perhaps? Not these giant black golfing umbrellas – this is a wedding, not a DC Comics funeral!
Lets see how Claudia and Tess are dressing for the wedding of Giovanni and Dianne
All guests wearing BHS sale rack items will be forcibly removed from the premises. Maybe Shirley did better:
WAS THE DRESSCODE HELL TROUSERS?
Before we get to the results we are treated to Bruno covering the events of The Main Show – by which I mean Bruno shows up looking like he’s delivering the Eurovision results from San Marino
and by covering the events, I mean it’s mostly playback of what the judges said with Bruno occasionally chiming in about the dances that he managed to watch on YouTube – noticeably absent is any opinion on Caroline and Johannes’ Cha Cha Cha – a dance seemingly computer generated to tick every single one of Bruno’s kinks.
ON TO THE RESULTS. Clara update?
Guys, can someone just whisper into her ear if she’s safe or not before they start? Because this is getting painful.
The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex face Gallery:
And the first couple to find themselves in the bottom are:
Brace yourselves for that roaming tongue.
Shirley is SHOCKED that Caroline is in the bottom 2 – which would make Shirley the only person in the UK surprised that people didn’t really take to the arm licking because you know, the whole PANDEMIC SITUATION.
Claudia’s Covid Safe Carousel isn’t the most illuminating series of interviews – Ranvir gets to hype up the makeup and costume departments and revealing that Giovanni isn’t too into tracksuits and sweatpants. Noted. Bill Bailey gets to brag that Janet Jackson slipped into his DMs but the person he most wants to impress is Oti, who doesn’t say much because the moment Bill even starts talking she is completely gone
She does compose herself enough to reveal that next week they will be dancing the Jive – I am putting £10 on them dancing to Swing The Mood by Jive Bunny, there is no way he wont and I eagerly await his informative short form documentary about novelty songs of the 1980s.
Karen has to do her best to try and not say that she’s basically had her luggage packed for the last few weeks in preparation for their exit and can’t quite believe that she and Jamie have not only clawed on through but with 2 10s to boot. Then Claudia and Jamie have a competition to see who can sound the most Waitrose while saying “Homeboy” – a contest I feel confident in saying was won by Jamie – I’ll send him a commemorative eggcup.
And then it’s A Medley of Bona Fide Bops from Billy Ocean while Nadiya gets to dance in a very slinky little gold dress
Looking like absolute dynamite. And then Nancy gets done dirty by being put in a bin bag for absolutely no reason
What did you do to Vicky Gill, Nancy? Did you get the coffee order wrong? Did you microwave fish in the haberdashery? Did you call a bead “a sequin”? Whatever you did, make it up to her by telling her how much you love fringe right now.
Up on the mezzanine with Claudia who has once again not been saddled with a dual Zoom call with both Motsi and Bruno – his internet was suspiciously unstable – and Motsi seemingly can’t be bothered to even pretend this is Sunday night and is just wearing the same dress as she was at the end of the Main Show
She was similarly in love with Jamie’s routine and how much fun it was – it could be noted that the slow-motion footage of Jamie’s routine they showed really highlighted how much it did not entirely deserve 10s.
Anton full confesses to not caring about technique and just gave Ranvir and Giovanni a 10 because they were just short of screwing each other with their eyes alone – it’s fair, I will allow it. Also, I hadn’t noticed that Ranvir and Giovanni were dancing on a projection of what I’m sure was meant to be a cobbled street but looked a lot more like the ground texture of a dungeon in an MMORPG
The kink really jumps out.
Shirley is still pulling wooby faces about Caroline being in the bottom 2:
SHE LICKED SOMEONE SHIRLEY.
And Craig decides to showcase his new hip and demonstrate hip isolations, or he would have but praise be to the camera operator who used this angle:
And saved us all the trouble of witnessing Craig Revel Horwood’s crotchular gyrations. I’ll recommend you for the New Year Honours List.
And then comes the point where Anton has to relinquish the judging seat back to Motsi, who had the most obviously pre-prepared, producer written joke and the worst comedic timing I have EVER heard – what an absolute gem she is, I can’t wait to have her back. But if they want to replace Bruno with Anton next year, I might be open to negotiating that, he got a lot better this weekend – it helped that they were allowed to do Bonkers Blackpool Scoring but he was thankfully less of an extension of Len Goodman.
The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex face Gallery:
And once again finding themselves both in the bottom 2 and on the perifery of unleashing a tidal wave of online pissiness are Maisie and Gorka
JJ looking more and more shell shocked every time he gets through is a never ending joy.
The advice for Maisie is much the same – basically she would have to dislocate a limb, get hit by a meteor and be patient zero of a new deadly disease before they eliminated her over Caroline.
Maisie does a really good job of just about keeping herself together – it must feel pretty awful coming to the realisation that you’re obviously getting the least votes at this point – and for someone so young and Extremely Online, that must hit hard.
Craig offers some great advice that Alesha Dixon was once in the bottom 2 and she still went on to win the show. He leaves out the point where Alesha was bottom 2 once and that was in Week 10 when there were only 4 couples left but the thought was nice.
Back to Claudia’s Covid Safe Carousel and Clara is just delighted to reveal that she is going to dancing to a Tina Turner song, I mean just look how insanely thrilled she is:
Give her 10s right now to be honest.
HRVY reveals that he and the Tango have finally broken up after a tumultuous week – there are somethings that couples therapy just can’t fix. He also reveals that he is a very sweaty boy which I didn’t really need to know but thanks for that SWTY.
But most excitingly of all, JJ reveals he will be dancing in a kilt which means SATURDAY NIGHT IS SKINNY LITTLE CHICKEN LEGS NIGHT! This is the content that I crave – and they had better leave them as lily white as they are in his training montages – I demand pale Scottish legs ONLY. Also, he liked ALL of my tweets about the short shorts he wears in training so I feel very called out.
While we’re here, do we believe FOR A SINGLE SECOND that JJ is watching the BBC3 drag queen review show? Because I have a hunch that he is not.
Maisie is first on to the dance off and the only thing they really had to improve on was having Gorka not toss her over his shoulder like she was a mackerel and the moment they do that and she lands perfectly
It’s all gravy from there. Her footwork is even sharper this time, I imagine the adrenaline of being in the bottom 2 really helps you keep your stamina up because she certainly doesn’t flag in the second half as much as the first time around.
And then it’s Caroline’s turn and the producers obviously stepped in because the ladder thrusting is certainly more distant
The licking is now just a nibble on the beard
But it does all end with a really sloppy kiss
As all good dates do.
Despite both dances being very good, it’s a unanimous decision to award Maisie a pair of low-slung glitter ball tits
Even Shirley can’t really bring herself to cause wanton chaos by saying she would have preferred to save Caroline and Johannes – I feel like that would really have been the final straw for Gorka.
It’s a pretty devastating send off for Caroline – Johannes is clearly overwhelmed and can’t bring himself to speak for most of it and when he does there’s a real weight to it – I feel like this partnership was transcendent for Johannes and he got as much out of it as Caroline did.
And then it’s up to Caroline and Johannes to joyfully clown us out for the evening:
I’m sad Caroline is out, but if she had to go I’m glad it was on a dance that was joyfully obscene and bawdy – it seems the perfect end for her. Can we bring her back for Musicals Week though?