All three of them should’ve been in neck braces from the velocity of these head turns.

How much time will you pay to read this recap?

Lights! Camera! Auction!

We have a new challenge kicking off the end of the Semifinal: Giorgio Locatelli’s Meat Auction

and it is by far and away the best challenge they’ve ever done on the show and I think largely worked so well because Shakira was savvy enough to realise that the format is redundant if you don’t have one of the contestant twirling a moustache while they crash the venison economy

the format needs a few tweaks, there needs to be more things for them to bid on because I think Shakira also realised that if she just waited for the last ingredient she gets a full 2 hours to cook it in which is more than enough time to work out what happens when you griddle a toad (the same thing that happens to everything else!)

I am also curious to know how this would’ve worked if Nitin was still in – would they have done all vegetarian options? Because Shakira would’ve had that man on his knees trying to cook the singular vegetarian option of a butternut squash in only 5 minutes. Other than Shakira breaking Ebay’s terms and conditions, the biggest rivalry was between Lauren and Emily starting a bidding war over Salmon with Lauren eventually winning by giving 50 minutes away for it

which wasn’t even the biggest pay out because I’m not convinced that Sue fully understood how auctions work

Lauren Steadman’s flabbers were absolutely gasted that Sue had just paid one whole clock for a chicken

Sue Cleaver has been banned from Antiques Roadtrip, the BBC simply does not have the budget for the potential liability of her dropping £300 on a paperclip from 1943. And with only an hour, her dish wasn’t great, the time limit ultimately impacting the accompaniments more than the schnitzel she’d used the chicken for

there just wasn’t enough time for her stuffed pepper to really cook down properly. Lauren was in a bit of a similar situation, having given away enough time to write a chapter of her PhD

and not leaving herself quite enough time to allow her fishcakes to properly bind together in the fridge, leading to her pan becoming a mass grave of salmon fishcakes

but the two survivors at least tasted very nice

and the judges were very complimentary of the flavour profiles of the dish – the salmon going very well with her dill, avocado and feta salad.

The dish I was most concerned about was Joe Pasquale having given away 40 minutes of his time for a rack of lamb that he had never cooked before

but if there’s one thing Joe Pasquale is very good at, it’s making shit up as he goes along

please let Evil Chris Packham here host Springwatch to tell us that Goshawks know British Sign Language, Pike are actually a species of chicken and Voles can run faster than a cheetah, they just don’t feel like it most of the time.
I was personally a little iffy on how cooked his lamb actually was, a problem probably exacerbated by the shirt he was wearing not giving me a great deal of faith

where does he even get these? But the judges thought it was perfectly cooked, their only issue was that it looked like he’d made an homage to Lauren’s mass grave of salmon fishcakes

ut it’s essentially an invention test, so I think you just have to be grateful when someone doesn’t serve you Venison and the Lindt Bunny you left too close to the radiator

the novelty Starbucks hot chocolate aside, Donna had a really good dish having cooked the venison perfectly, albeit after someone taking her aside and explaining to her that it’s not beef and stopping her from cooking it like a steak

she had all the right accompaniments with the beetroot, carrots and deserves a lot of credit for managing to get her fondant potatoes done so well in the time.

On the more generous end of the time spectrum were Emily and Shakira – the latter having conceded Livers to Emily without any sort of a bidding war

meaning Shakira ended up with two hours to cook a John Dory for having held out to the end

but, to paraphrase Hatsune Miku, sometimes the incredibly ugly fish chooses the chef and she kind of knocked this one out the park

she served it when Fondant Potatoes, a Beurre Blanc and Leeks a la TikTok

the only real struggle she’d had was filleting the fish, which I think is where the auction format could be improved. Make them bid time for help and advice, she’d have easily dropped 20 minutes for Tom Kerridge Performing an Interventive Beheading

but even as is, she did great with Grace declaring it the best dish of the series so far

and she will not let anyone forget that any time soon.

Emily’s livers were a little more hit and miss. She’d gone for a Moroccan influence, spicing the livers with cumin and paprika and serving them with an aubergine dip and flatbreads

it’s not a great looking plate of food, just a truly distressing amalgamation of colours, textures and smears. But it was all cooked pretty well, especially the livers which have tripped up many a contestant in the past.

An Auctioned Ingredient Dish Ranking:
1. Shakira Khan’s Villain Era
2. Fake Lamb Facts with Chris Packham’s Evil Twin
3. Liver, Let Die
4. Lauren’s Fishcake Survivor’s Guilt
5. Are You Winning, Venison?
6. Sue’s 60 Minute Chicken Makeover

Giving Me The Critic

One of the challenges I’ve been the most disappointing to see get the axe was the usual quarterfinal challenge where the celebs had to cook for a group of returning Celebrity MasterChef alumni who had to do their best to pretend they knew what they were talking about. Well, the dining room chamber is finally back in action as the celebrities have to cook for a trio of critics to decide who gets into Finals Week. We also add a shiny new critic to the roster with Jesse Burgess joining the cast

he is the host of the YouTube channel TOPJAW and was getting the full MasterChef Critic treatment of being served fish so raw you can actually hear its heartbeat

you’re only officially a member of the cast once you’ve popped an entirely raw scallop in your mouth and seen your partner’s career burn before your very eyes

the unfortunately raw fish was from Donna who had served it with a Parsnip Puree, a crispy spinach ball and the only sensible deployment of a Beurre Blanc you’ll see this challenge

it wasn’t a great dish – lacking any sense of real depth as the parsnip puree overwhelmed everything and made you feel like Bob Harper had made you eat a cup of soaked chia seeds at gunpoint

she was lucky that Jesse had seemingly gotten the raw deal in the game of Sea Bass Roulette with Giorgio’s being perfect

so she just had to hope that Joe Pasquale losing his goddamn mind and serving up the most baffling combination of bits and pieces would be reason enough to eliminate him: dijon mustard and panko breadcrumb tuna, beurre blanc, pea and mint puree, wasabi duchess potatoes and carrot slices. Giorgio looked SO tired

he has tried to teach Joe the culinary arts and all of it washes off like water off a duck’s back. It is such a bonkers tombola of components that everyone had a different concern

personally, it’s the carrot slices for me

nothing goes together – it is, as Jesse observed, essentially a year 5 recorder class on a ceramic plate

however, if you put a 50 metre restraining order between everything, it’s actually very nice!

which is unfortunately a better critique than Donna got.

Sue and Lauren were both going for varying roast dinners – Lauren doing a rack of lamb and Sue blowing up the vac-pack machine

she was sous vide-ing(?) her beef fillet, as specified in Simons Wood’s recipe

Simon would like to clarify that the Explosion! In the Vac-packer is not a part of the recipe. Much like Emily having cooked the Tom Kerridge Charity Burger, it is not surprising that Sue’s final dish of Beef Fillet with a Truffle Pommes Puree was a great plate of food and looked very professional

she had done a great job with the technique, I just find it hard to be wildly enthused by a plate of food when I know it’s someone else’s recipe – don’t let us see behind the curtain! I don’t want to know if Shakira got her Bourguignon recipe by pointing a gun at Michel Roux Jr, it’s better when I believe this is all them!

it was a particularly good Bourguignon too! You would not believe the amount of ways I’ve spelled Bourguignon incorrectly, I feel I need to send as big an apology to France as Shakira does for this accent

hon hon hon!

Lauren’s Lamb roast dinner got a much more luke warm reception

there was just nothing particularly rich or decadent feeling about it which this challenge was kind of calling for. Her lamb was also not the best cooking in the world, having been left a little tougher than one would like.

As one always does, we end with a dessert from Emily Campbell

she was hoping to elevate the humble crumble by adding plantain to it and OH MY GOD does this not look absolutely incredible

the shine on that caramelised plantain? Put it on my nails IMMEDIATELY! …Ariadne, did you write that just so you could find an excuse to post your latest nails? YES, NAIL CHECK!

✨see how I glitter✨

The Apple and Plantain Crumble was very well received with the rum liqueur custard being a nice addition to really drive the Caribbean influence home. And she didn’t need to worry about whether or not there was enough rum in it because Grace couldn’t walk straight after smelling it alone

with the celebrity series, I think you can actually estimate that about two thirds of it is spent sober.

A Critic’s Dish Ranking:
1. Beef Bourguignononononononononon
2. The Not So Humble Crumble
3. Help Me Simon Wood, You’re My Only Hope!
4. Slow and Steadman-y Wins The Race
5. Joe’s Restraining Order Tuna
6. Jesse Burgess’s Baptism of Wet Fish

Once again Joe Pasquale survives by virtue of mostly vibes as Donna had an unfortunately bad day in the kitchen leading to someone I was beginning to think was a surefire contender to be Lauren Steadman’s runner-up going home

Spray-paint your Sunday roast gold for a fallen diva.