I now pronounce you, Robot and Wife.

FLECKERL!

It’s the final! And the whole Stricty family is back in the house!

Or at least those that weren’t too busy washing their hair or… suing the BBC because they fell for the prank email their friend sent them that was definitely from an anonymous BBC executive…

look, I love a delusional diva but claiming that part of the reason Tim Davie stepped down as the Director General AND that Tess and Claudia’s retiring from the show is because you danced a salsa like a space turkey is psychotic and needs immediate medication. That’s not delusion, that’s terminal psychosis. Honey, you were getting less votes in that first week of voting than Amber was getting in this final and that’s saying something! Sorry to be Truth Emerging From Her Well To Shame Mankind, my guy

I guess I should lawyer up – the Ariadne Reviews Inc. legal department is currently a crocheted monkey called Mexico and this screenshot of Tess Daly having the time of her life on a horse

I’ll miss you most of all!
I know when it was first announced that Claudia and Tess were leaving, it felt like a very strange to be doing it as early in the series as they did. But looking back, I think it was the best thing to do in order for this finale not to feel like it was more about them than it was about Karen and George wrestling for the Glitterball Trophy while Amber did her best to not look mad about it all

DO NOT PUT IT IN THE PAPERS THAT I WAS MAD!

It meant they could do the sappy montage of vintage floppy disc era TessBot last week, highlights of which include, the period of time Tess Daly had to interview everyone in a cupboard

THE YOUNG CRAIG JUMP SCARE

Claudia nearly killing Len Goodman during every demonstration of the most basic of dance moves

Brucie’s Last Hurrah

the series they spent just wearing hats on hats on hats

“Just to clarify, they are actually Anton’s teeth”

and my personal favourite “We’re just innocent men”

GET HACKER T DOG ON STRICTLY!

During the final, they did have a letter read to them by Craig who loves nothing more than to wield flowery literature like a steel chair

oh, you know that Lord Byron would’ve loved the equal opportunity thigh objectification football jive to Blondie!

While Craig was reading the letter you did have to brace for the reveal of who had written it. I was hoping it was either a time capsule Bruce Forsyth had buried beneath Elstree the day Claudia took over the results show because he to have his Horlicks and a bedtime story by 21:30 or the words of Len Goodman’s benevolent ghost that haunts canteen. But apparently everyone’s too cowardly to conduct a seance and it was actually the words of Camilla

who is on the increasingly short list of easily available and television-friendly royal family members along with Sophie

I’m sure they found it a lot easier to run through Soho with a big net and grab all the queerest people they could see to do vox pops about La Voix

I want everyone to ring up their grandma and ask them what she thinks “ate the house down boots” means. Please report back.
I imagine they struggled to find the one person willing to put their face to supporting Thomas Skinner

ma’am, you’re about to be used as evidence in his case against the BBC – he’s corralling up everyone that voted for him. So far it’s you, him, his mummy and his burner account that he originally used to get another month of free Amazon Prime. That’s the entrepreneurial spirit that The Apprentice is looking for! Balvinder, I’m so sorry that my 9 fake accounts weren’t enough to get you to final – I’m sure your show dance would’ve been glorious if Hot and Weird Julian tossing you around like a pancake is anything to go by

I’m also mostly sad that she missed out on the final because if she’d been a finalist she would hold the record for performing in the most dances on a Strictly series ever if we count the Dance Offs and the illegal human trial that was Instant Dance. Alas, we end up with a series of show dances including George Clarke learning how to be a real boy

Nikita reheating the nachos of the last time he felt true joy

and Karen and Carlos being gaymazing

they were all great but nobody really touched the surreal divine of Jamie Laing declaring himself Strictly The Second Coming of Christ which is the best showdance ever and I will not be taking questions about that

of all the the showdances, The Pinocchioing of George Clarke felt the most like a traditional Strictly showdance, as much for George speedrunning every piece of technical content he learned in the last 11 weeks as for Alexis hanging from the ceiling like the baby in Trainspotting

the show was leaning HARD into The George Clarke Journey and really trying to gaslight us into thinking that his Viennese Waltz was this massive turning point for his love of dance

the part they leave out is that the very next week, apparently overflowing with THE SPIRIT OF DAHNCE! he did his Rumba that was quite literally the worst moment of his Strictly life

and I solidly believe that if that Rumba had been George’s Couple’s Choice instead of the algorithm gaming K-pop Demon Hunters nonsense in Movies Week, George would’ve won this series. Because following that Rumba landing with the judges like Hot, Weird and Unworthy Julian

the show did this hard pivot with George, instead of being the relatable and cute boy next door, he’s suddenly ploughing his way through every party latin under the sun while being presented much more stereotypically masculinely which felt narratively confusing and lacking emotional depth. Whereas Karen Carney was serving as the Ghost of Christmas past for Scrooge McGu over here

I hope the audition process for whoever replaces Claudia involves a trial of how they can cope with Carlos Gu having an emotional breakdown as his heart grows three sizes that day

CARLOS. You spent one series on the bench! Luba has been there so long she’s basically become the landlord by default. I am also hoping that he might have also been talking about maybe trying to repair the allegedly soured relationship between him and Nancy. It’s always horrible when a kitchen table polycule feuds.

Karen and Carlos’s Couple’s Choice didn’t end up landing very well with the judges, being the only routine to score below a 9 all night

but I think the judges did feel like they could critique it a little more perhaps because Karen’s other 2 routines were easily the two best of the night. As much as I love Nikita coming out in trousers that had somehow become sluttier than the last time we saw them

there’s just something about the genderfuck Peaky Blinders Argentine Tango

remember when we all thought this was going to be a mess because “Birmingham period drama Argentine Tango” is the sort of word salad that results in the average human being falling through the glittery trapdoor. Then come the night we all went feral for it? And then you also just can’t finish on a more perfectly thematic moment than having the first footballer to reach the final lifting the glitterball in a bedazzled football uniform

I was surprised that Amber and Nikita decided to redo their Jive which they’d already scored 40 for. I would’ve bet money that they’d bring back the Movie Week American Smooth to prove that “theatre kid” isn’t a slur but I suppose she didn’t want to paint herself into a period drama corner BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS EVA GREEN STUNT DOUBLE ASS SMOCK?

I took so long trying to parse why they’d dressed her like she was Cinderella’s Evil Stepmother

that I barely registered the obvious reveal had even happened

I think it’s really unfortunate that they waited until the semi-final to give Amber her Couple’s Choice because I do think a big band Showdance would’ve been a better showcase of her abilities, “Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be Ariana Grande” is my personal least favourite Amber variant. However, this topping-from-the-bottom dismount might be the most impressive piece of choreography all series

and the routine was mostly just Amber and Nikita doing a stunt and then pulling a face to make sure we all knew how impressive a feat it was

and maybe Karen could do with some “Vote for me!” face pulling lessons from Amber

but as someone who also looks like there’s a malevolent spirit trying to crawl out her nostrils when she has to smile for a photo, I GET IT GIRL! And you’re still doing a better job than George just standing there like he has to tell his mum he threw up in the middle of the night <3

Amber truly could not have ended up with a worse combination of people in the final to make her look overly polished and “too theatre” – diva was in the trenches and lucky to be scraping even 5% of the public vote. At least she had the cheerleaders

who do we think the penguins were voting for?

I reckon they’re George fans – they see themselves in this awkward shuffling

to be fair to George, I do think they were at least somewhat going for “marionette puppet that had just been made flesh”.
I am sad for George that he was the only finalist who didn’t finish with scoring a 40 all series, it was unfortunate that they only realised he could really do nonsense party Latin in Blackpool which you can’t really bring back for the final.

It has been a series plagued by mishap and disaster. But for all that I do think this was a very good final and an even better result

They may have completed the main arc but I do think we should make them play through the post-game of taking on Balvinder and Julian in a Dance Off.

Thank you to everyone that has stuck with the recaps and all those that found them this year! I ended up with a bit of a massive pile-up of shows to write about at the end of the year which I’m just proud of having completed everything! And if you want to, you can donate to my Ko-fi HERE!
I do have the polls to run:
You can vote for Amber’s, George’s and Karen’s bests and worsts HERE!
Sometime between Christmas and New Year, I’ll create a similar rundown of voting to whittle down each couple’s best Safety Sex Face, I just need a couple of days off for Christmas and my birthday. Then in the new year, voting proper will begin and we’ll have a little ~awards ceremony~ post for the winners!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and thank you for keeping me such good company this year and for being so encouraging and supporting me through it all!

Ariadne Griffin x