Why can’t I hold all these parsnips?

This is not the opera singer you’re looking for.

Banquet Ban

Kicking off Semi-final Week was the Mass Catering Challenge wherein the celebrities were catering a medieval banquet at Coombe Abbey

unfortunately Ginger was ill so unable to attend, leaving Grace the job of being Queen for a day

but she proved to be just as much of a fire hazard as a drag queen with an acrylic wig and an industrial amount of hairspray keeping it in place

Ginger’s absence did help them split the teams evenly down the middle though, leaving us with the Blue Team consisting of Antony (naturally), Alun Wyn, Katie and Chris – with Alun Wyn being elected leader because he’s the tallest

while Dawn was made leader over on the Red Team at least somewhat more democratically.

As ever, the teams had to put together three main course options and a dessert for 80 diners with the mains having to include both fish and vegetarian options. Even with that workload, both teams for some reason decided that they’d go out of their way to make two desserts. Which I do think they were probably prompted to do once the show realised both teams had just shrugged and said “yeah, we’re gonna make a sticky toffee pudding”

the pudding subs bench ended up being filled with Katie McGlynn’s Vaguely Bakewell Tart Cake

and Dawn O’Porter really trying to sell this as a Tarte Tatin when really it’s just stewed figs hiding under a pastry hat

the sticky toffee pudding showdown didn’t ultimately come to fruition due to some rather baffling job assigning when it came to the main courses. For some reason, Alfie’s Special Gravy was a two man job

and Jamie was cooking a risotto for the very first time, turning the whole palaver into the Pairs Challenge 2: Pearl Barley Boogaloo for Dawn

who was already struggling not to chuck a partially deboned fillet of trout across the room at Tweedledee and TweedleBoe for not getting their pork into the oven on time

and ultimately Dawn’s Sticky Toffee Pudding had to be killed off to make sure everything got to made

although the hall was still haunted by the vengeful ghost of the sticky toffee pudding that never was

their pudding (singular) may have not been great, but the Red Team did end up with by far the most popular dish of the banquet in Alfie and Ashley’s Roast Pork Carvery

their other two options were much harder sells with Dawn having to load up plates of her Trout en Croute with double portions just to make it all go away

the only person having a hard time shifting their dish than Jamie and his sad mushrooms not-a-actually-a-risotto was Chris and his Blue Cheese Quiche straight out of the M&S Festive Party Collection

John was incensed about the verisimilitude of a quiche at this extremely serious medieval banquet

my guy, your Sir Galahad is 75 years old and wearing silver lamé

and nobody tell him about the monk’s simulacrous tonsure

I love how some of the people had gone all out with their costumes and then you had this guy wandering around in a t-shirt and a satin hair bonnet he got from Boots

I didn’t stop laughing at this for a solid 10 minutes on monday night – congratulations, you are this years Mass Catering Incidental Character Boyfriend. It’s a prestigious honour.

The Red Team did nearly have a complete disaster with their venison main course as this series continues to be a stellar year for celebrities that don’t know how ovens work

and because they’d had to resort to just whacking the venison into a pot to boil it to an edible temperature, it was a little bit too tough and chewy for the diners

I did enjoy that in order to save time there was a brief moment that Alun Wyn was just going to roast the cod whole and slam it down on the table for everyone like the historically accurate quicheless banquet they all wanted and that Chris Hughes is definitely an expert on

but someone evidently told them that under no circumstances were they to slam a whole fish down in front of this room of predominantly middle-aged women who just like making nice dresses and wearing statement jewellery

and so it became the less historically accurate than a medieval quiche, herb crusted cod fillets

they could’ve at least let Alun Wyn parade the cod’s head through the hall as a warm-up act.

Pie Spy

To decide which two contestants would be eliminated at the end of this episode, they’d all have to create their best Pie – and for ONCE on this godforsaken show they’re actually going to stand up against the tyranny of Stews With Lids™

although that being said they really let Antony Costa’s frangipane tart slide by as a pie completely unaddressed

granted if they’d critiqued it for that on top of the fact he’s failed to even poach a pear correctly

it would’ve been kicking a man while he was done because the concept of a pie was threatening to have him calling Samaritans already

I can’t believe the most joyless member of Blue is the one that’s managed to get the furthest in this competition. Our only hope now is Lee Ryan which… I think we’d have more luck teaching a house cat to use the microwave.

Ginger was back in the kitchen and also doing a dessert, hers being a Rhubarb and Raspberry Meringue Pie with watermelon and a sweet mint pesto

the judges were a little worried about all of this, and I still question whether the watermelon actually works beyond an aesthetic novelty, but they seemed pretty pleased with it all in the end!

The last of the dessert pies in this round was Katie who was attempting to make a tarte tatin and despite the final result looking like she plated it up by shooting it out of a cannon, it does somehow resemble a tarte tatin more closely than Dawn’s Medieval Fig Tarte Tatin

she was saved entirely by the fact it all tasted delicious and I would posit that it’s also very hard to fuck up the flavour of apple and caramelised sugar.

The trouble with this round is you do run the risk all of the pies looking the same – there is only so many ways to present a pie! But I think it was actually a very successful round in that regard because they were all quite different? I LOVED the looks of Alfie’s Corned Beef Hash Pie with Buttered Radishes

that just looks really good! I’m convinced that once Wynne Evans completely shat the bed they speed dialled Alfie Boe as soon as they could because they need someone to periodically show up and belt an operatic note in the quarterfinal chamber

and now if you search “masterchef opera singer” you just get Alfie Boe results – Bury that SEO, queen!

Dawn also had a very good round with her take on classic East London Pie and Liquor

the last time I talked about east london pies on this blog was when Lydia on Game of Wool was being critiqued for not knitting the mashed potato in such a way as to suggest it was made out of maris piper potatoes. I’m not sure Dawn’s ominously coloured mash would pass the Di Gilpin Mash Inspection but John and Grace seemed quite happy with it.

I was surprised we didn’t end up with more pie and mash options to be honest – not a single soul even opted to do chips! And it’s not like they were pressed for time either, they had an hour and 40 minutes! Which brings me nicely to Clockspiracy Corner. I remain convinced in my theory that the new MasterChef Clock cannot be set to higher than a 60 minute countdown because previous rounds have had their time limits reduced from 75 minutes to an hour and in this round, we only see the clock once it reaches the 10 minute mark as opposed to other rounds when we see it pretty consistently

does this count as real journalism? Can I have the Pulitzer Prize? I’ll settle for a Fifa Peace Prize.

Chris was the biggest fumble in the savoury stakes given that he was the one putting forward the black sheep stew of the family

the bigger problem was that his game was tough and his port sauce looked like he’d just melted those big Haribo raspberries into a gravy jug

and while it was pretty obvious that it was Antony and Chris going home, Ashley wasn’t completely safe because his Curried Lamb Pie was hit and miss in its pastry and the spices needed to be cooked out a little more

but they were really impressed with his slaw which felt slightly patronising. But hey, Alun Wyn fucked up broccoli and dried to fix it with bacon bits so there was a low bar for side dishes

his chicken and leek pie was very good though – not exactly new or innovative but executed to perfection.

Lastly we have Jamie with his Beef Stroganoff Pie which sounded lovely but I slightly question the accompaniment of Corn Ribs and Chimichurri Sauce

those are all nice things but, to me, that’s a strange combination of bits and pieces that feels like you panicked at the buffet. But it was all cooked extremely well.

An Unofficial Pie Ranking:
1. Dawn O’Pie-ter
2. Ginger’s Pie and Salad in Drag
3. Alfie’s Corned Bits
4. Jamie’s Collection of Bits and PIE-ces
5. Alun’s Very Normal Pie
6. Katie’s Tarte Attack
7. Ashley’s Hurried Lamb
8. It’s Game Over, Chris
9. Costa La Vista, Baby

It was a very cut and dry elimination process with Antony and Chris being by far and away the two weakest pies

do we think Chris can convince Jojo Siwa to do this show? I need her to meet Grace Dent. And Antony can give Lee Ryan a nudge.