Instant Dance appears to be spreading.

Strap in, we’ve got a man to humble!

It’s Musicals Week and there’s only one way you can ever build up to the eventual ruining of some nice man’s dreams and that’s with a right cockney knees-up! As we cycle through the West End rolodex of dangerously pirate-y accentwork and songs sung out the side of your mouth – god bless you Jessie Buckley during your I’d Do Anything Era

but this wasn’t a pro-routine! Oh no, they were being saved for their weirdly dystopian PG13 Cell Block Tango production wherein Karen goes to jail for… smashing a picture on a bed?

it’s a naughty step tango at best.

It probably is a good idea to give the celebrities a taste of having to learn two routines instead of just dumping them into the Semi-final Woodchipper unprepared. Granted, this routine is mostly just a lot of gusset work and cocking your arm like you just told a cheeky jape

and they all did very well, almost certainly because of Amber’s School for Dickensian Orphaned Boys

I hate to burst her bubble but I think… George is just like that? I reckon he somehow came away from Musicals Week having learned even less about musicals – he still doesn’t know why this toad made out of papier-mâché that someone left in the rain was reading Phantom of the Opera fanfiction at him

but to be fair to George I stared into the this nexus of fringe, fur and terrible trousers and feel as though I forgot everything that happened to me before the age of 17

beyond the textural cacophony of this routine that makes my teeth feel like they’re made of shag carpeting… actually, I don’t know what there is to this routine beyond the distressing deployment of fringe… garments? WHAT IS CARLOS WEARING?

did they run out of time to make him a full fringe vest so just stuck his head through an armhole and called it a bib?
I found this routine impossible to like because I visually cannot parse it – it’s just an extremely ugly 90 seconds to look at and such a weird choice for Musicals Week? Does ANYONE remember the cult scene from Sweet Charity after they’ve seen it? I fully thought I was going insane because I thought I’d completely forgotten the plot of Sweet Charity and would’ve put a substantial bet on The Rhythm of Life being from Hair!
I really would’ve put this down as a glittery trapdooring for Karen, and for anyone else it most certainly would’ve been, but then the judges forced the most absurd 3 way tie in the middle of the leaderboard between George, Balvinder and Lewis

we’ve very much reached the stage of nobody getting scored lower than an 8 to keep up a pretence of high quality, unless you’re Neil apparently

granted, I cannot be too mad because I feel like the only person that really benefited from this bizarrely stacked house of cards was Balvinder parading about the shambling corpse of The Greatest Showman, a not-a-real-musical THAT WE MUST LET DIE

they really gave us one chance to let her leave with dignity and a nice frock and we said, FUCK YOU! THE HOT AND WEIRD HYPE TRAIN GOES CHOO! CHOO! Right into the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery along with Karen and Carlos

and with Karen and Balvinder both being safe, with a gleeful horror and fascination we all realised we were getting the much prophesied Ringer Catfight In The Car Park

I haven’t felt this giddy about a results show since… I don’t know? Peter read out his “What A Sad Little Life, Jane” monologue on Come Dine With Me – Nikita’s even dressed like him for the occasion!

can you imagine how much of a GAG this would’ve been if a large portion of your audience didn’t already know the result though? Bring the Live Results Show back, I BEG! Live Disaster Television worked so well for you last week!
I mean, it was also heartbreaking because you could see that Katya knew she and Lewis were absolutely fucked going up against Amber’s stormer of a Charleston to one of the best musical numbers ever written

one does not need the Oracle of Delphi’s +1 Channel to know how this was going to go

Shirley looking at Amber Davies who was hired SPECIFICALLY for being a West End actor that could pick up Waltz choreography in 45 minutes and pondering “Does anyone else think Amber Davies is destined for the West End?” like a boomer liking Facebook posts about how good it was in the old days when you could play in the streets, contract dysentery and buy crisps for a penny and pocket lint.

I was so focused on the apparent Musical Week Humbling I thought they were about to dish out to Amber, and truly Craig had us in the first half

that as I concentrated on this fake-out Renaissance Painting of a live TV gutting (the halo around Amber’s head? Pure Duccio)

that I forgot to look the other way and see the freight train heading straight to Lewis with what might honestly be the least salsa-ing salsa that’s happened since since week 2 where Thomas Skinner danced within a 10ft square. Granted for very different reasons. Lewis and Katya got too lost in the Musicals Week sauce and ended up with a routine that’d play out fabulously on stage, but as a piece of television that’s focus should be Lewis catching an audience’s attention… there’s a lot of him playing ensemble member No. 4 in a challenging game of object permanence as he runs around the back of the stage between the other dancers

there is a whole 5 seconds where Katya is dancing with someone else and you can’t even see Lewis – WHY?

it must be doubly frustrating for Katya because she didn’t even get to really choreograph this given that it’s a specialist routine, although I’m sure Katya had everything to do with the conception of the human heat engine

oh she was so proud of this nonsense as she hangs on the end there like an industrial crane transporting a girder. I’d have killed for a Live Katya-cam during Amber being thrown around like a prized Cod as Billingsgate

and having watched Amber and Nikita going before them and getting the Musical Week humbling, something of a tradition

I imagine Katya could see the walls beginning to close in as she led this poor fake Puerto Rican lamb to his slaughter

WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE DEPLOY THE MABUSI COMFORT DRONE™ FOR THIS SAD MAN?

SPEAKING OF MUSCIAL WEEK HUMBLINGS! It was brave of Tom Fletcher to show his face around these parts on this night of all nights. But he did have his horrible little marmalade guzzling Cacodemon with him to protect him from any surprise Cynthia Erivo booby trappings

I sense the presence of evil within this bear and I don’t think we have the time to call a priest! I think we just cut our losses and shoot it at close range with a silver bullet NOW. I hate it SO MUCH. When it started blinking? I don’t need that level of verisimilitude! Musical Theatre needs to be a little rough around the edges, like George’s Phantom Mask desperately clinging in place with a pair of straining elastic bands

and it’s better for it!
I did enjoy George being bequeathed his very own phantom mask by Dean Chisnall

I only wish that Julian had been given a pair of his very own PT Barnum ringleader jodhpurs because he was eyeing them up like a hungry wolf

I imagine he was most disappointed that he was going to have to be dress pants and Balvinder would be getting all the fun of dressing up as a biblically accurate hotel towel swan

He didn’t even get to keep the top hat on to discard into the crowd like a ballistic missile! ARE THE OLD TRADITIONS DEAD?

But for all the lack of the usual Musical Week gubbins like dangerously careening furniture

dance obscuring backing dancers

bizarrely big set pieces

Balvinder’s Viennese Waltz was actually one of the stand out dances of the night, as was George grooving as the couples all walked out – I think this is exactly how The Phantom grooves in the Hairspray x Phantom of the Opera anime I’m now suddenly possessed to write

sometimes simplicity and getting to flip a bit of a middle finger at the audience is all it takes! But despite Craig doing his best to nuke Balvinder from space as he reeled off every tiny mistake she made

she’s so mother. Post Week 8 Balvinder is one of the most iconic Strictly contestants of all time – she’s become completely untethered and does not live to please anymore, if you were left out of the judges’ hand-holding sympathy circle, that’s your problem Craig!

and you’re not exactly earning an invite if these looks from Motsi and Shirley are anything to go by

I know it’s going to be an uphill struggle to get her to the final with her semi-final dance combination being a Waltz and a Salsa (RIP, love you, queen) which is THE SAME as Karen’s?????? I complained last week about doubling up on routines in Week 9 when she jive’d off against Amber. This seems slightly ridiculous? I think they could’ve given Balvinder a Tango and then put Amber in with a Foxtrot seeing as she’s got the bigger safety buffer of a Couple’s Choice just being nonsense.

Lewis going home probably does also make it a little harder for Karen to win over George, given I think part of a Karen Victory lies in a splitting of the Nice Boys Doing Nice Dances vote. I think we’re definitely looking at an Amber, Karen and George Finale now. I will kill to get Balvinder to that final, I think she deserves and it would also be a little bit funny but I think the only chance of that happening is if they give Amber a couple’s choice that is as bad as Will Mellor’s Manchester Omelette but I can’t see them doing that with a Raye song

in a dance off, I imagine Balvinder opts to do her Waltz, George his Charleston, Karen her Salsa and Amber rolls a dice and body slams anyone with either of her routines.
I’ll be curious to see how Lewis’s elimination affects the winner predictions vote this week

You can vote in the winner projection poll HERE.
And you can vote for Lewis’s Bests and Worsts HERE.