You… can say that, I guess.

Do you pan-fry milk here often?

Encounters of the Cloche Kind

Another Week, another set of mystery ingredients – the short straw of which was definitely Jaki Graham drawing chicken livers, as much because they’re livers as because she had to look at the bowl of livers

I LOVE chicken livers – I am a staunch defender of them on the Nando’s Menu (I stopped getting invited for a cheeky nando’s at uni because of that) but I HATE cooking them. I’ve tried it twice, it’s an arduous and annoying process. Granted, Jaki made it seem easier than Michelle Heaton peeling a pineapple like a maniac

but in concentrating so much on her livers, she’d sidelined her vegetables to being a mere boiled melange of boarding school veggies

I can *feel* the over-boiled broccoli and under-boiled potatoes in my mouth just looking at this

the trauma vegetables aside, the judges really liked her cooking of the livers and the way she’d spiced them, which was ultimately just throwing in any and every kind of pepper the larder had to offer.

The only other meat dish was from Chris Hughes who had Smoked Haddock, the super secret 4th fish he knows that you have to unlock through specific dialogue options

Chris Hughes dates this show so perfectly. Apparently he spent most of early 2025 just throwing himself through the doors of any and every reality TV show that would happen. This was obviously filmed before April where he’d meet and fall in love with the inventor of Gay Pop herself, Jojo Siwa

despite only knowing what a haddock is on the occasional sunday, Chris had once heard a rumour of how you can cook it

unfortunately that’s as much as he knew in this broken telephones recipe for poached haddock as he began pan-frying three tablespoons of milk into a sauce

the absolute confidence in his voice that it would thicken into a lovely sauce <3 Unfortunately instead of miraculously inventing instant bechamel, he’d reduced it to ashes which is technically thicker than milk

how many pans do we think this franchise goes through because there’s surely no coming back from that – nonstick or not.
Despite the ritualistic cremation of his milk, the judges still claimed that his fish was perfectly cooked

I will give him the chips, they did look rather amazing but as they pointed out, it is crying out for a sauce

how about a dessert spoon of milk?

The last of the main courses came from Jamie Lomas who had butter beans, planning to serve them in a wine and tomato sauce

which ultimately became a tomato and cream sauce come the judging

hmm, I wonder where the wine went?

you better believe I’d be treating this show like an open bar too.

His dish was quite good in the end, the rice accompaniment was a little odd but he seemed to be doing it as a play on eating mostly rice and beans while he was on I’m A Celebrity

which is probably a better idea that serving them kangaroo anus and whatever you can find behind the bookcase in the green room.

On to the desserts which, as per Dawn O’Porter’s portentous dreams, were a fruity affair with Michelle Heaton drawing the pineapple and Dawn herself getting life’s lemons

both of them were quite comfortable with their ingredients and had things ready to go. Dawn had a fruit dessert that she frequently makes for her kids and Michelle was just happy to be feeling the familial oats

if you thought lemons and pineapple would mean we wouldn’t be getting the obligatory crumble, THINK AGAIN

although to be fair, it wasn’t really a crumble so much as it was just a bowl of pineapple flapjack from Michelle

Dawn was more successfully, the only real problem with her Lemon and Ricotta Galette was that there was so much of it

which, let’s be PERFECTLY CLEAR, is not actually a problem if this tasted as nice as the judges made out. They did however not talk about whatever that horrible green thing is on the side?????

An Unofficial Under The Cloche Dish Ranking:
1. When Life Gives You Lemons, Make A Galette
2. Jamie’s Italian Jungle Beans
3. Michelle’s Bowl o’Flapjack
4. Jaki’s Livers and PTSD Vegetables
5. Chris’s Abstracted Fish Milk

Keep On Trucking On

I cannot recap the Mystery Cube Challenge, it is barely good television, it’s even less good writing! In the end Dawn won it as Michelle was bested by a cube of fig

which is an only marginally less upsetting visual than the cubed egg Jamie Lomas shoved in his gob

I think that’s probably the weirdest we can get, right? If you asked me which foodstuff is the least cube-y, it’s egg.

In the end, Dawn didn’t actually need the extra 10 minutes having flown through the creation of her Mac & Cheese with Champagne Battered Lemon Sole and Hot Honey

she did try to gift the 10 minutes to Michelle whose sweet potato wedges went up in smoke like Chris Hughes was pan-frying milk again

she did manage to somewhat claw it back with some pan-fried sweet potato as an accompaniment to her Halloumi Burger instead of the wedges

but because both the halloumi and sweet potato were covered in sugar AND she was using the heathenous brioche bun, it was almost tipping over into being a dessert

Jaki Graham was also making a burger, hers being a Jerk Chicken Burger with a salsa and plantain chips that had unfortunately been caught and burnt

the burger itself was very good, although it does require you to be able to unhinge your jaw like a reticulated python to eat it

it does strike me as slightly odd that the judges will be perfectly fine with people making burgers in which they haven’t bothered to make the bread (fair, I don’t mind) but will then sulk that someone like Chris hasn’t bothered to make his taco shells

it’s not *that* different – granted, taco shells are easier to make within the time and I also don’t want it to sound like I’m defending Chris’s Hot Mince Tacos

“Hot Mince” is the name of my new garage band, we drop our debut song “Jamie Lomas, You’re A Dirty Liar” next week

you can see the real moment that Chris realises he’s completely out of his depth when Jamie starts telling him about the parmesan he’s using and Chris has to go back to badly grating his Cathedral City Mature Cheddar, under the impression up until this moment that Parmesan was someone he’d dated on Love Island

of all the dishes, I’d be most intrigued by Dawn’s Macaroni Nonsense, but would ultimately probably always go for Jamie’s Chorizo and Cheese Croquettes

they were very good but it does strikes me as being rather simple and he probably should’ve made an aioli or something as well, AT LEAST.

An Unofficial Food Truck Dish Ranking:
1. Dawn’s 3am Drunk Dialling Macaroni
2. Jamie’s Parmesan Lecture
3. Michelle’s Pudding Burger
4. Jaki’s Tall Burger
5. Chris’s Hot Mince Tacos

And we’ll find out who goes home next episode!