No, you don’t understand. I love him.

When will you wear wigs?

First Things, von Furstenberg

Ushering in the lofty ambitions of Icons Weeks was Diane von Furstenberg’s wrap dress which was first created 50 years ago

where’s its Golden Jubilee? Can Paddington Bear wear the wrap dress?

As a non-sewer, and some would say completely unqualified to even write the words “overlocker”, “seam allowance” and “gusset”, this did seem like a very complicated pattern – by which I mostly mean the little demo video of how it works took 40 seconds. Which doesn’t sound like a lot but I’ve given into brainrot content to make the pain go away so I have the attention span of the average seagull. If you’re not jingling the world’s only 24 carat gold Labubu in front of me like keys, none of that information you said is going in. Sorry Amber

something about the 70s, Kate Middleton and kind of overselling the wrap dress as key to the feminist movement. Sure. Slay queen.

I was actually really surprised by how well all of the sewers did on the whole. Especially given the perceived technical difficulty and the fact most of them were being put onto the overlocker with the same dread and anticipation you have when you’re like 6 and get talked into going on the Go Karts at LEGOLand and your only experience with driving is playing Road Rash which prioritises bashing your opponents’ (and the police’s – it was ahead of its time) heads in with any manner of blunt objects so you have a very skewed idea of what competitive racing feels like so you have a panic attack on the start line

is this not a universal experience? Really? Oh well, at least you know why I’m never allowed in LEGOLand ever again. Ch-eans aren’t all bike chains are good for.

SPEAKING OF INSANE THINGS TO DO WITH CHAINS – THE SEXY DOG FROM THE TWEENIES HAS ENTERED THE SEWING ROOM

I was nearly as giddy as Kit was as they got to race around the sewing room clutching an entire bolt of gold lamé fabric

resulting in a dress you’ve almost certainly seen a woman over 50 dancing a week 2 disco cha cha cha in on Strictly Come Dancing (complimentary)

we did a Strictly 2025 cast prediction over on the Keep Dancing Podcast and I feel like if I put this dress in the middle of my scented candle summoning circle with a scrap of wallpaper you’d only see on a statement wall in 2001, I might actually be able to summon Anna Ryder Richardson from her gibbon sanctuary to compete. But aside from the dress’s use in the dark arts of reality TV casting, it was another incredibly well made garment from Kit which they really had to work hard to ding – settling on the illicit shearing they’d had to do on the inside stitch

still a very respectable third place, with the top spot being fought over by Jess and Caz. I was so pleased for Jess having a real redemptive week, especially as it seemed to threaten to go tits up from the beginning again

and as such she owes at least a little bit of her silver medal to Sleeve Seam Sommelier, Dan

but once she’d worked out how sleeves worked and not listened to the Saffie on her shoulder, her leopard print dress was really stunning

and as Esme pointed out, incredibly well thought out to have the lighter portion of the print running down the back which gives it a very lux feel that only a handmade garment really has (even if the fabric is incredibly cheap looking)

she had a little bit of a wobbly seaming on the front which is why she ultimately lost to Caz’s wrap dress and the one beady nipple that really follows you around the room like HAL 9000

but she wasn’t concerned about the circle, it was the triangles she was determined to keep the right way up, which she absolutely succeeded on. So, congratulations on your object permanence Caz.

My personal favourite of the dresses was Yasmin’s, I think her fabric was to die for

she only narrowly missed out on third place because her cuff had become a mausoleum for an earthworm

WHERE WERE YOU SLEEVE REFEREE, DAN?

Ultimately it was a little bit of a boring challenge, save for the bit where it turned out that Dan has spent so much time appraising the validity of Jess’s sleeves that he hadn’t noticed he was reading the instructions back to front

and for that he was bunged all the way to 7th place, which felt a little bit of an overkill given it was well sewn and I think the dress still functioned properly? Just call it left-handed.

Everyone else pretty much just made every dress you see on your great aunt who just made the cut for the wedding and oh boy, does she know it – we call it The Affordable Jacques Vert Special. An artform unsurprisingly perfected by Gaynor

that’s a very good dress that you can wear to both your grandchild’s summer wedding *and* the monthly church coffee morning without feeling too overdressed but also guaranteeing you’ll be better dressed that Phyllis who has two barely dissimilar cardigans she’s deemed her “engagement wear”.

Immediately landing in hot water was Stuart who spent the entire challenge looking a little bit like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit tinkering away with an invention to hand out coasters to guests you don’t trust with a cup of tea

and ultimately the wrap dress is sadly not that invention

his last place placement was ultimately down to the fact his elastic wasn’t properly enclosed but he was joined in this nosedive to the bottom by Novello’s dress

and while those two sort of disintegrated into a panicked pool of paisley, Glendora had found the one scrap of interfacing to have survived Week 1 and was immediately shoving it into her dress for absolutely no reason

her dress was very nice looking though – it speaks to a very specific time when I imagine a dress that tied a bit differently did feel new and interesting

I don’t care what Amber said, in my head, Diane von Furstenberg discovering the wrap dress played out exactly like neanderthals discovering fire

with a fraction less arson.

Lastly we have Orla whose elastic was too loose

it’s fine – they gave this dress ZERO screentime. Patrick basically glances at it, says “that elastic is too loose” and it was on to the next dress. It’s a very Phyllis dress, it’ll go to coffee morning and nowhere else and it doesn’t show up the stains because she spills her tea quite a bit.

An Official Wrap Dress Ranking:
1. Caz’s Nipple 9000
2. Jess’s Anatomically Correct Leopard
3. The Anna Ryder Richardson Summoning Circle Component
4. Yasmin’s 70s Tile
5. Gaynor’s Wedding Ready Great Aunt
6. Phyllis! *shakes fist to the sky*
7. Dan’s Left Handed Wrap
8. Glendora’s Over Interface
9. Novello’s Bad Wrap Report
10. It’s A Wrap For Stuart

Westwood’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve

The next designer on the chopping block was Vivienne Westwood with the sewers having to create an outfit as a nod to the signature Westwood style using only soft furnishings

and given the very overt punk influences in Westwood fashion, it was very obvious what they wanted and what Gaynor was willing to give was a doily that wanted to be a matador

but don’t you worry, those trousers have a surprise up their… legs?

INNER LEG AIR CONDITIONING! Perfect for cooling down your sweaty knees and showing the boys your shin when you’re feeling a little saucy

but it’s a shin, Esme!

Gaynor’s well ventilated tibial scandal did manage to avoid being put dead last, a fate reserved for Glendora’s Brat Summer Cuirass

the neon-y lime green is just a bit of an eyesore and too far removed from the general colour palette associated with Vivienne Westwood. But she can always blame Kit for stealing that pleather pillow

that would ultimately be turned into a bralette for Kit’s truly impressive take on the challenge

the whole thing is just really well made and the skirt alone makes up for the absolute dearth of pleats we actually got in OK Guys, You Have One Job: Make Us Some Pleats Week

my one gripe is the random strip of plaid fabric tossed in there that I don’t think it needed to make it look any more or less Westwood – it was a shortcut a lot of people used. The only one to not pray on the betartaned rosary was Novello and well…

on one hand, I can’t say Little Dorrit as performed by Tracey Emin’s unmade bed, isn’t Westwood. But I do think that if you’re going to place this as high as 6th, Esme at least has to wear the blanket tied around your head for the role of Joseph in the junior school nativity play wig. All we have is concept art

teaching me how to use photoshop in year 8 was the biggest mistake anyone made.

Having already done a Westwood inspired outfit during My Kingdom For Some Pleats Week, Yasmin pretty much knocked this out on autopilot because I would wager a good £20 she’s made this exact dress before

it’s very good, almost too good which I think was probably the ultimate deciding factor between her and Kit because I think both are of a very similar quality of sewing and craft.

Stuart once again surprised in the Transformation Challenge, proving that his “one good idea” that was a glorified pillowcase, wasn’t actually a good idea at all as this rather cheerful blue and yellow number managed to claw him fourth place

with Peter falling by the wayside and walking off into the sunset with a shrug, I have come to accept that Stuart is the Straight Man I Must Learn To Love – there’s always one. And if you need to know how to make this go faster Stuart, just treat the Transformation Challenge like it’s an exploration of a sexual awakening through the medium of weird headwear

Marcus, I will love you forever. What’s that?

NO NOVELLO, NOT LIKE THAT. Wait. Oh my God. Is this internalised misogyny? The real wig was the intersectional feminism we discovered along the way.

Given that Westwood loves a historical reference, I was expecting a second Amber Butchart to hit the Sewing Bee. However, Jess has apparently hogtied her with some rickrack and locked her in the broom cupboard and stolen her job as she tried to give a 5 second concise history of panniers while slightly out of breath as she disemboweled a throw pillow

it is well known that you have to wrestle your panniers into submission before use. Unfortunately, I don’t know if this is the best deployment of a pannier. Or if you can really count a pair of illegally de-finned Blåhajs tied to your hips as “panniers”

everything else is really cute and perfectly fits that very romantic chintz period of Westwood though! I think she just sort of overthought it. But at least everyone will learn a lesson about strapping a pair of saddlebags to your hips like you’re preparing for a 5 month journey across the wild west frontier… right?

RIGHT????

While Jess overdid her bustle, Caz’s skirt was a little under-egged

and because her top basically amounted to shoving her mannequin through a pillowcase like minced pork

there just wasn’t a great deal of ground to use to save her, especially when someone like Orla had made a skirt that bustled in every direction and had a corset that amounted to more than a nightmare about your pillowcase crushing your ribs

I don’t know if I get the strongest Westwood vibe from it? And the skirt certainly would’ve been stronger without the fringe that takes it to a Halloweeny place. But I also appreciate that I finally have something to wear when I prove the existence of and marry Mothman

we’re going to be very happy together.

Lastly we have Dan who has the honour of making the Inaugural Series Harness!

good stuff, I was surprised he wasn’t in the top 3 for this to be honest. But not as surprised as Esme saying that this side of the asymmetrical garment looked like an outfit for “going to the ball”

someone’s fairy godmother hates them.

An Official Soft Furnished Punk Look Ranking:
1. Kit’s Couch to £5000 (please congratulate this joke)
2. Yasmin’s Westwood Autopilot
3. It’s Jess’s History Bit, now
4. Stuart’s Second Good Idea!
5. The Inaugural Harness
6. Novello’s Nativity Husband Costume
7. The Bride of Mothman
8. Caz’s Constrictor Cushion
9. Gaynor’s Ventila-shin
10. The War of Brat Summer

Versace, But It’s Pronounced Like In Showgirls

For their Made to Measure the sewers were having to channel Gianni and Donatella Versace. Which very much felt like they’d put the iconic J-Lo dress under a box propped up by a stick with a pull chord to see which sewer would take the bait

and that sewer would be Dan

I do think one of the things that’s really working against this dress is that it’s being viewed in the context of a converted loft in a Leeds cotton mill and not poolside on the Amalfi Coast. Throw on some not pool-friendly gold jewellery and give her a cocktail and it’s already infinitely better. However, I don’t think even all the sunshine and limoncello spritzes in the world are going to make these too-long-for-Italy-too-short-for-the-gym shorts ok

the green is just a distinct shade of Affordable Decathlon Spandex that doesn’t mesh with the rest of the garment – which I can’t be too harsh on because, unless you have access to Novello’s dragon hoard of luxury Fabrics, you are probably going to struggle with evoking a real designer feel. I appreciate the lofty ambition, someone had to do it and I think Dan had a reasonable result within the context of a 5 hour time limit on a piece of BBC programming. Stuart’s wife wouldn’t even let him even click the J-Lo dress picture on Google Images

this was when I truly fell in love with Stuart, he is the AntiVersace and was doing everything in his power to not describe his dress as “sexy”

for a self-drafted pattern? Go off, King. Again, I think it’s mostly just an issue of fabric choice – that lace is just too “net curtains of a static caravan on the Kent coast” to ever read as particularly luxurious. But I did like his inspiration – that 1996 era of Versace with very pronounced lingerie inspirations has my favourite Versace dress of all time, this magenta lace number that Carla Bruni wore on the runway

I think Stuart and Stuart’s Wife just needed to be tackier. Versace, is not very demure, nor very mindful (ok grandma) – I mean, one of the most well regarded designers of the last century sent this down a runway and sold it for like $5000

Orla was drawing inspiration from this particular collection as well as going for the classic black and gold motif that most strongly evokes Versace to me

it’s really well made, Esme did point out that the chains on the slit needed to be more pronounced, which is true but I think tonally, she nailed the weirdly specific level of sex appeal that Versace likes to do.

The only other direct celebrity reference was from Jess who was doing her best to recreate this Beyonce moment

for me, the thing that really makes this dress is the unusual shades of green – that combination of chartreuse and olive feels distinctly like something only Versace could really make work. Jess however, was opting to make it in blue to match her manicure

it’s very pretty and once again because I apparently cannot stress this enough, Jess’s model is KILLER on that runway. It is just hard to make those particular shades of blue read as anything other than a dress for Frozen On Ice: It’s Frozen But With More Ice! It was however phenomenally sewn and a perfect cap to a very strong redemptive episode for Jess.

While most of the sewers had direct Versace inspirations, Caz was opting for more of a vibes based approach to the evocation of Versace as she’s not a fan

which is fair, you don’t have to like them and I can see why Versace would be a particularly divisive brand. HOWEVER, I do think saying “Donatella gets her inspiration from anything so I’m… getting my inspiration from The Wizard of Oz” is a bit of a cop-out

I have to admire the game of 4D chess Caz is playing but that’s just a different challenge, babe. I also hold “sexy Dorothy Gale” at arm’s length because it unsettles me in the same way that sexy Catholic school girl Halloween costumes do. Granted, Caz managed to do a good job of curtailing much of that ick with her proportions

It is beautifully sewn and constructed – the strapping lies perfectly and the skirt moved like a dream. I just personally needed a stronger Versace influence. I think i relies largely on having just enough generic High Fashion Gubbins to make it read as designer, but it could be anything: Moschino, The Blondes, Balenciaga, The Current Identity Crisis of Chanel That Fascinates Me Like The Opening Premonition of a Final Destination Movie, hell, you could put this in Dior at the moment.

I think I’m grumpy this week? Maybe I should have a nap (it’s 09:30am…) I did like the outfits! I promise, Yasmin absolutely KILLED this challenge with the second harness of the episode

this is so palpably Versace that I can see Donatella wearing it. I think even with the unfinished bottom hem it was probably robbed of a Garment of the Week – if I may say something so controversial and brave.

The last of the trio of Black and Golds that summoned a second Sam Sparro jumpscare from the depths of 2008 was Kit, who had a sudden change of model to contend with when their original model fell ill, but luckily there was just a spare man lying around

it’s a really fun look but as Esme pointed out, the front of the skirt needs to be a little shorter to get more of a flash of the gold and I think some draped chaining from the skirt’s waistband to really lean into the Versace maximalism wouldn’t have gone amiss. Speaking of maximalism, Novello was throwing Versace spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks with her slightly too on the nose Medusa inspired look

that blue and gold print is a great pull for Versace and I imagine slightly inspired by the blue and gold Versace number Beyonce wore for the Renaissance tour

but the show wouldn’t let her say it because they’d already licensed one Beyonce picture for Jess and that was half the episode’s budget – you only get Beyonce as a treat. The most baffling part of Novello’s outfit are the world’s most expensive silk saddle bags, a motif I don’t believe Versace has ever deployed?

But given the average Versace enjoyer has at least one chihuahua small enough to get lost in a Birkin, maybe this is actually a great utility garment?

Glendora also went for a Grecian theme which mostly amounted to this piece of meandros trim

and also saying “Pandora” while blinking like Eurydice when Orpheus turned around

unfortunately Glendora was a long way off finishing so the dress was a bit of a mess

it’s a dress that lives and dies by its sleekness and Glendora just didn’t have the time to focus on that. Which isn’t surprising, the average Versace runway dress has anywhere between 100 to 800 hours of work put into them – the sewers had 5 and a roaming British comedian doing bits to contend with.

Lastly we have Gaynor whose tropical print dress absolutely nails that Italian woman who believes 3 aperol spritzes and a caprese salad count as lunch like a sniper

it’s kind of fabulous even if I don’t believe this dress should exist outside of the summer of 1987 and is therefore causing a rift in time and space. The only downside to it is that the cutout is too far around the back can can barely be seen from the front

I still think it was top tier though.

An Unofficial Bootleg Versace Dress Ranking:
1. Yasmin’s Business Kink
2. Gaynor Bleeds Aperol
3. The Wizard of Lazio
4. Frozen 3: Even More Frozener!
5. Float Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a 🤌
6. Kit’s Gold Member
7. Stuart’s Well Supervised Dress
8. Dan’s J-Low Dress
9. Glendora’s God-ish
10. Novello’s Versace Spaghetti

Garment of the Week was an odd for me. I truly believe Yasmin would have won it hands down if she’d finished that ruddy hemline. And really, nobody had a garment finished nearly as well as Caz’s Dorothy Slay-le. I might have honestly given it to Kit’s Transformation Challenge, but it did go to Caz and I cannot begrudge that when she reacted like this

it was a deserved win, even if I do have a few gripes with the approach to the challenge.

Coming into the Made to Measure, it was clearly Glendora, Stuart and Novello all circling the drain. Stuart was given an early reprieve for his Versace-inspired dress being decently finished and not proportionally mysterious.
The judges flipped a coin to decide if aesthetic or technique mattered more this week and it was Glendora sent pack as Novello’s tax deductable corporate retreat continues into South Korea Week because she needs to use that 300 year old bolt of luxury silk SOMEHOW

She came. She got a cold. She left.

And so, 9 sewers advance on to run the Culture Week Respectful Minefield!