Strictly 2023, Week 8, Results Show: Nepotistic Warbling

I had nowhere else I could use this screenshot.

Ynav eht nioj.

Of course the Remembrance Weekend episode has a very poignant The Troops themed dance, although this time for the first time in Strictly History outside of that time Brendan Cole did An Officer and a Gentleman cosplay

they were honouring the Navy

and as the perennial winners of the Most Likely To Have Time Travelled From the 1940s honorific, our leads were of course played by Lauren and Kai

now Strictly, we talked about this in the half finished recap of Halloween Week that’s languishing away in my drafts folder, when you put Lauren in the vague trappings of Victorian era prostitution, you were banned from ever putting wigs on her again

well… I do guess we don’t have to worry about that as much going forward BUT THE PRINCIPLE STILL STANDS.

So obviously the dance is about the two of them being in love before Kai has to answer the call of Aquaman’s conch and join the Royal Navy as Lauren watches a completely stationary HMS Belfast not leave harbour

then things get… a little muddy when Lauren receives a letter, is visibly devastated and dragged off the insane asylum with every other woman that dared show any perfectly justifiable heightened emotion

so at this point we’re all “OK, Kai died at sea, that’s a horrible reality for many people!” but apparently not and the whole thing was the sort of prank you’d expect from Neil Jones

SIR. WHAT DID YOU WRITE TO YOU PRETEND GIRLFRIEND? I would love to know but this is the best shot of the letter I can get

and even then I’m convinced it’s either the default “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet” placeholder or the prop department’s shopping list of medium-sized accessories. Or one of Nikita’s poems about Vito, the Strictly Sketch Cook holds many secrets.

The backstage gubbins reel continues to not offer much insight into anything except it was pretty explicitly telling us to brace for a Krishnan exit and we did learn that Angela and Kai’s paso doble could become even less RAWK AND ROLL

do you know what does make them look even a little bit rock and roll though? A nice dose of red lighting

don’t worry, that’s just Kai’s “listening face” meanwhile Angela is just internally screaming

as for the couples giving their best We’re Going To Blackpool Safety Sex Faces…

Angela’s absolute delight very swiftly turned into slightly horned up fear when she found out that she and Carlos are going to be dancing the Argentine Tango to Amy Winehouse’s Back To Black

the fear was real

although she might have to rely more on the backing dancers they get in Blackpool because Carlos seemed much more invested in Layton and Nikita’s Couple’s Choice to Ain’t No Other Man and did have to be reminded by Nikita that this wasn’t his dance

and according to the training footage on It Takes Two their Couple’s Choice may or may not involve a podium and pole?

a whole week of everyone talking about the hallowed halls of Blackpool and how important it is to ballroom and the first thing Layton Williams does in a routine is a spread eagle <3

and all Vito had to talk about was how he’s been polishing all of Ellie’s diagonals and that currently the two of them are between the rough

Claudia repeatedly setting up innuendo laden traps for this poor man to walk into nips first.

This week’s special guests were Andrea and Virginia Bocelli putting on a performance that sits perfectly within the cross axes of John Lewis adverts and wedding singers – ‘Tis the season

the nepotistic warbling aside, I did fall down the rabbithole of Andrea Bocelli’s website just to verify whether Virginia was his daughter or granddaughter – she is his daughter but she, and everyone else in his family, will always be playing second fiddle to the inherent eroticism of the sea and the majesty of horseback riding in Tuscany

and sometimes he combines those pleasure

RIDE BUTTERCUP! RIDE AND WE’LL JOIN HER ICY EMBRACE AND THEN I’LL NEVER HAVE TO PERFORM “TIME TO SAY GOODBYE” EVER AGAIN! I DID THAT SONG WITH ED SHEERAN, I’VE PAID MY DUES TO THE LAND, TO THE DEPTHS WE GO!

Before we get to finding out who Angela and Kai face in the Dance Off, Craig did get an opportunity to explain the 9 he gave Layton and Nikita, although nobody seemed to be drinking his Kool-Aid, least of all Anton who seemed to be actively fighting back an expletive riddled tirade

apparently we’ve awoken something inside him, this is the first time he’s felt this alive since that showdance he almost dropped Katie Derham in

Katie’s entire life flashed before her eyes in that moment.

Over with the second lot of safe announcements, Katya and Nigel were spared waiting for the red light

meaning Bobby got a second chance at trying to pretend to look worried about his future in the competition instead of knowing it was dead obvious Zara was off to the Bottom 2 – of course he did survive, meaning Krishnan and Lauren were in the danger zone

while those two go backstage to get a 30 minute advance on their goodbye speeches, up with Claudia we learn that Bobby’s 5 miles of leg are going to be doing the jive so the ballroom has had to take out extra insurance protections on the ceiling because Bobby is going to putting the notoriously springy floor through its paces

although apparently Dianne has been talking up a big game about its bounciness so if Bobby doesn’t get anything like the bouncy castle his dad rented him for his 7th birthday party his Blackpool experience is going to be ruined. I reckon we could convince him that the Ascent Trampoline Park is actually the Tower Ballroom and just have him Jive there

throw up some party streamers and balloons and he’ll never know and he probably won’t care.

There’s been a complete embargo on Party Latin at Blackpool this year, so Nigel’s offering is the mandatory Ye Olde Hollywood quickstep and will be only Katya’s second partnered performance at Blackpool, so… please learn how to do in-hold dances good?

Dance Off Time and I think many people would tell you this was very much a forgone conclusion regardless of what happened and that the only thing that could stop them from sending Angela Rippon to Blackpool was a tiny and extremely localised meteorite to her temple, which briefly did look like it may have happened because there’s a whole chunk in the middle of their Paso that looked like Angela had completely forgotten what to do and she VERY MUCH failed the high kick for the second time that evening. I think even she would probably tell you that she had the weaker dance if the abject terror in her eyes once they’d finished was anything to go by

BUT ALAS, Krishnan and Lauren lost the vote from the judges but it was the first time it wasn’t unanimous as Pissy Shirley lives to ride again because at least she saw Angela skittering across the floor like she’d stepped in olive oil