Strictly 2023, Week 7, Results Show: Suspicious Sounding Parmigiana

“To good health and Blackpool Plot Armour”

This recap is my listening face.

This week’s Pro Routine was a little bit different – there had been a mutiny in the ballroom and Jason Gilkison was ousted and replaced as head choreographer by Oti “The One That Got Away” Mabuse to put on Afro Latin Fest – the wisest decision anyone could have made

the masochist inside me would like to see the alternate universe where this whole routine was choreographed by Gilkison and in which the role of lead dancer is Neil Jones but because Jason was currently bound and gagged in the Les Dennis Naptime Broom Cupboard, Johannes was playing lead

and Jowita got a prominent part too after Mosi demanded she do a 23andMe DNA test after Hamza’s Couple’s Choice

and Neil was relegated to 2nd row chorus where he was shining like the stark white supernova he is

I have to get my Neil dunks in or else I come out in hives.

Routines like this always make me a bit sad we don’t see more like it on Strictly – I’m sure they’ve considered the idea of a Cultural Themed week or incorporating traditional dances as a category like they did Couple’s Choice. There was that whole segment on It Takes Two a few years ago where Graziano and Nadiya were doing field trips to learn about traditional dances from around the world, thus birthing my favourite Graziano Reaction Meme of all time

but something that like that is a bit of a discourse minefield and given Strictly’s approach to street dance, I’m not entirely sure I would trust them allowing a middlingly interesting soap opera man to do a Bhangra routine or having the hair team walking the razor thin line of cultural appreciation with semi-Bantu knots

the doors Adele opened.

And now for the first round of Safety Sex Faces and with the pool dwindling everyone is that much more relieved, thus improving their performances

and the first couple in the bottom two was a very pregnantly paused Angela…… and Kai

remember, that’s her “listening face” – and the advice from Anton that she was listening to was basically “don’t worry babe, we’re going to drag you to Blackpool even if it means ruining the memory of someone’s wedding song in the process.”

Over with the safe couples, we learn that Layton and Nikita are doing the Argentine Tango this coming Saturday – which Katya was particularly excited about and completely blew her mic out with the sort of guttural honking that I would only have expected from a post-tango Tess

speaking of Tess

he just got a bit tongue tied because he was having to explain why he and Ellie are apparently called Team Aubergine

the whole thing starts much like the age old rivalry between Bologna and Modena as to whose navel Tortellini are modeled after, with an Italian man being incredibly dramatic about food

Ellie, snap a handful of spaghetti in front of him, I DARE you – he won’t invite you over for another incredibly suspicious sounding parmigiana for MONTHS

my favourite part is the look on Ellie’s face when she realises quite how this anecdote sounds

especially after Nigel got away with just telling a story about how he’s scamming the local neighbourhood kids into giving him their Halloween candy because he’s apparently too old to Trick or Treat now

he lets them keep the non-branded mints, he’s only in it for the fun-sized Mars Bars really – like stealing candy from literal babies.

This week’s special guest was Zara Larsson who had come pre-prepared with an entire concept that involved her performance looking an advert for Shein

none of this clothing was surviving a 40 degree spin cycle.
And She wanted to be very involved with this number and thus Karen and Nancy were kind of forced into giving us a bit of Yaaaaas Queen, Give Us Nothing choreography that even then Zara may have slightly bitten off more than she could chew

she could just done the Christmas special and danced a samba dressed as one of Santa’s elves instead of forcing Karen and Nancy into this pre-teen sleepover bedroom choreography.

The second dip in the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery is a little shorter

and unfortunately for Adam, he hadn’t managed to get that all important Bottom Two Bounce and unfortunately for Adam’s wife she was having to watch the Dancing On My Own rumba twice in one night which begins to seem a little too pointed in all honesty

and then the advice for him was this

and Adam looked like he was seeing through time and space

it could also just be the second slingshot of paracetamol Luba had fired at him in the green room 20 minutes ago was beginning to really hit.

Up with the second lot of safe couples we learn that as we watched this very moment there was apparently a young girl somewhere being ill with anxiety

Krishnan, we all know it’s filmed on Saturday, just text your family and tell them what happens – who knows, your 4 year old niece could be Dave Thorpe’s new mole. It’s a respectable career.
We also learned that Krishnan and Lauren are doing the Samba next week so you can chalk another one up on the Bamboleometre

this will be its 6th appearance on the show and 5th samba – somehow it was used for a Paso Doble by Christopher and Hannah in series 1.

Over with Bobby,apparently he’s slowly training Dianne to talk in nothing but beeps and boops

and Carlos has finally earned a hug from Angela’s little girl which he was maybe a little bit too intense about so I wouldn’t count on a second one because that’s the face of a woman who has revoked babysitting privileges

but he can now go ask Nigel for tips on how to get her to help him set up an Oliver Twist style street urchin gang from which he can pilfer Smarties from.

Lastly we have the Dance Off which was a little interesting, I don’t think there is a single world where Adam doesn’t go out at exactly this point – they’ve used up all three of his Glittery Genie wishes: the waltz, his Couple’s Choice and the Wedding Song Rumba whereas Angela is still creating tabloid moments with every leg extension and very much has reinforced mithril-grade Blackpool Plot Armour. I did think Adam had the better Dance Off performance, Angela still felt a little stuttery to me, but I think overall she’s a more interesting dancer so I’m not that sad to see the Default Setting MMORPG man going out

and I’m glad a good portion of the series was mostly devoted to constantly saying “Good for Luba, Luba deserves nice things” so Nadiya’s going to have to pull hell of a lot of strings if she wants the role of Designated Series Blonde back.

And so, on to Week 8!

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