Strictly Come Dancing 2022, Week 12, Results Show: The Mega Plank

We need to address the fact that pasta is obviously covered in half a tube of tomato puree and NOTHING else.

Was it worth it, The Football? WAS IT?

I probably should have just tacked the results show recap as a single paragraph onto the end of my Main Show recap because we have in fact given the football far to much power over our lives and as such sacrificed the weekly pro dance of the week in a wooden effigy of Harry Kane, like Nicolas Cage in The Wicker Man. While a violin-heavy cinematic cover version of Adele’s Set Fire To The Rain played as a cross-promotion for The Traitors.

But alas, we start the show with Claudia and Tess, the latter of which looked like we had rudely interrupted her mission to help the rest of The X-Men save the world

her superpower is that she can go invisible for up to 8 months at a time – when was the last time you saw her in the wild during April? As well, of course, as having total control over any sort of dramatic studio lighting in The Monkseal Safety Sax Face Gallery

I was a little surprised they didn’t leave Molly and Fleur until last, but it was worth forgoing the psychological torture just to see her and Carlos going absolutely bonkers over getting through

but as one half of the oft prophesized Semi-final Showdown to end Semi-final Showdowns rose, the other fell with Fleur and Vito being dowsed in red like a bowl of hours old spaghetti

but it wasn’t all over yet because you know… Will Mellor was looking the most depressed someone in a bucket hat has ever looked

and Motsi was on hand to hyper her up like she was amping up the crowd ahead of the Gladiators obstacle course, so it was safe to say at least one member of the judging panel was firmly in her corner.

While Vito went backstage to shout at someone about spaghetti, we head up to the balcony where Carlos is very much an emotional mess, made particularly funny by the fact he’s dressed like a baroque picture frame

and he and Molly reveal that their showdance next week is to a Prince MegaMix. And they didn’t reveal which dances they were redoing but we’ve since found out that the judges chose the quickstep and they’ve chosen their rumba – which are pretty good picks even if it’s just because they’re the ONLY couple not doing a couple’s choice routine… which is merciful considering their couple’s choice but as much as I love the other three finalists’ couples choice routines: Hamza’s Salsa and Couple’s Choice as well as Helen’s Jive and Couple’s Choice don’t feel particularly varied and I would have loved to have seen more ballroom represented, because as well as her Destiny’s Child FanCam, Fleur is doing her increasingly seasonally appropriate Mexican Christmas Samba.
So I guess big old, slightly cluttered ballroom show dances it is then!?

This week we had Lewis Capaldi singing for us, who is my third favourite Capaldi after Peter Capaldi and Lewis Capaldi Having To Be Muted At The BRIT Awards

he was joined by Katya and Giovanni doing a very lovely contemporary sort of Viennese Waltz which did feel like a bit of a sneak peek into what I assume Vito and Fleur are going to go for with their Showdance to Find Me by Sigma and Birdy and I’ll bet my bottom dollar they try to go for The Mega Plank

I just beg of them to not put Vito in a rose gold crocodile skin shirt

it’s like something Paris Hilton circa 2003 would have made her chihuahua wear.

Of course all that was left for Tess to do was reveal whether it was Helen and Gorka or Will and Nancy joining Fleur and Vito in the bottom two, a place that was rockier and harder for some more than others…

I hope little Mia Atkinson-Marquez is ok, as Will, His Bucket Hat and Nancy crash into the bottom two

and everyone has to try really hard to insist that this couple’s choice is a really great routine which only makes me suspicious that someone kicked off about it being an obvious Manchester accented death trap backstage

while Nancy and Will go backstage to work out which tram stop they have to get off at, Helen reveals that neat week their show dance will be to a rare non-Olympic year sighting of Emeli Sande, then there’s a VT in which everyone has to look at the Glitter Ball Trophy like they’re a jewel thief planning to steal the Hope Diamond

on top of having her retina seared by looking too directly into the light, Molly also looked like she had contracted a severe case of Discotisis

perhaps she’s planning to give her rumba a bit of the Will Mellor head cold flavour.

Then it was time for the dance off where apparently Vito has learned NOTHING from the previous attempt at wolfing down stale pasta in 5 seconds, and just went at it like he’d never seen food before in his life

Their second attempt at the Charleston had a very Dance Off energy to it, it felt quite frantic and imaginably because Vito’s hands were covered in marinara sauce he didn’t manage to get as good a grip on Fleur in their first lift so it looked a little sloppier than their first attempt

however, most of Will’s routine was a bit like Vito’s stale pasta – he seemed VERY resigned to the fact he was going home and I think the only thing that would have really saved him was if the judges were going to take into account this was his first dip into the bottom 2, a conundrum that gave us quite the quartet of stress headaches

and they were going to cause Fleur and Will maximum psychic damage by taking it right down to Shirley, who was quite frankly furious that she was having to do her job

ultimately she put her vote behind Fleur and Vito, meaning Will and Nancy were eliminated in the most uncomfortable exit interview you could possibly imagine – the sound of Nancy sobbing because the sound engineer refused to kill her mic will haunt me forever

Nancy vs Semi-finals is the blood feud I never suspected.

And so, we have our finalists which by some miracle involves both Fleur and Molly!

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