Welcome to the Strictly Come Dancing Complaints Hotline, how may I help you?

Angst! Woe! Cappuccino!

We start in a black and white world, in a black and white house where a black and white girl is filled with black and white ANGST

imaginably she’s trying to seek a way out of her marriage to Craig and their dog Gorka if the paintings hanging on the wall are anything to go by

and who could blame her, Craig treats her HORRIBLY!

but there is hope, a flash of colour in this monochrome world of dancerly woe – Katya Jones, in full technicolour

and this wouldn’t be the first time Luba and Katya have played moody cynical ~goth~ meets happy sunshine prep (Hello Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way, it’s been a while)

things that make you go “Hmmm-rold they’re lesbians.”.

Meanwhile at the cafe it’s also all doom and gloom because Neil just ordered a medium latte, half oat milk, half almond milk. 3.5 shots, extra foam (but not enough to make it a cappuccino), brown sugar stirred in with spooned on foam, not poured and decorated with an artistic cinnamon landscape

Amy gave him an Americano and told him to leave before she gave him a coffee enema on the house

she was just having a thoroughly terrible day, but I too would hate to have the role of barista and… phone operator?

you’ll never guess why they had to shoehorn Amy answering the phone into the routine…

Ah yes, the Jason Gilkison school of incredibly on the nose storytelling, I wonder what this bit meant then?

*googles “self-satisfied chess player”*

oh no.

And then of course, it was Katya’s job to turn the whole world back into colour with some fun quick changes, and if you remember all of this happening in a big group jive last year NO YOU DON’T, we’re not repeating gimmicks that quickly, we promise…

I was only disappointed that Katya didn’t have to laboriously rip the clothes off of every single member of the cast because if there’s anyone that could do it it’s Kat[ARIADNE STOP, THIS IS LIBEL]

sucks to be anyone that had their view completely obscured by the massive set pieces on the side of the dancefloor though, but I only really bring up this bit because for some reason Amy is completely absent from the big group portion

and seemed to spend the whole thing crouched behind her counter, because by the end of it she had popped back up to wildly twirl around what could well be her knickers which might explain why she was relegated to torso-up shots ONLY

we’re in Amy’s Girls Gone Wild era, no more tea dresses and kitschy jives for her! She’s Bad Amy. She’s Not Like Other Girls Amy. She’s Gone Girl Amy.

My only other observation about this routine is that I want Nadiya’s white and green coat

I suspect it’s just The Power of Nadiya, because I’m sure I would absolutely look like a travelling peppermint saleswoman but maybe that’s the life for me.

And we’ve reached the portion of the competition where the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sexy Face Gallery is a very short affair and they went very boring by announcing the two top scorers as safe first

Boo! Give us drama. Speaking of which, the first couple in the Bottom 2 were Fleur and Vito

and I swear to God if this means we get sexy rumbas put on ice again, I will never forgive the British public.
Shirley Ballas, self-appointed Queen of the Rumba (no relation to Carlos Gu, self-appointed King of the Rumba) mostly just tells Fleur that she has to remember to breathe during her routine instead of doing like she’s going for a breath control record, which she could well do, they do have a Guinness World Records adjudicator in the cupboard of Prop People ext to Molly’s gaggle of friends.

Up with Claudia, it’s a tale of two halves with Hamza and Will the former Hamza not being particularly familiar with musicals, which he may well have only said to try and get a free ticket to the Lion King musical because we are having the second Lion King samba of the series – I’m sure Richie has no strong feelings about that at all… Meanwhile, Will waxes lyrical about a love of musical theatre because he met his wife during one and is VERY excited about the song they’re getting to do, which as it turns out is to Sun and Moon from Miss Saigon and not to read too much into anything but as Will talks about it, Nancy only makes this face…

I can only assume this was Will’s big ticket item (and my God what a hill to die on, mate) and the Kula Shaker Charleston was a diversion tactic.

The mid-show musical act was Tom Grennan and Joel Corry, the former of which you may remember (you won’t) from randomly being stuck in the middle of the cowboy showdown routine and sticking out like a sore thumb

he obviously didn’t get the BYOCO (Bring Your Own Cowboy Outfit) Memo.
As for who Joel Corry Is, I can only assume he was the omnipotent DJ in the Sky

I guess we should just be thankful that every musical guest-spot in 2020 wasn’t done via Skype – just Sam Smith disconnecting as they reach for that big note.

And now to find out who will be joining Fleur in the Bottom 2, with the only couple to be announced as Safe being Helen and Gorka

meaning it was downto Molly or Ellie, with it not quite being time for the prophesised Showdown For The Ages, as Johannes and Ellie had finally reached the limit of their Offshore Voting Sweatshop

and Molly’s entire 22 years flashed before her eyes.
Motsi has to try her best to not just tell Tess she’s saving Fleur this evening and mostly tells Ellie to try really, really hard before leaving it on this ominous note

that’s also what a mafia don says before he whacks someone, Motsi.

Up with Claudia and we literally learn nothing, not an ounce of information about Musicals Week except everyone wants to be there and jazz hands will be involved – Helen is not enthused

my kingdom for a scrap of information that isn’t just Molly and Helen thanking viewers for voting for them – WE GET IT. Now tell us you’re doing a Charleston to Hot Honey Rag so Twitter can get offended that you’re touching the sacristy of Georgia May Foote’s Charleston

Molly, you in danger girl.

The Dance Off went very much as expected, Ellie’s Jive just couldn’t hold up against Fleur’s Rumba and it was probably Ellie and Johannes’s time to leave the competition anyway, it’s been a really fun ride with them and I’m glad they got such a warm send off with everyone chanting Ellie’s name from the balcony

it is a little gutting that the theme of Ellie’s time on Strictly is that she’s been “a very good theatrical performer!” and then you know… she goes out the week before Musicals Week.

And so, into the quarterfinal we go with 6 couples!

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