Goodbye fellow kids.
You live by the Disney licensing, you die by the Disney licensing.
Having managed to resist both Rocketman and Bohemian Rhapsody themed pro-dances in Movie Weeks gone by, apparently the siren song of Elvis (2022) was too much to resist and so we open with Vito as Elvis, which might be the best advert for Elvis’s music since the death of Elvis
of course he was the only choice for it because, as he flagaranty lied his way through an interview on It Takes Two, his favourite musician is *squints at script* Elvis. Sadly he wasn’t a fan of Elvis’s Promised Land era, so there were no white suits and flares despite the fact Kai is practically built to wear them and instead all the guys were dressed like Disney Channel Bad Boys
and every Elvis needs a Priscilla, with the role apparently being played by Nadiya which is why she was dressed exactly the same as every other female pro – Vito at least got the leatheriest leather trousers and most exposed chest
look, there was a sale on the sexy Harley Quinn costumes, Vicky Gill can only do so much when she’s also got to dress everyone exactly like the Encanto characters or someone’s child is going to cry.
The costume department weren’t the only ones thinly stretched because with about 15 group numbers to learn throughout May and June, there’s only so much you can remember and I am 90% sure Vito was just making this up as he went along
and he was not the only one, quite a bit of the routine felt a bit like everyone was winging their way through a hoedown, high on life and moonshine – but at least everyone looked hot, it’s what Elvis and Baz Luhrmann would have wanted. Which makes it sound like I think Baz Luhrmann is dead because I did as I was confusing him and Joel Schumacher, so I shall now mourn the loss of the absolute batshit insanity that would have been a musical biopic about Elvis as directed by Joel Schumacher. The greatest loss we never had.
Up on Tess and Claudia’s Introductory Balcony, because they’re still not doing a big walk-on for some reason, Tess has gone for an easy-wipe vinyl skirt ahead of the Disney bloodbath that this results show was about to become
and with the judges getting no big introduction until they sit down for the Judges Debrief which is mostly dedicated to Shirley launching a national appeal to find Tony’s Samba
it’s time for the weekly Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery, which is particularly exciting because it’s probably the only time we’ll find out how much surprise Matt Goss is able to emote considering he’s absolutely being subjected to a jive-based death in Week 4
and being left high and dry like shell-shocked sashimi on the body of a half naked Huddersfield resident were Fleur and Vito
which does now explain why the Backstage Montage gave Tess and Claudia a whole The West Wing style walking-and-talking bit to do
and needless to say, Fleur’s dip into depths of the Dance Off sent shockwaves across the ballroom, by which I mostly mean Richie looked the most exhausted cast member of Meerkat Manor
so while everyone else goes backstage to see if they can coax Matt Goss’s eyebrows into doing anything, a rather surprised Craig gives Fleur some helpful advice about adding a little more flow and expression into her movements.
Upstairs, Doctor Winkleman’s Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy session is in full swing as Will Mellor is having a full on internal wooby doom spiral while Nancy wonders of the locks on the cell she puts him in during the week are strong enough to stop him quitting
which did then somewhat hamper the vibe of interviews and we got no dance reveals for the week, but we did learn that Helen has the undying support of her local dairy farm and if you’re wondering how the off-putting Guardians of the Galaxy Cha Cha Cha managed to survive what should have been a textbook bussing, they hadn’t factored in James Gunn, the director, would notice and bolster the routine
Before we see one all male partnership die a death via a fun fur samba, another must thrive with Carlos and Nikita performing a very sexy sort of Rumbatine Tango (which is surprisingly not the name of a character from CATS)
with the special musical guest being Cabaret Glambert at his most Cabaret Glambert, also surprisingly not the name of a character from CATS
and it was nice to see Carlos getting to do a real good, sensual rumba because it is his favourite dance and they are absolutely not going to let Mollie near one – she’s a CBBC actress who kids expect to look like this
that screenshot is from an episode in which Nova Jones has to try and sing an emotional ballad for the first time because the audience she’s performing for are, like Helen Skelton’s biggest fans, all glasses of milk prone to breakage if she sings something a little more lively
so I’m guessing they would have curdled in the presence of this special guest spot
but as very good as the dance was, it did also have this move in it which was a little bit too “hold tight, spidermonkey” for my liking
but they made up for it by having at least 4 cheating-the-camera kisses
and the reason I imagine they can’t film this live is because Horndog Tess had to go have a 15 minute ice bath afterwards before she could get around to the next lot of Safety Sex Faces
I’m going to need 100% more emotion from these two, they could learn from Ellie Taylor:
so it all came down to being between The Extremely Sincere Jurassic Park Rumba or the samba-shaped dance forced into a Hakuna Matata-shaped hole…
I for one am completely shocked that the dance performed in some haphazardly embellished onesies didn’t resonate with the public at large. With the dance having scored (a very generous) 27, the advice from Motsi was to just lather, rinse repeat.
While Giovanni and Richie went backstage to shoves their noggins in the oversized plush heads of a meerkat and a warthog, we go upstairs where the experiment to see how long it takes to liquify Tyler West’s bones continues as next week he’s doing a high energy couple’s choice routine to a Garage Megamix, which Jowita is particularly excited about – Ellie Taylor has NO CLUE
Tyler’s on a bullet train to going up in flames with a Musicals Week Cha Cha Cha.
The only other routine we get to know anything about is that Kym and Graziano are doing a samba to Volare and if I don’t see Graziano walking around that stage pretending to play a guitar as badly as Helen Skelton pretends to play a piano, I am going to be PAINED.
As for the dance off, Richie and Giovanni hit it first and I think there was an air of the inevitable about the whole thing – the only thing they could really hope for was Anton’s fascination with Giovanni’s overly padded warthog derriere hypnotising him into throwing them a chaotic vote which would have saved them because if you can count on one thing, it’s that Shirley’s going to sell Fleur down the river the first chance she gets
but sadly the spell cast by the porcine twerking was somewhat undone by Richie ending the routine looking like you’d interrupted Aleksandr Orlov in the middle of a spaghetti dinner
and that kids, is why you don’t sew shag carpeting to your chest.
It was three straight votes to save Fleur and Vito which did mean we were saying goodbye to Richie and Giovanni, who had thankfully removed the headpieces because I’m not sure I could have coped with a clearly very gutted Richie’s face emerging out from the maw of a dead-eyed meerkat
and I’ve never been more mad at the incredibly intrusive bumper credits than when they came up while Giovanni was spinning Richie around
and with that, we’re down to 13 couples
And if you’ve enjoyed this recap of Strictly Come Dancing’s Movie Week Results Show and would like to support the blog, you can leave a small donation via my Ko-fi HERE.