A rare and elusive Quadruple Denim sighting.

Remember, if anyone sits in separate chairs they must HATE one another.

Monday: The Politest Blood Feud

Kaye And Kai Say Goodbye
It’s a send off interview with the distinct energy of a school councillor trying to reassure a student trapped in a doom spiral that their life isn’t completely over because they failed an algebra-heavy maths exam – there’s still so many opportunities out there like… reality TV obsessed blogger? But then for all the work that Rylan and Kai did to give Kaye a warm-hearted send off, the Best Bits Montage completely undid it by using an echo-y amped up version of Craig saying “under danced and underperformed” LIKE GUYS???? These are her best bits! It should have just been 30 seconds of her smacking Kai’s arse set to Run by Snow Patrol!

Will & Nancy
So these two didn’t take Shirley telling them to work harder particularly well, which is probably fair considering Nancy takes her partners hostage and if they don’t turn out a passable run through the dance by Wednesday she eats their heads. But there’s also a distinct side step around the exact amount of hours they put into their salsa – WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS? SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS! Hamza’s out here saying “9 hours of jive training” directly to camera!
They’ve landed a Dirty Dancing American Smooth to Cry To Me which is an interesting choice considering it’s a scene Patrick Swayze spends entirely topless and if I don’t get an American Smooth That Fucks I’m going to be VERY upset with Nancy.

Clifton’s Cloreography Clorner

It’s just not a thrilling segment without the potential of Flavia Cacace showing up looking like she’s trying to recruit us for a cult she runs on Maui.

Richie & Giovanni
While the the show makes every effort to emphasise the amount of support Richie and Giovanni are getting, the gutter press are running 3 articles an hour about the fact they were sitting in separate chairs because they must be feuding and that’s not just how some of the interviews on It Takes Two are set up…

Amy Dowden and James Bye are trapped in the politest blood feud you’ve ever seen, apparently.
Giovanni did seem a little drained though, mostly because they’d spent the whole morning samba training with Richie trying to slip him £20 to put less technical steps in – who does he think he is? Matt Goss?
As well as being on Samba duty this weekend, they are also going to be the sacrificial prosthetic lambs as they’re doing it to Hakuna Matata and will be dressed up as Timon and Pumbaa, which almost certainly means we’re getting some horrible amalgamation of Aljaz’s Baloo Suit and Dianne’s Goosebumps Pig Mask

probably with a pair of hastily glued on glittery tusks that will fall out halfway through the routine like we’re all watching Giovanni having an anxiety dream.

Tuesday: Gentleman Bones

Matt Goss’s Gentleman Bones & Nadiya
Apparently we can put Matt’s Dance Off performance down to his “gentleman bones” trying to commit rhythmic seppuku in a gallant act of self-sacrifice to allow Kaye to continue on the competition. Rylan somehow manages to stop himself from going for the very obvious innuendo when Matt dropped the low-hanging tightly packed fruit that were his “gentleman bones” – we support personal growth! But if they do need to deploy the white trousers again, Nadiya is keeping them warm for him

but they’ll have to stay off this week because we’re getting an incredibly earnest and sincere Top Gun: Maverick Viennese Waltz with Matt wasting no time in mentioning his grandfather was a gunner in World War 2, so there’s no need to ring Dan Walker up to try and hook them up with a war veteran he found in a Sheffield park but we’re getting one hell of schmaltzy VT out of this.

Clifton’s Cloftography Clofner

“I have got brackets under me arms!”

James & Amy
James is still insistently positive about their Guardians of the Galaxy Cha Cha Cha in the face of every new detail I learn about it making it a more obvious stitch up than Tom and Amy being made to do an overly sentimental and confused Les Mis Couple’s Choice routine in from of Cynthia Erivo – the absolute lack of brand recognition Starlord has for the average viewer, going from a tango to a Cha Cha Cha, Amy inevitably being painted an off-putting shade of green and clad in leather – it’s not screaming “vote getter”. And in her desperation to find a gimmick outside of becoming, in James’s words, “frog woman” she’s apparently stolen Nadiya’s Strangely Italian Sounding Yorkshire Barmaid bit

Amy Dowden vs Theme Weeks is the real feud of the franchise.

Kym & Graziano
SHE’S VERY BUSY but she’s hoping to put all of her Waterloo Road prowess into her Sweet Charity Charleston, and she’s going to have to because she’s doing it to If My Friends Could See Me Now which means the Tom and Camilla stans have smelled blood in the water and are willing defend the sacred honour of that 14 year old Freestyle routine in all of its 240p YouTube glory. But we do have some early footage of their Charleston and it’s looking promising

Graziano is just really happy the Super Mario Bros movie got delayed a year, meanwhile Kym is very excited that she gets to be ~goofy~ and ~quirky~ because she always has to play the straight man to Gethin Jones on The One Show 2: This Morning Boogaloo.

Wednesday: Trousered Pairs

Molly & Carlos

The argyle vest continues to needlessly fascinate me, even more so in the absence of a shirt and the turquoise necklace.
For some reason the big talking point of their quickstep was the fact they were both in trousers (and how much pressure that puts on you to get the footwork spot-on) because it’s not like both Quicksteps on Saturday night were done by trousered pairs or anything… And I assume Molly won’t have much to hide behind with her “One Hand, One Heart” West Side Story Waltz so she’ll almost certainly be in a shin-length dress Vicky got in the dregs of ASOS’s summer sale. Maybe they can throw in a smoke machine as a treat and call it New York City atmosphere.

Hamza & Jowita
I still can’t quite get over the fact a Jurassic Park Rumba is happening, it’s like the sort of thing they do on Comic Relief as a joke, although to Hamza’s credit he has vetoed the idea of being dressed as a dinosaur, that doesn’t however mean that Neil Jones won’t be running around in the background of their rumba in one of the inflatable dinosaur costumes

but I can also see now why Hamza’s jive was a little ropey if he had to dance it knowing full well that he was doing a Jurassic Park rumba this week, which will at least be a little easier on his knees.

Ellie & Johannes
I am a little worried about Ellie this week – it’s her first Latin dance and she is one of my fellow Women Who Are 95% Limb and that does tend to make the Latin routines a little awkward, especially the Cha Cha Cha and the whole straight leg thing – AJ Odudu owes a world of gratitude for being able to dodge that one. But what Ellie does have is not being painted green and a Cher song, which can always be camped up to 11 and get the audience more on your side.

Tyler & Dianne
You would think that after doing a Jive and running a marathon on the same weekend they’d be nice and lob Tyler a Waltz or a Rumba but in what seems like a poorly disguised plan to kill him, they’ve handed him a Half A Sixpence Charleston to Flash, Bang, Wallop! And his Tuesday training footage very much looked like it was a Charleston being done after a Jive and a Marathon

I’m sure he’ll be fine by Saturday but I am worried that they’re burning through his fun crowd pleasing routines this early on in the competition, which does stink of having a salsa dancing bus driven over him in the semi-finals – it’s only traditional!

Thursday: A Very Convincing Pterodactyl impression

Fleur & Vito
They’re back in ballroom this week, probably because they want to give Vito a chance to redo some ballroom and make it, you know, actual ballroom and also because we’ve had one Little Mermaid themed Latin routine and it was QUITE enough

so yes, Fleur will be playing the part of Ariel in an American Smooth to Part Of Your World which is rather lovely and a nice show of solidarity in the face of the overtly racist reactions to Halle Bailey being cast as Ariel.
And if Hamza and Jowita need a dinosaur extra for their routine, Fleur apparently does a very convincing Pterodactyl impression

that’s actually one of the lifts they’ve got planned, Vito calls it “The Pteranodon” but he loudly pronounces the P.

Pro Routine: Elvis (2022)
Vito lying his way through saying that Elvis is his favourite musician is already the highlight of this routine because I have to say “commercial hip-hop Elvis” sounds like a Couple’s Choice routine they’d specifically engineer to send someone home on in Week 4. Also they really gambled on Elvis (2022) being a bigger cinematic talking point than it ended up being, huh?

Tony & Katya
First of all we might as well just address Katya’s outfit

it’s very “wasted at a festival chic” but I do appreciate that I reckon I could identify Katya based only on her shoes – nobody else is wearing thigh high denim boots AND IT’S A DAMN SHAME.
As for their routine this week, we have been promised a striptease of a samba which flies flagrantly in the face of Tony starting the interview by saying he doesn’t want to be the comedy contestant… Sorry mate, I think it’s a case of the comedy routine choosing you. But I’m glad he’s more enthused for the process after his Charleston, with Katya now only referring to his Tango as “a past trauma” – it works for all of us.

Let’s Get Frocked
It will be hard for anything to beat the extended awkward silence after Janette gave a dramatic drumroll only for Vicky Gill to then reveal that beneath the cloth was a 3 for £12 Cardigan from Primark

it is for Helen, who will be Grease’s Sandy so it fits, but it did not warrant the dramatic reveal.
Fleur’s mermaid outfit is causing Vicky endless woes as apparently a skirt feels like it ruins ~the authenticity of a mermaid~ but I swear to God if I have to watch Fleur doing an American Smooth in a pair of leggings and a seashell bikini, I might riot – GIVE HER SOME PROPER BALLROOM STUFF!
As for the men, it’s beginning to increasingly sound like they’ll all just be sharing one leather jacket and wearing whatever they could bring in from home – it’s that classic 14 couple Movie Week fatigue!

Jayde & Karen
Does anyone want to take a stab at how many times they think Jayde has watched her Tango back since Saturday? Because I’d hazard a guess she rented out the local cinema for the entirety of Sunday and she just sat there, watching it on loop while reciting Nicole Kidman’s monologue from the AMC Theatres advert

And honestly? Good for her, I’m glad she’s having fun.
She’s following James’s lead and going from her Tango to the Cha Cha Cha, which is a tricky transition but they seem very upbeat about it – they are going full Flashdance and have promised leotards, legwarmers and jazz shoes, the latter being a bit of a concern because I fear it’ll make it a little stompy with her being back in flats.

Friday: Kenneth Williamsing

Helen & Gorka
Despite the fact they didn’t get the warmest reception for their Cha Cha Cha, Gorka is still checked into the competition and has refrained from creating a truly cursed Movies Week performance and is instead fully embracing his role as what might be the show’s 6th version of Danny Zuko

and Helen assures us that she is playing Good Girl Sandy, not that we thought otherwise – we’ve seen the sensible white cardigan she’s going to be wearing but it is nice that we don’t have to worry about TWO ballroom dances potentially being done in leggings.

Ellie & Nikita
As much as they’ve been training for their The Artist themed routine, which looks like it’s going to be a very dapper black and white affair

Ellie is apparently also training Nikita up for University Challenge by quizzing him on “questions about the universe” – it’s that or she’s slyly trying to work out what the security questions for his bank account are and she’s going to rob him blind – just occasionally asking about his mother’s middle name amidst questions like “What is a Neutron star?”, “Why is Hamza doing a rumba to the Jurassic Park theme tune?” and “How many bones does a tapir have?” – all questions I’m sure Nikita has the answers to.

The Friday Panel: Richard Arnold, Clara Amfo & Shaparak Khorsandi
Another very good Friday Panel, very much depending on how you feel about Richard Arnold Kenneth Williamsing his way through most of it and the whole thing very much being about testing the waters of casting The Artist Formerly Known as Shappi next year – I’ll allow it.
Their big pick for the weekend is pretty unanimously Jayde’s Flashdance routine – I’ll be happy to be proved wrong but I’m not sure I’m seeing in it what they’re seeing in it. None of them had nearly enough questions about the Jurassic Park rumba, but they were all out in force to defend the honour of Ellie and Johannes’s paso doble before delivering motivational speeches to Matt Goss about needing to let go and enjoy the competition before promptly all picking him for this weekend’s elimination

I can’t afford to lose 60% of my blog content in Week 3! I still think James is a goner and his kids being excited about the routine is not nearly enough for me to be glamoured into thinking otherwise.

And so, we’ll find out which of our 14 remaining couples gets the chop this weekend…

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