Celebrity MasterChef 2022, The Final: Rarely Sighted Erect Prawn

Very much me managing to get a recap out by 10am. There’s a backlog, I am aware.

It’s the final and sadly my write-in ballot for Kitty Scott-Claus was not taken seriously.

A Three Course Race

As ever, the big decider was for the finalists to cook a three course menu, and you might think that getting through 9 plates of food would be a bit of a struggle, but you needn’t worry because Danny was only serving John and Gregg one (1) rarely sighted erect prawn each

Sir, that is a canapé.

By all accounts it was a beautifully cooked singular acrobatic prawn and it damn well had to be do not earn a scoff of disdain as Gregg Wallace finished the entire plate off in a single mouthful.

Much like his starter, Danny’s entire menu was stolen from inspired by the cookery course that he and his wife did on their honeymoon in Malaysia, with his main course being a deconstructed Massaman curry because apparently the show hasn’t caused enough international conflicts with Malaysia over the years

as it’s the Celebrity MasterChef final, both John and Gregg choose t very much look beyond the fact his lamb was clearly very unrendered and there isn’t a single frame of footage of them actually eating it. Instead Gregg focuses on the fact that Danny inexplicably threw a padron pepper on the plate, potentially while blindfolded

which would have made it a little more impressive.

For dessert Danny was making Fried Banana Gyozas in a Coconut Caramel Sauce, which Gregg had a few feigned concerns about

he says one thing but his face is very much asking whether the bowl would be wide enough for him to completely forgo the need for a spoon

with the flower petals and the scattering of the last bits in a Flake wrapper, it is veering a little into looking like a bowl of potpourri, but John and Gregg were both very pleased with their banana dumplings.

Taking a leaf from Danny’s book of successes, Mel was starting her menu off with a Japanese inspired dish but while Danny talked about 5 star teppanyaki restaurants in the high-rises f Tokyo, Mel was just stealing from Wagamama’s menu

her starter being a Crispy Rice Cake topped with Steak Tartare

she had intended to add the confit egg yolk that is usually served with a steak tartare but unfortunately she had broken both of them at the last second and hadn’t thought to do any extras

it probably did mean the dish was a lot drier than it should have been, but at least we have footage of John and Gregg actually eating her raw steak.

She was moving over to Italy for her main course, serving up Langoustine Ravioli which she plated up like her langoustine was preparing for a cold, hard winter

Gregg enthusing that the snuggly little langoustine was “beautiful” is perhaps my favourite non-Kitty related moment of the series, it’s just delightfully absurd. But at least they could also enthuse that it was well cooked with her perfectly made pasta and generous crab and langoustine filling.

For her dessert, she was making a Cherry Clafoutis as a nod to her mum, with it being her favourite pudding

it does look pretty damn good too, John was concerned that she was serving it with Chocolate Sauce but upon trying it did seem to change his mind – out of politeness or genuine conversion cannot truly be known on Celebrity MasterChef.

Last up was Lisa and I regret ever using the Monkey’s Paw to wish that people would stop serving mackerel with apple because we’re now in the Mackerel and Rhubarb Era

the mackerel was incredibly well cooked and the skin looked beautifully crispy – I’m just sceptical about the rhubarb, I’m sure it works, I just personally wouldn’t go for it but John and Gregg liked it.

Her main course was a quest for redemption as she was attempting to cook duck again after not doing brilliantly with Anna Haugh’s recipe and she very much managed to rectify her mistakes by giving herself enough time to properly rest the duck so it hadn’t bled all over the plate

and it went down a storm – especially with the multiple mushroom components, her sunflower puree and the soy and honey dressing.

For her dessert, and the final dish of the competition, Lisa was making the lovechild of a Chocolate Torte and a Baked Cheesecake – serving a very rich dark chocolate ganache on a biscuit base, and yes, they did say The Line™

as well as the tart she was also serving soured cherries and a cream-filled brandysnap

and John wasted absolutely no time in completely totaling the brandysnap like a car having a tree fall on it

and as John and Gregg eulogised it to the heavens, Lisa’s eyebrow was back in action

oh she knew what was about to happen.

A Final Dinner Dish Ranking:

  1. Lisa’s Red Duck Redemption
  2. Lisa’s Buttery Biscuit Base
  3. Danny’s Bananas Fukuoka
  4. Mel’s Clafoutis Conversion Plan
  5. A Sick Langoustine’s Duvet Day
  6. Danny’s Unfilmed Lamb
  7. Grange Calveley’s Lesser Known Hit: Rhubarb and Mackerel
  8. Danny’s Circus Act Canapé
  9. Mel’s Wagamama Thievery

It was probably always going to come down to being between Danny and Lisa – I think they were clearly more comfortable cooking competitively than Mel was and it kind of showed. I enjoy both Lisa and Danny’s food, a lot of the things they’ve cooked are exactly what I would order but I don’t think Danny’s final menu was in any way his best work and he would have been much better off cooking some of his earlier dishes for this round, so I think it was a thoroughly well deserved win for Lisa Snowdon and her very dirty apron, our 2022 Celebrity MasterChef Champion

and that was that! We got there eventually! It’s been a super fun series to watch and write about and if you’ve enjoyed these recaps and would like to support the blog, you can drop a small tip over on my Ko-fi account HERE – it really does help keep the blog up and running!

And once again, a big congratulations to Lisa and all the other celebrities who made the show so entertaining this year

Row 1: Adam Pearson, Chris Eubank, Clarke Peters, Cliff Parisi
Row 2: Danny Jones, Faye Winter, Gareth Malone, Jimmy Bullard
Row 3: Kae Kurd, Katya Jones, Kirsty Gallacher, Kitty Scot-Claus
Row 4: Lesley Joseph, LISA SNOWDON, Mel Blatt, Miss Mojo
Row 5: Nancy Dell’Olio, Paul Chuckle, Richard Blackwood, Ryan Thomas

And if you’ve enjoyed this recap of Celebrity MasterChef 2022 and would like to support the blog, you can leave a small donation via my Ko-fi HERE.

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