Celebrity MasterChef 2022, Episode 12: The Dessert Cavalry

Would you? Would you really?

It’s the last of our quarterfinals and Ryan Thomas is doing everything in his power to not have a complete breakdown.

Two Course Race

For this week’s quarterfinal Lisa, Ryan and Kitty would be cooking for last year’s champion and all round absolute babe, Kadeena Cox

as well as Greg Rutherford who I mostly think about as being in Hot Ghost Mode from his and Natalie’s Very Not A Rumba, Halloween Rumba because it’s the closest I’m ever going to get to having a Crimson Peak themed routine on Strictly

NOBODY is doing camp on Strictly quite like Natalie Lowe did camp on Strictly.

The last of the guest judges was of course Angellica Bell who was leading the dessert cavalry into war

sadly she lost this battle as they were only served a single dessert because Kitty was dedicated to cooking hearty dishes that only require one pot and Ryan still doesn’t trust gelatine enough to risk another dessert.

The day started with Ryan and, oh what a way to start an episode as this poor hunk of a man spent most of his time just pleading for the sweet release of death

and John and Gregg were doing absolutely nothing to help him by constantly needling him! All he wanted to do was deep-fry some squid and make some mayo but after they pointed out every single slight flaw TO HIS FACE, he was one snarky comment away from just lying down in the middle of the kitchen and refusing to move for the rest of the series, like a speed bump to stop Danny Jones from getting too frantic again

and his food wasn’t *that* bad, his starter of Salt and Pepper Squid with a Green Peppercorn Mayo wasn’t badly received

the squid could have done with a few more seconds in the fryer and for Salt and Pepper Squid it was a little light on the salt, but he was a bit busy crumpling up paper to try and alleviate at least a little bit of the stress he was feeling to remembering seasonings

personally I would have got the butcher’s knife out and cut up the cannon of lamb he was using for his main course while making unbreaking eye contact with John and Gregg.

Speaking of the Cannon of Lamb, it wasn’t going too swimmingly for it as parts of it were a little overcooked which he was doing his best to compensate for by liberally dressed the plate with romesco sauce and pesto

OH MY GOD, GREGG! You spend a few hours around a drag queen and suddenly the library is open! Leave my poor boy alone!

Luckily for Ryan the plates he served up to the guest judges were perfectly cooked pieces of lamb and they raved about it! But they were slightly less enthused about the texture of romesco sauce which was just a little too grainy. And while they critiqued his dish, Ryan sat in the Shame Chimney discovering emotions for the first time

and sadly for him the MasterChef Therapy Couch was otherwise occupied by Kitty who was imaginably having to deal with the mental image of Gregg Wallace in full drag

it’s a slowly creeping inevitability that we are utterly powerless to stop no matter how hard we try


Kitty’s menu was starting with Broccoli and Stilton Soup. Just Broccoli and Stilton Soup, no bread, no croutons just Broccoli and Stilton Soup and the excitement of seeing a drag queen entering the room carrying your soup, which did delight Kadeena no end

the way she screamed “KITTY!” when she walked through the door was very cute.

The soup did go down very will with everyone, there were concerns over whether it would be too strong with the stilton but she seemed to have balanced it well, and remarkably John praised her seasoning despite the fact he had a panic attack over her use of the peppermill

but John was already in a state of worry as Kitty was attempting the seemingly impossible task of making a Beef Bourguignon in only an hour and yet make a beef bourguignon in only an hour she did

it got rave reviews from everyone with the only marginal criticism being that Greg Rutherford managed to find a few lumps in her mashed potato but he daren’t make too much of a fuss as 7 foot tall Bridget Bardot kicked down doors like she was about to rob the place

While Kitty had gone for 1 pot meals and Ryan had prioritised dishes that mostly only required him to cook 1 thing at any given time, Lisa was definitely going the most ~cheffy~ with her Halibut main course, the most time consuming part of it probably being the fact she had to shell enough broad beans for 4 portions which is like thrusting a medieval punishment for stealing thy neighbour’s grain upon yourself for no good reason

she did get into a bit of a flap during the plating but having just witnessed Ryan Thomas doing aggressive origami with some baking paper, she looked practically serene. The dish was an absolute triumph with the fish being perfectly cooked despite the fact they were house brick sized fillets.

For her dessert Lisa was making a Chocolate Mousse which she was serving in some divinely vampiric looking goblets

although with the way the raspberries and the honeycomb were laid out it did look a bit like a rooster was slowly sinking to its unfortunate death, here’s an ~artist’s~ rendering

I really don’t think I slept enough last night.

My only qualm with the dessert was that I wish she had gone for the full spooky effect and made more of the visceral looking raspberry sauce she had made

but despite the fact she didn’t dress it like she was making a dessert for Dracula’s birthday dinner, they all once again loved it and lavish praise upon the texture and balancing of the dark chocolate.

A Two Course Menu Dish Ranking

  1. Lisa’s Halibut of a Good Time
  2. The Best Broccoli and Stilton Soup in Christendom
  3. Lisa’s Sunken Cock Fallacy (I did NOT sleep enough)
  4. Kitty’s 2x Speed Bourguignon
  5. The Bits of Ryan’s Lamb That Were Well Cooked
  6. Ryan’s Well Needled Squid

I wasn’t entirely surprised with the result given that Lisa and Kitty had both made unanimously well received dishes while Ryan was basically looking down the barrel of the camera begging for someone to please eliminate him, luckily they were merciful and decided to put him out of his misery

may he have all the fun he wants making jelly at his own speed.

And so we have all of your semi-finalists!

And if you’ve enjoyed this recap of Celebrity MasterChef 2022’s last quarterfinal and would like to support the blog, you can leave a small donation via my Ko-fi HERE.

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