Strictly 2021 – Halloween Week, Main Show: A Lobster Working in a Cocktail Bar

Move over Graziano’s Monogrammed Fedora, it’s all about Nadiya’s Bedazzled Lobster Headdress now.

It’s spooky season, which can only mean one thing: Vicky Gill is frazzled and would like some sick leave please.

Help. I have watched this Pro dance TEN times and I still don’t quite know what it was, why it was or how it was. It’s like the same algorithm that created Nikita Kuzmin tried to create a Halloween Routine, the result sadly not being as successful but being equally ridiculous – love you Nikita <3. Nonetheless, I shall try my best to work out what was happening.

Our tale of insanity starts with Craig apparently holding a casting call for a role on Strictly with the benched pros alL apparently applying, which seems rude. Also rude is the fact amongst them is Dianne dressed as Helena Bonham-Carter’s balloon-headed Queen of Hearts and yet somehow has smaller hair than usual

imaginably because it was currently trussed up on Nadiya “The Lobster” Bychkova

I know these pro dances were filmed in advance, just go with the joke.
Currently interviewing is Luba who is having to act through one Hell of a chin piece and is in no uncertain terms looking directly down the camera begging for a partner next year

it’s a little humiliating guys…
And in order to prove that a villain can be part of Strictly, a plethora of EXTREMELY (and I cannot stress that enough) disparate villains will now give a rowsing dance showcase to Neil Jones dressed as a wimpering Pinocchio because that’s the cheapest Disney license, Amy Dowden dressed as Dorothy Gale which is a step in the right direction to getting Tom to do that Charleston to If I Only Had a Brain and Oti Mabuse as Generic Homework Witch from Hatsune Miku’s award winning Wizard Boarding School series

to be fair to Neil, I would be wimpering too if I knew I was going to receive a private dance from glittery contempowafting Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter, The Wicked Witch and Bad Guy Snake-Face from Hatsune Miku’s award winning Wizard Boarding School series

and that in a matter of seconds, Pinocchio was going to have to mime the scene in which he gets eaten by a whale with Bad Guy Snake-Face

BUT BEFORE THAT, Johannes as Hot Jafar That Fucks from Aladdin (2019) unveils his gospel choir

oh and in front of this gospel choir, Dracula and Maleficent are going full reverse cowgirl

Someone please stop feeding the algorithm Zoe Ball’s fanfiction, for the love of GOD!
And because it’s Cameron, it of course involves a forward roll

The boy has a brand.
And if you can bring yourselves to look away from the sexual exploits of Dracula, you might notice THIS happening in the background

Yes, that is indeed Nadiya Bychkova dressed as either:
A. Sexy God
B. Gender-fuck Gandalf
C. Androgynous Father Time
D. Saru-woman

and if It Takes Two has taught us anything, it’s that Nadiya will not wear more than a negligee for less than £10,000, causing the It Takes Two camera operators a great deal of stress about quite how much of her they show at 18:30 on a weekday

and someone was clearly not paying up because Sexy God does indeed strip

Honestly, it’s worth the license fee and however much they owe Dan Walker in psychological damages.
BUT HEY! I finally got my Pirate Graziano complete with hook hand, I made this happen. LET ME HAVE THIS.

Elsewhere on the dancefloor, The Queen of Hearts is partnered with Pennywise, who is both an amalgamation of Modern Kind of Hot Pennywise Shut Up I Have Bad Taste In Men and Tim Curry’s Pennywise

I can kind of see why they’d be partnered together as both could feesibly be played by Helena Bonham-Carter. Johannes-Jafar and Katya as Nurse Ratched is a little less cohesive – I imagine it’s because they suddenly realised that having Katya dressed as Princess Jasmine might create Discourse™

and it’s not even Sarah Paulson’s glam Nurse Ratched, it’s just a nurse costume and Ratched is the only villainous nurse! Unless she’s, you know… famed serial killer Jane Toppan.
And because they could only afford one Star Wars character and because dancing in that helmet is probably a safety hazard, Glitzy Darth Vader has to sit on the side playing a lyre

but it’s silver so we know it’s a space lyre.

And then it all ends with Hannibal Lecter doing some demi-Gangnam Style dancing

which distracted everyone for enough time so that Dorothy, Pinocchio and Generic Homework Witch could grab a length of rope and tie everyone up?

it’s very “Oh God, I only have 1 page left to end this story… AND THEN THERE WAS AN EXPLOSION AND EVERYONE DIED.”. And nothing quite summed up the absolute chaos of this routine better than Darth Vader doing pirouettes while Count Dracula flaps around behind him while standing stock still

Also God is mincing around in a sparkly mini dress with Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker. I DIDN’T EVEN GET TO MENTION THE JOKER. Or the fact Chucky was there but clearly banished to the back of the dance because no child wants to see that at 7pm guys WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
And that’s the Pro Dance, feel free to take this to your nearest therapist and have them work through it with you, I know I will be.

Sadly Tess and Claudia weren’t prescribed Villainsonas – Tess would’ve been a great Andy’s Boyfriend from The Devil Wears Prada and Claudia could’ve been Michael Bay. Just Michael Bay.
They also think they’re too good to dress up as two halves of an undead pantomime horse for Halloween and instead opted for the sort of funereal wear you might see at a wake in New York’s Upper East Side

Hey, Grieving Blair Waldorf isn’t *not* a Halloween costume.

The judges had at least embraced the spirit fully with Shirley opting for Natalie Portman’s Rapidly Depleting Sense of Self

and while Shirley may have got to wear the crown, Motsi wasn’t going to take The War of the Headdresses lightly

the fact those horns stayed on perfectly the entire night without even a wobble amazes me, also impressive neck stability and the glitter lip was the cherry on top of it all.
And thankfully Craig and Anton both dressed up, and not as James Bond! Anton was The Riddler

and Craig was the greatest villain of all: Johnny Depp

*bracing myself for The Depp Army to come knocking*

And now it’s time to get the show on the road with a pair of frolicking werewolves!

BBC Approved Furries
Quickstep / Bad Moon Rising – Creedence Clearwater Revival

For their Halloween Treat, Johannes and John got to make a trip to the Strictly Pumpkin Patch, which was the only even vague acknowledgement of Halloween during last year’s Would-be-Halloween Week

it also just so happened to be Chapter 17 of Zoe Ball’s Giovanni x Ranvir fanfic: Pumpkindred Spirits.
John however was using the patch for much more wholesome reasons and struck a bargain for Johannes to teach him the quickstep in return for some pumpkin scones, which honestly sounds more like a threat than a bargain, but that’s a retired pirate for you.
As for their Halloween personas (in this case fursonas) John and Johannes were dressed as a pair of werewolves complete with werepompadours

Vicky, you couldn’t have just gone the full furry hog and made them a pair of absolutely jacked muscular wolves complete with anime boy bangs? We know you have that muscle suit hanging around

my disappointment in Vicky Gill not embracing niche internet subcultures aside, I quite liked this routine for the most part – it was fun and silly and John danced it incredibly well – it was quite noticeable towards the end that he was having to concentrate on his feet quite a bit and Johannes was quite clearly out-vamping him

but it didn’t affect his synchronization or technique that much, it just meant his character slightly slipped and how dare he take me out of the cabaret werewolves storyline.
Shirley was particularly pleased with John, praising his footwork and how light on his feet he was, with many of the judges echoing her sentiments. Although Craig was there to put a Liquorice Allsort amongst the Funsize Mars Bars and told Johannes his choreography was repetitive and Johannes for one brief moment was completely at one with his newly found fursona, meanwhile John stood next to him looking like a dog that got into someone’s pot brownies

Sleep with one eye open Craig. And maybe watch the jugular.
To be fair to Craig, he wasn’t wrong – there was a lot of Claws and demi-Monster Mashing going on for a lot of it, but what else are you going to do in a werewolf themed quickstep that airs at 19:30 on a Saturday?

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 8
Motsi: 8
Shirley: 9
Anton: 8
TOTAL: 33

Medusa and Sadly Not Kai In Sam Worthington’s Gladiatorial Mini-skirt
Viennese Waltz / Dangerous Woman – Ariana Grande

Perhaps in an attempt to get The Daily Express to stop writing three articles a minute about how AJ and Kai might-and-definitely-probably-are-doing-the-nasty, AJ was treated to a visit from her nieces and nephews

big fan of Non-copyright Infringing Undead Quinn Fabray.
And in one fell swoop AJ takes the Family Wars lead with 12 points – there’s a lot of bonus points to get on Halloween Week. Should’ve let you dog come in with tiny bat wings Daniel.
The Express Dampening did however not go to plan

Nothing but respect for that child, let them replace Louise Minchin on BBC Breakfast they’re great at asking the questions everyone wants answers to. And while they’re at it maybe they can grill Vicky Gill over AJ’s Medusa costume

myself and that mustard yellow croptop are not friends and we never will be YOU CAN’T CALL IT GOLD VICKY, I WONT FALL FOR THAT. Granted it looks a lot better now that it has the entire London Zoo Gift Shop’s rubber snake supply hot-glued to it

The anguished scream I let out when Vicky Gill revealed this novelty pencil case of a top from beneath her glittery choir robe could be heard across the continent. I was promised it would be dyed black Vicky, WHAT HAPPENED? Instead she just draped her arms in vaguely serpentine scraps of fabric, the effect being less Medusa and more Ghoulish Rainbow Fish

I did however love the hair and makeup, it had fantastic movement with the Viennese Waltz’s rotations.
And before you think my only complaints are about AJ, oh boy no… I cannot believe that we have somehow managed to have both a gladiator themed routine and one showcasing ancient Greek mythology and NEITHER had the male dance partner wearing Sam Worthington’s thigh-skimming gladiatorial miniskirt from Clash of the Titans

this does sound like I’m asking to see Dan(iel) Walker wearing a miniskirt, I assure you that this is just about Kai’s thighs.

Costume gripes aside (the skirt was good Vicky, I’ll give you that) – this dance was AMAZING. I have a certain soft spot for a Spooky Viennese Waltz, I think they always manage to hit that perfect Halloween tone – Halloween is after all 40% nausea and 60% tulle. This routine was absolutely no exception to that rule – she really is just the most astonishingly elegant ballroom dancer and I think it’s a nice surprise because coming in I think everyone had kind of thought that with her effervescent personality, she’d be hard to beat as a Queen of Latin – the samba put a dampener on that monarchy.
Craig, almost as a subtle little swipe at Johannes, heavily praised the dynamism of the dance by which he meant to thank Kai for sweeping the dancefloor ahead of the Lobster Jive

that sweep is both incredibly impressive and looked like it might have hurt a fair bit. And at the end I think every Roomba from Greek Mythology deserves to feel a little proud of itself

Good job Roombakis, Sarpedon never looked so spiffy.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 9
Motsi: 10
Shirley: 9
Anton: 9
TOTAL: 37

A Non-denominational Eldritch Nightmare
Jive / Rock Lobster – The B-52s

There has been a lot of talk about whether or not a Lobster can consitute a Halloween costume (it absolutely does you buzzkills) but also, you should mostly be glad that Aljaz didn’t pull this during Movie Week and perform a Foxtrot to Where The Wild Roses Grow for Yorgos Lanthimosis’s “The Lobster”. I have high hopes for next year Mr. Skorjanec.

Dan was of course pulling a Taylor Swift and very much removing himself from the Halloween narrative at large, getting a minor part in the opening spiel and imaginably removing himself from the studio entirely as Demonic Tom and Amy took the dancefloor. Amy apparently didn’t take too kindly to being dowsed in Holy Water.
Given the show’s previous crustacean attempts, which landed more in the realms of Lovecraftian Baked Beans

I really quite liked Dan and Nadiya’s outfits that looked like they were waiters in a very niche American seafood diner

where the table service is of course abominable because you try carrying a tray of drinks with pincers. And with Dianne having set a high precent for dedication to a costume, having sat through an entire show looking like she was having some sort of allergic reaction

Nadiya was going to be DAMNED if she took her pincers off

but what I think I love most about these costumes is the fact that at some point during his hair and makeup journey, Dan must have looked a little bit like Annie Lennox

it’s been a hot minute since someone did that Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) tango is all I’m saying.

Of course to prepare for a Lobster Jive, there were two options for a VT location: Billingsgate Fish Market or The London Aquarium – the decision being made entirely by which of the two offered this novelty hat

As we have established, Nadiya will not appear on TV in anything more than a negligee for less than £10,000 so I can only assume that their entire 9 minute segment of the show came with a hefty £50,000 price tag and it was worth every damn penny. Nadiya has honestly been a revelation this series, I always thought she was somewhat resistant to the ridiculousness of Strictly but you know, now she’s here gleefully rolling across the floor dressed as a lobster working in a cocktail bar

and of course, the lobster themed jive was mostly brought into existence to revive the ol’ Dan Walker Crabwalking Special

which was just about the one dance move that Dan could do adequately, everything else felt just a touch laboured and like he didn’t really knows what he was doing

Hey, at 6ft6, your legs basically have a mind of their own.
And as not good as the dance was, I think it hit that perfect sweet spot of being a complete and utter delight of a routine – I never felt uncomfortable watching it – except maybe for this bit which was accompanied by the band singing “Watch out for that piranha!”

what I’m saying, is that I am willing to die on that hill with Motsi over the fact that this dance was worth an 8 for the ridiculousness of it all alone.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 5
Motsi: 8
Shirley: 7
Anton: 7
TOTAL: 27

Two Edwardians Having a Very Bad Time
Paso Doble / The Eve of the War – Jeff Wayne

So now that we’ve set down the starting blocks of embracing yiff, had Medusa sweep the floor and watched two lobsters perform some dinner theatre it was time to bring a touch of culture and sophistication to the show with that classic bit of Halloween-esque literature: Dracula Frankenstein Fanny Craddock’s recipe for liver paté War of the Worlds! Sadly because Rhys had already blown his Hollywood budget on Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse, he wasn’t going to be dressed up as Tom Cruise with Nancy as Baby Dakota Fanning – which would have only been half as weird as that time Karim did a Stranger Things themed Paso Doble in 2019’s Halloween Week

instead they were cribbing from the BBC’s War of the Worlds which is why they were dressed as Apocalypse surviving Demelza Poldark and Nice Boy Who Probably Worked In The Butchers For a Tuppence WhenThen The World Ended

quite frankly furious that Nancy wasn’t dressed up as one of the tripod spaceships, which had instead been CGI’d in

rather conservatively given some of the other VR shenanigans some people had to contend with… Sorry Judi, I do feel partially responsible.
And I think the roles didn’t really help with this routine because usually the paso is quite obviously Matador vs Bull and easily read as Hero vs Villain, in this routine it was much more of a Tango set-up which made the whole thing feel a little confused, and then you throw Rhys’s almost comedically stiff posture into the mix and it very nearly reaches the lofty heights of absurd

There was something very mantis-like about all of his movements, I did half expect him to tear off his own skin, revealing the insect within and devour Nancy then and there.
And if I ragged on Tilly for her Paso Face for looking so passive it could have been in an advert for Dove deodorant, Rhys was on the other end of the spectrum hitting anguished and constipated while fighting his way through a swamp of treacle

which you know, is at least probably closer to how a matador feels when he’s facing down a 1500 pound bull.
It gets a rather mixed response from the judges – Shirley who is in full Come To Mamma mode only wants to give Rhys a hug after last week, which is a very sinister offer when you’re dressed as Natalie Portman’s Slowly Slipping Mental Health

major Mother Knows Best energy right there.
She and Motsi both loved the attack and stiffness of the routine, or I think that’s what Motsi was saying – her microphone was possessed by the spirits of Halloween and thoroughly outdoing nearly everyone on the spooky stakes. Craig however is on my side and thought it was all a little bit too much – it’s hard when you’re a Cbeebies Acolyte and have All or Nothing drilled into every cell of your body.
Clearly Rhys and Nancy weren’t particularly happy with the 7 that Craig gave them because despite getting two 9s and a very respectable 33, this was their faces for their Allotted Mugging To Camera For Votes Time

ALL OR NOTHING RHYS! ALL OR NOTHING.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 7
Motsi: 9
Shirley: 9
Anton: 8
TOTAL: 33

Game of Thrones: An Alternative Ending
Couple’s Choice / Queen of the Night – Whitney Houston

I am on the record as wanting Couple’s Choice expunged from the Strictly Curriculum, however I have suddenly changed my mind for no apparent reason

No reason

none at all.

Can’t think why.

After years of tiptoeing on the edge of BDSM, with Anita Rani’s Sex Dungeon being a prime example

that’s how I enter every room.
We at last get someone just going full kink, I imagine there’s a lot of discourse somewhere on Twitter, I for one shall not seek it out. So you know, ball’s in your court Giovanni and Gorka.

My absolute favourite part of Aljaz being clad in nothing but mesh and leather is the fact the VT beforehand, in true Couple’s Choice fashion, offered up the gentle tinkling of the Sympathy Piano as Sara gave a long spiel about how much she had to sacrifice to build her business and how much her husband and her employees helped her and made the whole thing worth it

Then that fades out to reveal bewinged sex demon Aljaz gazing upon a chained Sara Davies who in no uncertain terms is just in Daenerys Targaryen cosplay

with the dance ultimately ending with Sara realising that she was the bewinged sex demon all along

I’m honestly mostly hung up on the fact nobody mentioned the Game of Thrones cosplay, everyone just ignored the fact that Aljaz had once again stealthed in a pop culture reference. I also cannot believe that HBO didn’t realise the only way to end Game of Thrones correctly would have been have Kit Harington perform the entire last act in nothing but mesh and leather – hindsight is a beautiful, sexy thing.

This was Aljaz’s first Couple’s Choice and you can kind of tell because it’s… a touch confused and a bit of everything and yet somehow nothing at all. The choreography was essentially a lot of pulling in closer, then pushing away and stomping a little bit, which makes me wonder if they have a Paso next week and Aljaz just wanted to get some practice in beforehand.
The comments from the judges are not great and the quality of the routine can only be summarised by the fact it was a couple’s choice routine that only managed to get but a single emotionally prescribed 7 from Motsi who admired the way Sara “dropped to the floor without fear” which honestly sounded more like a read than a compliment, you could have worded that a little less like she was a sack of potatoes Motsi.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 4
Motsi: 7
Shirley: 6
Anton: 6
TOTAL: 23

A Jack Frost x Elsa McFrozen Fanfic Made Sentient
Tango / Shivers – Ed Sheeran

Fresh off the back of her first 10 and going in to Halloween Week where Giovanni reigns supreme with such banger routines as Michelle Visage playing Michelle Visage

Cabaret Skeletons

Prom Dates Who Peaked In Highschool

The Marriage Ceremony of the Black Hood

and of course That Time Ghostbusters Was a Tango

so of course with it looking like Rose and Giovanni were about to take the dancefloor by storm (sadly not dressed as humanoid reptiles – we’ll talk later Vicky, I know someone out there is reading these BECAUSE YOU KEEP STEALING MY PATTER FOR IT TAKES TWO) so of course they brought out The Big Guns, and by The Big Guns, I do mean Danny Dyer

who was of course treated to a private viewing of this treat of a tango, which he did insist in watching while wearing his ghostly cloak at all times

I’m choosing to believe he was so taken with how fetching it is that production were too scared to ask for it back.

Out on the dancefloor Rose was playing the role of Non-copyright Infringing Ice Queen and somehow had a better Elsa wig than Maisie Williams who was Fully Licensed Elsa for last year’s Movie Week

and Rose was wielding that braid like a mace

Mostly shocked that Giovanni didn’t end up with a black eye at any point given the way it was being whipped around.

Now, I had some reservations about this routine going in, not because I didn’t think Rose could pull off a tango character which she did with aplomb, my favourite part of the dance might have been the end where she dropped out of character

but my real concern was the fact they were dancing to Shivers by Ed Sheeran, a song that uses the word “strawberries” which is a word that NOBODY can sing without sounding absurd – as was proved. It’s like Adele and the word “crumble”. My Fragarian concerns aside, Rose nailed this routine – she was sharp, dynamic, deliciously campy – just a perfect storm of Tango goodness that had Tess doing The Wallace Hands by the end of it

it’s the one time during the whole night that Tess’s enthusiasm for a dance wasn’t entirely eviscerated by the judges.
The judges, rightfully, heap praise on the dance and Shirley has a brief but all too powerful romantic connection with a bedazzled skull

if you told me that Shirley Ballas preserved the skulls of her husband and bedazzled them with rhinestones, I would believe you unquestionably.
The dance of course garnered them the first 40 of the series, and the earliest 40 in the show’s (British) History (the show said it, but we all know how they are with their stats…) – a moment that I think deserves to be relived in its entirety

the two of them going absolute buck wild is all I need to get me through this winter.

I would also like to thank this routine for answering the age old question “What happens when you fart in the cold?”

You thought this blog was above fart humour? THINK AGAIN BABY.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig: 10
Motsi: 10
Shirley: 10
Anton: 10
TOTAL: 40

Movie Loving Corpses
Cha Cha Cha / Spooky Movies – Gary S. Paxton

This year it was Tilly who got to live the greatest horror experience of them all: a woman trapped watching classic movies with a boy that provides a running commentary

so more power to her for just constantly cracking jokes throughout about how it’s going to benefit her that Elsa Lanchester’s performance as The Bride of Frankenstein was so stiff – Nikita Kuzmin, Honourary Film Studies Graduate SEETHES at her lack of appreciation.
Tilly was of course back in Latin this week (feel free to start Paso Doble Discourse in the comments) and it was her real first Party Latin number with a Cha Cha Cha, which lest we forget is Nikita’s favourite dance so he was all singing and dancing this week

release this as a Halloween single IMMEDIATELY. Hell, send it to Eurovision, I don’t care what Dua Lipa’s People have planned, I want Corpse Rock Nikita Kuzmin repping us.

The two of them were of course Frankenstein’s Monster (there I did it literature nerds) and The Monster’s Bride (there I did it cinema nerds) which did mean they were victims of the green face-paint this year

they at least got a slightly nicer shade of green than Sara and Aljaz were afforded for Shrek and Fiona. But much like Sara in her Shrek 2: Shrek Harder Samba, the heavy character makeup and costume really helped her get into the right frame of mind for this dance because this was SUCH an improvement on her rather panicked and tentative Jive. And I think them being Frankenstein’s Monster and The Monster’s Bride did also afford them some leeway in the fact some of it was a little slow and laboured, especially at the beginning but when she was on it she was on it

there’s always at least one segment of their dances that I really like and I’m torn between that bit and the part when Tilly got to do her best vamping strut

it’s not quite Nikita hamming his way through a paso doble like every movement was an exclamation mark

but I still enjoyed it and given the fact the two of them spent their entire time on It Takes Two basically preparing us for a disaster, it was really a rather enjoyable bit of Halloween camp and with Craig praising the character-work and Nikita’s choreography I expect we’ll have him on the Pro Dancer List again next year. So Cameron had better start hamming harder because his only chance now is a rebenching of Graziano.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 8
Motsi: 9
Shirley: 9
Anton: 9
TOTAL: 35

Beethoven and The Possessed Sentience of Beethoven’s Piano
Viennese Waltz / Moonlight Sonata – Ludwig van Beethoven

With Nadiya having been relegated to Low Concept Crustaceans for Halloween Week, Katya was given the privilege of piecing together whatever prompts were left in The Fishbowl of Spooky Ideas – left only with Moonlight Sonata, A Gateway to Hell and these bespoke Halloween eyebrow decals

so naturally the idea that came to fruition was Ludwig van Beethoven accidentally opens the gates of Hell, which just so happens to *inside* his piano, and The Queen of the Dark (you know the one) emerges forth from this newly opened Hellmouth in a pair of tulle pantaloons and… seduces him? It’s not quite 1 gladiator fighting another gladiator or a park without a bench but not everyone can be the Renaissance Master that is Nadiya Bychkova.

To get into the mood for Katya’s fever dream of a vision, she took Adam to a supposedly haunted house where a production runner had to walk around in a hoodie

and Katya pretended to play the piano for Adam

the BBC insurance didn’t cover accidental piano damage apparently.

As for the dance, it was operating on some High Eurovision Energy with the opening animation giving me major Heroes vibes

and then of course Katya had to emerge from the piano’s interior netherworld looking like Granny Addams

and sadly for Adam the dance never really progressed beyond the spooky gimmickery of it all, and I imagine it was hard for him because he was having to whirl around that dance floor constantly on the brink of a Karen Hauer style dewigging

maybe we just ban powdered wigs from Strictly?
The judges were however quite kind on the routine with not a single one of them mentioning the bit where Adam very nearly fell over because for some reason he was performing a Viennese Waltz like he was running the last leg of a marathon

which must have knocked him back a bit because the rest of the dance was, like Craig said, incredibly laboured and lacked a sense of flow. I also think having the last impression of your dance being what looked like two ravenous partygoers fighting over the last cocktail sausage at the buffet was maybe a mistake

well, that or Katya having to remerge from the piano as elegantly as she could

which is to say: not at all.
At least it meant that nobody could remember the fact that Adam was somehow lipsyncing to Moonlight Sonata for the entirety of the dance – Riyadh Khalaf was right all along.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 6
Motsi: 8
Shirley: 8
Anton: 7
TOTAL: 29

Refried Jazzercize Instructors
Cha Cha Cha / Physical – Olivia Newton-John

With no time to rehearse a new dance this week, what with their return to the competition only being confirmed on Thursday, they were allowed to do the Cha Cha Cha they would have performed last week – which of course the internet cannot decide gave them an advantage or not – SPOILER ALERT, it did not. However, this did mean we got to see Graziano in his 80s workout gear

can you imagine if this was lost to the BBC Archive? It would have been a bigger shame than the lost Doctor Who episodes.
The biggest struggle of the whole routine was turning an Olivia Newton-John Cha Cha into a Halloween routine – and I joked last week about them just sticking legwarmers on zombies…

I should really have learned to not wish upon that damned Monkey’s Paw. Also, whoever made that weightlifting zombie that for reasons unknown has a propeller cap AND devil horns on can go to jail for as long as it takes them to pen a 5000 word essay on why they did it.

I wanted to love this routine but it never quite managed to get going for me, and a lot of that is the bad theming, it just confused the whole dance but you can certainly see improvement in her technique but with a couple of bottom 2 placements, having skipped a week and then getting a dud of a routine, it was a little obvious how this week was going to pan out.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 4
Motsi: 7
Shirley: 7
Anton: 7
TOTAL: 25

They’re Just Sexy Biker Beetroots Dan, Don’t Worry!
Tango / Highway to Hell – AC/DC

It is amazing to me quite how often Amy ends up in a pre-dance VT that involves her riding in some sort of novelty car

at this point you might as well just make her the host of Top Gear – I might actually not regret having to catch the last dying minutes of it before whatever prestige drama the BBC airs on Sunday nights during April.
Tom getting to drive his fantasy Hot Wheels car is of course all because this week they’re dancing a tango that was designed by his children, who aren’t like other children because they listen to AC/DC. We are still very much pretending like Highway to Hell isn’t just about the pinnacle of child-friendly rock and roll – it’s ok Dads Everywhere, it doesn’t make AC/DC not cool.
Much like Judi’s Cha Cha Cha, I think the theming of this dance got in the way – there was A LOT going on between Tom and Amy looking like they were extras from cult classic kids movie Little Monsters

and then the lighting, the flames and the floor projections all working together to swallow every part of the routine like a blazing inferno

to me, it just didn’t read very well on television and I’m not sure it was much better in the studio given the middling 7s that it scored – except for Motsi’s 8 because she saw a lot of heart in Tom’s Horny Road Devil. Or she took pity on him because his microphone pack fell off towards the end of the routine and followed him around like a worm on a string

at least it only happened towards the end and Amy didn’t have to pull a full Karen Hardy and demand a restart – I want to see how Tess would handle that, just baby-voicing to the extreme, begging for more time and Giovanna Fletcher suddenly descending from the heavens to turn back time.
As for his technique, Shirley tells him he needs to slow down when coming back in to hold instead of going full tilt and slamming into Amy like he’s trying to break her sternum and Craig notes that he has what ahs no been dubbed “the Adam Peaty thing going on” by which he meant Tom’s bum was sticking out, but with Tom having the bodyfat of a broom, it’s somewhat harder to notice.

Judges’ Scores:
Craig
: 7
Motsi: 8
Shirley: 7
Anton: 7
TOTAL: 29

And that’s it for Spooky Week! And it’s an interesting looking leader board, especially with that mid-table tie between Adam and Tom’s jutting arses:

  1. Elsa McFrozen Kills a Norseman via The Tango
  2. AJ Odudu Makes Kai Widdrington Rock Hard
  3. Tilly’s Classic Movie Marathon Nightmare
  4. Frolicking Werewolves
  5. Rhys’s Scared Stiff Paso Doble
  6. Unsexy Beethoven vs His Piano’s Soul?
    • A Horny Road-devil Passion Project
  7. Dan Walker’s Inevitable Carcinization
  8. Physical Cha Cha 2: Zombie Boogaloo
  9. An Alternative and More Satisfying Game of Thrones Finale

but which of our 10 remaining couples will be offed on the Results Show?

And if you’ve enjoyed this recap of the Strictly’s Halloween Week and would like to support the blog, you can leave a small donation via my Ko-fi HERE.

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