I see Dan has hit the part of the school disco where the sugar high really kicks in.

Despite the fact we’ve had a couple drop out of the competition we continue on with the results show as normal by booting the novelty dance, who could have seen it coming?

This week’s opening pro dance is a difficult one to fit into the recap mostly because all the flashing lights completely break the Iplayer’s ability to stream anything in coherent detail. But also I feel like no piece of technology would be capable of being able to load more than a single Giovanni Pernice. Because yes, Giovanni is leading another routine heavily featuring mirrors, lest we forget Bond’s Great Trans Awakening

When will my reflection show, who I am inside?
I still think about the fact the Bond routine basically spoilt the new Bond movie for people because it had to keep pushing its release date further and further back and nobody at Strictly stopped to think if maybe they should just vault this routine for a year in solidarity.

But back to our March of Androgynous Sexual Fury,

Hats all imaginably supplied by Graziano himself. Monogramming comes extra and Vicky just doesn’t have the cash for it.
On It Takes Two we were promised a mirror maze of a routine and what we got was mostly Darren Aronofsky’s Blue Brothers and all the unhinged sexuality that that entails

I imagine the only thing preventing Giovanni and Jowitza’s extended grinding session from receiving The Ofcom Treatment was the fact it’s a little hard for anyone without 20/20 vision to see what’s happening. What I really can’t believe though is that Karen was relegated to Vamping Matrix Agent No. 12 for this routine, it just felt distinctly tailormade for her. Wait, missing out on Lead Androgynous Sexual Fiend? The Sambarena? The unabashed sniping at Craig on It Takes Two? Is Karen the new Anton? Was that what The Curse of the M&S Statement Necklace all along?

Truly a fate worse than death. But I’ll find a way to revere this, there must be something in Oti Mabuse’s Book of Dancerly Occultism.
Speaking of Oti

IT’S FOR SCIENCE, I SWEAR.

In order to off-set the rampant sensuality of the pro-dance, Tess was looking every bit the Gwyneth Paltrow that I get the feeling she wants to be in a shoe-eating jumpsuit and Claudia was apparently so aghast by the routine that she’s enrolled in Catholic school, but not fun Gossip Girl Catholic School, no this was unfun utility Catholic School

Shirley and Motsi were also both in black, Shirley’s being a lot more understated than Motsi’s great big ruffle

and of course Craig and Anton were both in black suits too but somehow even less interesting. They better be saving up for some sort of gauche monstrosity on Halloween Week because I will NOT be happy with just a skeletal hand brooch.

And now we come to our first dip into the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery:

a special shout out to Dan Walker’s birdlike squawk as he and Nadiya were announced as safe, every week he becomes more and more of the Aarakocran Bard I know he was born to be.
And our first couple in the Dance Off and inventing The Potential Elimination Sex Face is…

I for one blame the lack of a park bench.
The advice from Motsi to Judi is for her to push through all of her movements and continue them to the very end, with the rest of her advice falling just short of “Don’t worry, you’re going to be dancing against a sentient box of tissues doing The Macarena, you’re golden.”

As for the safe couples, Katya is putting most of their training focus on their emotional connection, of which trolling The Express is clearly a foundational part of the process

still no news on that shirtless paso.
In fact there’s no news on anybody’s dances for next week but we do learn that Aljaz’s bobble hat was the result of Sara’s friend needlessly inflicting the two of them with knitwear – Aljaz is going to end the series with 7 hats, 4 jumpers, 3 scarves and an ill-advised pair of knitted undies. This is providing Sara is able to do a Latin number while not dressed as an Ogre.
Dan continues his family related banter with anecdotes about how his mother veyr much appreciates the parking situation at Strictly – illuminating discussion guys. And Tilly has apparently managed to keep her university attendance at 100% with Nikita, in her words, being a big fan of the lectures and textbooks, Nikita is apparently under a different impression

It’s the double blink for me – there’s just not enough ant-related studies within Psychology for him

And that’s Ant Facts With Nikita Kuzmin, coming to Cbeebies next Spring. MOVE OVER ATTENBOROUGH THERE’S A NEW KID IN TOWN. I regret nothing about the fact I have found myself inadvertently welcomed into the fold of Nikita Kuzmin Stan Twitter, anything to cling to youth.

Before we find out who Judi is facing in the dance off (I WONDER WHO IT COULD POSSIBLY BE)

Karen just about rolling her eyes every time Tess announced someone was safe knowing how this was all going to go <3
But before Karen can hit the closest cocktail bar in town while looking like she’s escaped from a small town production of The Little Mermaid, Westlife have to perform their new microwaveable meal of a song, Starlight while all stranded on enforced social distancing podiums

and sadly not a single key change stool in sight! But they were wearing a series of jazzier jackets than Craig has thus far managed, including Westlife No. 4 looking like me trying to untangle a necklace I haven’t worn for several months

there’s also two glittery blazers from Westlives 2 and 3 while Westlife No. 1 is dressed as that scene in Friends where Ross gets trapped in his leather trousers

so much… bunching.
As for the pro dancers, for not being too pissy on It Takes Two, Gorka was given the privilege of being this week’s male professional alongside Luba who spent most of the week just being very agreeable on Luba’s Loreography Lorner

I imagine Karen might not be so lucky considering Greg just outright said that Craig was unappreciative of his talents and sympathetic disco wafting – that’s not how you prevent your dance partner from becoming The Anton.

The Judges Debrief continues to be rather uninteresting, Craig and Shirley aren’t even allowed to exchange more than 2 barbed words to one another over how Tilly was judged. Meanwhile Motsi is but one very good Sara performance away from starting her own skincare pyramid scheme – I’d wager a good £20 that next week someone uses the phrase “girlboss” – we got so close this evening with Aljaz emphasising that Sara runs a company of 250 people, 6 of which are constantly on Origami Boat Duties.

And our final perusal of the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery:

this leaves Judi and Graziano’s opponents to be either AJ and Kai or Greg and Karen with the final members of the Dance Off being…

If you’re wanting to know quite how this happened, Greg has a theory that God had this planned for him all along

Greg Wise, martyr and Patron Saint of Novelty Dance Numbers.
As for the judges’ advice, Shirley tells them to pull back on the personality and focus on the technique. In a dance to The Macarena while dressed as a pair of throw pillows? Are you sure Mrs. Ballas? Is that wise?

From the safe couples we learn that Tom is apparently the third wheel in Amy and Giovanna’s relationship but it’s ok because Tom has Totally Best Mate Harry Style anyway and next week they’ll be dancing a salsa to Watermelon Sugar which I honestly cannot wrap my head around. I can only imagine it’s a vain attempt to lure Harry Styles into the Strictly studios. Maybe start a little smaller? Niall Horan would be there in a heartbeat.
We also learn that AJ is going to be dancing an Argentine Tango to Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks. My biggest question is which abandoned sporting venue they’ll be dancing it at? I have high hopes for the Nansen Ski Jump.
Rhys has apparently been getting lessons in Mandarin, the subtitlers? Not so much

and Giovanni gets to show off the sign language he’s been learning while Rose eulogises spray tan to Claudia

it’s preaching to the choir but God bless Rose.
And then Claudia mostly fawns over John and Johannes and how they’re a match made in Heaven – whether that’s religious afterlife or gay nightclub is unclear.

And then it’s time for the dance off and I think Judi did have an advantage going into this because her routine is easier on the eyes, after all she wasn’t doing THIS

although, a medal of bravery for the first person who does put an extended hip thrusting segment in their waltz.
It was however a little hard to keep watching Judi, not for anything she really did, but because having Karen and Greg lurking at the back of the stage like The Ghosts of Kleenex Past did somewhat kill the emotional Mariah Carey-ness of it all

it’s a good thing they’re not visible from the judges’ perspective.
Craig opts to save Judi just for being the better dancer while Motsi opts for the same because Judi recovered from her mistakes much more successfully than Greg who sort of more or less barrelled into them at increasingly frantic speeds. And for the first time in the series, Anton doesn’t split the vote and he too saved Judi and Graziano – apparently there is no solidarity for The New Anton and her novelty dance hell.
Shirley however did not agree and in a display of spectacular passive aggression states that she “count ALL of the mistakes and would have saved Greg and Karen” – eagerly looking forward to Shirley being amazingly pissy all of next week!

And so we must bid fair well to Greg Wise, the unsung thirst trap of the series

the effects of not having someone to bring in homemade damson jam and spinach falafels shall be felt for WEEKS on end, this is like Simba leaving The Pride Lands – it’s an arancini drought! Now all they have is Tilly Ramsay’s Miscellaneous Out of Focus Vegetable Stew.

And so (I think) 11 couples continue on to Pre-Halloween Week

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