In many ways I prefer Napkin-Phantom to Facepaint-Phantom.

As the curtains fall on our Musicals Week Quarterfinal a new Bottom Two Destroyer emerges like a particularly chaotic phoenix out of the ashes of a broken Strictly dream.

This week the results show is being opened up by a performance from the cast of “& Juliet”

a retelling of Romeo and Juliet in which Juliet is just not interested in the clueless Romeo. Romeo should really firstly have known given the double denim, the gently fluffed mohawk and the Doc Martins

But there’s also the fact his own aesthetic is Floral Biker

I think someone needs to have a sit down with Mercutio and read “Queering The Renaissance” by Jonathan Golberg.

The musical looks fun – it’s nice to hear an Ariana Grande song with actual enunciation on it for once – who knew those were the lyrics all along? I’m slightly confused by the set design:

A Metro Station, the Eiffel Tower, a Georgian Townhouse and a Windmill? In Romeo and Juliet, famously set in Verona, Italy? I’m intrigued.
I’m sure there would have been online grumblings about historical inaccuracies for… a variety of reasons. But the people who would have complained were still too busy trying to cancel The Vicar of Dibley’s Christmas special for saying racism is bad. We live in quite the time.

Apparently the dresscode for this evening was High Stakes Manhattan Funeral a la Gossip Girl: who’s going to inherit the million dollar boutique erotica publishing business?

Will it be Claudia and Tess, our dynamic socialite duo with a turbulent friendship?

A quick aside – Tess looks so damn glam, even as a long time Anti-jumpsuit campaigner I can appreciate that this is GOOD.
Perhaps it’s Shirley Ballas, the family matriarch and new widow on the block:

Might it be Motsi Mabuse, THE MISTRESS

Or will it shock everyone when it’s revealed that it’s actually Craig Revel Horwood, the secret brother who is serving hors d’ oeuvres at the wake?

Whoever it is, I’m sure it’s going to be a dance to the death
xoxo

And now for our first, very few, results!

The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery

And our first casualty of Musicals Week is:

That’s certainly the face I would make if I had to jive again.
Once TessBot has attempted to navigate a sympathetic interview without malfunctioning (I’m not sure how well it went)

They go to Motsi for some advice and she tells him to enjoy the dance, show his skills and BURN THE DANCEFLOOR – I suppose arson is *a method* to reach the finals.

Up in her Covid Safe Carousel Claudia reveals that in a Monkey Paw twist that HRVY and Janette will be debuting the Rumba this year instead of Giovanni and Ranvir who are the only couple we’re invested in seeing Rumba. It is also two dances next week so MAYBE someone else will be doing one.
Speaking of Ranvir, she’s just delighted to still be kicking around because she found the Launch Show a slog – DIDN’T WE ALL? She’s apparently also having to try and persuade her young son to not get both his ears pierced like Giovanni – better both than one single gold hoop like our pirate friend Graziano.

And now for our second musical guest Marisha Wallace singing a rather mumbly version of Climb Ev’ry Moutain while looking like one of the minor Greek Goddesses

The look is a complete serve. The song takes awhile to get going – it’s skewing a little John Lewis at Christmas time. But once she reaches that second verse? Utter magic.
Anton and Dianne are doing a lovely little ContempoWaft/Viennese Waltz hypbrid around her, which is mostly lovely until they reappear in the second part and Anton gets whacked in the face by Dianne’s hair and has to do his best to keep his composure and dance with a watering eye

Bless him.
The true standout moment of the whole thing though is Marisha’s face at the end of the performance knowing she nailed the big note

Just pure and utter joy. And somehow better than the majority of Safety Sex Faces.

Before we find out who is joining Jamie in the bottom 2, we get our chat with the judges and Bruno is just looking more and more like that particularly creepy antiques expert that looks a bit like Rumplestiltskin from Once Upon a Time (Not David Dickinson, but him too) every day

I don’t like it. Not one bit.
I’m also very curious to know where he is filming these bits because he wrapped up Dancing With The Stars last week so imaginably the studio was stripped bare within minutes for a new production, so is he in his mysterious LA Mansion? And is it decorated with purple velvet, diamante embellishments and beglittered wallpaper? Because I don’t doubt for a moment that it isn’t.
Shirley gets to wax lyrical about how well JJ is coordinated (shockingly, this doesn’t ever get equated to him being in The Marines). She’s mostly just impressed that whenever his left leg moves his right arm moves and honestly after this I have never been more self-conscious of how I move my body in my life, and I was once told I ran like a chicken (I really do by the way, it’s quite uncanny).
Motsi gets to complete the DO IT FOR THE MUMS narrative that has entirely consumed Ranvir this week – I suppose the “ARE YOU AND GIO BOINKING?” jokes were getting a little too close to the bone.
And then Craig rounds us off by telling us why Bill has been a Perpetual 8 for 6 weeks running and during this segment they literally replay every single one of Bill’s worst moments in his Argentine Tango, which made it look like they were pointing out that Craig overmarked him this week.

The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery

And with that solitary Sex Face it’s time to reveal who will be joining Jamie:

JJ seems pretty upbeat about the outcome – it must be easy to prepare yourself for it when you’re at the bottom of the leaderboard. He says he’s going to “give it my best crack” and seemingly immediately regrets his of words

Don’t say “crack” on the tele lads.
Shirley says she isn’t worried about JJ being overwhelmed by the dance off because of his military training and she knows “JJ will be focused. He will be 100% on the job” which does sound a little bit like she was hiring him as a hitman. And yes, if Sophie Ellis Bextor taught us one thing it’s that murder is one way to win a dance off.

Meanwhile in Claudia’s Covid Safe Carousel, Maisie is barely holding it together and is just a jangly mess of nerves – bless her, I’d have thought I was going to be in the bottom 2 as well if it was left between a choice of JJ and I. She owns up to the fact her Covid Apartment is an absolute Hellsite and an inhabitable environment for anything that didn’t evolve within its unique and hostile ecosystem. Although by the sounds of things she’s not going to be spending much time in it this week because she has 4 full days of EastEnders filming (which might not sound like a lot but rest assured shoot days for soap operas are HELL ON EARTH) and then on top of that she had to learn 2 routines

Yeah, me too Gorka.
And another dance reveal! Bill is doing the Tango, which I was excited for because his Paso was quite a fun a routine, I enjoyed it. Then he revealed that he is going to be dancing it to Enter Sandman by Metallica. Lord, we pray for the safety of Dave Arch and His Orchestra of Delights in this most troubling time.

First up in the dance off is JJ

and I don’t think this was as strong a performance as his Main Show one – there’s a few moves he misses and there’s moments where he’s quite a bit behind Amy, thankfully they are still bang on the beat for Amy’s Backfiring Gusset, which in this rather milquetoast Charleston was the feature point. It’s not a Charleston to remember so when it’s up against the high octane, maybe slightly nerve-racking insanity of Jamie’s Jive, which had an equal amount of mistakes and maybe wasn’t as easy to watch, it’s easy to see why JJ’s Charleston might not be a vote puller. Had JJ performed second, I could see the result *MAYBE* being different.

The deciding vote goes down to Shirley as JJ gets a vote from Motsi and Jamie gets one from Craig and ultimately it’s Jamie who is saved – who could have foreseen that Jamie Laing, The Biscuit Boned Prince would become a Bottom Two Destroyer?

What an unlikely icon.

It’s a very sweet send off from JJ and Amy – I’ve really enjoyed their relationship on the show, their interviews on It Takes Two have always been good and Amy’s sheer joy and pride in JJ’s progression has been exactly what we’ve needed in this Hell of a Year. Their little speeches to one another at the end and just hearing them hype one another up – honestly I’m prepared to vote for Amy in the next General Election.

Prime Minister Dowden sounds correct.
Amy’s bound to get a real duffer next year after making it quite far 3 years in a row, so good luck with that Amy! Although, I feel like the world is still paying her back after the whole Danny John-Jules debacle… LET HER WIN.

And all that’s left is for JJ and Amy to prom dance us out to Thank You For The Music

Have I ever said how much I hate the credits ticker being played over their last dance? It just seems rude, at least wait for the wide shot?