Ganymede Abducted by the Eagle (Antonio da Correggio, c. 1531–1532. Oil on canvas.)

The Signature of the Beast

A new week of How Badly Can Celebrities From Light Entertainment Mess Up Rice

and Emily “Dynamite Off of Gladiators” Steel was so excited when she slammed that block of rice with the textural stability of premium Italian Marble down on her unassuming dinner plate

babe, we didn’t just see it, the entirety of the Midlands felt that category 7 ricequake! Her Rice Pugil Stick was the inedible accompaniment to some more mercifully cooked steak

and a sauce that ultimately amounts to chemical warfare worthy of violating the Geneva Conventions

thus meaning Emily must face trial in The Hague where I don’t think putting on her right shoe first will save her this time

unless the judge elects for trial by combat with Tom Simons AKA Tommyinnit, to give him his full government name as her opponent

my favourite part of the show was Tom Simmons AKA Tommyinnit walking into the kitchen at the beginning of the show and the vibe of the other contestants being very “Oh, the runner is here to take our lunch orders!”

Emily did, even with a lump of rice more dense than Legend, probably win The Great British Steak Off on account of not having served up mildly spiced boot leather

I don’t quite know what possessed Tom Simons AkA Tommyinnit (TSAKAT for short) to start cooking his steak as soon as Giorgio blew the whistle and then leave it to sit for over an hour but it might have had something to do with the fact the only other things on the plate were potatoes and broccoli that could’ve been turned into a wicker basket

and don’t forget the lashing of sriracha sauce ✨for colour✨

at least Grace kept the first three layers of tongue this time. Giorgio however will be picking pieces of rattan furniture out of his teeth for the next 24 hours

He also picked TSAKAT up on his presentation, which was also Donna Preston’s main critique for her Doner Kebab, but I don’t think Giorgio has ever looked a doner kebab in the eye until this very moment

Grace was worried that Giorgio’s Nouveau Doner Wrap would prove a little girthy

last series begs to differ about the jaw hinging capabilities

Giorgio may have given her lessons in the aesthetics of a flatbread wrap but he did have to admit that if nothing else, he had learned how to make distressingly flat meat from Donna

so I think we can chalk this up to having been a mostly very successful reclamation of childhood trauma

my horrible nickname at school was “Moobs” but looks who’s laughing about my tits now! Sometimes I really do think I transitioned out of spite alone. And that’s what? Valid.

While Donna was childhood trauma processing with a kebab (we’ve all done it) Nitin Ganatra was bringing us a childhood family favourite with his Channa Batatas – a potato and chickpea curry that was trussed up with every topping you can think of (except sriracha sauce, that’s for twigs of broccoli only)

it was a really good plate of food and managed to avoid the pitfall that plagues most curries: their inherent sexlessness

give it a pair of black gloves and you’ll be fine

Nitin is absolutely a ringer for the final but given the last few ringers we’ve had, he’s an absolute gem who we must protect at all costs

Emily, you’re his bodyguard now. But he most certainly isn’t the only ringer in the group because you don’t show up with honey from your own farm in hand if you don’t intend to spill blood to get that MasterChef trophy

Giorgio was not quite seeing the vision of Eric Underwood’s soul food platter consisting of needlessly shoving a lobster into Macaroni Cheese (again, ringer behaviour) and serving it alongside Cornbread and Blanched Green Beans

but Giorgio was quite happy to eat both his words and as much cornbread as he could fit in his mouth at any one given time

A Signature Dish Ranking:
1. Stupid Sexy Channa Batatas
2. Getting A Little Hot Honey Under The Collar
3. The Donna Kebab
4. Emily Steel’s Weaponisable Rice
5. Your Aged Boot Leather Is Ready

A Matter of Taste

I was getting worried that whoever was responsible for whittling fruit and vegetables into tiny cubes was out of a job, but they’re baaaaaack

granted they didn’t hit quite the same peak Cubed Egg

but I was rather charmed by the Monopoly cucumber house

ultimately it came to a showdown between Donna and TSAKAT after Nitin failed to identify a mango, Eric insulted the strawberry growers of Egypt (I imagine this was not filmed with UK strawberry season in effect)

and Emily becomes the first person to ever fail to get beyond the first round in one of these challenges because they gave her a radish

Sudden Death was mostly the Tommyinnit Torture Hour as they lovingly fed Donna things like Fudge and Dark Chocolate while allowing him to be blindsided by a lemon like a none the wiser cat

while Grace absolutely lost her mind like she was front row with a foam finger at the gallows in 1790s Paris – the BBC Gladiators of the time

my favourite part was when he’d managed to get marshmallow all over his face and looked like someone had served him a cube of first grade Peruvian cocaine

Donna ended up winning because Dark Chocolate is significantly easier to guess than the horrifying cube of compacted dates

and remember, she gets A GREAT ADVANTAGE in a challenge that doesn’t even involve an elimination

but hey, at least she feels like Daredevil now

saying this to a room that includes Emily going out in the first round <3

Pasta-class

This week’s Locatelli Masterclass saw the celebrities having to keep up with Giorgio as he made Pappardelle with a Butter Sauce and Pea Puree, and you better believe he’d clock the magnitude of millimetres that separates it from tagliatelle from across the room if you DARED

the increasing sense of resignation in the room the more they had to engage with the godforsaken pasta-making process <3

Emily most certainly was not the only being personally bullied by the pasta machine, Eric Underwood was having the worst time of his life as he watched Giorgio do anything with the expression of a child that’s been left behind at McDonald’s and is currently in the process of planning how they can live the rest of their life in the soft pay area

while everyone else was ending on highs after their foray into freshly made pasta for the first time – an ultimately worthwhile experience

Eric was about to find the nearest Slug and Lettuce and get absolutely hammered on 2 for 1 mojitos with a bunch of women celebrating a second marriage

but given that the only thing that was fuelling him by the end of the challenge was a deep resentment for the entire Italian peninsula not seen since 1943, his dish actually tasted really good and the pasta was well made

obviously, it does very much look like it was plated up with nothing but contempt but I don’t blame him, I can only congratulate him for not crawling under the table and crying. I know I would’ve, the whole thing reminded me of my first time trying to sail and my sailing instructor bellowing from the shore (I was like 8?) “Tack right!” and me just dropping everything, giving her a look I can only describe as withering, screaming “I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, PENNY!” and immediately being rescued despite being like 5 metres from shore at most. I never sailed again and spent the rest of the weekend catching insignificantly small fish from the safety of shore.

Nitin and Donna ended up with the best plates of pasta – Donna on account of making a butter sauce that could plunge Norway into another Butter Crisis

but it wasn’t enough to pull ahead of Nitin who wins for proving the French wrong

I too am hardwired to brown onions

not for any cultural reasons, it’s a Pavlovian response – I spent so much time cooking onions at uni to feel joy that I just can’t help myself. Also, what to you mean you’re not meant to cook everything on the highest temperature setting possible?

We call that the Ariadne Special – if you’re not cooking at 250, you’re not cooking anything at all.

Nitin’s win means he gets the Golden MasterChef Pin and an extra 10 minutes in the next round – which they were openly telling the celebrities about this time. I imagine it was because Eric was threatening to stab himself with the whisk and/or ladle

I am obsessed with this capital-D Diva. I hope he wildly gesticulates and screams all the way to the end.