Please refrain from feeding the props to your dance partner.

This recap is made of 4 Arthurs in a trench coat.

Previously on Strictly – Halloween Boxing Day saw Ellie and Furry Vito disappearing in a puff of smoke and the very definition of knowing your worth

this week begins the themeless stretch to Blackpool – a road paved with blood, sweat and tears! And that’s just Katya’s breakfast order

Katya, girl, you have got to stop saying and doing the horniest things. I mean, you don’t. PLEASE DON’T – by all means continue to end every second routine by stepping on Lewis

I say this was a “themeless week” but there is a super secret theme, which is spotting who has the most ridiculous costume to forcibly have a poppy stuck to it like that standard poodle on Pooch Perfect (the most ill-advised competition series until Game of Wool reheated its nachos) had the unknown soldier stamped onto its butt

LEST. WE. FORGET.
None of this quite lines up to the ridiculousness of Icons Week falling on Remembrance Weekend last year leading to Chris being dressed as Maximum Respect Bootleg KISS and a portent to Jojo Siwa’s future

and this year the show did think it probably better that Lewis didn’t dance his incredibly slutty little cha cha cha with a poppy on

I just love that they seemed to specifically have taken the poppy off for it because he had one on when he came down the stairs

but then had it taken off because Katya has very exacting standards and it would’ve ruined the verisimilitude of a Cuban fruit magnate

nothing on this planet is funnier to me than Katya’s entrance into the scene – Lewis is just a man trying to shift his bananas about and suddenly Katya storms in strumpeting about this man’s… grocery shop? cafe? back alley fruit bar?

I mean this entirely as a compliment and I know it doesn’t sound like one but Katya has the *exact* same energy as Bugs Bunny any time he puts a dress on. And Lewis, like any man with a pulse, is entirely powerless to the ~allure~

I fully get what Craig means about this routine being “try hard” because so much of it very sexy, slick and slutty, slutty, slutty. Then occasionally Lewis will be possessed by the power of musical theatre and start performing like he’s a member of the Oklahoma ensemble desperately trying to get noticed because they’re convinced they should be playing Jud (at least)

this is however Lewis’s first Party Latin number so Katya has plenty of time to hire Vicky and Kai to murder his inner theatre kid, bundle it up in a carpet and throw it in the Thames

she’s gotta stop Lewis doing jazz squares somehow – desperate times call for desperate measures so if you do jazz hands one more time Lewis, Mr. Snuggles is getting a bullet in the head

I truly don’t know what Katya and Lewis frolicking around a completely deserted arcade had to do with ANYTHING but I can only imagine that Amber is watching the two of them driving around in bumper cars like a pair of borrowers hijacking La Voix’s slippers

George getting to meet his second batch of defective clones at the firing wall

and wondering when she’s going to get to do anything more in her training VTs than stare wistfully into the middle distance while writing in her notebook like she’s trapped in a period drama and her husband’s just gone to war

what you writing, Amber? Is it the next great piece of British literary fiction?

to be fair, I’d be writing harsher words in my own blood if it became so palpably obvious that my partnership on this show had been whittled down to NIKITA! _{(and Amber’s here too, I guess.)}

and then to only be further kicked while she’s down, this week Vicky Gill had dressed her like the water logged head in jaws with worms crawling out the eye socket

Amber isn’t the only battling a grudge here, for some reason Karen Carney has been relegated to the Death Slot for almost half the episodes so far. But given that she’s never even touched the bottom 2, maybe we should stop calling second in the running order “The Death Slot”? Ellie was eliminated in the Death Slot last week but… you know, they were also dancing *that* tango. Clearly the tea making habits of the British public have changed and I think The One Show should investigate that in a bemusing insert VT between an interview with Cynthia Erivo talking pretentiously about 2 Wicked 2 Furious and something harrowing about bone cancer

and I shall use this to once again say, I think Alex Jones is the only person who could ever replace TessBot

and much like The One Show – Karen’s Charleston seemed to be made from a series of discordant parts hodge-podged together to make… something that strangely works? The optical illusion staging was really cute and I love the fact they added the balloons just for the flex of it all

The costumes are wacky and if you think Karen looks like she needs at least 1 less idea going on, rest assured there is because Vicky Gill also wanted to use this chintzy floral pattern for some reason

but Carlos wouldn’t let her under any circumstance – it was paramount that Karen look like the sad oompa loompa

and he like someone’s Men At Play download shrunk in the wash

Alexis hasn’t learned that you can say no to Vicky Gill yet and is powerless to being draped in the nautical flags of the SS Haberdashery

She’s either on fire with dangerous cargo? Or a diver down? So while we signal for the medium-sized RNLI to save them, back to the Charleston which is finally a dance that Jenny Thomas is willing to put her face to – and I’ll be honest, I’m a bit disappointed that she just looks like one of your mum’s friends and not in fact Steamboat Willie with a villainous moustache

I may have kind of liked this routine but rest assured Jenny, it’s still on sight for Stefan and Dianne’s nonsense. But I appreciate that we put the Charleston on a 2 week long hiatus after that while you got yourself together and reminded yourself of what the Charleston is truly about, Miss Linda Hop

now we know why they keep reminding us that the Cha Cha Cha originated from Cuba – Karen was telling everyone it stands for CHArlie CHAplin CHAse (scene)

don’t worry, they’ve made sure to enable safe search features when Karen eventually gets the foxtrot so she doesn’t end up with a folder full of Zootopia fanart that’ll put her on a list.
As for the actual dance – it was very fast and Karen coped with that extremely well, Carlos less so who was on the brink of a more literal twink death

there were times it bordered on being overly frenetic and a bit messy but that’s kind of just the Strictly Charleston. The judges did have some issue with the amount of swivel and I’m more inclined to side with Craig and Shirley on the issue than Motsi throwing out the most absurd 10 of the night – not even Karen and Carlos really believed they deserved it

this is bordering on the absurdity of The Donny 10 – it’s not quite as bad because it’s Week 7 and not Week 3 but you’re on thin ice, Mabuse.
Motsi was clearly on the early tipple as she swerved wildly between that 10 and explaining why Lewis makes him feel a bit tingly to Craig

not pictured: everyone on the balcony having to hold La Voix back from sprinting onto the dancefloor to start a 5 minute stand-up session with the same force as Aljaz psychically trying to prevent her from “yes and…”ing onto Shirley saying “downstairs it’s raining” during their critiques

which does make La Voix’s next dance being a Couple’s Choice to “Don’t Rain On My Parade” funnier than it ought to be. As well as really give the game away that the current elimination projection is to get La Voix to Blackpool *at least* with Balvinder serving as the pre-Blackpool sacrificial lamb. They cashed in her One Week of Guaranteed Joy with her Bhangra Couple’s Choice (inexplicably to Ed Sheeran)

so this weekend she’s being hamstrung with a truly dire routine – an American Smooth to “My Guy”. It’s at least not dire in the same sense as Will Mellor’s Manchester Omelette, James Bye’s Zom-beekeeper and Ellie Taylor doing a jive as Detox in the All Stars 2 Acting Challenge

it’s just sort of an insipid foxtrot American Smooth and they hated her last perfectly fine foxtrot themed foxtrot because Julian didn’t understand Movie Week – but she’s at least guaranteed dignity and a nice frock. Which is more than they were going to give her when they tried to trapdoor her during Icons Week

I would genuinely sue this show if I got eliminated in a denim ballgown and a repurposed hen party stetson. AND I KNOW YOU CAN’T AFFORD MANY MORE LAWSUITS, THE BBC. On the plus side, I can now maybe lure Bradley Walsh away from the hosting job with a piece of paper that has “Director General of the BBC” written on it. He’ll just have to get it before La Voix does

I’m truly obsessed with how quickly “I’m La Voix, and I’m just doing this now!” has become a core part of this series. Although this week, they were once again doing Very Sincere Ballroom™ and it was… fine?

it’s always going to be an uphill struggle when your Very Sincere Ballroom™ is a foxtrot in the second half of the competition and not a perfectly middling and slightly absurd Movie Week Waltz. So La Voix was at the bottom of the leaderboard after being the only dancer to get a score below 7 from a judge

and with Alex dancing a paso doble like someone trying to decide which overpriced box of sushi they’ll buy from Waitrose

she too was rattling a tin for votes, forcing us into a Sophie’s Choice of divadom – ultimately resulting in a Bottom 2 of La Voix and Harry

with a bemused Julian leading the charge into the Monkseal Safety Sex Face Gallery

Harry’s an interesting case this series and it feels a little bit like whatever narrative they might’ve had for him died the moment that Lewis and Amber joined the cast and they’ve just not known what angle to take for him. And when they tried to do something interesting, that ill-advised Usher Argentine Tango, it just fell super flat. I think they wanted him to be better at the Latin than he proved to be, there’s nothing this show loves more than a buff man they can put in a mesh shirt but there’s unfortunately a bell curve for buffness and dance ability, with Harry very much being over the hump. He’s just *too* buff and a lot of this looked like he was fighting his pelvis like a resistance band

all the hip rotation of a tube of Smarties, my guy. Unfortunately, Harry had shown more talent for the ballroom and you can’t titty bounce your way through a waltz – AND WHAT GOOD ARE YOU THEN?

and with Harry having served his singular role of being the honey trap to lure Viper into doing the Strictly Christmas Special dressed as The Grinch

as well as all of his Party Latin having been done, it was clear the show wasn’t overly invested in him anymore. If you don’t have a Salsa, Samba or Cha Cha Cha to play after Blackpool, you’re going to struggle to be in that finale line-up.
I’m sad for Harry, I think we he was a great contestant to have on the show and in a few other line-ups in recent years, I do think he would’ve gone further – he’s probably the greatest casualty in the Dani Dyer Ringer Hydra that sprouted both Amber and Lewis. But on the plus side, this is the most Karen we’ve had on a series since she dragged Jamie Laing’s bloodied, biscuity corpse to the final and sacrificed him like Jesus

I cannot tell you how culturally important this absolutely bananas Showdance is to me specifically. It’s the sort of nonsense that could’ve only come out of the Covid series that everyone was huffing cough medicine during just in the hopes of surviving. And I fear that being high on Calpol may have produced some of Karen’s best work. Much like slamming the turbo-slut button on Nikita produces his

granted, it’s a salsa and Nikita most likely didn’t choreograph most of it, but I have to believe that pushing Amber around like she’s disco Hannibal Lecter had to be his idea – it’s the sort of thing only his distressed suit wearing Machiavellian mind could produce

everything about this routine is insane – the fact a large percentage of it is just Amber being swung around by the vulva

the whole routine being laced with the same desperation as the belting note in “You’re Gonna Love Me!” from Dreamgirls. AND I DO AMBER! How could I not!? You’re dressed like a fortune-telling trachea!

and I hope the BBC has to issue a statement asking people to stop recreating the crucifix in their living room after Shirley and Anton set a bad example

the speed at which Motsi and Claudia vacated the area <3

so get tiktoking – it’ll give Katya a break from her heart sinking every time she’s tagged in something and thinking it’s fucking Wynne Evans again asking her to paypal him some bus money

it’ll also give George a week off from being The Social Media One – this week he talked about moving house and how his barber is now a whole hour away!

which is honestly the most interesting thing I’ve learned about George Clarke so far. That and the fact he can be in four places at all once

Gun to my head, I don’t think I could tell you which one is George but rest assured apparently three of them are his friends Arthur The Vampire Diaries (Diaries is silent), Normal Arthur and Not An Arthur who are here to promote their youtube channels AND NOTHING ELSE

I’ve worked adjacently to television for long enough to know that anyone who uses their youtube handle to introduce themself is the reddest of flags. If you ever catch me calling myself Ariadne Reviews, kill me like Katya killing that bear when Lewis does a contraband pas de bourrée.

Having been stuck in Nonsense Town for the last 4 weeks, George was finally getting to do a dance themed dance. Granted I think Somebody To Love has about as much business being a Viennese Waltz as THE JERUSALEM BELLS ARE A-RING-A-DINGING had being a Tango. We should let Cher Lloyd do Strictly, I think it’d be fun. I mean, Vicky doing two instances of Cheryl cosplay is essentially Cher Lloyd doing Strictly

but I do think the world probably collectively owes Cher Lloyd and every teenage girl in 2010 that paid too much for a Paul’s Boutique handbag an apology. But she also has to do a terrible Jason Gilkison couple’s choice to a hip-hopified Adele song as a mutual exchange of cringe.

Anyway, before I wish this series away too quickly, back to George and his first non-concept dance since Week Two – it’s just him and his nonconsenting tugboat, AS GOD INTENDED

there was quite a bit of quibbling between the judges – Shirley and Anton were convinced it’s some of the best footwork they’ve ever seen in a Viennese Waltz while Craig drew the ire of everyone in the room by thinking he was dancing too high in the legs and generally critiquing George in as harsh a tone as he critique La Voix which lead to a 6 for her and surely because he and Shirley hissed and spat over the quality of George’s footwork like two cats pissing in the same alley, George would be in for anoth-

ONE POINT OF DIFFERENCE? AFTER ALL THAT?

truly we were living in the afterglow of Balvinder experiencing joy for the first all series with her and George tying on 34 because Craig wasn’t allowed into the Girls Only Bhangra Appreciation Society

I really liked Balvinder’s couple’s choice as an experience and for what it meant to her and really, it is nice to see something different on the show and for it to be produced properly. Or as properly as a track involving Ed Sheeran and Julian being spray tanned to the very brink of plausible deniability can be produced

BUT LOOK! They had a drummer in! And next week La Voix will be taking his job!

but I do think throwing out a “only women will understand this” (but calling us “females” like you’re on the worst reddit forums) is kind of failing to give a valid critique, because I didn’t read it as Balvinder being purposefully ~soft~ and ~feminine~ so much as slightly timid and afraid to fully commit. But it’s also hard to reason against that without one of you sounding belittling so we’re trapped in a sort of Mexican showdown of internalised misogyny. But by all means, throw three 9s at the nice lady who’s been through hell, she deserves good things

but Balvinder, for your own safety, you HAVE to go out next week because they will kill you with a Blackpool Jive dressed as a seagull if you don’t and as much I would love seeing Weird & Hot Julian dressed like a sexy chip man

I think you deserve better than a prosthetic beak and chicken feathers.

Despite a very heartwarming couple’s choice, Lewis dancing like a sexy elastic band and Amber performing the world’s most acrobatic gyno examination – it was none of them that topped the leaderboard. Instead that spot was reserved for Vicky’s Taylor Swift Tango, the most clickbaity dance the show has done since it was revealed that George will be dancing a John Lewis rumba

go on George, explain the Lily Allen situation to Janette on It Takes Two and throw in a dramatic reading of ‘Madeline’ while you’re at it. I do love it when Strictly is slightly messy – it’s never subtle, they do it like a builder laying bricks or Vicky rehearsing her next Geordie catchphrase in the mirror so many time she’s started to sound like the worn-out singing Elsa ornament

and I can’t even say it was a bad dance, it wasn’t! Vicky was very sharp, snappy and slick during it. I just think fundamentally this song doesn’t make sense for a tango, and even more so one that ends with Vicky killing Kai like she’s a member of the X-men with the power to stop the hearts of men of ambiguous ages (my favourite game is making people guess how old Kai is.)

Who’s being saved from The Fate of Ophelia in this? SONGS MEAN THINGS! I mean, this song barely means anything – it is essentially the world’s worst literary analysis of Shakespeare since I submitted one about Beatrice’s role in Much Ado About Nothing while suffering from a chronic eating disorder. BUT STILL! I just don’t know why the judges went absolutely bananas for this when Amber was jumping through hoops like a circus poodle on fire

I sound like Craig and Shirley judging George, there was only 1 point of difference between the two of them

I truly don’t care though, Amber should’ve had a full 40 for that nonsense. I’m very excited for the upcoming paso doble. I do find it *very* funny that after years of throwing dad rock paso dobles at any man over 40, they go for peak dad rock, using Aerosmith for the first since 2012 and hand it to a pair of the prettiest young things you’ve ever seen

Amber, quick! You have to tell them it’s your dad’s favourite song so you can finally prove you do in fact have a life outside of this show and you weren’t just brewed in the Elstree toilets like a Powerpuff Girl to be a Dani Dyer crisis actor. She did go to the Wicked: Endgame this week and was within LEGAL touching distance of Ariana, she didn’t have to defeat Cynthia in a gladiator duel to get that hug

getting to steal a lock of Ariana’s hair so she can clone her in the Nice Boy Cloning Facility is the closest thing we’ve got to a narrative for Amber because it was Alex’s turn to show vulnerability this week! Her weakness apparently being classical music. Which I think is an interesting and underappreciated challenge on the show – everyone should be forced to use at least 1 piece of classical or instrumental music during their Strictly run. I know Strictly thinks it’ll lose its entire audience if they don’t keep jingling Now That’s What I Call Music! routines in front of us like a bunch of keys, but is Italian Operetta Week too much to ask for? We’re in the midst of a soft reboot of the series. As we rehome Tess and Claudia like a pair of traumatised housecats now is the perfect time to be weird! You know what they say: WWJD. What Would Julian Do?

I guess I’m just worried the show is about to look Dancing With The Stars in the eyes like an algorithm pandering medusa

come back Around The World Week, all is forgiven! Greekentine Tango and all! If Viennese Waltzing to the national anthem of Botswana is the only thing that keeps us from having a jive to a weirdly sped up pop ballad SO BE IT.

It may have been a “struggle week” for Alex but she’s still yet to score below 30 since Week 1 and is the closest to matching the usual winner trajectory so I’m not surprised that she’s still fairing pretty well on the predicted winner front

there’s a glimmer of hope in me that really does think she can win it but this weekend is very much a set up for George’s big break through week with his sentimental John Lewis rumba at which point it’ll probably officially be game over for everyone and they’ll just have to play for second place which this show cowardly refuses to reveal.

And you can vote on who you think will win ahead of the Week 8 performances HERE.
And you can vote on Harry’s Bests and Worsts HERE.