Oops. Did I say something?

I’m innocent until proven guilty.

Previously on Strictly Come Dancing, Motsi rendered Shirley’s personal catchphrase completely redundant and Shirley seems to have taken that personally. Meanwhile Ross King got checkmated and left the competition as the show seemingly falls apart around us.

This week we head into Week 4 which is a sort of port of call before we wend our way through the stormy seas of back-to-back theme weeks in Halloween Week and the upcoming weekend’s Nebulous Icons Week. I say there’s no theme this week but there was some contraband Movie Week nonsense going on as Katya cribbed from Singin’ In The Rain because she’s got several years of highly competitive ringer nonsense pent up inside her and she knows after this it’s another 3 years of being tethered to a hopeless sportsman like she’s Nadiya, but she’d made sure to flip the footage to bypass piracy laws

and somehow even more egregious is Ellie and Vito doing Golden from the movie KPop Demon Hunters – the very same movie George Clarke was forcibly sat down to watch for his Couple’s You-Don’t-Have-A-Choice routine JUST LAST WEEK!

and then there’s La Voix trapped in her own personal Theme Week as she got Legally Blonde’d and was tricked into showing up for the sort of overly themed routine they toss at the duffer sportsman that dances like a Smeg Fridge to assuredly get rid of him once and for all

and she really sticks out like a sore thumb amongst everyone else dressed in standard fare dance gear

guys, you have to dress at least two couples up as idiots to make it not look a little bit like bullying. Stefan, you’re lucky you only got afflicted with this jumpscare of a moustache when they could’ve dressed you up like an organist’s monkey for a Charleston to Dance Monkey depending on what side of the bed the producers woke up on any given morning

that’s the other big story this week, Stefan Dennis is finally back and fighting fit! And I’m sure nothing bad could possibly happen after returning to a Charleston after a week of what sounded like quite bad vertigo

what is the statute of limitations on being suspiciously accurate in your clairvoyance?

Stefan Dennis’s Bon Jovi Paso Doble (the 8th one Strictly has ever done – nobody has a bigger monopoly on a dance) might be dead in the ditch but at least we’ll always have this… Charleston?

I get that they were working with some limitations, vertigo hits you HARD and even after a week, I imagine Stefan wasn’t feeling 100% and nothing says “I’ve had a bout of vertigo” more than a routine that has quite this much sitting down

but you know, they could’ve thrown in ONE (1) classic Charleston step, even Karen’s Quickstep had more Charleston!

hell, Vicky jumping around on the sofa and almost flashing her tits had more Charleston

it was like discovering a copy of Nuts in a bush for George Clarke

Instead Stefan’s Charleston was Jenny Thomas at her worst. But after 16 years of churning out 10 Charlestons a series like she’s mass producing swivelling sausage meat, I can’t really blame her for running on the sort of fumes that result in her thinking crawling along like a pair of tandem wheelbarrows is what-we-shall-generously-call-choreography

girl, be serious. I think we just have to accept that the Charleston has been ground down and reduced to nothing but slapstick and gurning – it’s a real mystery that Vicky wasn’t better at it. It’s about time that we just take it out back and shoot it in the head and tell the kids it’s gone to live on a farm. By which I mean, we relegate it to the dusty unopened Theatre Jazz Cupboard that nobody ever goes to for Couple’s Choice because throwing Strictly’s Idea of Hip-Hop or Surinamese Soca Dancing at Anton is an almost guaranteed score of 8 or higher because unsurprisingly, the “author” of the Buckingham Hotel romance series isn’t an expert in Hip-Hop or Surinamese Soca Dancing

after the lowest ever average scoring Week One in Strictly history, I was quite excited for the pacing of this series. However, it seems the show took that the wrong way and has promptly course corrected at such speed I fear we’ve capsized with the highest average scoring Week 4 in Strictly History^{[citation needed?]}. No doubt in part because the only dance that Anton scored lower than a 7 was La Voix dancing a Cha Cha Cha like a decorative lawn flamingo with a bad case of thrush

which does mean, that yes, he did indeed give the rotary washing line we’ve come to know as Chris Robshaw a 7 for his Salsa (and Shirley isn’t innocent either)

I get that the lifts were impressive and worth instigating a bar brawl in the Clauditorium over

but you do have to take into account the few seconds of dance that happened around Nadiya being prepared like pizza dough. This might honestly be the worst attempt at crowd hyping I’ve ever seen

you can see the precise moment he makes direct eye contact with the camera and is suddenly burdened with the weight of self-awareness

and he was doing that AT THE JUDGES. But you know, who cares? Nadiya goes spinny

there’s a reason they bedazzled the nipple rash *onto* her costume

Nadiya was very aware that they didn’t really deserve those 7s

and was even more astonished that Shirley and Anton opted to save Chris and her in the Dance Off. I’m almost tempted to class these as Safety Sex Faces while Balvinder sits there counting up to her thirteenth reason

she doesn’t get to pull them very often, she’s the absolute Queen of the First Quarter Dance Offs, appearing in almost 50% of them between weeks 2 and 4 (and a number only so low because she’s out by week 3 quite often) – girly pop’s track record is a disaster and Shirley’s really not beating those holding women to higher standards allegations. Luckily for Balvinder, Craig held all the power this week and did opt to save her and she only just managed to choke up the cyanide pill she’d just popped (I’m absolutely counting this as a safety sex face)

I am so excited for the moment this lazy susan of judging responsibility results in an incredibly messy elimination.

With Chris on his way out, you can vote on his bests and worsts here!

I’m hoping everyone rallies around Balvinder next week to spare her a hattrick of Dance Offs as much to spare her the debilitating psychic damage as because I love mess. If she does manage to pull through, it could be a Safety Sex Face to end all Safety Sex Faces, as much for her as Julian because I think he can see the walls of One Series Divadom closing in around him. Speaking of sex faces, here’s the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery

oh sorry, how did that get in there?

the only time La Voix was more stunned was when she got a 2 from Shirley

still higher than a 1, right Aljaz?

better comedic timing than anything La Voix managed in that godawful Cha-Cha-Cha. And I can’t even really argue with Shirley’s score as harsh as it is because she’s right, it blew up in La Voix’s face the moment it started and the rest of it was danced in a state of mortified panic. You don’t even need need the hot mics to hear her hissing for help from Aljaz like a cat that just saw its own reflection

I’m almost tempted to believe the bum spin wasn’t choreographed at all and was just Aljaz’s best attempt at getting La Voix to stop dancing because it looked like she had about as much agency in this decision as Dianne’s baby being swizzled around like mint leaves in an in utero mojito every week

and yet, somehow the best part of the routine because it at least meant that La Voix wasn’t trying to navigate her costume and a Cha Cha Cha like me trying to use the stairs of a Leeds nightclub after 7 Vodka Redbulls (I truly don’t know how I’m alive as much because of the heart palpitations as the 25 minutes I was lost on those stairs)

but I’d go one step further and say this entire routine was doomed to fail from conception no matter who did it and feels like the whole thing was a social experiment to test La Voix’s voting strength. But at least she gets to do a Cher routine next week as a treat (and Aljaz gets to wear another upper lip toupee for his Sonny Bono cosplay)

it’ll certainly help hide the bruise when La Voix cross-hooks him for real and buries him beneath the patio

No jury of your peers would commit you, La Voix

It was self-defense.

Sadly for La Voix, because Shirley had only started drinking when Jimmy and Lauren opened their beachside cocktail bar

she had been caught in the crosshairs of Shirley’s irritable tipsiness. As well as Anton if this glower when he made another of his ~witty asides~ as she tried to parse what on earth the terrified cat atop La Voix’s head had just boked up onto the ballroom and called a cha cha cha is anything to go by

mummy’s happy juice only kicked in at around the point Alex and Johannes rumba’d and she lost all inhibition, tottering out from behind the desk with the misty eyes of someone who thinks they’ve just seen Jesus’s face on a Dorito

and everyone, rightfully looked as though they should probably call for the men with the big nets to take Shirley away because she was having some sort of psychotic break

Alex, looking around for someone to take a shot <3 WHERE ARE THE BALLROOM SNIPERS!?

Alex, just stay perfectly still. Like one of those nature documentaries where an injured wildebeest calf gets hunted down by hyenas, we just have to let nature take its course. The worst she can do is U-Haul you into an open marriage

as much as this is one of the cringiest things to happen on this show, and need I remind you, barely 25 minutes before this we’d seen La Voix dancing like a Sim that’s trapped in a ladderless pool. I also can’t be mad at anything that short circuits TessBot as she watches that one fanfic she’s been writing becoming reality right before her eyes organic matter detectors

and then, not to miss out on being the centre of attention, Anton comes out to give the Hollywood Handshake We Have At Home – she’s Shirley’s pseudo-wife, LEAVE HER ALONE!

how’s the other end of the table doing? Anyone else want to throw their hat in the Alex Kingston Polycule ring?

not to be like one of those people that cries when they change a pillowcase because it reminds them of Dobby the House Elf dying like a sick cat, but this is somehow the most River Song that could’ve possibly happened on this show.

Harry and Karen’s rumba didn’t instil quite the same wanderlust for life beyond the desk in Shirley, which is surprising because Harry was very much breasting boobily around that dancefloor

but you can’t play that card two weeks in a row. And on top of that, Shirley is a staunch defender of rumba purity and I’m not sure motorboating quite factors into that but I appreciate Karen doing what we all needed her to do

however, Shirley did her usual thing of being slightly patronising to Karen for daring to be good at a rumba

she’s only got 24 years of Latin dance experience under her belt

the only other time I’ve seen that much gum was in Cujo. I fear we let Shirley call herself The Queen of Rumba once and it’s gone to her head. We need a coup d’etat of the rumba monarchy

the rumba was always going to be a bit of a battle for Harry, a man built like a Queen Anne wardrobe. But even if it wasn’t the best rumba for a lack of fluidity, it was far from unwatchable and significantly better scoring than I could’ve predicted. That masterclass in sensuality from Franklin Turtle really paid off

the editors were doing a valiant job of providing enough footage from the archive to skim over DummyGate, BUT I REMEMBER COLIN! I can never forget the image of you and Erin Boag with a pair of limp, lifeless women pinned to your chests like the prey of a butcherbird, standing there having yourselves read to filth by Arlene at her angriest

there are many moments that I can cite as pivotal in my falling in love with reality television – Colin Jackson snogging the puppet as a way of dispelling the gay rumours was definitely one of them

One of the things that did help Harry and Karen’s rumba was that they did manage to sell a real sense of chemistry in the routine. However, both of them are also very keen for this to not become a tabloid speculated ~showmance~ as they squirm like a sack of worms every time someone mentioned sexiness

ok Karen, but don’t pretend you don’t know you’re hot!

this looks signiciantly less sexy as a still but I love it, it’s like he’s dancing with an allen key. George and Alexis however, absolutely willing to do this weird picnic date specifically designed to create tabloid fodder speculation

I don’t for a second think they’re romantic, Alexis is MARRIED AND MORMON – DO NOT SHIP, but they knew what they were doing here

the whole thing being that they’ve given up on trying to make George seem interesting so we’ve pivoted wildly to VTs about Alexis (Hot and Weird Julian found dead in a ditch) as she introduced George to Utah Dirty Sodas, the sort of cursed food that could only come from a culture devoid of sex and hobbies – perfect for George!

and George giving me the heaves would be his most interesting contribution to the evening

because the rest of it is a middlingly fine tango to Coldplay’s Vida la Viva of all things – a routine almost certainly planned before the series began just so that Strictly could be 3 months late to the Coldplay Kiss Cam Incident and they’d just throw it at whichever contestant looks the most like they listen to Coldplay

because I don’t hate the theme! Sure the fighting over the throne like a game of musical chairs with about as much historical accuracy as the TV show Reign ever called for feels a little played out at this point

but I can’t lie, one of my dream high concept tangos is this exact routine to King Of The World by WAR*HALL. I apparently don’t do enough cocaine to think up a Sexy Bisexual Interpretive Tango about the Gamestop Short Squeeze to Beautiful People by FUCKING CHRIS BROWN?????

you’d think that with allegations that you’re snorting up Peruvian marching powder like a sordid pack of Henry the Hoovers, you’d try to be a little bit more normal than the Stonks meme in sexy red pumps

which does explain why they’re so keen to push George Clarke, the personification of an unfurnished 2 bedroom flat, as the figurehead of this series.

Coldplay is just fundamentally not tango music, no matter how much of a drum beating dirty soda Dave Arch tries to turn it into. I think we should throw the Coldplay Tango into the dungeon, along with its profound overmarking

the judges were VERY forgiving of the whole section in the middle where George and Alexis start lurching around like a drunk octopus

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS MEANT TO BE LIKE THAT MOTSI?

YOU DIDN’T NOTICE IT ANTON?

and once they were made very aware that, no, you’re not meant to actually dance a tango like you’re tying a reef knot with your knees, they didn’t penalise him half as hard as they did Karen for slipping during a bum spin that was still somehow not as bad as La Voix being swung around like a distressed gibbon

I really loved this routine and thought it was a fantastic show opener. I’m still so pleasantly surprised that Karen manages to navigate theatrical maximalism so well – Carlos threw almost as much at her as Vicky Gill did

she’s wearing at least three of my dream dresses all at the same time and whatever trimmings they couldn’t fit on her got divided between Ellie and Vicky dressed like the two halves of a pantomime pinata

when Vicky is done with those mountain goat trousers, I would very much like to adopt them like one of those donkeys with the messed up hooves.

Vicky showed a massive improvement on last week’s Charleston, in part because a lot more of this was in hold

MOTSI NO! That critique is exactly how we ended up with Vicky performing a Charleston like she was stomping grapes

she clearly just feels more confident in hold or aggressively body rolling at a priest in the second row

forgive me father, for this was only the beginning of your NIGHT OF SINFUL FILTH!

I feel like the best possible review of this Argentine Tango is the fact I can’t even post that screenshot on Bluesky without it getting auto-censored by the content police

but by far the best metric of an Argentine Tango will always be the Horndog Tess Test and how palpably horny it makes her and the review was in!

more clenched than Julian’s jaw when he realised he was potentially about to lose to a man that has all the dance functionality of a washing machine with a brick inside it

let’s be honest Julian, you have one week to do something interesting and prove you’re worth keeping. I know it’s an uphill struggle with a Renaissance Tour themed Quickstep to Beyonce’s Texas Hold ‘Em, but you are the tiny brick in the machine keeping us from a Neil Jones partnership so pull your lucky undies up!

and I can see where he was going with this paso doble – I love a paso in traditional trappings! But you know, it would’ve been nice IF WE COULD SEE ANY OF IT!

I get the impression Julian doesn’t want to rock the boat too much so doesn’t push his luck when it comes to the routine styling but he really should’ve stepped in when it became palpably obvious that Balvinder and the lighting effects had shown up to the party in the same outfit

I promise you, you can ask for more than a little box

god bless him though, his wildly out of time drumming to the beat of the music was perhaps the funniest start to a routine all series. La Voix can do her drag shenanigans all she wants, but Julian earnestly trying to serve Spanish musician thirst trap and coming across as a complete dork is *chef’s kiss* to me. He might be destined to be a one series diva because he just cannot get the weird-to-hot ratio right like the Macaroni and Cheese scene from Courage the Cowardly Dog

but he’s *my* one series diva.

Lastly we have the Two Couple’s Choice pile-up of Jimmy and Ellie, both of which actually managed to feel like they had a hand in their routine as opposed to George Clarke being blindfolded, bundled into a van and told he’s going to be a weak imitation of a Saja Boy whether he likes it or not

where was the awful pastel anime boy wig, George?

Jimmy and Lauren had gone to extent of littering his routine with references to his family – the boat named after his wife and the lovingly rendered cocktail menu of his daughters’ names as well as the most geographically insane signboard you’ll ever see

it does serve to really make Julian being sat on the spartan naughty stool like a pilgrim child that had one too many impure thoughts even sadder. THEY DIDN’T EVEN VARNISH IT!

I don’t know why I’m so mad at that block of wood but on a show dedicated to sparkle and glitter, a slab of untreated pine really does stick out like a sore thumb

wrong slab of untreated pine, hun.

Jimmy got very mixed reviews from the judges with there being a big disagreement between Craig and Anton, the two judges being the least likely to have ever attended Notting Hill Carnival, over how “big” the hitting of shapes should be

big shapes are not usually Jimmy’s struggle

I really liked Jimmy’s routine and while I do think some of it was a bit reserved – mostly in comparison of his side-by-side with Lauren who can dislocate her joints like a Max Fleischer cartoon

I’d be very interested to know how someone from the Soca dance community would score this. Which is fundamentally the issue with couple’s choice on a show that has made ballroom and latin dance it’s entire personality trying to bring in other styles. They’ve essentially stacked the deck against themselves. I’ve always wanted Strictly to bring in a traditional folk element – on It Takes Two a few years ago they kept sending Nadiya and Graziano on field trips to try Polka, Mexican Jarabe Tapatio, Bhangra and Morris Dancing which was really interesting!

However, I don’t think Strictly, in its current iteration can be trusted with handing someone like Lewis Cope a sombrero and telling him to do the Hat Dance without also insisting it has to be performed to Tequila by The Champs. But perhaps I’m concentrating too much on the Education part of the BBC’s Reithian Principles when sending someone out to do a drag queen’s 8-count in the name of Entertainment is easier than treading the fine line of offending The Morris Dancing Federation’s Norfolk Division

if Katya can come up with new and intriguing ways to dismount a medium-sized prop, I think Jason Gilkison can come up with a routine that isn’t mostly just a 400m sprint through the Vauxhall Tavern

the MO of Ellie’s routine however wasn’t to be technically brilliant but to rather be an uplifting, feel good routine – as is evident from the final 20 seconds just being a confetti cannon and Ellie being spun around like she was doing high g-force training before being sent into space

the studio audience was up and clapping like circus seals for George’s tango despite having Coldplay forced upon them, they were practically seeing God by the time Ellie had finished because if you don’t give a standing ovation after a confetti cannon, you are dead in the heart

I am intrigued to see if Vito manages to make their Spice Girls salsa, which is to a medley of Spice Girls songs, not just feel like Couple’s Choice 2: Baby Spice Boogaloo

they’re also seriously frontloading Ellie’s dance card with party Latin – a strong indicator of someone the show is only invested in up to a very specific point. It’s hard to make headway in the latter stages of the competition if all you’ve got in the form of spectacle is a Charleston and an American Smooth – see Amy trying to drag JJ Chalmers through 7 weeks of pure ballroom like scenes from Hacksaw Ridge and that was on a reduced series!

Amy is proof that God gives his strongest soldiers his toughest battles.

And that’s it for this week! I apologise this was so late and it’d be even later if I addressed the Tess and Claudia departure in full, so I shall save that for the next recap. However, we might as well have fun with it before they announce the inevitably questionable replacements so, submit your predictions of who becomes The TessBot and who takes out a 10 year lease on the Clauditorium

and here’s the results of the Week 3 Winner Prediction Poll

and I look forward to seeing how Week 4 affects things!

thank you again for reading! Always appreciated, especially on a week where I struggle to get it out as early as I like to.