He’s definitely doing ok guys.

All hail Tiny Sieve.

Tart Attack 3: Return of the Meringue

Kicking off the first ever Meringue Week, a concept that is barely holding itself together, was a task for the bakers to make a dozen miniature meringue tarts, explicitly made with shortcrust pastry, featuring any fillings they want and a topping of any three of the meringue varieties that Jasmine definitely had no idea there were three of until this very moment

now girly pop, I know you weren’t born yesterday and you’ve definitely watched this show before. You didn’t just haphazardly stumble into this ha’penny of a handshake

the Handshake Economy is in a shambles and we are absolutely not adding half-a-handy to the decimalisation of the handshake system. Where does the madness end? A Hollywood High 5? A Hollywood Thumb War? A Hollywood Pinky Promise?

like all of Jasmine’s bakes, she’d gone for a very classic flavour combination of Passionfruit and Raspberry

and most of the bakers had gone along similar lines, using fruit with sharp flavours to cut through the sickly sweetness of the meringue toppings was kind of the only way you could play this.

The biggest risk was probably from Toby, just because I don’t think I’ve ever seen apple and Chekhov’s Walnuts with meringue as a flavour combination?

And while everyone else had gone for the more classic patisserie-style tart with a swish of piped and torched meringue; Toby was doing a lattice effect to create an illusory picnic basket

and for a moment it looked like it was all going to come crashing down around Toby when he suddenly realised that that smoking walnut gun was still on the side

and surely this will scupper Toby and lead to his ultimate downfa-

or that.
I do think Toby thoroughly deserved an accolade for these tarts though, they turned out amazingly

I’ve genuinely never seen that letticed effect with meringue – he really stood out for all the right reasons in this challenge because everyone else’s blends into one. Tom, Lesley and Iain had all definitely seen the same Pinterest inspo-board for theirs. Lesley differed from the other two with her Lemon Curd and Raspberries, whereas they had opted for Rhubarb

they tasted lovely – again, you can hardly go wrong with a Lemon Meringue Pie. Except if it’s a bit too gluey – an issue you saw coming the moment Paul questioned if she was making “a curd or a custard” like Oprah Winfrey asking Meghan Markle if she was silent or silenced

the only thing that could’ve saved her at that point was wishing upon the lucky rhubarb

Iain, please. I need to see your algorithmic Bake Off spreadsheet. And this would only be the start of Iain’s robbing of the Bake Off grave like Indiana Jones claiming to be an archeologist

he was the only one that had risked not blind-baking his tart cases as he was doing a frangipane filling, that didn’t prove to be an issue in the end as the only issue that the judges could find was Paul wondering if he could taste the rhubarb or just the tartness of the rhubarb. Sir, I regret to inform you that Rhubarb just tastes like you’ve eaten a biblically accurate Tangfastic.

Rhubarb wasn’t quite as lucky as Iain may have anticipated as Tom got some minor criticism for his Meringue needing a little more charring and promptly began calculating how much meringue it would take to put himself into a diabetic coma

to be fair, Prue had also said “disgusting texture” which I think Tom had interpreted as a review of his meringue specifically and not just that she’s clearly in the wrong job

and because he was the first one to be judged, she didn’t feel the need to say this to anyone else which is unfortunate because my kink is specifically Prue Leith having a terrible time

Lastly we have Aaron who was taking his inspiration from a Mont Blanc Tart, a French dessert dating back to the mid-19th century, a time where extruded vermicelli chestnut puree topped with whipped cream could be considered the height of the french pastry discipline and not someone’s drunken 2am creation (I refuse to believe that Auguste Escoffier wasn’t just drunk all of the time)

if I could travel back in time, I would IMMEDIATELY go back to the period in France where chefs were just making the most unhinged dishes they could think of and dedicating them to principal ballerinas and opera divas for clout. Why don’t we do that anymore? Where is the tiny tartlet dedicated to Celia Imrie’s soon to be BAFTA winning fart called Le Pet d’Imrie

have I just realised my true calling in life?

Sadly Aaron wasn’t making chestnut puree noodles and was playing with the ratio of chestnut to blackcurrant to make his Mont Blanc Oblongs a little more original

I do think that’s potentially too much meringue, however it was beautifully made and the judges were big fans of his changes to the quantity of chestnut puree. TAKE THAT, FRANCE!

An Unofficial Meringue Tartlet Ranking:
1. Toby’s Pic-a-nic Baskets
2. Aaron vs 19th Century France
3. Jasmine’s Gonna Jasmine
4. Iain’s Rhubarb Flavoured Monkey’s Paw
5. Tom, REMEMBER YOUR EMOTION REGULATION EXERCISES!
6. Were you Curd, or were you Custard?

Soufflé Queen!

There were only so many things that the Technical Challenge could be given the time limit usually remains to about an hour. And the moment it was revealed that it was going to be a staggered start, the bakers clearly knew it was Death by Souffle

and getting things rolling was Iain, a position that would ultimately benefit him tremendously as by the time the judges got to the ranking, they’d eaten so much liquid egg that they’d forgotten Iain had used an entire Victoria Sponge worth of excess sugar in his souffles

the mistake coming from his interpretation of the phrase “use the remaining sugar to create a puree” as literally using all the remaining sugar instead of taking from the remaining sugar

HONESTLY? I would’ve probably done the same and I’m really upset it’s too late to cite that in my autism assessment. Even if Iain had realised his mistake by the time his puree had become more of a raspberry caramel, it would’ve been too late

because if there was one thing that would scupper your chances in this particular challenge it was wasting your time redoing anything, as Lesley found out when she course corrected on her mandatory leaf-shaped tuiles

DIVA NO! Leave them behind! Forget about them, it’s not worth it! Just serve the horrible tuiles and make sure your souffles are good! And as such, she sank to the bottom with her mug of partially formed embryotic souffle (Aaron would come second with a set of souffles that had near identical issues…)

Given the amount of times someone has attempted an ill-advised improvised souffle on MasterChef and ended up just serving an omelette in a cup, I think all the bakers actually did really well to get anything that actually resembled a souffle! I’ve only ever ordered a souffle once, at the Brasserie Blanc in Winchester, and my dessert came out like 15 minutes after everyone else’s with the waitress telling me the chef was on like his 4th attempt. The poor guy just about came out to watch me eat it when it eventually made its way to me. I DID OFFER TO CHANGE MY ORDER. It was great, and is still apparently on the menu 8 years later if anyone wants a fieldtrip to torture a chef.

Tom had possibly his weakest technical challenge to date, only narrowly beating Lesley with his slightly sinking souffles being dubbed rough

and this would definitely not have any adverse effects on his mental stability

huge fan of Tom’s Gothic Horror narrative of going from moony-eyed idolisation of Paul Hollywood to plotting how best to cut off his hand to stop him from touching anyone else. THAT’S MY FANFIC IDEA, DO NOT STEAL.

Joining Iain and Aaron on the podium in third place was Toby who deserved it as much for cracking a successful joke after Noel called him a banterless bore as he did for his lumpy souffles

I truly thought that this comment was the nail in the coffin for the three robotic puppies in a trench coat we call Toby

but if anything, this whole episode feels like the slow laying to rest of our Smart Kettle that learned to love.

An Official Raspberry Souffle Ranking:
1. Iain’s Literal Souffle
2. Aaron’s Is Lesley’s But Better
3. Toby’s Man-made Souffle
4. Jasmine’s Curdled
5. Tom’s Souffle Psychic Damage
6. Lesley’s Tuile Compassion

Vacherin Glace

In a rare case of That’s Actually A Thing!™ The bakers were rounding out Meringue Week with a Vacherin Glacé instead of a tableau of their greatest childhood trauma rendered in French Meringue. Iain was instead rendering someone else’s trauma in French Meringue, harkening back to BinGate and aiming to untarnish the name of Iains From Belfast

I was just shocked with just how much BBC era archive footage we got of that calamity, the whole thing unfolding with Blair Witch-style camera work and every frame being its own Renaissance painting

the reason for this throwback, other than them both being Iains, is that a Vacherin Glacé is just a Baked Alaska with a phobia of the science of thermodynamics because it was first made in 18th century Switzerland and you’d be beheaded in the town square for taking frozen ice cream out of a hot oven. Unsurprisingly, Vacherin Glacé was another dessert of the French Nonsense Period, the meringue variant on the almond paste original being developed by Marie-Antoine Carême, the sassiest gay to ever visit St. Petersburg.

Iain’s rendering of Bingate, was really cute and I think on the right side of the Bake Off Ouroboros

however, Paul thought that the coffee and chocolate were far too overpowering and strong for his delicate palate, so I guess the Chaotic Evil Iain from Belfast Variant knows how Paul feels now

and with Paul having a triple espresso induced headache, that probably does explain why he was just grabbing fistfuls of Lesley’s chantilly cream

it was far from Lesley’s strongest outing as she had to restart some of her meringues due to the fact they weren’t hardening in the oven as she’d got the ratio of sugar to egg whites reversed

Lesley’s meringues may not have been cooking but everyone around her was slowly realising how cooked she was as

and unfortunately there wasn’t enough time to redo all of her meringues and she had to prioritised the more structural necessities, so the swan toppers were hastily written out

but given the set back, I do think Lesley getting something out that looked as complete as hers did was impressive, even if it wasn’t the successful audition to make her daughter’s wedding cake she wanted it to be

I think the dual tone meringue can be a very pretty effect, however something about these particular shapes and the lack of uniformity is reading a little… Jasmine Alicia Carter. Which is the nicest possible way I can find of saying “slightly menstrual” and perhaps the swans were essential in mitigating that.
The judges did love the flavours though, which isn’t a surprise considering it was literally just an Eton Mess and was about as much of a risk as her Lemon Meringue Pie signature.

Aaron however was playing it risky with his Lemongrass Meringue that he’d piped into the shape of a Kitsune and I honestly think this is one of the best things I’ve seen on this show

He didn’t really elaborate on who he’d chosen to do the Kitsune so I’ve decided that it’s because they wouldn’t allow him to mention Pokemon and as the dessert is a combination of baked meringue and frozen ice cream, that’s a reference to Kantonian Ninetales and Alolan Ninetales which are Fire and Ice types respectively as well as generally being the cuntiest pokemon to have ever been created

in this house, we respect the divas.

The only problem with Aaron’s vacherin was that the sheer weight of everything had compacted his bottom layer into a near unchewable toffee-paste and Prue was loosing teeth by the second

and somehow Tom’s Tower of Attempted Viral Phallicism had not succumbed to the same fate

I know I’m being cynical about Tom and the fact he was genetically engineered using the data gleaned from Iain’s spreadsheets and whatever DNA samples we have on file from Francis Quinn. But the moment you mention or hint at having an aga at home I’m pressing that trapdoor button under the desk

I’m also immediately sceptical of his entire Vacherin because it’s banana flavoured and paired with coffee. I just don’t see it and refuse to accept it. But at least daddy loves Tom again so he doesn’t have to go stand in the Dulux section of B&Q and threaten to drink paint

he does however have to find a way of deactivating his own personal springlock nightmare as TobyBot-3000 only goes on to get even more praise for his lactose-free Mango and Coconut Vacherin

what’s that Toby? Milk could kill you?

EVIL PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Finally, we have Jasmine who was being the most whimsical I think she’s capable of with her clamshell vacherin featuring three different kinds of ice cream

I honestly love this, I think it’s a shame that her second clamshell clearly broke too much to use, I think having both the top and the base would’ve been really fun. But she put a lot of work into this, partly because Lesley had inflicted the Cursed of the Tiny Sieve onto her

but I think it all paid off in the end – I’ll never kick a good pistachio ice cream out of bed.

An Unofficial Vasherin Glace Ranking:
1. Aaron’s Legally Distinct Ninetales
2. Toby’s Lactose-free Mango Tree
3. The Birth of Three Scoops for £5 Venus
4. Iain’s Bingate Thesis
5. I, In No Way, Have Got To Hand It To Tom
6. Lesley’s Swanless Song

There was a very little debate about who would get Starbaker and even Alison and Noel seemed bored out of their minds when Paul and Prue started threatening to give Jasmine a fourth accolade

however, they did relent and gave it to a thoroughly deserving Toby

the elimination was a little easier – they could toss Iain’s name around as much as they wanted for the divisiveness of his coffee and chocolate but his meringues were perfectly cooked and that has to count for *something* on Meringue Week of all things. And so sadly, for the mix up with her ratios, Lesley runs aground

Lesley’s probably the baker that grew on me the most and I’m glad she stuck around this long and I’m gutted for her that her time ended on a really unfortunate mistake.

Next Week it’s Dessert Week which is essentially Legally Distinct Meringue Week!