These callipers are my new mortal enemy.

I too aspire to be the personification of Merriam-Webster.com

Life is a Cabaret

For the quarterfinal, the MUAs were at their most high profile Industry Assignment yet as they did the makeup for the Kit Kat girls ahead of a performance of Cabaret

under the watchful eye of Guy Common and Guy Common’s Villainous Eyebrows

and in order to decide who got which Kit Kat girl, the MUAs had to pick amongst themselves based off Guy showing them an A4 photo from 20 feet away

which mostly went by completely undramatically (BOO! Fight you guys…) except for maybe Mia volunteering Jade to do her character based purely on the fact the character Lulu’s defining feature was her lips

the funny thing about this challenge is that everyone being allowed to take a character that played to their strengths, backfired on some of the MUAs because the trick to this challenge was that the makeup needed to look like the makeup of the incredibly drunk girl in the club’s toilet who is dishing out the sagest advice you’ll ever hear in your life. So while Mia’s makeup for her character Rosie, described as a Flirtatious Punk, was absolutely flawless

it looks like an editorial makeup for W Magazine because there was no way Mia was going to let this makeup be even slightly grungy

and Jade would get a similar critique with everyone commenting that her makeup for Lulu looked like Lulu was turning up for a first date

maybe if your first date was being tied to a train track by a moustache twirling villain as you insist “I can fix him.”

I liked Jade’s makeup and think she was slightly hamstrung by the fact her character was the most nondescript given that just about every one of the Kit Kat girls have the same pinched cupid’s bow lip because it’s the 1930s. But ultimately the biggest point of contention for the judges was how much guidance an MUA needed in order to get their makeup stage ready and with Jake needing absolutely no intervention or advice, they were very obviously winning this challenge

whereas Cherise needed to be told to make her moustache bigger and generally overblended everything to a far too glossy finish – the eye makeup was stunning but very much not the vibe they were going for

and Jamie had to have the neon orange pigment pried from his hands or else Helga was going to be visible from space and cause serious problems for Air Traffic Control at Heathrow airport

although to be fair to Jamie, the reference picture did look like it also went ham on the UV reactive neon pigment and Jamie’s resulting makeup was kind of a major slay, even if much like Mia’s it was far too polished

but Jamie was destined for that red chair over Mia because he had showcased some extremely ill-advised overconfidence with how well this was going for him

Cherise’s face made me SCREAM. I will never get bored of Jamie walking into Hubris like Sideshow Bob walking into rakes

I have gradually convinced myself to be a Jamie stan. I can’t tell if I’m gaslighting myself, or if Jamie is doing the gaslighting

if he has to flop his way to the final, SO BE IT.

Decadence

This week’s Creative Brief was themed around decadence and something about it just felt a little off and as though the concept hadn’t been communicated very clearly to the MUAs. OR, it’s just we’re 6 episodes into this series and everyone’s creativity is currently running on fumes and the dust of a Nature Valley bar that’s been in their pocket since Week 1 so in fear of repeating themselves they’ve begun excessively overthinking the prompts to near abstract absurdism. Jamie’s moodboard is just about incomprehensible and looks like something that gets a conspiracy theorist sectioned after they accuse Dua Lipa of being a reptile in a skin suit and try to peel her face off

my THEORY, and it’s not a conspiracy before you send the men with big nets after me

is that Jamie’s original look may have involved drawing designer labels on his model to indicated more of a Luxury Branding. But this is the BBC who limited Jade and Josh to a singular use of the word “Beyblade” between the two of them, so they’re hardly going to let him draw the Chanel and Louis Vuitton logos in fake blood and a burn scar. Thus leading him to… what is this?

it’s like an easter egg hunt took place during a nuclear apocalypse? I think he was going for a Viserys Targaryen inspired wishing on a monkey’s paw for a golden crown?

the whole look is kind of a confusing mess that neither achieves a feel of decadence, luxury nor maximalism – which were used interchangeably to describe this brief but as Merriam-Webster, played by Jade, will tell us these are not all necessarily the same thing

Jamie was further hampered by the fact he started in the red chair, accompanied there by Cherise who was going for a look inspired by the decaying implications of Decadence with fluorescent mushrooms

it’s a beautiful makeup – the oil slick effect she achieved with the glitter is really stunning. However, it’s a little minimal within the realms of the brief. It was quite funny to hear Val, Dom and Guy’s Septum Piercing talking about how excited they were to see some exaggerated and maximalist makeup and being greeted with a few mushrooms, Jamie’s… concept??? and Mia sort of shrugging in the vague direction of the word “decadence” and hoping the fact we’re all going through The Hunger Games Renaissance was enough to help Cyborg Johnny Depp make sense to the judges (jumpscare incoming, I apologise)

Mia’s explanation of the look however was lost somewhere between The Hunger Games wattpad fanfiction and the emergency rewrites for the Doctor Who 2025 finale

Girl… what?
What was going in Mia’s favour though, was how well her prosthetics were applied and painted because this gear poking out of the jawline is so fleshy and gross that it actually made me gag – if the following screenshot survives even a week against Imgur’s content policy I’ll be amazed, last week they flagged Josh’s face as a penis and deleted the screenshot (Honey, I am so sorry.)

that’s a camera ready prosthetic application and I think Mia should be dead proud of it.

Jade wasn’t only playing the role of Dictionary Corner in this challenge, as she was also taking us through the Wikipedia article on Awful Things The British Empire Has Done To India

which was giving very “Lady Gaga investigating the Insurrection” vibes

I also spent a lot of time browsing Wikipedia this week and have been thinking a lot about the Chinese Owl that is neither Chinese nor an owl

I was winning an argument about whether or not there’s a country without a species of owl. As it turns out, Tuvalu is devoid of owls. It’s also *almost* not a country anymore, so only a few more years until I’m right and Tuvalu is 5 feet underwater! WHO’S WINNING THEN, CARL?

Jade’s Timur Ruby inspired look was probably my favourite of the night

I did agree with the judges that the “ruby” in the centre of the face could have looked more faceted and shiny to indicate it was actually a precious gem because it is a little bit “your uncle who thinks sun cream is for women returns from Benidorm”

but the embellishments were at least really selling the maximalism and decadence the challenge was calling for. Maybe they should have given all of the MUAs a dictionary.

Lastly we have Jake, who had definitely come prepared to do the same horror monster character he’s been doing all series but this time in delicious synthetic bubblegum flavour!

however, he did have the common sense to divert from the initial plan with the final look being a much more pleasantly whimsical creation that still had the same level of finish and quality that Jake’s more well practiced looks had

Jake has such a painterly quality to the way they apply makeup, it’s really unique and interesting to look at so I wasn’t surprised that he got a Ding Dong for finally stepping further outside of his comfort zone

it was a very good episode for Jake and sets them up nicely for the final stages of the competition – all he has to worry about is the Face Off Cockroach. (love you really, Jamie <3)

A Vaguely Decadent Makeup Look Ranking:
1. Jake’s Sweet Tooth
2. Colonialism 101 with Professor Jade
3. There’s Not Mushroom for Maximalism
4 & 5. Jamie and Mia Being Put In Concept Jail.

Save The Dolls

Cherise had managed to save herself from the Face Off Challenge and with the two of them having looks that mostly amounted to “?????” written in red pen, it was Mia and Jamie facing the prospect of creating the lower lashes of a Doll Eye look in only 10 minutes

and given the two of them were visibly shaking like leaves throughout, I have to applaud them a little bit for how relatively clean both sets of lashes came out

however, Mia had completely fucked it with one of her eyes only have 6 lashes as opposed to the 7 that were required

which did of course mean that Jamie got to slink back to the makeup room to a collective “umm. What?”

and thus we say goodbye to Mia

when she did well, she did INCREDIBLY well – I mean, she got a look on a 40ft billboard for an international brand, you can’t really get much bigger than that?

And so, we’re down to our semi-finalists!