Alarmingly convincing Val Garland cosplay.

Welcome to a Legally Distinct Recap.

Super Nova

For this week’s Industry Challenge the MUAs were dabbling in the world of Music Videos, as they worked on the set of a shoot for the Nova Twins

one of whom is as pants adverse as Leomie

I am completely unfamiliar with the Nova Twins, as were at least most of the MUAs, but they seem like two really cool people. Or at least, they do once you wade through the obviously self-penned career portion of their Wikipedia page. They’re the reason the MOBO Awards even have a Best Alternative Music Act after writing an open letter calling for them to introduce it, which is a pretty cool legacy to have. The BAFTAs are yet to respond to my letter calling for the introduction of Best Supporting Haircut, which obviously this year goes to this digivolved Fuck Ass Bob

please watch Genius Game, I know a lot of awesome people who work on it and it’s really fun.

Overseeing the MUAs, and completely eclipsing the Nova Twins in terms of both screentime and reaction from the MUAs, was this week’s extra special guest judge, Mei Pang who is one of the most interesting and beautiful people to look at

as for the makeup she was overseeing, the MUAs were tasked with creating a cohesive set of backing dancers featuring dewy skin, iridescent highlights, “faux no brows” and blue shimmery eyes. All they had to base this off of was a Pinterest board and the vague implication that they should talk amongst themselves

they did not talk amongst themselves

The logical thing to do would have been to have a team meeting and perhaps even pick their own key makeup artist, thus mutinying Mei Pang and starting an uprising that halts production for several days while BBC3 has negotiations with the best choice of Supreme Music Video Overlord, Cherise

however, they did not and it was only in about the last 10 minutes as Jamie began to skulk around the room like an anxious cat who knows there’s treats *somewhere*

did they realise “Umm, guys, we haven’t had a conversation about this and the only similarity between our makeups is that we all used the same Beauty Bay palette #NotSponsored”

Jade tried, she really did try at the beginning to get them to discuss it but she was left standing there in mild disbelief like the “I threw up” alien

Cherise kind of screwed herself over the most as she wildly overestimated just how alternative the Nova Twins are as an act. They’re very commercial levels of alternative and if they didn’t have an essay of an early life and career section on Wikipedia, I would suspect them of being industry plants. Not a bad thing, more Black women in the alternative scene is always welcome by whatever means it has to happen. Cherise’s blue shimmer across the nasal bridge just wasn’t the vibe

and Mei did step in to remove it, ultimately leading to Cherise’s dancer looking a little bit too ordinary with the eye makeup only really showing up if you filmed it with a nostril exploring low angle

quite why Mei didn’t similarly step in to ask Jake to change up the eyebrows they were doing I do not know

but also, he could have picked up on Mei looking at the brows with a horror usually reserved for the moment you realise your weekly shop has gone over £150

Jake was called in do a touch up of the makeup during the shoot in order to correct his misunderstanding of “no-brow” to being “bleached brow” – a mistake that could have been avoided if ANYONE had said ANYTHING to ANYBODY in the 90 minutes they had to put these looks together IN THE SAME ROOM. The corrected brows looked really good though, the rest of it… Jake… baby… what?

that is painting for the cheap seats in the Buxton Pavilion pantomime. You better be happy that societal collapse looks imminent because I would spend the next 7 years training as a lawyer to help this poor woman sue you into the ground.

Jade was also called in to do a touch up because her eyebrows were just regular eyebrows, Jade doesn’t believe in not having eyebrows

but the touch up was really good and I liked that she’s really leaned into the doll-like features of her model with the makeup she did

and while the judges were very happy with her looks and the dimension she’d given her dancer’s face with the subtle contouring, the highlight just wasn’t quite there and certainly paled in comparison to Josh’s whose dancer could guide ships to safety on the darkest of nights

nothing better than the moment someone turns their head and their highlighter catches the light and you feel like one of the mice in the rocket launch scene from Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out

Josh smashed this challenge but had stiff competition from Mia

they’re just about the same look, but mostly only because of the moment Mei finally had to bite the bullet and corral the MUAs into doing the bare minimum to make things look cohesive, which also benefited Jamie

he was asked to pump it up and give his model a little more intensity, which ultimately didn’t happen in the eyes of Mei Pang who is basically intensity personified as opposed to Jamie who is 3 labrador puppies in a trenchcoat.

In the end, Josh was declared the very rightful winner and as a reward got to do the makeup for the Nova Twins for their MOBO performance 2 weeks later

luckily Josh had sudden and unexpected availability two weeks later… This episode was a disaster and I would give it a perfect score on Rotten Tomatoes, every step of the way seemingly decided by a ferret running across someone’s keyboard. Which is how I write these recaps.

A Nova Twins Dancer Makeup Ranking:
1. Josh’s Lighthouse Highlighter
2. Mia’s Slightly Duller Lighthouse
3. Jade’s Eyebrow Belief System
4. Jamie’s Subtle Intensity
5. Cherise’s Sci-fi to *Sigh* fine.
6. Jake’s Panto Dame

Nostalgia Glasses

For this week’s creative brief the MUAs were having to design a look inspired by their favourite childhood toy, which for me is my stuffed owl called Hoot who turns 27 years old this year

he’s on his second set of eyes and should probably have a bath at some point – his wife, Esther, is much cleaner

and I’ll stop there before I give you a complete rundown of the social and relationship dynamics of my entire plush toy collection that has 2 and a half decades of lore that would make GRR Martin weep. Kingdoms have risen and empires have fallen. Betrayal, murder and an illegal gap year in Thailand.

Jake and Cherise both found themselves in the red chair – Jake for firing the makeup gun at his poor model

and Cherise because the Laws of Reality TV Hubris dictate that this has to happen

ultimately both of them would be absolutely fine because Cherise is Cherise and if this show has taught us anything it’s that Jake could paint himself to look like a monster with his eyes closed and all available makeup tools frozen in a block of ice, a 15 minute time penalty is just not enough of a handicap

does it feel kind of like retreaded ground? Yeah, which is probably why I don’t feel as enamoured by this as I probably should because it is a damn good makeup. I also like that it’s not an overly literal makeup, not that we even know what it was based on because nobody was actually allowed to say the name of their toy, except Jade who got to say “Beyblade” ONCE. Everyone else had to describe them as legally distinctly as possible. I feel like there’s a reference to Poppy Playtime in Jake’s piece somewhere

it would also make sense for Jake to be into Poppy Playtime based on… everyone else I know who is into Poppy Playtime

the Autism Diagnosis Assessment should just be a pop quiz on Survival Horror Video Game trivia. I’ve never watched or played a single second of Five Nights At Freddy’s and yet I feel like it could be my specialist subject on Mastermind, it’s hardwired in there.

As for Cherise, she had a very ambitious illusory makeup based on a Russian Doll she was given by her Great Aunt and spoke of it in such away that almost suggests it’s a female rite of passage to be gifted your first Russian Doll

I didn’t expect “not owning a Russian Doll” to be added to my list of things causing Gender Dysphoria AND YET HERE WE ARE. My neanderthal brow be damned, I am now filled with the feminine urge to stack a Matryoshka doll!

it is a bloody good makeup from Cherise. She’s so precise and deft with her application, it’s hard to say anything other than “Damn, she’s good.” and “There’s a passing resemblance to The Lorax”

and with Jake and Cherise doing so incredibly well, that meant the Face Off Challenge was left wide open. Which Jamie promptly flopped himself into like someone sacrificing themself to appease a wrathful volcano

Jamie, I valiantly defended you last week. This, even by your own admission is not good. I wont kick three labrador puppies in a trenchcoat while they’re down because it was very clear how upset you were by how Very Not Good™ this was turning out as you marched to the photoshoot area like someone who was about to face a public execution

DEPLOY THE EMERGENCY CORPORATE THERAPIST LEOMIE

but to Jamie’s credit, I think it shows how much talent and promise he does have because the judges were all SO encouraging and gentle in their critiques. Compare it to the response Series 2 Jake and Series 1 Nikki got for these equivalent disasters

so I hope Jamie at least feels a little encouraged after this because they could have nuked him from space for it. I know a few of you read these recaps and don’t watch the show, but it was meant to be one of those gooey alien egg toys

I asked a group of people who weren’t watching Glow Up as to what they thought was happening on Jamie’s face with the list being:

• The Birth of Venus But She’s a Dolphin
• Pet bird sitting in front of a train window
• Map of North American Soil Types
• Amorphous and Indecisive Shapeshifter
• Was The Prompt “Blue Oyster Cult”?
• Recycling Bins
• Something about water pollution?
• An incredulous “IT’S REPRESENTATIONAL?”
• Gotye in His One Music Video
• A Sad Clam
• Robert Delaunay But I’m Colourblind

and of course, a premonition of that tortoise that clearly committed arson and will do it again

what if Jamie is the Nostradamus of reptilian criminal acts?

While Jamie battles with his visions of a tax evading boa constrictor, Jade once again found herself in a battle of concepts as she and Josh were both, rather appropriately, having a Beyblade Battle or, in BBC friendly terms, “Spinny Toy Kerfuffle”

Josh was going for a more literal recreation of the draconic visage that appears on some Beyblades, wasting absolutely no time in whacking a great big nose prosthetic onto his face

Two things are guaranteed on Glow Up: Jake will draw teeth and Josh will have a new nose.
I was going to find an actual picture online but I had not realised how much lore and different releases Beyblade has done so I gave up on that endeavour, just trust me Josh’s makeup is a very good reaction of it, or certainly the DranSword 3-60F released in 2023 (we have strayed so far from God’s light)

it’s a very good makeup – the gradient is absolutely flawless but the judges, of which maybe 1 knew what a Beyblade was before a PA brought over a YouTube video to show them, felt that it wasn’t giving enough Beyblade energy because it lacked the metallic “blades” around the edge

which is a shame, because Josh had them but nixed them because sadly the silver card he was using to look like metal was very much going to look like silver card

if he’d been able to lie and say he was actually inspired by those plastic dinosaurs that were always the most random choice of colours, this episode probably wouldn’t have taken the most chaotic turn it possibly could’ve

picture it: 1999, 6 year old me is screaming, crying and throwing up because WHY IS THE STEGOSAURUS BLUE? I binge watched 5 hours of Speculative Dinosaur Fiction this week and came to the profound realisation that Walking With Dinosaurs is just A Dog’s Purpose for people who chewed their shirt collars as kids

WHY ARE YOU HERE AGAIN?

Over in the Not Josh corner of this Rotational Chachki Fracas was Jade with vibes-based approach to Beyblade Battling

it was another clever approach to a brief from Jade because at least you can look at this and talk about the high octane sport of Beyblade battling, even if you are lying through your perfect, perfect teeth

whereas with Josh’s you do kind of start and stop at “That’s a good dragon.” – but who knows, maybe you prefer a Bad Dragon™. DON’T GOOGLE THAT MUM.

Lastly we have Mia and if I had a nickel for every time she’s done a look this series inspired by a Fashion Doll, I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice

I’m assuming this is one of the Novi Star Dolls?

I spent a good few months watching nothing but doll collecting content on Youtube which was really interesting

GODDAMMIT, NOT YOU AGAIN! I know, I should have seen the diagnosis coming and probably gone for the assessment in my teens. But I didn’t, I was too busy having a gender identity crisis and making Doctor Who gif sets.

DON’T YOU DARE.

Back to Mia, whose makeup was mostly well received save for the marginally uneven cheek prosthetics which I don’t know if I would have even noticed amongst everything else that was so well executed.

A Childhood Toy Makeup Look Ranking:
1. The Feminine Urge To Stack Little Women
2. Jade’s Legally Distinct Pirouetting Plaything
3. Jake’s Toothy Saving Grace
4. Mia, But She’s an Alien
5. Josh’s Unimagined Dragon
6. Jamie’s Literally Anything Except an Alien

Foiled Again!

With Cherise and Jake clawing themselves out of the Red Chairs, they had to be refilled. The obvious choice being Jamie’s magic eye mollusc and joining him ended up being Josh for a makeup that didn’t feel complete. The two of them were showing down over a Foiled Lip

which Dom compared to The Tortoise and the Hare as Jamie raced ahead while Josh took a slow and methodical approach. This would ordinarily mean that Josh wins as Jamie becomes too complacent… except sometimes life isn’t fair

the Face Off is possibly the most chaotic method of deciding who to eliminate on any reality TV show. I can’t think of any other show where it feels more like you’re just flipping a coin and potentially eliminating a front runner over Jamie who Val and Dom have basically been gently preparing to be Ol’ Yeller’d for 3 weeks. Josh, I am so sorry you had to be sacrificed to make such perfect chaos but the random unpredictability is part of Glow Up’s appeal.

I have no doubt that Josh will go on to have a glittering career – not only has he got the talent and skill, but he’s got the charisma and likability that people, especially in the performance and show business world, gravitate towards.

and so, we’re down to 6!