Ah yes. The Allegory of the Long Spoons.

Dominic Skinner, the patron saint of failing upwards.

Viking of the Hill

It’s the Mass Catering Challenge which of course means: Vegetarians Approach At Your Own Risk

the location of this year’s gazebo’d chaos being Butser Ancient Farm in Hampshire, where they would be feeding 80 odd Vikings who all looked a bit like your dad taking the bin out at 6am because he forgot to do it the night before

and in order to go with the theme of historically accurate dressing gowns, the celebs would have to cook with the sort of ingredients you’d find in the 10th century. And professional carrot nerd, Adam Watson, would be fact checking

don’t tell him that someone managed to find the “scavenged broccoli” about 800 years too early

I love that they really tried to give some 10th century flare to the main courses with the “speared trout”, “scavenged broccoli” and “axe cut pork” and then they got to the desserts and ran out of 10th century adjectives. “Pillaged custard” anyone?

The 8 celebs were of course divided into teams of 4 with the blue team consisting of Rochenda, Dom, H and Jake. Rochenda very quickly rose to the ranks of Team Leader because she’s the human embodiment of a Viking war cry

whereas on the Red Team, Craig was bamboozled with leadership like the Vikings bamboozling Lindisfarne in 793AD

and he very quickly tried to democratise his way out of this, forgetting that full democracy within the UK isn’t even 100 years old

Dear Carrot Nerd, I’m free on Thursdays if you are. (I’m not, that’s one my D&D nights but I figured that you LARP as a viking so you’re probably into that? I play a historically accurate possessed goat called Daphne. HBU?)

The Vegetarians this year weren’t as overlooked as they usually are – potentially because in the vague allusion to historical accuracy most of the ingredients on offer were actually vegetables

and both teams ended up opting for Risottos which they were having to make with spelt. Of course Vito found himself in charge of the ahistorical Italian fare and rather broke my heart when he spent so much time getting really excited about the Vikings

and then was drowned in an Italian existentialism the likes of which we haven’t seen since Giacomo Leopardi because nobody wanted his risotto

that was until Tamer marched on over to the Viking longhall and committed a one man Viking raid of his own and forced a group of 5 women to go and be nice to Vito

Rochenda didn’t have the same problems, mostly because she just started serving it as a side to their absolutely massive chunks of roast pork

I might join my local LARPing group just for the roast dinners.

It was probably one of the better mass catering challenges, not even Vito’s underordered not-risotto risotto was a dud. The only dish that I side-eyed was Craig’s fish option because all it seemed to be served with was a pile of historically authenticated carrots

these people have been swinging halberds and wooden shields around in the rain for an hour for the love of God give them a carb, you’ve got enough neglected risotto going spare, just fling some of that on there!

Jake’s trout option was the more successful fish course. Which wasn’t surprising because he’d gone full method acting for it

I truly do not believe he was joking and someone had to have a long discussion about salmonella with him. I tried to find some facts about Vikings and food poisoning to further woo my Incident Carrot Obsessed Boyfriend with but only found this phenomenal factoid from the 1992 Super Bowl

I was born a week later and now believe I was the reincarnation of one of those bacteria riddled airline sandwiches. I’m a blight to sport in every lifetime.

The desserts were the expected options of fruit crumbles and pies. The baffling thing was the fact Harry, who has already dragged his feet through being forced to make a pear dessert

was once again having to make a pear dessert and the most leadership Craig ever showed was forcing Harry to taste the fruit like a big boy

“Here comes the democratic aeroplane, NYOOOOOOOM!”

His crumble did end up being perfectly good but he was very much overshadowed by Dom and H’s Apple and Fig Pie that came served with little pastry shields inspired by the ones the reenactors were using

I don’t think you’ll ever see a happier viking than this man, he was beyond thrilled by them

truly one of the most wholesome moments of television this year – it was really sweet and has me firmly rooting for H to win now. (lol, check again in two episodes’ time.)

[Nobody Liked That]

Given that the vegetarians had been adequately fed, we have to resort to other methods to decide the first casualty of Semi-final Week. This means that to decide the first elimination the celebs all had to cook a dish inspired by an ingredient they don’t like. Or in the case of Harry disapprove of which adds a real sense of morality to double cream

he did stress that it was a texture and smell thing for him – which I completely get. It smells like a dairy cow and makes the inside of your mouth feel like its been carpeted in moleskin fabric. So for his dish he was making a cream sauce to serve his pasta and cod with

as the judges pointed out – it’s not the most well designed dish and with the addition of the flatbread does look like the sort of thing you eat to carb load before your first marathon but end up oversleeping and not actually doing the marathon.

Given that everyone was cooking with food that they either didn’t like or had severe unaddressed childhood trauma about, there was a struggle to remain objective about what they were cooking. A problem that Vito and Jake overcame by developing a symbiotic sauce sampling relationship

we love the communist aeroplane.

Vito’s ingredient of choice was spinach, which you would probably be able to tell from the fact his plate of food look like The Great Gazoo had been splattered against someone’s windshield

that’s A LOT of spinach and I do think too much of the spinach sauce but his raviolo, with a soft yolk in the middle, was absolutely sensational

I do believe this is also the furthest a Strictly professional dancer has managed to get? They usually get cut at the quarterfinal by their on volition.

Jake’s gnocchi was less successful, John and Gregg loved his sauce so nobody can blame Vito

the problem was his gnocchi, a foodstuff he apparently hates on the grounds that its always tough like wellington boots

well John, now you know

Hi, it’s me. I’m the problem it’s me.

Tamer was taking other methods of coping with his disliked ingredient of choice, which in his case was the extremely relatable option of truffle

I’m too much of a pleb to even have a semblance of an opinion of a truffle. But because he can’t bare the smell of the money fungus he was going full cartoon character

I think I’m only surprised the clothes peg isn’t branded with the Louis Vuitton logo.

The actual dish that Tamer made though was very impressive, I don’t think we’ve ever had a beef wellington made this successfully on the show before

there’s enough there to share the wealth with everyone. Or at least there would be if Tamer wasn’t hoarding the truffle somewhere

that’s not very comrade wellington of you.

Unsurprisingly, livers reared their heads during this round with Craig deciding he was going to cook Lamb Livers, which are apparently the Goliath of livers

rumour has it that not even Harry can beat a lamb’s liver in a pugil stick fight.

Craig may hate livers, however I am built different and not like the other girls. One of the best plates of food I’ve ever eaten and can’t stop thinking about was a massive plate of deep-fried liver in Vienna. It came with nothing else, just me and what felt like 5kgs of a sheep’s hepatic system. Truly nonsense food. Craig’s was a much more sophisticated showcasing of liver

it sounded really delicious – so for now I call a truce on my inexplicable grudge. I’ve got bigger fish to fry…

This better be his premier episode outfit because I have SO MUCH to say about it that I cannot get sidetracked by because I have to talk about H potentially jumping the gimmicky gun with Ketchup of the Day

which was being served alongside a Fish and Chips Pie, a dish that confuses me a lot more than it probably should

it looks like something a very good village pub tries one time, then realises it’s actually just easier to offer fish and chips and the fish pie rather than forcing them into a marriage against their will.

The last of the main courses was from Dom who had chosen the aubergine as his weapon of choice in his quest to scrape through the entire competition as The Second Worst

he was at least being braver than just making it into a curry as is the usual fate that befalls the average Surprise Aubergine in the invention tests. I am however not sure that Beef and Aubergine Meatballs and Baba Ganoush with a Japanese inspired pickled aubergine salad was curveball we wanted

I don’t think we can really call this “a dish” it’s sort of a mezze that looks a bit like the Australian flag if you invert it

anything to not have to think about the baba ganoush and the Japanese pickled salad in the same mouthful.

Lastly we have Rochenda who was using this challenge as a very public call out of That One Friend Who Always Gives You Jam

Esther and Paddington Bear found dead in a ditch.

I did really, REALLY love the sound of her Marmalade Cake and Marmalade Frozen Yoghurt dessert though

I’m not a huge fan of piling a great big bouffant of spun sugar on top of a dessert and calling it ~fancy~ like your cake’s competing in a child beauty pageant and I think this could have been presented with a little more flare. I would however still demolish it. And seconds.

A Disliked Ingredient Dish Ranking:
1. I’ll Give This One To Tamer, That Was Impressive
2. Liver, Let Die
3. Why Is She Green!?
4. Little Miss Marmalade 1995
5. H’s Gimmick of the Day Pie
6. Dom’s Accidental Australian Aubergine Mezze
7. Harry’s Moral Dairy Dilemma
8. Jake’s Rubber Gnocchi

Following the final challenge it was definitely Harry, Dom and Jake all in the firing line. I did kind of hope Dom would go because I’m still not forgiving him for the Prawn Toast. However, it was time up for Jake’s Veneers and the man they use as a vessel

I’ll miss you, you glorious Daz advert of a human being.

And so, *mumbles the correct number* remain!