John Torode is currently suffering from chronic Youtube Thumbnail Face.

This episode we ponder: “Is a fried twig a garnish?” (It is not)

A Two Course Race

For the very first quarterfinal of the series, the celebs were cooking for returning contestants: finalist Kitty Scott-Claus now with her Global All Stars face

previous champion and new father to an orphaned duck, Riyadh Khalaf

and Joe Swash had time travelled back from 1947 to have his mind blown by a jalapeno

wait until he finds out that sugar isn’t rationed anymore and we don’t have to make birthday cakes out of potatoes.

The Great Jalapeno-ing of 2024 was courtesy of Edith who had started off her two course menu by throwing Italy, Mexico and The Nebulous Mass of Asia™ onto a plate with what she called a Carpaccio

but whoever had written her menu wasn’t going to dishonour Giuseppe Cipriani like that

and it very much was just a pile of steak, admittedly a very well cooked pile of steak but still very much the sort of thing the uncle you only ever see at a family reunion calls “his salad” to any vegetarian that has the unfortunate experience of entering his orbit during the buffet.

The “Edith needs to try harder” narrative would continue as her main course was just Aubergine Parmigiana. Her entire menu had an Italian theme (with an amorphous Asian dressing for… reasons?) The decision behind this being the revelation that she and Cat Deeley were the progenitors of the BBC Besties Doing Tours of Italy genre of light entertainment with the TV show Roadtripping

RELEASE IT FROM THE ARCHIVES. I want to know what the vibe was. It was 2002 so I imagine it was… not good BUT I WANT THE CANCELLABLE OFFENSE GNOCCHI!

Edith would realise that perhaps just the parmigiana would look a little bit unambitious and in a valiant attempt to add some flare she tried to make parmesan crisps

all she would end up doing was was ruining a non-stick frying pan

and so the next best thing was to… lightly fry sprigs of oregano as a garnish that looked a bit like the remnants at the bottom of the green bin that you’re too squeamish to scrape out

Edith Bowman, I adore you.

It was a very nicely cooked parmigiana and John was particularly impressed by the distinct layers

and while everyone critiqued the seasoning and texture of the aubergines, Joe Swash spun his wheels trying his best to just list aspects of an aubergine parmigiana because until now he thought Aubergine Parmigiana hosted Loose Women

I was waiting on bated breath for him to say “auberginey”.

While Edith accidentally became an acolyte of the James Buckley School of Putting As Few Things on a Plate as You Can Get Away With, Craig Doyle would come along with two very ambitious Ireland inspired dishes. That remember, he had definitely never managed to cook within the time limit before

and then come the day he miraculously doesn’t have a single upset and everything goes absolutely swimmingly and I have to deal with the mental impact of the subject of my inexplicable grudge making my ideal starter in the form of some perfectly cooked Black Pudding and Potato Croquettes

I will never recover from this, they looked and sounded amazing! So good in fact, Kitty was having a religious experience

and his main course of venison was similarly successful. The only real drama with Craig’s entire menu was whether he would be able to make his plum and port sauce. You’ll never guess how that ended up

I need him to fail just once, as much for himself as for me. Although, they could at least run the narrative of his plating being questionable considering the general murder scene vibe his venison had

but everyone loved it so I’m still waiting for Craig’s kryptonite or is he one of those Countryfile presenter types who is just miraculously good at everything? *shakes fists at Matt Baker and Helen Skelton*

H was the only one going for a Main and Dessert combo. Opting for a Sirloin Steak as his main course and serving it with… Not Chips™

instead it came with roasted tomatoes, garlic mushrooms and a chimichurri sauce

and if Joe Swash had had his world turned upside down by a sliver of jalapeno, the combination of garlic and a chimichurri sauce had put his brain through the ringer

remember when they dragged him to the final on vibes alone and then his final dessert was a meringue burger? BECAUSE I REMEMBER

my National Insurance Number? I don’t know her.
Desserts cooked by mid-tier reality TV stars? I am the encyclopedia.

Speaking of desserts cooked by mid-tier reality TV stars, H from Steps smashed together a Bread and Butter Pudding and Marmalade Toast for his Brioche and Marmalade Pudding inspired by his kids’ favourite breakfasts

big fan of the portion size – and he did owe it to everyone after forgoing chips. It was as crowd pleasing as you could expect from a thoroughly Nigella’d bread and butter pudding (her croissant bread and butter pudding is GOD TIER.)

A Two Course Menu Ranking:
1. Some Begrudgingly Good Croquettes
2. H’s Bread and Butter Paddington
3. Craig’s Unsurprisingly Good Venison
4. A Fried Twig Is Not A Garnish, Edith
5. Sirloin, Farewell!
6. A Very Confused Carpaccio

I think everyone knew Craig was going through the semis after the first challenge (I’m still mad about the sweetbreads) so that left a decision between H’s over investment or Edith actively trying to slip out the door unnoticed. She had one taste of the professional kitchen and thought “that’s enough for me” and came armed with two dishes she could put minimal effort into and leave

and I support her.

And so, we move on to Week 2!