Celebrity MasterChef 2023, Episode 9: Percival the Pub Pig

The doctors will see you now.

Keep a look out for that surprise rice.

A Two Course Race

Oh blessed was this auspicious day as they deigned the competition with the annual opening of the Honorary Andi Peters Grief Cupboard

and because apparently wrangling the previous 17 Celebrity MasterChef champions is like herding cats, this week we did not have a single champion on the panel, but we did have royalty

nothing but respect for MY King.
And who better to mediate the joining of Potato Royalty and a man who is on the verge of committing some sort of coup on this show at any one given moment than Vicky Pattison

I mean, I can think of numerous other people but segues have to segue.

Kicking off the quarterfinal was Wynne who was the only celeb choosing to forsake a dessert, however his Scallops and Cockle Popcorn starter would still prove to be a more substantial meal than Locksmith’s main course

and it has been a while since someone invoked the ancient MasterChef combination of Scallops and Chorizo, even if he only did it because he had to use that drunken pig purchase somehow

RIP Percival the Pub Pig, at least you died for a ringer, that’ll do

and Wynne would continue his success with his main course that mostly revolved around trying to make Chips, Cheese and Gravy fancy (the fanciness of the presentation left A LOT to be desired)

Dauphinois Potatoes are one of about 7 good constants in this world of unrelenting chaos and I truly believe they deserve better than to be served as a sad little pile – just put them in a ramekin, although Jamelia and Locky did seem to have used all of them in order to imprison a series of chocolate cakes for some reason. Everyone was very complimentary of the dish, especially the gravy and meatball. See guys, it’s not that hard to just say “meatball” and I get it, the word isn’t always a slur, least of all on a cookery show, but it does just nip all the sly, *nudge* *nudge* innuendo of it all in the bud.

Locky was next and had seemingly just googled “fancy food to cook to impress someone” and was coming in HOT with a piece of pan-fried Turbot in Brown Butter which was the extent of the dish and had everyone praying there’d be a miraculous carb somewhere

sadly their prayers fell on deaf ears and Locky’s main course was just a piece of very expensive fish in some fancy butter

and in his time spent making tiny little balls of cucumber for a very small salady sisyphus he forgot to put the capers on the plate so the diners got even less than they were hoping for.

Locky’s menu continued along the lines of MasterChef Jeopardy as he risked it big on the Chocolate Fondant with a Chantilly Cream and a Peanut Brittle that just became Some Peanuts™ because the brittle had not brittled

it did raise the question of whether it’s actually a chocolate fondant or just a cake in a ramekin. Sadly the debate was cut short because it was actually just entirely a gooey middle

I mean, it’s the best part of a chocolate fondant so…. net positive I guess?

Of course this meant that Jamelia was bringing the round to a close, starting her menu with a Cajun favourite – a Louisiana Boil, a sort of seafood stew that’s usually the centerpiece of a large social gathering

and as is customary, the diners did have to eat it while performing open heart surgery

Jimmy Bullard was a trendsetter after all

Jamelia’s success didn’t entirely continue into her dessert which was a Cherry and Chocolate Cake that was also entrapped within a ramekin prison for some reason (but it was a bigger ramekin, so she won that non-existent war)

everyone did really like the cake though, it was her Cherry Liqueur Syrup that caused consternation with Andi Peters very nearly spitting it out

the problem with the syrup remains a mystery to me because Andi and Rylan both agreed that it had a really burnt taste

while John/Gregg thought it was too sweet

and because everyone was focusing so much on the syrup, they all turned a blind eye to the true enemy, her Cherry Cream that was entering a state of plasmatic congelation

I don’t know why, it just upsets me and the chocolate shavings can try all they want to disguise it, IT’S FOOLING NOBODY.

An Unofficial Two Course Meal Dish Ranking
1. Wynne’s Short-lived-Pig ‘n’ Scallops
2. Jamelia’s Boiling Point
3. Wynne’s Reconstituted Chips, Cheese and Gravy
4. Locky’s Fish in Butter AND NOTHING ELSE.
5. Jamelia By Virtue of Her Cake Being Bigger
6. Locky’s Ramekined Gooey Middle

This Quarterfinal felt like more of a formality than anything else, Wynne is an obvious ringer and will be here until the final but won’t win because he has no ~journey~ and Jamelia is Jamelia and they’ll never get bored of anyone in her presence being forced to sing at least three bars of Superstar

so she wasn’t budging, and Locky, as sweet and lovely as he is, was the obvious choice for elimination

but I really do commend him for giving it a good go – a lot of the most passionate cooks wouldn’t have gone anywhere near a turbot while under that mush pressure.

And so, we enter the final heat! Can Dianne Buswell survive long enough for a halfhearted Strictly 2020 Reunion? Her Instagram says “doubtful”…

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