Drag Race UK, Series 3, Episode 5: Three Guinea Pig Pile-up

The new Sugababes line-up looks interesting.

I don’t even know how to summarise this episode other than the fact it was pretty much an incoherent mess from beginning to end.

And Then There Were Still Eight

Big fan of everyone having to come in after the double save and make sure to say how good a lipsync it had been and then the very next day just outright mocking Scarlett for the feeble hanky waving – I particularly enjoyed the use of Dido as a verb.
Chat very quickly turns to the fact that after 4 queens just won a joint challenge, this does of course leave only Charity and Kitty as non-badge owners which Charity (presumably because she was realising her fate) seemed significantly less bothered by than Kitty who was determined to win one by playing to her strengths

As they say, be careful what you wish for. And when you do wish on the Monkey’s Paw, maybe make sure to specify “without having to pretend to take a shit.”, just in case.

A Comedy of Terriers

For this week’s mini challenge, someone in the production team was working through some… stuff, as the queens were tasked with getting into “quick doggy drag” and “quick dog handler drag” and if you’re wondering what “quick dog handler drag” looks like, apparently its looking like the sort of image that someone posts in the Princess Diana Memorial Facebook page to troll the sort of people who collect royal memorial dinnerware

Are Diana, The People’s Princess.
Of course the whole thing had to be done in pairs, which gave us what is likely to be the highlight of the series as Scarlett immediately clung to Charity as her partner and Charity just disengaged from her and walked away like Scarlett didn’t even exist

this was about as good as the mini challenge got to be perfectly honest, except for maybe the fact Charity’s quick doggy drag did look like it could have been one of her mainstage runway looks

and it was quite frankly rude of Kitty not to invoke one of her Very Obscure Pop Culture References and dress up as Piella Bakewell and give as the full Wallace and Gromit: A Matter of Loaf and Death fantasy

not that I was totally dissatisfied with her wildly flailing beanbag tits

is it possible to retroactively give them a badge?
But apparently we’re continuing the No Wins For Kitty or Charity Under Any Circumstances and the winners are instead Krystal and Scarlett

because RuPaul apparently didn’t appreciate the death defying stunts of one River Medway or Choriza May dressing up as demi-poodle Natasha Fatale

Robbed queens continue to be robbed queens.

A Comedy of Terrors

For this week’s Main Challenge the queens were given the opportunity to make advertisements for home assistant Draglexa, which only further proves the fact you can’t just put the word “drag” in front of something to make it funny. Unlike the usual format for the product-based advertisement challenges, the queens had to do it in teams of four, which is probably more to blame for how bad this challenge ended up being than the fact RuPaul didn’t cast a casually disinterested eye over Kitty’s 6 page storyboard.
Kitty is naturally first choice for Scarlett and ultimately the the last choices coming down to being between Ella Vaday’s Slowly Waning Theatre Kid Energy and Charity Kase with Scarlett exacting her glorious revenge by leaving Charity as an obligatory member of Krystal’s team. The final team set ups being:
Scarlett, Kitty, Choriza and Ella
Krystal, River, Vanity and Charity.

This challenge was pretty much an unmitigated disaster, maybe not quite on the same level as The Church of Mariah Carey Nosediving Into a Six-way Lipsync Hell but there was a lot more shouting involved, which is saying something because we all remember Honey Davenport’s singing voice. I think the biggest issue was the utter lack of direction that the queens were given as immediately they began a debate about whether Draglexa should just be played as a voice or if it should be a literal drag queen summoning device – it turns out both options were equally unfunny when presented in the style of a Dick & Dom in Da Bungalow segment. I really cannot emphasise how much shouting there was. It also doesn’t help that they were being directed by Michelle Visage who seemed to be channelling the spirit of Dan Savage

Michelle, you do realise that these are drag queens performing on RuPaul’s Drag Race and that these adverts aren’t real? Like you do know you are currently talking to a person called Choriza May?
What Michelle should really have been focusing on was the fact everyone had made the decision to shout their lines as loudly as possible with the entirety of Team Scarlett for some reason doing varying degrees of Kim Woodburn, which Scarlett herself was punctuating with looks to camera like a vamping gecko

we never really got an answer as to why she was doing this?
On a plus for the team though, I think this might be my favourite look that Ella Vaday has thus far worn

I just think her style of padding really suits this kitschy aesthetic. Also Choriza May was back in her powersuit wheel house, which sadly spent most of its screen time swaddled beneath various blankets

as for Kitty, well she had been relegated to Chief Shitter, which you know, would in many other iterations of this challenge have very much appealed to the Squatty Potty shilling RuPaul but this is BAFTA Hunting RuPaul who is looking for a more refined and nuanced sense of humour

Much better.

The other team didn’t have a much better time of it, although there was thankfully less questionable accent work. They did however have a leadership contention as Krystal very much didn’t want to take the wheel in a comedy challenge, although given that she has kind of grown up with Drag Race as a kind of sense-of-humour-foundation, had she taken a little more authority this team probably could have done better. However, Charity Kase stepped in and directed them down the route of parodying vintage adverts – which is usually a recipe of success on this show because if there’s one thing RuPaul can relate to it’s things from the 80s. This parody never really truly materialised though except maybe in River Medway’s outfit

it’s very Faye Dunaway as Joan Crawford.
This team did at least maybe manage to have the one funny moment between the two adverts – that is if we’re not counting Scarlett’s Joan Crawford shouting “NO HANGING WIRES EVER!” that never fully managed to claw its way into existence but boy was she proud of it

the Joan Crawfording aside, Vanity’s bit about being greasy and then being walloped with setting powder at least made me giggle

as a bit, it at least made sense – God knows what the resolution to Krystal looking like Sideshow Bob making limp blow job jokes was

but you know, at least she was doing *something* because despite being suddenly abandoned to write the script herself, Charity, who was very proud of her part and believed it showed her worth in the competition, had given herself a role where she had maybe 2 lines and then spent most of her screen time pretending to sleep

it’s not exactly a recipe for success is it? But at least it did mean she lowered the average decibel level of the group which probably should have earned them the win.

Expensive Taste

The runway category this week was almost certainly a direct dig at Joe Black and Tia Kofi, with the queens needing to wear looks that looked as expensive as possible. What I would have given for someone to walk out in that H&M dress with a £1000 price tag attached to it.

First up was Ella in a very pretty black number

As the judges said the dress is gorgeous, I personally don’t know how much I like the back of it with the fringing – it just made me think of silverfish which isn’t the most glamorous imagery in invoke

but it at least slightly distracted from the fact she was wearing a wig that looked like a cross between Bette Midler’s Hocus Pocus wig and the hats DEVO wear

at least it had height?

Scarlett was next and just doing Patsy Stone cosplay

the intention may have been Miranda Priestly though but I think Scarlett is just doomed to always look like a British sitcom character. I really like the look though and thought her makeup looked stunning

what’s looks more expensive than bottled up, simmering rage while looking like you’re made out of marble?

Following Scarlett was Kitty Scott-Claus

I really like this and I think she looks phenomenal, it’s a super flattering look. I do think we could have maybe had a few more of the coins, it’s a little sparse but still at least achieving a certain degree of opulence. I can’t say the same for the three guinea pig pile-up that’s happening on her head though

it’s kind of letting the sleekness of the catsuit down a little bit. Had she wrangled it into a semblance of a chignon, it might have been a perfect look and enough to forgive the pantomime shitting.

Choriza May was next and dressed as Wonder Woman at a rodeo

The judges really hated this and while I don’t think it’s the most expensive looking outfit of the bunch, it’s at least a lot of fun and her hair and makeup were GORGEOUS

that pin-up vampy villainess look is probably always going to appeal to me and I think it’s doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of making this outfit look “expensive”. I wish there was a touch more definition in the cupid’s bow to give it more of a lip-shape though.
I’m as shocked as you are that she didn’t have a power suit ready and waiting for this runway.

Cousin It was next

if there’s one thing Krystal has well and truly perfected it’s the art of the needlessly dramatic non-reveal

this look is good in that very expected Krystal kind of way. It’s not exactly setting the world alight and I’m a little confused as to the decision behind the makeup which looks like she’s applied some sort of spot treatment to help with an allergic reaction

the glittery catsuit also comes with the dilemma of “what shoes do I wear to make this look cohesive” and I’m not sure beige mesh ankle boots were the best option

But I do like them. For me. On your average Tuesday.

And then quite frankly pissing all over the runway and chewing everyone up was River Medway

The regality, the opulence, the fact she just looked so proud and happy to be wearing it? It was runway perfection and quite frankly one of the best outfits to grace the Drag Race UK runway across all three series.

Our penultimate queen was Charity Kase, doing as Charity Kase does and dressing as some sort of nightmarish toothfairy

Honestly? I’m mostly just glad she wasn’t wearing teeth like the Candle Cove Tooth Child. But I did find it very funny with her introducing the look as “I’m the toothfairy coming to steal… your mother’s jewellery!” – the character story might have got away from her a little bit.
It is however an impeccable look but of course after 5 episodes of kind of falling back on these almost creature-design-esque looks (which I personally am all for) the judges are a little bored and Michelle gives her the dreaded “But what if you did this but pretty?” critique, which was essentially the final nail in Charity’s Drag Race coffin.

And lastly we have Vanity who had come dressed as the sort of lampshade B&Q stocks but nobody ever buys

I’m not in love with the bodysuit, not because it’s a bodysuit, I just think the beads are all a little clunky – I imagine she made quite the racket while walking down that runway. I did however think her makeup looked really pretty tonight

that blend from the soft pink into the black is gorgeous and I just really loved the softness of the look with that bubbling red curl. I think they’re being a little harsh on her when it comes to her face.

An Expensive Drag Runway Ranking

  1. River Medway by a Country Mile
  2. Kitty Scott-Claus’s Loose Change
  3. Charity Kase’s Kleptomaniac Dental Nightmare
  4. Scarlett Harlett’s Patsy Stone Cosplay
  5. Ella’s Vaday’s Dress, Back and All
  6. Krystal Does as Krystal Does
  7. Vanity Milan, Furnished by B&Q
  8. Ella Vaday’s DEVO Sanderson Wig

As a result of the challenge being mostly unwatchable, please send your condolences because I had to watch these twice, nobody is given the win – although based on her runway and generally being a watchable performance, River Medway probably should have been given the badge but I understand not wanting to reward any part of this challenge.
Rather mercifully we aren’t forced to go through a multiple queen lipsync, we’ve already had one Queen whaling widow herself off that stage, we don’t need another. The bottom two essentially coming down to whoever captained the teams so it’s Scarlett vs Charity 2: Forgone Conclusion Boogaloo!

Spend Your Time Wisely

In keeping with the runway theme, the lipsync song was Big Spender which naturally put Scarlett in a better position because her look better fed into the song, not that I didn’t get a real kick out of Charity spoopying her way around that stage like one of the goblins from Noddy getting a big musical number.
But Scarlett was out for redemption for last week’s limp hanky and had Monopoly money to burn

it was a significantly stronger lipsync for Scarlett this week, not that Charity completely rolled over and didn’t bother but hers never really went beyond wiggling her fingers and creeping about and when she did try to interact with Scarlett, well…

I think that was the moment Scarlett well and truly won – that’s NERVE.

It does of course mean that Charity Kase finds herself eliminated

Goddamn, Veronica Green can’t have anything can she?
It’ll certainly mean the runways are a little less interesting every week. I’m just looking forward to finding out what her finale look would have been.

And so, 7 Queens remain as we inch ever closer to a potential calamity of a Snatch Game

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