The women were too stunned to speak.

Right in front of my salad?

Oh Crepe!

FINALLY! The Invention Test, my beloved! Sorry to The Clock, but it was here first. I do think it might have been a bit of a dud start, especially because Invention a Pancake in this round and Jay Rayner forcing them to make a salad in the next round feel a little bit too similar in concept? Granted, they had the time to plan their salad, in the case of Michael maybe a bit *too much* time…

As much as the lack of planning made him anxious for an Invention Test, I think he was greatly benefited by not having the time to extrapolate into erecting a stack of American-style Pancakes that tell the story of the American Civil War. Instead he only got as far as pondering “What if pasta but pancake?”

I actually think these might be… good? A pancake filled with ragu topped with bechamel? Lovely! The judges were a bit picky about the presentation but I don’t have that big an issue with this? Granted, I do also have the benefit of hindsight to be able to say “At least it’s not purple.”

on the grand scheme of the Michael Grading System, I’m just relieved that his Pancakellonis don’t fill me with the same dread that The Enigma of Amigara Fault does? Don’t worry, it doesn’t last long! If you’d asked me to guess which contestant was about to throw miso bacon, pistachio custard and avocado at a stack of pancakes that look like someone tried to fry the tongue of a shoe, I would have given Michael a stern look

but this was the doing of Rosdip who needed constant supervision because every time the judges looked away he’d, like a Weeping Angel making 3am drunk-dinner, make a new and intriguingly baffling decision

the aubergine did not in fact make it onto the dish, which is the one positive thing you could say about Rosdip’s pancakes. Rosdip wasn’t the only one overdoing things as Maddie “Yes, and”-ed her way through a recipe like the Chinese drive-thru scene in “Dude Where’s My Car?”

completely unable to stop herself from adding more to the dish, begging for the sweet release of death lest she start promising a creme brulee and world peace (that’s Sabina’s job)

her concept for Black Forest Pancakes was pretty great! She just sort of over-egged it

but I do also think it’s important that MasterChef at least occasionally give representation to the sort of nonsense you see on a kid’s menu and wish that you, as a 34 year old, could order. God forbid I don’t want the 15th iteration of an Apple Crumble! I want the silly ice cream sundae that could sink the Titanic!

I was surprised that the majority of the contestants had gone for savoury pancakes – I don’t actually know what to classify Rosdip’s combination of Pistachio Custard, Bacon and Avocado as? It’s sort of the Nonbinary Icon of menu options – it is everything, it is nothing, it probably goes by the name Sock. The remaining contestants were giving us a whirlwind tour of global cuisine, Jhané being the most “experimental” by making the lateral move from pancake to tortilla and just doing tacos

they were probably the most successful of the lot with Grace and Anna both really loving the balance of her pulled oyster mushrooms and the two different salsas. Jim was almost there with his Sri Lankan Roll filled with pork belly and prawns inspired by pre-dinner short eats

ultimately he probably just didn’t need to add the prawns which Anna was struggling to pick up in her portion. But as good as his flavours were, his actual pancakes were technically amongst the weaker attempts

but Sabina hadn’t had much more success with her attempt at a Korean potato pancake (Gamja-jeon) having added a few too many excessive extra vegetables to the batter turning it into the Sailcat of fritters

she was just trying to get as far away from her husband’s sunday morning pancakes as she possibly could

Sabina saying that he’ll sit there and be happy she deigned him with a mention <3

she’s so mother.

A Pancake Invention Test Ranking:
1. Jhané’s Pantacos
2. Somehow, Michael Has Turned
3. Maddie’s Evening of Improv
4. Falling Slightly Short… Eat Roll
5. Sabina’s Husband, Please Stop, Immediately
6. Rosdip’s Stack o’ Everything

You Don’t Win Friends With Salad

The first critic to be setting their quarterfinal decider was Jay Rayner, who wanted the contestants to make him a salad

it’s one of those very briefs that requires a very deceptive amount of restraint to overthink it in order to overcompensate for the salad of it all. Unfortunately, Michael is a chronic thinker, just never stops. He didn’t get his friends a wedding gift and it has been eating him up inside ever since

and finally, Jay Rayner had presented him with the perfect opportunity to make it up to Inigo and Maria. I can only imagine that after witnessing the purple airbrushed mornay sauce beside the mandarin segments and boiled eggs

that everyone now opens gifts from Michael like the box scene from Seven because there’s a not 0% chance of it being the severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow rendered in watermelon lasagne

it was a completely incomprehensible plate of food and raises more questions than I think Michael himself could ever actually answer. Anna had to go stand in the corner like the end of The Blair Witch Project and sort of just mumble the components to herself while pulling this face

and that was BEFORE she found out that the Mornay Sauce would be a shade of Broodmother Purple! I did find out that Michael is big Warhammer player and that at least explains the unstoppable urge to get the airbrush out

the lilac mornay sauce was very nearly Jay Rayner’s thirteenth reason and I think the only thing that kept him hanging on was Sabina’s World Peace Salad that aimed to bring harmony to the middle east…

all in favour of trying to open the Strait of Hormuz with Falafels and cup of Puffed Rice say “aye”

and it might work! The judges raved about her dish and my God I would kill for a takeaway box of it to go and sit in the park with right now. The only person that came close to matching her was Jhané who did a really great Crispy Thai Pork Belly Salad

I could also take that right now!

Rosdip was back on slightly more solid ground, returning to Nepalese cuisine with his Mustard Leaves and Buckwheat Salad

the judges loved the presentation and I can only imagine Michael looked down at his plate and felt the first twinge of realisation that he’d painted a tortilla purple. That was where Rosdip’s compliments ended because they all felt that his mustard and tamarind dressing was too mustardy and the vegetables in his salad just kind of boring. It was always going to be a bit of a coin toss between Rosdip and Jim as to who would be eliminated alongside Michael’s GCSE art exhibits and Maddie throwing six horse divorces at a plate because she forgot what a salad is

and I wish Rosdip had done a little better because I thought Jim’s barely convincing Nicoise Salad was a boring idea

the judges were perplexed by the lack of eggs, at which point I think Michael looked down at his boiled eggs lying amongst the mandarin segments and cod and thought he was on to a winner…

I want to make it abundantly clear that I know Remojon Andaluz is a legitimate salad and *maybe* Michael would’ve actually been on to more of a winner if he’d stopped before throwing Lord Commanding Tortilla of the Imperium, Roboute Guilliman on the plate.

An Unofficial Salad Ranking:
1. Love Love Peace Peace: The Salad
2. Jhané’s Thai Breaker
3. Jim’s Niquoibliase Salad
4. Maddie’s Plate of Horse Divorces
5. Rosdip Takes Us To Meh-pal
6. Michael’s TPK

The quarterfinal was always bound to catch up with Maddie because she understands the mechanics of time about as well as the Insane Clown Posse understands magnets

so while her various crab and corn appetisers were lovely, it wasn’t really the brief and was just about not even really on the plate, so we say goodbye to her

and unfortunately I do have to sunset my anthropological study on Michael

nothing but respect for him doing it for all the dorks around the world – he’s left his mark on the competition and will have a portrait hung in the MasterChef Hall of Fame. Shine on you you crazy diamond! I’ll never forget you for I have been changed, for good.

I did think it was going to be a complete Episode 1 vs Episode 2 wipeout coming into this quarterfinal because the gulf between the vibes was pretty cavernous. However, Rosdip did not have a good episode and I’m gutted to be losing him here