I’m not sure what he thought the judging criteria was.

Are you ready to mince?

Operation Mincemeat

For their Invention Test our last group of quarterfinalists were looking down the barrel of four little ramekins of mince

the options being Beef, Lamb, Pork and Chicken.
It is quite a limiting Invention Test because as much as Marcus hints that he wants a gourmet frankenburger

nobody is going to make you a hamburger in a competition that prioritises fine dining, so I’m sorry Mimi but you’re getting a procession of minces in various wrappings. The only chef not contributing to Mince Christmas was Gareth, who was instead doing the traditional Meatball Night that he, his children and his Big Chicken Wife enjoy every week

my little brother thinks that all we eat at my house is meatballs because every time he comes over I seem to be in the midst of making or eating meatballs. I would like to refute these claims, but I do also make a mean meatball! I do also know that it is impossible to present meatballs in a way that doesn’t look like a Tuesday night meal for a family of 4

however, amongst the consommes and artfully bedazzled lettuce leaves one does have to admire the bravery of the bowl

Marcus has officially found his Brave Little Boy that he will protect at all costs until the final. And I don’t mind, I quite like Gareth – he’s the perfect level of slightly overly sincere cringe, every dish comes with a completely unprompted personal anecdote.

The other three were all going with much more MasterChef-y dishes, Anthony going for the time honoured approach of elevating a favourite take-away although I have never in my life heard anyone say Yuk Sung was their favourite but… much like Pokemon, I guess everything is eventually someone’s favourite

and to be fair, his bagworm-y lettuce did look more delicious than the phrase “bagworm-y lettuce” implies

I have some concerns about textural interest of the dish and if he could’ve done something to elevate it in that regard instead of making 2 sauces. The judges however had no qualms with it and I suppose for a dish he had to fart out in an hour, it does show a lot of inventiveness.
Caroline was also going for a Chinese dish, opting to make Prawn and Pork Gyozas in a Beef Consomme that she often cooks for a client of hers during Chinese New Year

it is an outrageously good dish, she’s going to be an absolute force to be reckoned with in this competition after whipping out the best consomme Marcus has ever seen off the top of her head

and I’m sure Giuseppe was relieved that he’d pivoted away from the chicken consomme he had promised to instead serve his Tortellini Emiliani in a Chicken Veloute

he was clearly feeling a lot of pressure to deliver a perfect plate of pasta and I do think he’s so passionate about Italian food that it might kill him one day

and you certainly know it was cooked from the heart, the way he looked at his tortellini was the same look someone gives their dog when they get home after work

and luckily for him and his beloved pedigree pasta, the judges really loved the dish and were very complimentary of the pivot to a veloute as it added a little more texture and body to the dish.

An Unofficial Mince Dishes Ranking:
1. Caroline’s Consummate Consomme
2. Giuseppe’s Thoroughbred Tortellini
3. The Bravest Little Bowl of Meatballs
4. Anthony’s Bagworm of Lettuce

Critic Season

A truly uniquely nuke-worthy gathering of critics this week in the dining room

I don’t know that much about April Jackson but every year I do have to look her up and relearn that she spawned from the cesspit of The Apprentice which sets off all of my threat responses. However, she did get fired for refusing to moonlight as a gardener during a challenge and I do find that to be extremely relatable diva behaviour. I wonder if Caroline serving up a Scallop that’d been pulled backwards through a hedge brought back memories

aside from the perfect cooking of the scallop, the rest of the dish felt a touch insignificant because she’d cut it all so fine. And probably because it was mostly celery, which contributes about as much to any given plate of food as April Jackson does to power-washing a patio.
Caroline’s main course was more successful with the critics, although I screamed when she started plating it up because it does look like the pokemon evolution of Seb’s Wartime Guineafowl Rations

if you use a Leaf Stone on it, it finally evolves into a full meal.

We did of course end up with a pair of dueling halibuts in the room as Anthony and Gareth went head-to-head over fish courses. Both of them ended up going down very well with the judges, but I do think that as boring as it is to see the umpteenth Fancy Fish & Chips trotted out like a bear in a Soviet Circus, Gareth’s take was the better dish

if not for the intrigue of the nori beer batter scraps on the side

then almost certainly because Anthony’s was some sort of pagan seafood ritual of truly baffling proportions

it’s *so* close to nearly looking like a complete plate of food. It needs at least two more potatoes and could honestly probably have 1 less spoonful of Fennel Jam. I do appreciate the generosity of two langoustine tails though – you’re lucky to get one for a starter on this show.
Imaginably because Anthony’s main course has a higher GDP than most African nations, his Pearl Barley Risotto was a lot less flashy

nobody was particularly excited before they tasted it – how could you be after seeing Langoustines, Halibut, Scallops and someone called Giuseppe making a Panna Cotta on the menu? But everyone raved about it. I am of the opinion that foams are a thing of the devil and only make your plates of food look in severe need of a vaccination.

Gareth had opted for a dessert and is going to have some serious explaining to do when he gets home

I hope he gets home to his wife dramatically turning round in an office chair with the Reese’s on her lap. (Check the box of cereal that only he eats, that’s always the stash, diva.)
As the president of the Peanut Butter Cup Appreciation Society, I was very excited by his chocolate and peanut dessert but GOOD GOD, I don’t hate this presentation

it’s an assortment of glacé cherries short of being the sort of malevolent evil party food Fanny Cradock puts out into the world. The judges however were more taken with its fussiness than I was, but thought the balance of the dish was way off. They loved the chocolate delice and the peanut mousse but the whisky gel wasn’t letting anyone drive home that night

Monica was struggling to form coherent sentences by the end of it all

it was not a very successful episode for desserts with Giuseppe making a Basil Panna Cotta in the most chaotic manner he could think of and setting the blast chiller to Antarctic summer temperatures

the texture was hit and miss with everyone – the critics all thought it was too firm

while Marcus and Monica were actually reasonably happy with it – imaginably because their expectations were on the floor after witnessing it being subjected to a nuclear winter

but the bigger problem was that it wasn’t so much a dessert as it was a starter with how savoury and herbaceous the whole thing was – the olive oil shortbread doing nothing to help the situation

and unfortunately for Giuseppe he needed to really knock the dessert out of the park given how so-so everyone was on his Duck and Allotment main course they were

he was mostly letdown by the fact his duck was overcooked because instead of resting it like a normal person, he’d decided to mummify it in j-cloths

which just meant that the duck carried on cooking, leaving it to start going dry and grey around the edges.

An Unofficial Two Course Menu Dish Ranking:
1. The Million and Oneth Fancy Fish and Chips
2. Caroline Main, The Half-portion Pokemon
3. Anthony’s Penny Pinching Risotto
4. Anthony’s Occult Halibut Sacrifice
5. Caroline’s Half-good Half Shell
6. Gareth’s Sweet Trust Issues
7. Giuseppe’s Accidental Starter
8. Giuseppe’s Duck Graveyard

It was unfortunate that after the strongest Invention Test of the series that the final decision after the Two Course Menus was so easy. Giuseppe seemed to get in his own way and in his need to move at the speed of light made some very silly little mistakes that I’m sure he’d never make in any other circumstances, so ultimately Giuseppe leaves as just a Quarterfinalist

you’ll always be my King, Giuseppe.