I’ve honestly never been more baffled by a plate of food in my life.

Time to play Hide The Peas!

Yolking Around

For our penultimate Skills Test, Matthew Ryle was throwing back to his own ordeal with an Egg Yolk Raviolo and Cacio e Pepe Sauce

and for the love of God, nobody tell Italy how this Cacio e Pepe sauce was made – the BBC cannot go through that humiliation ritual again

still thinking about Nicola, the Vatican Sandwich Lady

I might send her a bowl of Lana’s concoction like the mafia leaving a horse’s head in someone’s bed

in the avoidance of making myself a part of this international pasta sauce hate crime, I best stress that not a single person this episode actually made a Cacio e Pepe sauce so I hope Anthony isn’t too attached to calling himself Half-Italian

and despite having only made a single raviolo, he’d made enough of his Ceci N’est Pas Une Cacio e Pepe to wrongly coat all the spaghetti in southern Italy with

unfortunately he had not left himself enough time to grate the entire block of pecorino so his sauce was a little thin, but he did have a perfectly runny egg yolk

and considering he’d lost some time having to make a second raviolo because he burst the egg yolk during the first one

I think Anthony did really well and they were a touch harsh on him, most likely because he’d gone after Lana and she’d unarguably had the better time even if she had made a Cacio e Pepe sauce wearing a fake moustache

she does however later prove that her best raviolo is a surprise raviolo.

Give an Inch and Take A Mille Feuille

Seeing out the Skills Tests this year was a pastry challenge that saw the last two contestants doing their best to create a Poached Pear and Hazelnut Praline Mille Feuille

Gareth had the easier time because his competitor, Seb, was unfamiliar with the entire concept of a Mille Feuille and looked ready to throw his entire culinary career in the bin the moment he was given the challenge

and Matt looked equally ready to call it quits on his new title of MasterChef judge by the time Seb had finished doing the beep test between the workstation and the fridge

I was slightly shocked that a chef wouldn’t know what a Mille Feuille is, especially one that works in fine dining. And Seb shall go to his grave stubbornly refusing to know what a Mille Feuille is as he served up a plate of puff pastry and cream sandwiches (nobody tell the Vatican Sandwich Lady)

both he and Gareth made the mistake of not weighing their puff pastry sheets down when cooking them. Although Gareth did know that was what he was meant to do

but couldn’t find a tray and refused to take any help from the judges, seemingly convinced they were playing a trick on him like a trio of bridge trolls

he did end up with more of a Mille Feuille but he couldn’t risk more than two sheets of pastry for fear of losing a centre of balance

COWARD.

Some Final Signature Pun

We haven’t had a straight up Capital-B Bad™ dish so far this series, it’s actually been an extremely cohort. Then Seb walked into this round and said “Hold my extremely careful rationing of Guineafowl”

and I was prepared to roll my eyes and defend Seb on the grounds that ridiculously small portion sizes haven’t been a problem with the judges thus far. Then the plate came out and I absolutely lost my freaking mind because WHAT IS THIS, BABE?

it’s like someone took an artful portrait of prison food. It’s barely worth even humouring it with a critique because it’s nigh on nutritionally and artistically defunct – it offers NOTHING and has no purpose. He had over an hour and he pan-fried 2 guineafowl breasts, boiled some peas, made a madeira sauce and roasted 3 lettuce leaves? THE PEAS AREN’T EVEN A PUREE! They’re just stuffed in that lettuce leaf like marbles in a damp sock

I’m being mean, I know, but this wouldn’t have even passed muster on a regular series 15 years ago. I can’t fathom how he thought this was a competition ready dish.

Moving on to dishes that actually had a chance – Lana was our Designated Halibutee, serving it with a Nettle and Wild Garlic Raviolo, broccoli and Hen of the Woods Mushrooms

there’s more food on that single plate than Seb even had on his workbench. I appreciate the abundance but I’m not sure how well it all hangs together as a cohesive dish? There were also a few bits of contention on her overall cookery, especially the raviolo which was a slight downgrade over her Skills Test effort for how dry the lawn trimmings filling was

but the bigger issue was the sauce, which she’d proudly declared would be impossible to think was under-seasoned

Chekhov’s Under-seasond Sauce wasn’t the issue though, quite the opposite

and because of his sodium levels nearing oceanic levels Marcus now has to go on a two week diet in which he eats Seb’s bulking meal for ants at every meal.

Even more unfortunate for Seb was the fact Gareth had basically made the Single Sliver of Poultry a Vegetable Cylinder that your girlfriend tells you not to worry about

the pops of colour really help it not look like 1939 rationed roast dinner. As does the fact it’s a dish inspired by love (and she definitely said “I loved your DUCK”)

and not spite

you really should approach every challenge in MasterChef as though you’re aiming to start a kitchen table polycule

Monica, get ready to be ✨duckmatized✨

Lastly we have Anthony who was risking it on a loin of lamb with a few contemporary Italian touches like the stuffed courgette flower and deep-fried polenta, which sounded amazing

I can’t say I love the plating but it does at least look like a real plate of food and everything seems to go together. It would probably be greatly improved by opting for a less vascular plate.

An Unofficial Signature Dish Ranking:
1. Gareth’s Polycule Gathering Duck (IT SAYS “DUCK”)
2. Anthony’s Vascular Italiana
3. Lana’s Second Best Raviolo
4. Seb’s Plate of Nutritional Redundancy

Seb was practically binned at the judging table – I’m genuinely surprised they didn’t just tell him there and let him get the slightly earlier bus home. In the end our last quarterfinalists were Gareth and Anthony

I’m sad for Lana, I think she did so well with a very tricky Skills Test and her Signature Dish was by no means a complete disaster – it’s a salvageably good concept.