We’ll always have the Caper Brownie.

SOUND THE SIREN, MY GRUDGE IS DEAD.

Savoury-ing This Sweet Moment

In order to decide which three contestants were going on to Knock-out Week, the hopefuls were being put through a Critic’s Challenge as a third Awful Man™ hits the MasterChef Kitchen in the form of William Sitwell

his brief was for the contestants to summon the ghost of Heat 1 Penelope by either cooking a savoury dish utilising a traditionally sweet ingredient or a sweet dish using a traditionally savoury ingredient. In order to make sure this was a safe culinary seance, Claire was purifying the room with a bushel of sage in the hopes of placating Penelope’s ghost

I did think this was an odd brief to come from William Sitwell, a man seemingly completely devoid of whimsy and joy

wanting to ban something you’ve never tried before? I wouldn’t expect anything less from a Conservative that names his children like me brainstorming names for gnomes ahead of a D&D session

Alice, you got off lightly.

The brunch conversation started because there were two Chicken and Waffle dishes in the room – the first being Jordan’s take on Korean Fried Chicken served with a Vanilla Waffle

nobody was massively enthralled by it, which is fair because it’s a dish you can probably find in any restaurant that opens at 10am on a Saturday. However, I did think it was weird that they all then waxed lyrical about Shaun’s Chicken and Maple Bacon with a Waffle that was straight out of an Epic Meal Time video circa 2010 as rendered by an airport lounge restaurant

this plate of food unironically uses the phrase “Epic Bacon” and knows exactly how much karma is has on Reddit. I’m sure it tasted great but I don’t see how it was any more or less exciting, original or adept than Jordan’s.

The last of the supposedly savoury dishes was from Claire, who was taking us to North America with her S’mores Beef that she’d dusted with cocoa powder and served with a Graham Cracker Crumb and Sweet Potato Marshmallow Whip

it got a very mixed reception – the cocoa dusted steak, while beautifully cooked, veered just a little bit too sweet. However, the Sweet Potato Marshmallow was labelled “a revelation” that nobody thought would work. Clearly some people are deeply unfamiliar with Thanksgiving Special episodes of American TV where a coin is flipped to decide whether the Pumpkin Pie or the Sweet Potato and Marshmallow side dish is essential to the plot

Gossip Girl had 3 plots: “Serena van der Woodsen Kisses a Boy”, “Blair Waldorf Throws a Party” and “Pumpkin Pie!” and all too frequently it was all three at the same time.

The desserts is where everything got very messy with the only one to get out unscathed being Gon and his Creme Brulee Sweet Potato which worked for much the same reasons as Claire’s Sweet Potato Marshmallow Fluff

this makes my mouth water in exactly the same way that the bug platter Timon offers Simba in The Lion King does

I think about that grub more than anyone probably should think about that grub

sure, the food shots in Studio Ghibli films are gorgeous and incredibly appetising – but I just wanna eat that horrible shiny grub.

While we’re on the topic of horrible things served on a leaf, here’s Beth’s Caper and Redcurrant Brownie which she’s looking at life imprisonment for

the spirit of Penelope had to find a vessel and Beth was very much her conduit. Is it an unfathomably poorly conceptualised dish? Yes. Do I like that she essentially held William Sitwell at gunpoint and forced him to have a terrible time? Also yes. Women can commit atrocities as a treat, sometimes.

Lastly we have Finley, who I thought I was going to get to mine at least 2 weeks of content out of, and then he began scooping what looked like scrambled egg onto his Basil and Matcha Tiramisu and I knew it was curtains for him

hasn’t Italian food been through enough this week? Between the Italian Embassy issuing a cease and desists over BBC Good Food’s Cacio e Pepe recipe

and Brooklyn Beckham calling this a Carbonara mere hours later just to rub salt into the wound

I think Finley’s Tiramisu might be what finally gets Italy to drop a nuclear 🤌 and who could blame them?

the whole thing being described as “mashed potato gone wrong” is upsetting in of itself, but then they also kept having to cut to the pot of basil ice cream that looked more similar to the infamous Swamp Ass candle than anything ever should

I for one welcome our new Italian Overlords.

A Sweet-Savoury Dish Ranking:
1. He’s Only Gon and Done It
2. Would You Like S’more?
3. Two Waffles, Both Alike in Dignity
5. A Third Italian Hate Crime
6. The Great Caper Caper

The only person who absolutely nailed this brief was Gon, so it was a simple choice to put him straight through

and an easy choice for cuts were Beth and Finley for their tandem dive into absolute insanity

which left a conundrum when it came to Shaun, Jordan and Claire. I knew they were going to put Claire through, they did after all grow her in a lab specifically to compete on MasterChef

I was hoping they’d put both Jordan and Shaun through as a treat for me specifically because I like both of them. I also kind of knew Jordan was doomed the moment they reacted so lukewarm to his perfectly fine dish so sadly it’s goodbye to the Prince Eric We Have At Home

but I am excited to see what Shaun cooks in the future

I’m still not 100% sure what his culinary point of view is but I hope he can stick around to explore that a little more.