I’m excited to see how Yoda does in the competition.

SOUND THE SIREN, I HAVE A GRUDGE!

Basic to Brilliant

We once again start the episode looking down the barrel of a woman chanting the name of a vegetable like she’s preparing to bestow great cryptic prophecy upon the usurper of a throne

nothing in this world will convince me that Claire isn’t an industry plant, it is the first challenge and she’s already operating on a level that seems so far removed from everyone else in the room. Poor Charlie and his funeral bed of beans stood no chance

she could probably have done with perhaps keeping the Pea Custard in her back pocket for a few more weeks just to at least pretend to be relatable because those Ham Hock and Marrowfat Pea Croquettes were amazing enough to not warrant it

but Claire wasn’t the only one that feels like they were lured into the MasterChef kitchen with a trail of Iberian Black Garlic and algorithm-friendly hashtags, enter Finley who is this year’s Inexplicable Grudge™

raised in the hellfires of TikTok food content whee his mother is a Labubu and his father smells of Dubai Chocolate, he is far too aware of where every camera in any given room is and how best to mug to it

Finley very much feels like what they wanted Young MasterChef to be, if Young MasterChef hadn’t been a complete flop. RIP my beloved, I will never forget how out of desperation to make it end, they crammed all 10 episodes of the second series into just 5 episodes

While I excuse myself to go yell at clouds, here’s Finley’s Garam Masala Carrot with an Onion Bhaji and Cashew Puree

I have to regrettably concede that this sounds Quite Nice™. Finley wasn’t the only one showcasing a carrot though, Charlie was also making carrot central to his dish having sadly realised that crowning beans on toast as The May Queen probably wasn’t the way forward

I was sceptical of his showcasing of carrots considering he had a whole rack of lamb cooking at his station though but there was at least verifiably more carrot on the plate than lamb

the carrots weren’t brilliantly cooked but my hottest take is that I think the likes of Charlie who prop up erect crew cut carrot heads on their plate in the hopes of achieving culinary greatness are infinitely more interesting as contestants than the likes of Claire who comes in knowing how to make a Pea Custard. Or even Jordan serving up the 1000th perfectly cooked My Take On Fish and Chips™ we’ve seen on the show

it’s cool, it’s fine, it’s very polished. I just don’t see how Jordan or Claire can go on A Journey™ with their food. Whereas Charlie looks like he’s about to have his mind blow when he realises food can be more than roast dinner adjacent

I love you, The Tom Skinner We Have At Home.

Ruth, or Nurse Ruth to give her her proper MasterChef title, was making a Chicken Adobo but kind of shot herself in the foot by trying to overly refine it

I think she would’ve stood a very good chance of getting through over Jordan had she served up a really good, really traditional bowl of Chicken Adobo rather than a tableau of vaguely Filipino themed chicken butchery. A trap that Gifty at least managed to avoid with her Chicken and Jollof Rice that had a very homely feel to it

anyone who moulds their rice using a bowl as a bit of restaurant shorthand immediately has my full and undivided support, I find it delightful. The quarter slice of hard boiled egg? Bafflingly indefensible. She’s a perfect MasterChef contestant and one should never look a Gifty horse in the mouth

they did you dirty, queen.

A Basic to Brilliant Dish Ranking:
1. Pea Is Stored In The Balls
2. The 1000th Refined Fish and Chips Sweepstakes Winner
3. Carrot Gurning Masala
4. Can I Offer You A Nice Egg In This Trying Time?
5. Charlie’s Beans Died For Our Sins
6. Adobo You Better Don’t

The first pair through and avoiding the Mystery Box challenge were Claire and Jordan

Claire I had expected, but I didn’t think they’d risk Finley going up against an invention test – although saying that, this episode’s ingredients seemed a bit tailor-made for him.

An Unboxing Match

This episode’s Mystery Box Redemption Ingredients were Cauliflower, Bacon and Pears

and when confronted with an unexpected cauliflower and a slowly ticking clock, half the contestants immediately defaulted to the classic Culturally Ambiguous Curry. The outcome of which was almost immediately decided when the camera cut to Gifty stirring a pot of sauce the colour of a carpet only a landlord would choose

the off-putting colour aside, it was by no means a bad dish and by all accounts everything tasted nice. The issue was that the curry didn’t really go with the pilau bulgar wheat which in turn didn’t quite go with the raw tomatoes and roasted cauliflower. It was just a well spiced civil war on a plate.

Ruth also made a curry and while her sauce was far too thin, it was at least a colour found outside of the Dulux Rentable Neutrals section

she got bonus points for the onion bhaji that was made from the leaves and stem of the cauliflower.

We did finally get someone using all of the available mystery ingredients with Finley making his take on Bang Bang Cauliflower topped with crispy bacon and a pear and lime slaw

I am once again forced to concede that this is very good, with the judges also raving about it and how well it all works. Which… yeah? It’s a real dish. Bang Bang Cauliflower exists. It is real food which is more than I can say for the liminal Dutch Golden Age still life of bread and blue cheese that Charlie had created

I don’t think there’s a better indicator of an impending disaster than the moment a man grabs the entire sourdough bloomer in an invention test. It is the owl at midnight, the solitary magpie, the Ryan Murphy executive producer credit. Nothing good can happen and indeed a dumbfounded silence descended as Charlie gazed upon his creation of Bacon and Mushroom Toast with Cauliflower Mashed Potato and 2 leaves of cavolo nero because his mum told him he needs to cook more greens and realised the evil he had wrought

we’re not done though, there’s also a Brandy Cream Sauce

I can do nothing but scream “CHARLIE! CHAAAAAAARLIEEEEE!” in the exact cadence of the Charlie Bit Me video.

A Redemption Dish Ranking:
1. BANG! And The Twink Is Gone
2. A Culturally Ambiguous Curry
3. Gifty’s Renter-friendly Cauliflower Curry
4. Charlie’s Chaos Toast

Unfortunately, at this point we were losing both Gifty and Charlie

Charlie went out in the glorious flames I knew he was capable of but I was genuinely sad to lose Gifty.

A Two Course Race

For this episode, the two course menus were going to be judged by Jane Devonshire, Irini Tzortzoglou and Shelina Permalloo

and suitably, first up was the collective cell scrapings of their MasterChef experiences that we know as Claire who was starting her menu off with Roasted Cod in a Bisque and topped with a Fried Courgette Nest

it’s about as much a nest as the sorry pile of twigs a balcony pigeon calls home but apparently tasted really nice

The justifiability of the term “nest” aside, I will applaud her perfectly cooking and serving a decent portion of cod, it’s a rarity on this show that sometimes considers two whole prawns a treat.

In a complete reverse of the previous episode, this time everyone was doing a Main Course and Dessert Menu. AND nobody’s menu sounded like it had been created by a character from The Wind and the Willows with the loosest concept of what food is! Claire was going Danish for her dessert, serving Æbleskiver, which are spherical pancakes that she’d filled with caramel and served with caramelised banana

they look amazing, but also an absolute faff to make which is why they only come out once a year at Christmas – like cooking a turkey, that sequined cardigan that cuts your armpit or Jools Holland’s Hootenanny.

None of the others really came close to rivalling Claire’s menu – all of them slightly fumbled one of their dishes – or in the case of Finley somehow rendered Monument Valley in Date Sponge

he was at least saved by the fact that if there’s one pudding that nobody cares about the aesthetics of, it’s Sticky Toffee Pudding so as long as he could drown it in toffee sauce he was safe as houses

and nobody was a bigger fan than Irini

I’m just glad she was the one saying this. I am once again just a woman, standing outside the BBC offices with a sign reading “STOP LETTING HIM SAY ‘SLIPPERY FLESH'”.

Finley’s Main Course of Sirloin Steak with Fries and Chimichurri was much more successful both because it hadn’t exploded and because he’d cooked it all really well

it strikes me as a plate of food that’s missing something – it was a very safe option that didn’t really push him that hard. Which is at least a clever way to play this round but I think he was only really saved by the fact Ruth had overcooked her Braised Pork

but she’d clawed back a few points with her Mango Panna Cotta that looks like it been summoned from the 1970s

there’s just something about a flower lovingly carved out of a fruit that feels like it’ll always be spiritually connected to the likes of Fanny Craddock.

Lastly we have Jordan who was starting strong with Spinach and Ricotta stuffed Agnolotti served in an Nduja Sauce

if any of these dishes were on a menu, this is probably the one I’d be most likely to order. I would probably also order the Æbleskiver but I’d have had to have had 2 cocktails in order to feel brave enough to attempt saying it – I see that diphthong and my brain melts.
His pasta was beautifully made, but I wouldn’t expect anything less from the whimsical wisecracking forest creature that follows a Disney Princess wherever she goes

he also makes a very good ballgown if you sing him a song.

Jordan’s pudding wasn’t quite so successful, a Peach Crumble doesn’t leave you a lot of room to hide and unfortunately his was just a little watery and not reduced down enough

I would still gladly devour any and every Peach Crumble set before me without care or question of its quality.

A Two Course Menu Ranking:
1. The Solar System Rendered In Pancakes
2. That’s Agnolotti Effort You’re Putting In
3. Claire’s Cod House Brick
4. Steak and Chips Can Only Go So Far
5. Fanny Craddock’s First Encounter With a Mango
6. A PEACH CRUMBLE IS ALWAYS GOOD
7. Finley’s Sticky Toffee Monument Valley
8. You’ll Ruth The Day!

Despite the fact the decision should have ultimately been either eliminating Finley or Ruth, for some reason they announced Finley was through first

and joining him was Claire, leaving a decision between either Jordan or Ruth which was a strong no-brainer because Jordan’s pasta was unarguably the most accomplished main course of the round, and fairly it was Ruth going home

again, much like the previous episode – this felt like a forgone conclusion from the moment everyone did a talking head.