Sitting alone in the VIP.

I’ve filled this recap with snails, let’s see if anyone notices.

Over and Stout

Kicking off the first quarterfinal in order to whittle down the bloated quintuplet of quarterfinalists was an Invention Test in which the chefs had to create a dish showcasing Legally Brandless Stout

this feels like one of the more difficult invention tests they’ve ever done because, as you can tell by 60% of the chefs recoiling at the very mention of stout, it’s quite a divisive flavour

meanwhile Rohit was ready to hook an IV of it up and Gareth will say anything to make Marcus love him

but by the end of it, I think even these two had been inducted into the Emotional Stout Trauma Support Group

save for Gaston who was ready to hit the nearest ‘Spoons and make a waitress incredibly uncomfortable

don’t worry, the neckerchief keeps him grounded.

Nkosi was probably the most out of their depth because he was just completely unfamiliar with stout and because of this seemed to want to keep the dish as simple as he possibly could with his vegetarian Celeriac Steak dish

the glaring issue was trying to pass off a sub-55mm thick ring of celeriac off as being roughly equivalent to a steak but rather more pressing was the fact he hadn’t managed to imbue the dish with enough of the stout flavour. He wasn’t the only to have this issue as Rohit’s pigeon dish was also lacking in Stout notes

I can only imagine it was a “1 for the pot, two for the chef” approach to stout quantities

I hope he got to take home the leftover bottles, I’ve never seen someone grin this much.

Gaston had also chosen to do a pigeon dish which ended up being Marcus’s favourite dish of the challenge and by far and away the best of the three savoury dishes

I do think it looks terrible though, it’s in serious need of a punch of colour, or anything to help me stop thinking about the fact those tuiles are just pigeon innards smeared between sheets of pastry like a countryside pigeon meeting a lorry

Gaston is a mystery to me, he looks so sophisticated and elegant. Then you turn away and look back for 1 second and he’s in the corner ripping legs off of spiders while reciting a French nursery rhyme backwards.

Chloe and Gareth were both making desserts – as ever, Chloe had a great time with not a single thing going wrong because she’s God’s favourite

Gaston and Nkosi had to go for a brief lie down after they had to watch Chloe pull a perfect choux pastry recipe out of thin air on the fly.

Lastly we have Gareth having a miserable time trying to get his stout ice cream to set in 70 minutes while looking like a cryptid every time the camera caught him in the act of checking on it in the Frozen Dessert Angst Alcove

I can’t explain it, but this has the same energy as the bear scene in The Shining

he never did manage to get his ice cream to set and ended up rather pushed for time when it came to plating up his dessert

which he clearly wasn’t happy with as you can tell from the life leaving his eyes the moment he stepped up for his critique

and the brief flash of snark and spite the moment Marcus decided to rub it in just a little bit

Marcus will gladly let Gaston serve him up a TIE-fighter made out of filo pastry and smeared pigeon guts but Gareth serving him up a pudding that’s nearly identical to the one he served up in the previous episode? That’s a paddlin’

I could take a full series of just these 5 chefs: Chloe doing amazing things and being the obvious winner, Gaston being an unhinged wild card, Nkosi having a great growth journey, Rohit…

and Gareth being the Completely Unnecessary but Deeply Enjoyable Villain. We’ve got everything we need, why bother with the 24 other chefs?

A Stout Dish Ranking:
1. Chloe’s Burning Ring of Stout
2. Gareth’s Oily Cremeaux
3. Gaston But Only If I Don’t Think To Hard About The Tuiles
4. Rohit’s Stoutless Pigeon
5. Nkosi’s Very Low Steak

Given that Rohit and Nkosi both had the same issue of lacking stout, they were on the chopping block with Rohit being spared on account he’d shown a little more technique

which is fair, but I was gutted to see Nkosi go because I really enjoyed him but can’t help but feel another year or 2 and he may have been a little better prepared for the show. So, there’s always my imaginary All Stars series.

A Two Course Race

The remaining chefs would of course be cooking a two course menu for three critics, this week’s trio being Jay Rayner, William Sitwell and Leyla Kazim desperately seeking her Ratatouille moment

Finding Nemo created an inordinate demand for Clownfish as pets. Ratatouille created an entire generation of pretentious children critiquing Smiley Potato Faces in barely passable french accents.

All of the chefs were going for Starter and Main Course combinations, with Gareth and Chloe both showing down over scallop starters. Chloe obviously winning because hers was marginally less of a glorified salad

the critics did all think that Chloe’s Mexican inspired scallops could have used a little more of a kick and she could have probably been a little more generous with the Mezcal, but her cooking of the scallops was perfection. She did struggle a little bit with her Pork Loin main course being a little bit dull

I think she’s been lulled into a false sense of security and perhaps could’ve done with a pack of wild dogs to make the whole thing a little bit more interesting

the format’s getting a little tired, I think it’s time to release the hounds

at least throw a cockerpoo into the mix for a little fun.

Gareth was serving his scallops raw which I will always champion as being an instant elimination – I love a ceviche, I think it’s very nice in the right setting. I don’t believe MasterChef, a time to show off your culinary skill and prowess, is the time for a ceviche. AND I WILL PROUDLY DIE ON THIS HILL. Gareth was at least serving his with an Ajo Blanco, a cold soup, which while my own personal Ninth Circle of Hell, at least involved some technique

Leyla wasn’t a huge fan of it but Jay Rayner and The Ghost of a Victorian Banker we call William Sitwell, both admired the bravery and simplicity of it – a critique I feel I could write a 3000 word dissertation about but I shall spare all of you that.

With Gareth going for a lamb main course, it was a strong week for tempting Maximum Welsh Hubris between Gareth’s lamb course

and Wynne Evans wheeling out Shirley Bassey as the thinnest veil over an incredibly self-indulgent rumba that felt like a first year theatre student’s soliloquy about body dysmorphia

On one hand: at least he wasn’t in Shirley Bassey Blackface Drag. On the other hand: 90 SECONDS OF TOE CURLING CRINGE THAT FOR SOME REASON PEOPLE VOTED FOR IN THEIR DROVES while letting Sam Quek ride off into the middle distance aboard her bedsheet

this is singlehandedly the best bit of nonsense anyone has ever crowbarred into a dance routine to buy their partner a 5 second reprieve. Nikita Kuzmin, your mind is too powerful.

The reason for Gareth playing his Welsh Trap Card was because he hasn’t forgiven Jay Rayner for the nuclear burn of a review he wrote about the Cardiff food scene 8 years ago (I cannot stress enough that this was written 8 years ago)

he has been back to Cardiff a couple of times with much more glowing reviews. Mostly because he has found precisely 2 restaurants he likes: The Heathcock and Matsudai Ramen. But the idea that Gareth has simmered over an 8 year old review, imaginably throwing darts at it while doing a Rocky-style training montage, is very funny to me and does explain why he has the vibe of a man who is one negative comment away from trying to steal the key to the city. But for now, he’s happy to just slam a plate of lamb down in front of Jay Rayner in this very one-sided grudge match. It was a very successful dish though, he was worried he’d overdone the lamb but the critics all seemed to be perfectly happy with it. And I do have to applaud him for shoving a shepherd’s pie on there as a side dish

MasterChef: The Professionals does many things wrong: portion sizes and a general disdain for potato are just two of them. However, pies as side dishes will forever be its greatest contribution to the culinary arts. Aside from Monica Galetti’s cocked eyebrow of course.

Gareth wasn’t the only one doing a Shepherd’s Pie, I mean he was, but Gaston was just having so much fun that I don’t want to tell him that not putting lamb in a shepherd’s pie instantly makes it not a Shepherd’s Pie, it’s kind of the whole point of it. His lamb replacement being Snails

a decision he wanted us to believe was because they’re a more eco-friendly alternative protein but was almost certainly just because he was having so much fun saying “Pie’scargot”

and I have to admire the dedication to extremely subpar wordplay

ok, calm down Karlie Kloss.

The critics were all a little hesitant about the Susan Sontag of Shepherd’s Pies, I imagine as a professional food critic you probably fall foul to snails at least twice in your career, but all three of them were extremely complimentary of the pie

and things would only get better for Gaston with his Hake main course that Jay Rayner was treating like an episode of Married At First Sight

Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace

GODDAMIT GARETH, JUST LET OTHER PEOPLE BE HAPPY!

Lastly we have Rohit who was having a Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day as he cut himself rather badly and had to be banished to the MasterChef Naughty Stool for a good 5 minutes because it wouldn’t stop bleeding

this did really throw him and it was a rapid descent downhill. Although, it did initially seem a bit like this use of Life Transference would benefit him as it meant he didn’t have time to get the Lemon Sponge onto his ~Textures~ of Asparagus Starter which everyone was very grateful for

please allow me one (1) Dungeons and Dragons tangent, I BEG. I play a Cleric (Yes, I’m queer and have religious trauma, sue me.) And I always have the spell Life Transference prepared because it’s an insane fail safe if someone else in the party does something stupid (a common occurrence.) It deals me 4d8 damage and heals someone else for double. We finish a gruelling battle, the druid decides to touch AN OBVIOUSLY CURSED OBJECT which takes them down to death saving throws, they roll a Nat 1 so is on death’s door with more damage approaching. I’m on 30 health, Life Transference would on average deal 18 damage. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG. I roll and the world conspires against me as I SOMEHOW roll maximum damage, taking me down to Death Saving Throws and I roll… a Nat 1. How the turntables tabled. AND I LIVED TO TELL THE TALE. (Also, I forgot to mention in this entire thing, my character is a possessed goat. She is perfect.)

ANYWAY, back to the MasterChef: The Professionals recap this was at some point… Rohit’s main course took the biggest hit from the knock to his confidence. Although, I truly am not sure you can entirely blame his thumb that the monkfish covered in ash and served with a steamed Mille Feuille of celeriac and fish mousse was not pleasant to eat

but Rohit is certainly thinking about an emergency amputation

I’m sure Gaston could find a use for it.

A Two Course Menu Dish Ranking:
1. Mrs. Jay Rayner-Hake
2. Snails, The Sheep of the Invertebrate World
3. THIS! IS! CARDIFF!
4. Asparagus Can Only Get You So Far
5. Chloe’s Meh-zcal Scallops
6. It’s Cold Scallops and Grapes, How excited can I get?
7. Chloe’ Main’s Main Course by Numbers
8. Rohit’s Ultimate Sacrifice

With only one chef getting the axe, this was a no-brainer after Rohit’s main course being universally panned by absolutely everyone

again, lovely guy, I would’ve been happy to see him stick around but this really wasn’t his round.