This is for a very specific subset of people.

RELEASE THE OCTOPUS DISCOURSE!

A Two Course Race

This week’s trio of guest judges risking having to call in sick to Morning Live were Angellica “How Have You Never Done Strictly?” Bell who had very much come in thinking she would be the most jazzily dressed person in the room

unfortunately her eccentric Victorian sweet shop owner get-up would be entirely eclipsed by Su Pollard pitching up dressed like a dragon’s hoard of gemstones

and then rounding everything out was one of my all time favourite contestants, Vicky Pattison

she’s everything Charlotte Crosby was trying to be.

Up first was Jake Quickenden’s teeth who were starting their menu off with Pappa Pomodoro, a classic Tuscan bread soup – and as distressing as the term “bread soup” sounds, it is kind of an A+ dish

Vicky Pattison however was fully not prepared for the texture of it, having expected an actual smooth soup

but she still claimed she loved it despite having literally eaten a mouthful of it, snaffled all the burrata and calling it quits

what’s wrong babe? Do you not like your pizza soup?

Jake’s main course was much less of a Wiltshire Farm Food experiment in pensioner-friendly puree and was stepping away from Italy for his salmon, chilli jam, buttered potatoes and asparagus dish

the reception of this dish BAFFLES me. Everyone raved about its presentation despite it being nothing beyond the average midweek meal. But it’s the salmon that confuses me most of all, WHERE’S THE REST OF IT JAKE?

also, nobody brought up the fact they were very excited about the crispy skin only to receive skinless salmon following this glorious smash-cut

I’m launching my own criminal investigation into this meal.

Following Jake’s shady salmon dealings was Tamer who was going for a risky entirely seafood menu featuring rather difficult to cook elements like Octopus Discourse, Lobster and Razor Clams

the octopus was for his starter which was being served alongside a parsnip puree and a dressing which really added to the Ridley Scott vibe any dish featuring a whole and intact tentacle tends to have

there was a little scepticism over whether the sweetness of parsnip puree would work with the octopus – it didn’t end up being an issue and Gregg had to issue an apology for ever having doubted him

ok, now do it with a ukelele.

For his seafood main course, Tamer was serving up Frutti di Mare consisting of lobster, mussels, clams and razor clams

he really upped the ante for himself this episode and I found myself warming up a lot more to him. I would gladly sit front row for his shellfish production of Othello

Jamie was going to have a difficult time following up Tamer’s perfect menu and you kind of knew where this was going the moment John had a whole speech about the importance of Jamie resting his beef fillet

I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a fillet of beef bleeding quite this much

that’s an entire Samara Weaving’s worth of blood right there

but the camera operators were kind enough to carefully crop the pools of blood out during the glamour shots

it is gorgeous looking beef and for the most part everyone was really happy with the dish – sure it was haemorrhaging and the peppercorn sauce was on the thin side but Su wasn’t going to kick it out of bed

beef and mashed potato being Su Pollard’s idea of a sexy, sexy plate of food really tickles me and she would continue to be delighted by Jamie’s menu with his dessert being a Chocolate Mousse topped with Whipped Cream and a Deep Fried Witness Protection Mars Bar

unfortunately his mousse hadn’t quite set enough so John was having a most awful time trying to eat this glorified Freakshake off a plate like a very annoyed stork

I promise, I won’t mention Aesop’s Fable of Passive Aggressive Animals again. I have to start limiting myself and expanding my horizons.

A Two Course Menu Dish Ranking:
1. I Can Be Your Sweet Dream or a Frutti di Mare
2. Jake’s Bowl of Pizza Soup
3. Tamer’s Ridley Scott Starter
4. Jamie’s Bleeding Beef
5. Jamie’s Witness Protected Mars Bar Milkshake
6. Unquestionably Jake’s Salmon Dish, FIGHT ME

I was hoping to see Jamie going further in the competition, but even with Jake’s EXTREMELY QUESTIONABLE main course, I do think Jamie’s had more accumulated errors across his menu and thus he and Max were walking into the sunset together

nothing but respect for my Misses Congenialities.

and so, we head to Heat 4!