FINALLY. Some Tall Girl representation.

Cheese Gromit!

Say Cheese!

For this week’s Quarterfinal we get the MasterChef debut of April Jackson

and if you can’t tell by the fact she power dresses like it’s an Olympic sport, she is of former The Apprentice fame having competed on Series 11 some eight years ago

she was fired after a task involving them having to become handymen for the day which I can respect. I would have fired myself. Somewhere between then and now she’s gone from Boutique Owner to Chef with a brief dip into cheesemongery somewhere in between

I’m unsure if that was a task on The Apprentice or if QVC has a dairy channel. Either way, she’s worn many hats. And many hairstyles – her greatest contribution to her series of The Apprentice was seeing what her hair would look like every episode and she continues to not disappoint

if she and Leyla Kazim want to mutiny and take over the show, I will help them. Just say the word.

April’s brief for the contestants was to make a dish that celebrates Cheese. This was an interesting brief, especially for Vegan-Charlotte. She was however very prepared and came armed to the hilt with plant-based cheese options

her grand idea was to do a vegan play on a cheeseboard which I think is fun in theory but calling it “a vegan cheeseboard” kind of did her a disservice because… cheeseboards are famously not cooked so she kind of invited everyone to tell her she hadn’t really done enough

Not helping matters was covering everything she had done with a sheet of vaguely port-flavoured jelly and also forgetting to put her whipped blue cheese on the plate

she’s a glutton for self-punishment

if she’d lasted much longer in the competition she’d probably have removed her own appendix.

Charlotte was far from the only one that ended up playing it a little bit too safe with their dishes. Louise had showcased a little more technique with having made her own rough-puff pastry. However, it was hard to get over the fact she’d just made the leftover vou-la-vent from your new year’s party complete with decorative greenery that that gave up the will to live before the clock struck 10pm

she’d also played it a little too mellow with her cheese so the other components felt more central to the dish. I guess we finally found Louise’s culinary kryptonite

it’s ok, you’ll just have to bang at the doors of Wood and Water a little harder

go on April, give her a job. She deserves it as a little treat.

James had also gone for making his own pastry, opting to make a Goats Cheese and Potato Pithivier which came with high epxectations

and unfortunately, James had forgotten to say “French bistro” three times in the mirror so his pithivier ended up coming out looking like it came from a pub with a two star rating on Tripadvisor instead of a family run bistro in the South of France

also, brave is anyone who decides to cook ratatouille when the expectations of it are sky high

just accept it, YOU’LL NEVER BE REMI THE RAT.

The last of the fully savoury dishes (Vera’s sort of falls in the limbo between a main course and a dessert) was from Dr. George who was making a parmigiana fortified with a parmesan collar and served alongside a scamorza and sundried tomato croquette

if you’re wondering what Scamorza is, it’s that cheese that looks like a rubber ducky didn’t survive the Salem Witch Trials

it probably would’ve been the most unique cheese in the room, but then Vera burst through the door doing jazz hands with a Lump of Norwegian caramel cheese

George did still manage to impress but the sheer ballsiness of Vera’s display of the dessert spectrum was what really grabbed everyone’s attention (the presentation left much to be desired)

with April being firmly converted to spreading the word of Cheesus Christ

I support anyone finding their purpose in life even if it is being a cheese missionary.

Lastly we have Ecrin who had everyone’s alarm bells ringing as she was both making a deconstructed cheesecake and has also declared war on April’s new purpose in life

however making a cheesecake is the best way of making a cheese-based challenge feel as uncheese-based as you possibly could and to further her anti-cheese stance she was making it more of a mutant baklava situation

it’s a very pretty dessert and thankfully it wasn’t of the deconstructed ilk that’s designed to look more aesthetically pleasing than it tastes with everyone praising the flavours and textures. It’s also impressive that Ecrin continues to have a variety of pomegranate-based tricks up her sleeves

regrettably I do not have a sturgeon pun for the situation.

A Cheese Dish Ranking:
1. Can I Interest You In The Word of My Lord and Saviour Cheesus Christ?
2. Ecrin’s Anti-cheese Sentiments
3. No Parm, No Foul
4. Disappointment! At The Bistro
5. Ve-gone-Charlotte
6. The Little Vol-au-vent That Couldn’t

There was a pretty solid divide between the top three and the bottom three which made Gregg and John’s decision pretty cut and dry, so it was the end of the line for James’s Bistro Experience, Vegan-Charlotte and Saint Louise

James, you’ve already used up your second shot but if Charlotte and Louise can just wait another 20 years they might get a second shot because next time it’s Comeback Week to celebrate 20 years of MasterChef!