MasterChef 2024, Episode 6: An Upside Down Platypus

American Pie (1999, Paul Weitz.)

What is a pie anymore?

It’s Pie Day, Pie Day, Gotta Get Down On Pie Day

This week’s jailbreaker from the Rotational Food Critic Cupboard was Jay Rayner who had a simple non-traumatic ask from this week’s quarterfinalists: Just A Pie

which can only mean 1 thing: hang on to your rough puff underpants because it’s Pastry Discourse Time! Despite every TV chef and their mum insisting that nobody should have the time or inclination to make their own pastry, for this challenge making their own pastry was an absolute necessity

as was knowing exactly where Jay, John and Gregg would draw a line in the sand as to what was and what was not a pie. Stew with a hat? A Pie

a galette? Not a pie.

which isn’t not the case – Wikipedia tells me galettes straddle the taxonomic gap between Cakes and Waffles like some sort of pastry platypus

but it’s an interesting thought experiment that if Shreya had just served her galette upside down it would have been as much a pie as Pete’s behatted stew. However, inverting a platypus just means you have an upside down platypus.

Despite nobody believing she had made a pie, they did at least all enjoy Shreya’s Curried Jackfruit Pie which she’d served with Garlic Mash and a Curry Sauce

Gregg had issues with the fact the folded edges had “denied him a good edge” which I refute on the grounds the thick edges of a pie that go slightly stodgy are the best parts and galettes are like 75% thick edges that go slightly stodgy.

Lee also went with a curried pie, combining his nostalgic football pie with a butter chicken curry to produce by far the best savoury pie of the episode

it’s Hang It In The Louvre levels of perfection and it might go quite well with the cans of soup that keep getting thrown around in there.

Aaron was a close runner-up in the savoury pie stakes with his Lobster and Prawn Pie which came with the obligatory mashed potato and a sensible designated driver bisque

he had at least managed to perfectly cook the lobster filling of his pie which was a real achievement considering he was flying by the seat of his pastry pants

be warned future MasterChef Contestants: he is the exception that proves the rule.

Bringing up the rear of the savoury pies was Pete whose pie was not so much “The Winner Takes It All” as it was his “Waterloo”

even if the judges were willing to grant his pastry hat pie status, it was like one of the hats after the drunken brawl at a wet and muddy Aintree

I still don’t quite know why everything on his plate seems to be leaking – it’s almost beautifully ugly, an achievement in aesthetic horrors that comes close to making it charming. But sadly the filling wasn’t bringing enough to the table to convince anyone that it was a good pie as unfortunately his Vietnamese beef filling was dry.

Steve had similar pastry woes to Pete as he overhandled his pastry to the point of it just melting and refusing to cook

however it did at least have one flattering angle whereas Pete’s always just looked like a steak and ale pie had been trapped in a maze of funhouse mirrors

it also fell a little short in terms of flavour with Jay wishing the cherries were slightly more sweetened and his ice cream having its validity called into question

I am having flashbacks to being served a Chocolate Mousse that was just a bowl of cake icing. It was the best day of my little 8 year old life.

Lastly we have Haddy who was causing everyone a great amount of concern by deciding to make a Mango Pie. However full credit to her, she pulled it off absolutely phenomenally with a pie that had more structural integrity than anyone thought you could get out of mango

personally my favourite bit is the cutlery murder silhouettes she’d used to decorate the plate – it has such powerful 2005 Come Dine With Me energy and I’m a sucker for a 20 year nostalgia cycle.

An Unofficial Pie Ranking
1. Lee’s Nostalgia Pie
2. Haddy’s Sturdy Mangoes
3. Aaron’s Designated Driver Pie
4. Shreya’s Pastry Thought Experiment
5. Pete’s Behatted Stew
6. Steve’s Collection of THings That Turned Out To Be Nothing

There were only three contestants who had successfully cooked full-shelled pies and I think Lee, Aaron and Haddy were all the obvious choices for the three available spaces in Total Wipeout Week