And in that moment Lisa Faulkner’s entire life flashed before her eyes.
It’ the last of our quarterfinals and so we find out who joins the likes of Su Pollard, Bez, Melanie Sykes, Megan McKenna, Joe Swash and Dion Dublin – it’s a truly chaotic bunch.
A Two Course Race
The guest judges joining us for the last of our quarterfinals were Greg Rutherford, Lisa Faulkner and Rylan who looked alarmingly like Idris Elba’s Macavity
Can you believe they payed how many millions of dollars for their “digital fur technology” and Rylan achieved the same effect with New Look’s Winter Basics collection?
The first celeb to make their bid for the semi-finals was Kadeena who was once again putting herself (and her oxtail) under a lot of pressure as she set about trying to make an oxtail stew in under an hour with the aid of a pressure cooker – a piece of equipment that has a worse track record at successfully completing its job than the damn ice cream machine. As well as her oxtail she was making some fried plantain and plain white rice, so really everything kind of rode on her oxtail stew which did look divinely unctuous
it did in the end need maybe 20 minutes longer to cook and achieve that melt-in-the-mouth texture but there was no denying the fact it tasted incredible, and it was enjoyed by everyone including oxtail virgin, Rylan.
For dessert Kadeena was bringing out that MasterChef classic the molten chocolate cake with hers having a salted caramel centre – an idea that Gregg had to valiantly pretend was completely new and revolutionary despite the fact he has eaten molten cakes in every possible flavour combination over the last 16 years. To accompany her cake she was making her own honeycomb and an orange flavoured Chantilly cream, which Gregg claims is a dubious and strange prospect right after a challenge in which John made them all stuff a brandy snap with a Clementine Chantilly cream… HOW DID YOU FEEL THEN WALLACE?
In order to ensure her cakes cooked perfectly, Kadeena had decided to cook them for an extra minute, this turned out to be the wrong decision as the cakes were all definitely overcooked and had become stuck to the tins meaning their tops were off and their gooey insides exposed
also bless the fact she was clearly so frustrated by this that she just threw the honeycomb onto the plate like she was playing Yahtzee!
Much like her oxtail, it clearly wasn’t cooked properly despite the fact everyone desperately tried to scrape out some sort of moisture from within the overcooked cake BUT, it did at least taste nice.
Kem was once again showing off his Turkish heritage and family favourite recipes with a starter of Sigara Borek which are filo pastry cigars filled with feta, halloumi and fried onions – truly God tier food, you cannot go wrong with cheese in pastry, it is the one constant in this unpredictable world of ours
it is however completely ungenerous of him to only serve two of those bad boys to everyone – it calls for at least 5 per person and nobody should have accepted anything less.
They are obviously beloved by everyone and maybe now everyone can stop being so mean about Kem owning a Turkish restaurant, yeah? In the absence of Katie Price I have apparently taken it upon myself to die on the hill that is defending Kem Cetinay. I hope he appreciates it.
While his starter was his grandmother’s recipe, he had gone to his father for advice on his main course of Honey and Cumin Glazed Lamb Chops – an obvious risk given the prominent trend of nobody being able to cook lamb on this show. To go with his lamb he had made some pilaf rice and a red pepper relish all of which was being presented to look as much like a Tie Fighter from Star Wars as possible
or two emus having a scrap, which ever tickles you most.
I just love how excited he was that he had made his first ever rice dome – and can I say, I have thoroughly enjoyed how dedicated this year’s batch of celebrities have been to bringing back Architectural Rice. I salute your efforts, rice bludgeons and all.
Everyone loves it once again and John even just gives up on cutlery all together
I suppose I would eaten lamb chops like a heathen too if I had only ever been served them still bleating for about 5 years.
And lastly we have Gavin who was as on brand as ever and just cooking things he had found in the Waitrose Food Magazine so somehow this is all William Sitwell’s fault. His starter being a Scallop, Black Pudding and Sweet Potato Salad – quite what the sweet potato is doing there is anybody’s guess but Gavin claims it’s because of his “nomadic lifestyle” and… I have to side-eye any roaming journalist who describes their life as “nomadic” because it feels like an insult to genuinely nomadic people and the adversity that has pushed themselves into such a lifestyle. So bin that phrase and just say you’re well-travelled mate, it’s fine. We wont guillotine you.
With a scallop dish everyone is always going to focus on them over anything else because they’re the fanciest of shellfish after all and well, Gavin royally screwed that up – and I could screenshot and gif Lisa Faulkner’s eating of the raw scallop and her realisation that she had just put raw shellfish in her mouth but it could never do the moment justice so just enjoy the full clip
the editing of it is ART – the cymbal chime as she realises that’s a raw scallop in her mouth? The worried and tentative “no” as her life flashes before her eyes? It belongs in The Louvre – and of course the whole thing being followed by Rylan discreetly moving his scallops of his salad
truly it is amongst the Top 10 Greatest MasterChef Moments of All Time – joining The Cod Cheek Omelette, Thomasina pointing out a professional chef had made a mistake, Mince Stuffed Mushrooms, Fish Biscuits and 3 professional chefs failing to make a chicken sandwich.
At this point we all already knew that Gavin was dead in the water but they still made him persist with his dessert of Plum Compote, Kefir Yoghurt and Pear Sorbet which for some unknown reason he had decided to serve in cubes?
the obvious issue with the dish is that none of this is a main component, a compote, sorbet and yoghurt are literally all accompaniments – and in a couple of causes just glorified porridge toppings and all just completely lack any sort of texture
it’s like the dessert version of his bibimbap misunderstanding.
The sorbet cubes at least go down well with everyone – Lisa Faulkner even saying that “A sorbet on its own is enough.” – a sentiment I vehemently disagree with, when has ANYBODY been happy with just a sorbet?
What went down less well was the fact Gavin hadn’t even bothered to destone his plums
Rylan has thousands of pounds of dental work to protect! How dare you?
A Fourth Quarterfinal Dish Ranking
- Kem’s Cheesy Parcels Which I Need Five Of RIGHT NOW
- Kem’s First Ever Rice Dome and Lamb Chops
- Kadeena’s Marginally Underdone Oxtail
- Kadeena’s Ill-advised Extra Minute of Cooking Time
- Gavin’s Bowl of Accompaniments
- Lisa Faulkner’s Shellfish Horror Story
Incredibly unsurprisingly it is Gavin who was sent home
although given the judging this week, I suppose it could have been anybody. I hope he goes on to realise he has a very lucrative career as the only man who looks alarmingly like Popeye.
And so next week we begin the semis!
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