Drag Race 13, Episode 9: Jiffy Pop Starbucks

I will do anything it takes to make this reality TV show happen.

Well I sure hope this Snatch Games was worth waiting and extra week for.

Same Old, Same Old

Of course if you hadn’t forgotten over the 2 week break, nobody went home last episode which means Ru has hopefully used up her Wicked Wango Card for the season, I will accept no more double saves but will fully embrace a double elimination whenever we’re ready.
Of course Kandy being on the brink of elimination now has a fire under ass, which she has said every other time she’s been in the bottom 3, so I look forward to seeing this new found effort and fight.

And if you though Rosé’s makeup on the runway was terrifying and cursed, well guess what the Werk Room lighting does to it

Nightmares.

Punkin’ Donuts

Once Ru has finished with his rambling Klein Epstein & Parker advertisement monologue he informs the queens that the Mini Challenge for the week will be to create a punk look that has to feature a pair of tights from this week’s sponsor Snag Tights – I genuinely wonder how a company whose entire MO is that their tights don’t snag feels about the queens ripping them to shreads to create such outfits as Gottmik being naked again

and Utica looking like Marvin the Martian going through one Hell of a rebellious phase

Once fully dolled up and looking like the line-up after someone committed a crime in a Berlin sex club

the queens have to give a punky lipsync performance and I honestly wish I could remember any of it but my entire memory of the challenge was utterly erased by Tina Burner shaking her ass

I can’t believe Tina Burner’s wildly wobbling ass cheeks invented punk rock. The Kinks who? The Velvet Underground when?

Of course Tina wins because like a moon she literally eclipsed everything and wins a cash tip of $2,500 – can you imagine if she had just won a $2500 gift card for Snag Tights? She could have bought their entire red and yellow supply! Sadly they don’t do orange.

Pre-Snatch

As with every Snatch Game Ru holds a pre-match conflab in which he mostly forces queens to change their intended character and just to make sure that nobody ever tries to do Beyoncé ever again. This year he certainly wasn’t as hellbent and forcing anyone to change their option but he did fall just short of taking Elliott by the hand, showing her a blonde wig and forcing her to be Alicia Silverstone as Cher Horowitz because I think Rue McClanahan as Blanche Devereaux is firmly in the Beyoncé Snatch Game Cupboard at this point.

There’s a very good conversation between Ru and Symone about the necessity of parody and how it’s essential to drag and The Snatch Game because Symone is doing a potentially divisive choice of Harriet Tubman. This conversation was then almost completely undone when Utica sat down with her nest of squirrels that were destined to be her Bob Ross hair

The concern is that it’s “not accurate” but… it’s a parody? The joke is that he constantly talks about nature and spends his days painting it… I thought it was funny and I will die on this here squirrely hill. Utica also talks about the fact it’s to avoid allegations of cultural appropriation if she were to wear the full afro – which I get, especially given the current climate but also… Bob Ross did, unmistakably, have an afro – just make the joke the fact he loves nature!

This year’s obligatory “Who?” was Olivia Lux doing vegan TikTok superstar Tabitha Brown who she was adorably excited to do, which honestly might have been a sign she shouldn’t do it but she was still riding high off the fumes of winning the improv challenge 300 episodes ago.
Ru talks to her about the fact she needs a point of attack such as converting everyone to veganism or being a secret meat-eater and you could just about see Olivia scribbling these ideas down on a notepad as she went and panic ate all of her fruit props that she stole from the hotel breakfast buffet

Genuinely dangerous to eat a banana on screen given the fandom are ready to write fanfics about literally anything at this point.

Snatch of the Day

This year’s Snatch Game players are Victoria Porkchop Parker and acclaimed and experienced runner-up Raven who apparently didn’t have a problem with appropriation

Honey, there’s being tanned and then there’s ordering the full Addison Rae experience.

Symone as Harriet Tubman

The moment Symone cautiously emerged from beneath the desk I was completely in love with her performance

and then the punchline of her hiding from all the other white guests and shouting “FOR FREEDOM!” like William Wallace? The cherry on top.
From there she just continued to slay the competition by stamping her own face on $100 bills and Calling RuPaul “a bald headed nosey ass motherfucker” which is just a delightful phrase to imagine Harriet Tubman actually using.
But the absolute highlight for me was the moment she mixed up Jennifer Lawrence and Jennifer Lewis and her shocked expression when she realised

One of the funniest things to happen on Snatch Game ever – I just wish she had played it up as a joke better than she did because while all of Symone pre-prepared bits worked like magic, her improving wasn’t the strongest and she very often just became Symone, who has a very pronounced cadence to the was she speaks.

Gottmik as Paris Hilton

Continuing the trend of The Awkward Fashion One winning Snatch Game and blowing the comedy queens clean out of the water was Gottmik as Paris Hilton which was just the most inspired choice. The voice change during her introduction was sublime and she just never broke character once. I could listen to her vocally fried anecdotes all day, and she didn’t hold back despite having had a working relationship with Paris before and while she may have occasionally gone for the obvious, low hanging fruit her delivery was impeccable

I cannot believe we’re having to censor the word “cocks” on a show involving drag queens, America – get your shit together.

The best aspect of the whole thing was the fact Gottmik was killing it and Raven was in the room and happened to completely bomb her Snatch Game performance as Paris Hilton all those years ago.

Rosé as Mary, Queen of Scots

I unabashedly loved every part of this performance but what I loved the most was Rosé acting as though she was an authority on Mary Stuart (SHE WAS A STUART NOT A TUDOR TS MADISON) and getting none of the facts except for that she was beheaded and Scottish correct. Her studying for the roll must have been half an episode of Horrible Histories and the 2019 Saoirse Ronan film while she was flying to LA.
Her Scottish accent was a delight and only made better by the fact the Netflix captioneers completely gave up on trying to understand her halfway through every sentence

You’re doing amazing sweetie!

Tina Burner as Richard Simmons

There were so many parts of this that should have been funny but for whatever reason Tina Burner’s delivery of them was bad – her whole bit should have centred around the whole conspiracy theory that he was being held hostage by his housekeeper and yet it was a one and done joke, the rest of it being a bunch of boring exercise jokes such as Winnie the Pooh being cancelled for jogging just so that she could get up and do this

It’s a perfect case of having pre-prepared bits that you want to do and then them not fitting as answers and doing them any way and it was no surprise that Tina was largely edited out of Snatch Game.

Kandy Muse as Kandy Muse TikTok’s Rosa Patrick Starrr

I don’t know a great deal about Patrick Starrr beyond what I know from the drama channels on YouTube that I watch to fall asleep to tell me about him – which as of late it not much good…
It is clever on Kandy’s part to do someone like Patrick Starrr who has a makeup brand and a very big internet platform – there’s a lot of opportunities that can come off the back of it – we saw how well it payed off for India Ferrah on All Stars 5 when she did Jiffy Pop Starbucks for her Snatch Game – she got a whole quarantine rule breaking collaboration out of it! The only downside of this performance was that there was not a single detectable trace of anyone other than Kandy Muse in a head wrap and she got to answer one question and eat a banana, skin and all

Which honestly might have been my second favourite part of the whole show and gave Olivia her one funny line of “That’s an enthusiastic vegan!”

Olivia Lux as Tabitha Brown

So Olivia really heard RuPaul’s suggestions and decided she was going to do all of it, huh? This lacked A LOT of focus and while she had a few jokes that should have been funny her comedic timing was abominable – the question about Michelle missing *BLANK* during her vegan diet was literally a gentle underarm toss and yet Olivia still missed it!
I do wonder about her interactions with the other contestants because a lot of people seemed to be eating her fruit so clearly there were interactions, how successful they were remains to be seen but there was some obvious bits she could have done with everyone.

It was a very lacklustre performance but for what ever reason, Olivia sure was happy with it and utterly aghast that Utica would think it was maybe not the best. Although Utica’s judgements of comedy are dubious at best.

Denali as Jonathan van Ness

The look? Phenomenally on point. As for her performance there wasn’t a lot of it, her only appearance seemed to be during her introduction and her interaction between Elliott in which she talked about Antoni’s ass cheeks – which was very funny but I’m a little dubious on her getting a top placement in the episode off of a barely there edit.

Elliott as Blanche Devereaux Rue McClanahan

If they successfully banned queens from impersonating other queens during Snatch Game they could just as easily ban then from doing fictional characters and then just using the actor’s name. Also outlaw The Golden Girls, nothing good will ever come of it on Drag Race.
While this performance was utterly lacking in any sort of life or vision, I did laugh at the opening joke about her type of man being… men. She just maybe should have delivered it more like Southern Belle, Blanche Devereaux and less like a wolf that hasn’t eaten in 5 weeks. I also wish she had really pushed on the joke about Winnie the Pooh enjoying the company of a gentleman because the Piglet joke is sitting RIGHT THERE girl.
Also, just to be petty because when am I not, she spelled “lanai” wrong

I can’t believe that she went ahead with this despite Ru just about flat out saying that it wasn’t going to work and he will disappointed in it because he has seen every Golden Girls episode 25 times. ~25 whole times!~

Utica as Bob Ross

I think there are definite parts of this that are funny or were funny to Utica’s very close circle of friends but don’t really work outside of said environment. There was also no escalation to the jokes, when she was showing the landscape paintings it either needed to be the same painting over and over again or they should have become progressively more and more hellish and dystopian.
The voice was also bananas, Bob Ross is soothing and gentle, Utica sounded like an evil Texan gold prospector that was trying to kill Bugs Bunny.
Then just to cap the whole nightmare she began eating her paint

I think it was edited to look much worse than it probably was, it wasn’t quite the cringe levels of Beyoncé vs Blue Ivy or SNOOKIE WANT SMOOSH SMOOSH – I didn’t have to pause the show and walk away for 10 minutes during it, but it was still pretty bad.

A Season 13 Snatch Game Ranking

  1. Paris Home-Run for Gottmik
  2. Harriet Tubman’s Underground Railroad to Victory
  3. Rosé, Queen of Scots Abroad
  4. Jonathan van-ished
  5. Tina Burner as Surprisingly Not Ronald McDonald
  6. Kandy Muse just sitting there
  7. Tabitha who now?
  8. Bombed Ross
  9. Blanche Deserves To Go

Hats Fascinating!

The runway theme for this week was the delightfully open ended “Fascinators” – you could literally go in any direction, the obvious being a horseracing theme fit for Ascot or The Kentucky Derby, which is where Tina Burner went

I get every part of this and why it’s there, it just doesn’t all come together and looks like that trademark Tina Burner hodge-podge which probably cost a fortune to make but looks like she gathered whatever was left after a Jilly Cooper themed Hen Party. But on a real positive note, it wasn’t orange!

While Tina veered away from her trademark, Gottmik was fully back in her element with the return of her white face and looking incredible

I love that she served up this punk look after the punk mini challenge, a perfect bookended narrative.
Rosé was also firmly in her wheelhouse of bulky ruffles

I love the rose fascinator, I think it could have just been worn with a beautiful black slinky dress and it would have had more impact. As it is, the ruffles really wash out the rose, and certainly hide the spike detail along her gloves and belt

I like Rosé’s personality, she’s quick, she’s witty and she’s campy – she just hasn’t worked out how to perfectly blend that camp side into the aspirational fashion that I think she wants to serve.
Kudos to the show not making a single rose petals joke though!

After spending a couple of weeks as Vogue’s new darling, I can’t see Utica being featured in their pages for this

I do like it, I just can’t see Vogue spending a whole article waxing lyrical about how she reinvented fashion by dressing up as a picnic, which did at least give us RuPaul’s Yogi Bear impression that better than a good 70% of this season’s Snatch Game performances.
I do wish both sleeves had been the big statement mutton sleeve because right now the whole thing feels a little lopsided – the cute button ants on the opposite leg don’t quite balance it all out.

Speaking of one leg and balance, Elliott was apparently trying to look like a flamingo

I’m sorry but this is just straight up ugly – why the one baggy potato sack leg? Why not just have it as your tights, because this is just drawing more attention to it and because I am spending so long trying to visually parse it I could barely get to the fact her head looks like a Shih Tzu is losing a bloody fight against a flamingo

RuPaul’s Next Best Exotic Animal Fighter, coming to some other random streaming service next Fall!

Determined to show a new size to herself Olivia Lux has come dressed as that viral drawing of Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory as a fashion illustration

I really love the proportions of this, I don’t think it reads as nearly sinisterly as Olivia seemed to think it did, bless her little adult-toddler heart. I do think her fascinator is one of the more fashionable ones but I did enjoy the costume-y, fun approaches like Denali’s

This looks entirely pivots on the fact she’s on skates, if she had walked it wouldn’t have been nearly as well received because the actual outfit it really quite ordinary and it could have been that little bit more tailored to give it a little more shape.

Every queens will always have a couple of looks that they half ass because they only have like 5 weeks to prepare them all and Kandy’s offering this week very much felt like her half assed outfit

I love the dress, it’s the sort of vintage mime vibe that I personally am very drawn to – whether that speaks to any particular childhood trauma or not remains to be seen but I look forward to discussing it with my therapist. I just don’t know about the fascinator and whether writing your name in badly glued together pheasant feathers counts as meeting the brief.

And lastly we have the absolute mic drop that was Symone’s statement. When she first comes out it’s a striking, beautiful papal white and silhouette to match

and immediately you’re sold because she looks phenomenal and then she turns around and it’s jaw dropping

the statement obviously being the brutality that black Americans face at the hands of the police, but not only the police, and just her backing down the runway with her hands raise while reciting the names of murdered black Americans, Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, Brayla Stone, Trayvon Martin, Tony McDade, Nina Pop and Monika Diamond was chilling. It’s an incredible moment, not only for Drag Race but for television.

A Fascinator Runway Ranking

  1. Symone’s Remember Their Names Tribute
  2. Gottmik Goes Joan Jett
  3. Olivia Lux’s Laboratory
  4. Rosy Rosé
  5. Utica’s Ant Infestation
  6. Denali’s Diners, Drive-ins and Dives
  7. The Kandy Muse Signpost
  8. Elliott The Sacked Flamingo
  9. Tina Burner’s Ever Decreasing Taste Levels

After both Snatch game and the runway Kandy, Tine and Symone are all told to step forward and are deemed safe and I genuinely cannot believe that after Symone got a winning edit during Snatch Game she wasn’t *at least* in the top 3, instead the top 3 are Gottmik, Rosé and Denali which you might notice was the same as the top 3 last week. Finding themselves in the bottom are Utica, Elliott and Olivia which I get but still think Kandy needed to be called out for just doing Kandy Muse in Snatch Game.
Symone at least does get some acknowledgement from Ru before leaving the runway

While Gottmik ranks up her second win and sitting pretty for a smooth ride to the final, and I get to say my favourite 5 words: Rosé and Denali are safe.

There was a very sweet moment during the calling of the Bottom 2 when Ru said Olivia’s name and left a very long Pause while Gottmik begged for her to be safe

I personally love The Cinnamon Roll Sisters.
And then once Olivia was called safe she went to stand at the backstage and Rosé took her in like a furious mother confronting school bullies in a coming of age film

This does of course mean that Utica and Elliott are in the bottom 2.

Fascinated to Find Out

I was FASCINATED to see how Utica lipsyncs, I know we saw her in the first episode but she was kind of hindered by the fact she had a massive felt strawberry dangling from her head. It turns out, she’s oddly mesmerising, it’s just all limbs and mouth work

And the song did seem much better suited to her than it did to Elliott, it was too slow and mellow for her to really let loose and she was encumbered but the baggy pantleg that she was having to wrangle while doing some mildly embarrassing dad dancing

And while she was being lumbered with that Utica was really playing up the judges and had a fun little moment with Carson

and that will always help your case in a lipsync.
And while Utica crawled around on the floor like an out of water pondskimmer Elliott tried to strut the runway and you could see it dawning on her than she was losing this battle

and then just to seal her fate, on the final beat of the song the only queen in frame was Utica

and sure enough Elliott is told to Sashay away and and as is tradition now, the girl sashaying away seems to decide she needs a catchphrase for her inevitable merchandise

Make it hoe, I guess?
I genuinely wonder if they’ll keep using her laugh as a sound effect, please tell me someone else has noticed that every single joke someone tells is punctuating by her nasal “HAAAA!”.

And so, 8 queens remain

2 thoughts on “Drag Race 13, Episode 9: Jiffy Pop Starbucks

    1. Ariadne Griffin

      I know! By episode 9 of the UK version it’s the semi-finals and the US version has eliminated 5 queens – I am so ready for a double elimination and with it being a team challenge next week it’s a perfect chance!

      Like

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