Dancing On Ice, Movie Week: A Shower Curtain Made of Ham

I’m going to hazard a guess that Philip Schofield has been caught in more compromising positions.

It’s Movie Week which is definitely different to Musicals Week and totally not at all similar to Love Week!

I am so sorry this is so late, blame the BBC and the fact they decided to air MasterChef 3 weeks earlier than usual and put its first episode on a Monday – I am very sorry that this wasn’t up in a more timely fashion but there’s only so many words per minute I can type!

After the extended two week recovery period the show is coming back with a montage set to a cinematic cover of Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” and everything is colour graded to look like the VHS footage of The Ring which makes Faye Brookes look incredibly sinister

Category is, Samara Realness!

Of course it’s Movie Week and to honour the theme Holly has come dressed as the red carpet and Phil as every man going to The Oscars

and the judges are paying homage to James Bond and of course Barrowman is the one stroking the pussy

Would we have it any other way? Although my favourite part of it was the fact he didn’t know what to do with it during the wide shot so just began to play with it as thought it was a dolphin leaping in and out of the sea

He is worth exactly the exorbitant amount I am assuming they are paying him.

As for our celebrity skaters, they’re dressing up as some of the most iconic movie character in cinematic history, there’s double denim Billy Elliot

Generic Disco Man

You absolutely cannot convince me that Colin wasn’t given Saturday Night Fever just because they had this Halloween costume lying in the backroom.
And then of course Lady Leshurr and Brendyn are doing Jurassic Park and their costumes are so good that I genuinely thought they were doing Indiana Jones even with the iconic, swelling “Welcome to Jurassic Park” theme playing in the background

Nailed it Vicky!

The Judges’ Challenge this week is to perform a solo spin with a minimum of three rotations with bonus points on offer if it’s done on one skate. This may sound very similar to Love Week’s challenge of doing a circular step sequence out of hold.

Colin Jackson and Klabera Komini
Saturday Night Fever

In order to help with his balance and intuition during his skating Torvil and Dean enact a boarding school style etiquette lesson by making Colin carry a tray of champagne without spilling a drop

Problematic visuals? What problematic visuals?
I’m not sure quite *why* they did this, or kept it in considering that all it achieved was Christopher Dean embarrassing himself and covering the ice rink in champagne AND DEFINITELY NOT SPARKLING APPLE JUICE

A marginally more sensible training lesson was a quick visit to an abandoned overly themed nightclub

And still not a single utterance of the fact Colin Jackson not only competed in a certain dance programme but was the runner up. (CURSE THOSE DOLLS!)

The biggest problem with doing such a strongly disco themed routine is the fact it will always look a little bit steppy because of the incorporation of the classic disco moves and this was no exception. Although I think I enjoyed the disco nonsense more than this awkward buckaroo spin

it just looks very frustrating and I’m not entirely sure I can elaborate on that.
As for their Judges’ Challenge, it was not a great attempt because Colin very obviously didn’t have the speed going into it because he is still a little tentative on the ice

It’s not really a surprise considering he took quite the tumble in their rehearsals

But there are moments of very confident skating and paired spin was extremely good

although it might have also helped by the fact the camera was moving in the opposite direction making them look faster.
But as confident as he was at times the overall nervousness was quite pervasive, especially in his little bunny hops but because they were all returning after a bit of a depressing 2 weeks the judges were on hand and ready to overmark and boost morale:

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 9.0
BARROWMAN!: 9.0
Jayne: 9.0
Christopher: 9.5
Total: 37.5

This becomes a theme.

Rebekah Vardy and Andy Buchanan
Breakfast at Tiffany’s

In many ways Rebekah drew the short straw this week – she had to do a routine to Moonriver, a lovely song that does not make for a particularly exciting routine and she was going to be dressed up as Audrey Hepburn which invariably sent Flag Twitter and #BeKind Twitter into a frothing rage about how she’ll never as classy as Audrey despite them never having seen a single one of her films, for the record Rebekah Vardy did look very pretty in the vanity shoot they did prior to her routine

They certainly started off the routine very strongly, the synchronised balletic movements were absolutely on point throughout

and Rebekah’s strength has always been her ability to harness every ounce of fear she has on the ice into incredibly poise while she’s in a lift

if only she could have managed half of that confidence and power whiile attempting her solo spin

my personal favourite part of the whole routine was the moment Andy just left her sitting on the ice for a bit

as someone who gets cold very easy, that is my idea of Hell.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 8.5
BARROWMAN!: 9.0
Jayne: 8.0
Christopher: 8.5
Total: 34.0

Sonny Jay and Angela Egan
Billy Elliot

For Movie Week, (which is different to Musicals Week, we swear) Sonny Jay is taking on Billy Elliot which of course means him being in a tutu for laughs is 90% of his VT this week

It’s not as though this being funny is exactly the sort of thing Billy Elliot was critiquing… Not at all.

It’s at least a fun routine, aided entirely by the fact Sonny Jay has a seemingly natural ability to mimic the gangly, slightly uncoordinated movements of a child

And boy were they going Full Cheeky Chappy with The Monkey being done every 4 moves and one very impressive kneeslide

They do probably work better on ice though don’t they, I will never shake the image of Jason Bell trying to do a kneeslide on the Strictly dancefloor and just ramming his kneecaps into the floorboards at 90 miles per hour.

Out of all the skaters, as surprising as it might seem, he is by far the most confident on the ice, or at least he seems to fall over the least in training so he must be popular with the producers, I imagine there was bated breath during the final pose when both of them began to lean precariously

Unfortunately his take on the Judges’ Challenge was one of the weaker part of his routine, he doesn’t quite manage to maintain the one legged stance and his arms seem a little scrunched, which I think was only exacerbated by the fact he was wearing a denim jacket

He also seems to struggle a lot with move transitions, there’s always a slight pause a grimace before he has to change position or direction.
Aside from the aforementioned knee slide my favourite move of the routine was this weird jump kick that looked like some sort of two player finishing move from Mortal Kombat

We need more Ice Skating Combat games in the world. I say “more” we need at least one.

With such a fun routine and the judges on strict instructions to overmark it was no wonder that Sonny Jay managed to achieve the joint highest score of the series so far with Colin – I’m not entirely sure it deserved the 9.5s but I get that at this point we’re just doing a Dancing On Ice speed run.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 9.5
BARROWMAN!: 9.0
Jayne: 9.5
Christopher: 9.5
Total: 37.5

Faye Brookes and Matt Evers
Pretty Woman

Of course the Dancing On Ice curse wasn’t limited to the celebrities and Faye’s skating partner Hamish was banned from the ice for… finger paralysis? This meant she was no re-partnered with Matt Evers – Denise van Outen is somewhere out there sharpening knives.
As per usual they still have to facetime the injured and Hamish is there in all his beige glory

Unlike most of the other Faye gets absolutely no mention of the fact she is doing Pretty Woman in her VT because they can’t really talk about the fact it’s about a high powered man falling in love with a sex worker half his age – it’s not exactly the light-hearted ITV brand. This did of course also mean we weren’t going to get THE iconic Pretty Woman dress

It’s practically a skating outfit already you COWARDS!

As with all of Faye’s routine it’s elegant and poised but she never seems like she’s having fun, she’s so concentrated and laser focused on giving the best routine she can that you can see her trying to skate whereas with someone like Sonny Jay who is maybe not the best skater at least looks natural on the ice. She has some fun lifts and tricks which were always lacking from the routines she did with Hamish so that was nice to see

she does have a very close call coming out of her Judges’ Challenge though

Which the judges barely deduct half a mark for because we’re still doing the old Morale Boosting.
Of course they have to finish the routine off with the old necklace gag from the movie

Which is dangerous considering that her previous partner had just withdrawn after a finger related injury.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 8.5
BARROWMAN!: 8.5
Jayne: 9.0
Christopher: 8.5
Total: 34.5

Lady Leshurr and Brendyn Hatfield
Indiana Jones Jurassic Park

Fresh out of her second bottom 2 appearance and well on her way to getting her portrait hung in the Bottom 2 Goddess Hall of Fame is Lady Leshurr. The main piece of advice that Torvill and Dean have to impart to her is that she needs to attack the ice more and having been given Jurassic Park as a theme you would have thought this would be the perfect opportunity to dress her up as a velociraptor and chase Brendyn around the ice for a bit, but alas no, nobody is getting to dress up as a dinosaur.

To help her build up her character for this week she spent a lot of time just screaming at vaguely reptilian sculptures in a fairly busy park

and who else would you get a video call pep talk from for your Jurassic Park themed ice skating routine than… Matt Lucas?

Are they friends? Did he have a small part in Jurassic World: Kingdom of Doom 5 that I’m not aware of?

As for the final routine, well I’m not quite sure how much I can tell you about it because I was thoroughly distracted by the mechanical dinosaur running up and down the side of the rink

I love Leshurr but old Robosaur 3000 completely stole the show on ever level. Ok maybe she looked amazing in her outfit

I think “action film archaeologist” is an aesthetic that makes everyone look really hot.

She does manage quite a bit of solo skating, in fact for the first 15 seconds of the routine she was the only one of the ice as Brendyn sat on the sidelines having a chit chat with the robotic dinosaur

It’s strange with Lehsurr because when she’s skating on her own she looks absolutely fine but the moment she’s doing moves that rely on synchronicity with Brendyn she kind of goes to pot as was the case with her rotational Judges’ Challenge where so sort of began to teeter over

as for her “attacking the ice”, the swelling, grand operatic Jurassic Park theme they were dancing to didn’t really suit the very sharp, obvious arm thrusts she was doing

but she was kind of doing what Torvill and Dean were asking so that’s on them and while everyone else got the Morale Boosting Score Surge, Lady Leshurr apparently wasn’t invited to partake.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 8.0
BARROWMAN!: 8.5
Jayne: 8.5
Christopher: 8.5
Total: 34.5

I very much agree with the dinosaur’s opinion of Ashley’s scoring

Get her Jade-osaurus.

A Movie Week Leaderboard

  1. Generic Disco Man: ON ICE!
    • Little Boy Blue
  2. The Wrong Pretty Woman
  3. Audrey Heartburn
  4. DRESS BRENDYN UP AS A DINOSAUR YOU COWARDS

With all the routines over it was time to find who amongst our rapidly depleted cast was through to the semi-finals which will probably become the finale given the trajectory of the show. And forgive me for skipping the Family and friends VT in which the only thing worth talking about is that Denise Lewis spent her entire Sunday making this sign because her child refused to help

Children truly are the future.
Also I am skipping the Torvil and Dean routine because I have nothing to say other than the fact I am presenting this as my first point of evidence in the simmering grudge match that Vicky Gill and Jayne Torvill are currently holding

It’s like a shower curtain made of ham.

A Safety Sex Face Gallery

this does of course mean that apparent besties Rebekah and Lady Leshurr are facing off in the Skate Off, and I think we can fairly induct Lady Leshurr into the Bottom 2 Goddess Hall of Fame given this is her third time so she has to finally change her Skate Off routine and she will mostly likely be here again next week because the general public have no sense of taste.

First to take to the ice were Rebekah and Andy, the latter of which looking pretty defeated from the start

It was all stacked in your favour mate! Lady Leshurr is on her third time, they were practically itching to get rid of her!
Rebekah on the other hand seemed to be having a great time, or that was up until the moment she skittered on the ice slightly

and then the weird moment before their lift where they seemed to have a full discussion on how there were going to do it

But at least they actually got around to doing the lift, there was one they dropped entirely because Rebekah didn’t have her arms in the right place.
It wasn’t nearly as good as the last time they performed it and all Lady Leshurr really had to do was remain absolutely upright and not come to a grinding halt halfway through her routine and she would be as good as gold.

Or you know, Lady Leshurr could do absolutely none of that because in her reprisal of her Swing routine from Dance Week she had a very obvious fall that nearly took her completely out the rink

and while she may have not been as good in this routine as the last time she did it, at least Brendyn’s drop and recovery from the splits worked much better

which has to count for something, right?

When it came to the judges’ voting BARROWMAN! may have opted to save Rebekah and Andy but the other three overruled him and all opted save Lady Leshurr and Brendyn who seemed genuinely shocked by this turn of events

and so the Rebekah Vardy PR Scramble comes to a grinding halt – and she can’t even fall back on doing I’m A Celebrity later this year, there’s always Richard Osman’s House of Games – she can only be as bad at it as Patsy Kensit is!

And so 4 skaters remain… for now

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