Dancing on Ice 2021, Week 3: This Could Have Been an Email

Aah yes, the horrified yet fascinated look of anyone who witnesses a John Barrowman musical number.

It’s Musicals Week and I’ll be perfectly honest I had to consult Wikipedia for at least 4 of the 9 songs, and if I was going purely off the costumes I’d have maybe guessed a generous 3.

It’s musicals week and no way in Hell was John Barrowman going to let them start this week’s show any other way than him in sparkly suit hamming his way through a Broadway number. And ham he did

I’m sure he was hoping for something a little more well known and musically tolerable than When I Get My Name in Lights from The Boy From Oz but you can’t have everything, certainly not in this economy.

The skaters all get to do a little showcase of their skills, by which I mean they skate on, do a spin and hope they don’t crash – nobody is allowed to steal Barrowman’s number from him lest they risk a 4.5 score.

Unfortunately Denise and Matt have had to drop out during the competition and Denise is forced to watch from the side lines as she is replaced by a woman half her age and infinitely more flexible

Isn’t that always the way on television?

Holly and Phil are also both playing along with the musicals theme. Phil as Joseph and his Technicolour Dream Coat and Holly has come as the set design for Repo! The Genetic Opera

One day they’ll run out musical numbers and eventually get board of retreading Mary Poppins for the billionth time and on that day someone will have to dance to a TV friendly version of Zydrate Anatomy and only then shall I be truly happy.

The disappearances don’t stop with Denise though as Rufus Hound is still having to isolate, which the Daily Mail is still desperately trying to spin as a repercussion to his statement about the government and not because of, you know, the whole pandemic situation we’re currently all living through.
Billie is also getting a bye this week due to a family bereavement and hopefully she’ll be back and ready to compete next week.

And for the briefest of seconds I genuinely thought Barrowman might has somehow injured himself (or his ego) during his little musical showcase

but now, he just demanded a costume change – we wouldn’t have it any other way.

This week does however see the return of The Judges’ Challenge, which this week requires everyone to perform a synchronised step sequence that goes into a one legged spin lasting at least 3 rotations

Faye Brookes and Hamish Gaman
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious – Mary Poppins

Giving anyone in a dance competition Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious as a song is incredibly mean, giving it someone to someone as their second performance on this show? Honey, that’s sadistic. They didn’t even give her a decent costume to hide behind

Is Vicky Gill going through a sequin rationing?

The song is very fast – that’s the entire point of the song and Faye just couldn’t keep up with it and by the end of it was a whole 3 counts out. The only things really in her favour here is that she’s very confident on the ice, her poise during her lifts and tricks is incredible

and the rotating windmill lift was fun

If a little sloppy coming out of it.
Over all the routine was practically fine in every way, and I think was a touch overmarked by the judges to be perfectly honest.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 7.0
Jayne: 7.0
Christopher: 7.5
Total: 29

Rebekah Vardy and Andy Buchanan
Let’s Face the Music and Dance – Follow the Fleet

Big fan of the lead up to this performance being that it was from one of the biggest Fred and Ginger musicals and that Torvill and Dean had famously danced to it and then there being no footage of Rebekah Vardy finding out about the song she’d be dancing to like every other couple did because she obviously didn’t know it <3

Rebekah gets the classic Musicals Week storyline in that she’s not a natural performer and so needs some helpful advice from theatre maestro and performer extraordinaire John Barr-

Oh. No she just gets to hangout with Jason Donovan during a coffee break, I’m sure it was a helpful experience nonetheless as he tells her to hide behind her character like a mask – which somehow feels like the opposite of what she should be doing.

As it turns out, her characterisation was the least of her worries because inexplicably she has been saddled with what I can only describe as a cheap Oktoberfest wig from Amazon

I have to at least partially admire Rebekah for smiling throughout this performance while knowing she looked like she had some sort of Danish pastry atop her head. But it at least somewhat distracted from her rather stiff performance that was occasionally punctuated by a fairly entertaining trick

She just looked really uncomfortable out on the ice this evening and I’m sure it’s slightly because she knows everyone online is going to tell her she wasn’t nearly as graceful as Ginger Rogers ever was. Which… ok guys, calm the hell down, during this number in Follow the Fleet Ginger literally looks like a gazelle doing ballet

It was, shall we say, not her best performance.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 6.0
Jayne: 6.5
Christopher: 6.5
Total: 25

Sonny Jay and Angela Egan
Flash, Bang, Wallop – Half a Sixpence

Whoever made the decision to make the man who got engaged a mere 5 months ago dance a wedding themed ice skating routine with a woman who is not his fiancée a raise because they are not being payed enough. The Express is going to be dining out on this FOR WEEKS.

He is of course still dining out on having won the golden ticket, which some may say is “a bit” and I am almost entirely certain that he has taken that golden ticket everywhere he goes

and that sleeps at night while cradling it.

Despite falling during his dress rehearsal

Sonny Jay still does very well – it’ll interesting to see how he plays a routine that doesn’t rely on his *sigh* “Cheeky Chappy” personality – I very much want to see him wilt beneath the weight of a skate to Hello by Adele.

A lot of his sloppier skating is easily hidden behind comedic expression and mercilessly mugging to camera, but honestly nothing could quite disguise the laboured cartwheel

But at least he remained on beat and yet was somehow scored a whole point lower than Faye, which may have been because his go at The Judges’ Challenge felt distinctly underwhelming

But Faye doesn’t have a Golden Ticket, does she?

And that’s the real trophy.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 7.0
Jayne: 7.0
Christopher: 7.0
Total: 28

Amy Tinkler and Joe Johnson
Fame – Fame

God bless whichever storyline producer decided to have Denise come and watch Amy and Joe during the dress rehearsal and thus created this deliciously awkward scene

I know the whole social distancing aspect probably made it more awkward, but Denise saying “Just got out there and enjoy yourself” through gritted teeth wasn’t exactly helping. It was the absolute pinnacle of “this could have been an email.”.

The main trouble Amy faces is the fact she needs to learn to bend her legs after a lifetime of gymnastics coaches telling her to straighten them as much as possible. By the time their performance came around she had mostly gotten over this rather tiny hurdle, and by God has she come to play! I can see her pulling a full Kelvin Fletcher and winning the whole show while having been a reserve choice. Their take on The Judges’ Challenge was by far and away the most original and impressive looking

I don’t really know why they’ve been put in lime green and purple, they’re not colours I particularly associate with Fame and the end result makes them look more like The Joker enrolled in a jazzercise class. Where’s that performance Joaquin Phoenix?

I think the only thing Amy really needs to work on is going harder in her performances, she was getting a little bit lost, which is understandable consider that Joe is going Full Theatre Kid for every second of the routine

and is absolutely using his TV debut to showboat as much as possible

I was fully prepared to become a Joe Johnson Stan Account and then he uttered the only words that can turn my blood to ice “Hobnobs are the best biscuits!” – LIKE A KNIFE TO MY HEART, and I choose to believe is the reasoning behind Jayne’s score of 6.5.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 7.0
Jayne: 6.5
Christopher: 7.0
Total: 28

Graham Bell and Katarina Manta
Born to Hand Jive – Grease

If Rebekah Vardy thought she had an uphill struggle, then Graham Bell was trying to climb performative Everest. He’s trying to match the unnerving sexuality of John Travolta as Danny Zuko and as we have established, Graham Bell dances like this

They don’t really give him much help getting him into character beyond putting him in a leather jacket and making him mug to camera

(the fact they couldn’t even be bothered to get him to Skype Ray Quinn <3)
During his private vamping sessions Colin Jackson walks in wearing his dressing gown and suddenly this became a VERY different film

but to be fair to him he does look as much like a teenager as anyone in Grease ever managed

Unfortunately absolutely none of this payed off and instead he spent most of the routine looking entirely vacant and seemingly dreading each next move more than the last culminating in what I can only imagine was a scream of pure terror

I’m a little baffled as to why, out of the entire playbill of Grease, they chose to make them dance to Born to Hand Jive – a song that mostly featured Danny dancing with Cha-Cha DiGregorio and Sandy being very upset about it.

I do think he was very generously marked considering his take on The Judges’ Challenge was rather feeble

I’ve seen a dog mark its territory get a higher leg lift than that!

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 6.5
Jayne: 6.0
Christopher: 6.0
Total: 25

Jason Donovan and Alexandra Schauman
Don’t Leave Me This Way – Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

Is it maybe a little bit unfair to give someone a character that they’ve literally played before? Yeah perhaps a bit, but Jason is kind of suitably terrible at skating that it genuinely didn’t come across as too much of an advantage. And I’m glad he went the full hog with the costume

Remember when he did the Priscilla Tango on Strictly and all he was given were a pair of giant fans and a pink suit?

His over-exuberance during his skate didn’t quite align with his actual ability and it was a bit like watching a clown trying to entertain a crowd of children after having just been dosed up with horse tranquilizers, particularly the move in which he straddled Alexandra like a toilet and came to an unfortunate grinding halt

Hands down the most memorable move of the entire evening, it certainly stood out more than his rather dainty go at The Judges’ Challenge

Bless him, someone could have thrown him a bone and scored him at least one 6.0.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 5.5
Jayne: 5.5
Christopher: 5.5
Total: 22

Lady Leshurr and Brendyn Hatfield
If My Friends Could See Me Now – Sweet Charity

I’m so glad she made it through the skate off (that she absolutely didn’t for a moment deserve to be in) and that she’s managed to come back swinging with one of the better performances of the night. There are still a number of moments where she looks very Bambi-ish and as though she’s about to slide spread-eagle across the ice

but her personality really shown and despite the occasional stumble she looked nothing short of radiant at every moment

We wont dwell too much on the lift at the end that very obviously went mildly to very wrong

and it’s certainly in her favour that she’s so petite and that Brendyn can thing swing her around the place like the proverbial cat

and while her go at the Judges’ Challenge didn’t quite reach the heights of Amy’s it was at least the second best one

and I would argue that she deserved at least half a mark higher for that alone.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 6.0
Jayne: 6.5
Christopher: 6.0
Total: 24.5

Colin Jackson and Klabera Komini
I Will Always Love You – The Bodyguard

It’s fair to say that nobody quite matched the delight of Colin finding out what song he’d be dancing to this week

His main struggle is managing to maintain the brooding machismo of Frank, the titular bodyguard, and so who best to teach him than musical superstar and sex symbol John Barr-

Alexandra Burke! In what is one of the best Zoom calls to ever be televised, David Tennant and Michael Sheen COULD NEVER

His performance is one of the utmost elegance, there is a thin line between sexy brooding and mild boredom and I think Colin kind of Edward Cullens it and lands somewhere between the two

There are only a few moments where he has a slight wobble

but his recovery is impeccable and he deserves a lot of recognition for managing this lift so early on in the competition

That’s a delicate balancing act considering he’s doing it on ice.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 7.5
Jayne: 7.5
Christopher: 7.5
Total: 28.5

Joe-Warren Plant and Vanessa Bauer
The Room Where It Happens – Hamilton

Big fan of Chris doing a pratfall

and then absolutely nobody being very impressed by it

Dad jokes to the very end.

I think it’s fair to say we found out where the budget went for this episode considering that Joe-Warren is dancing to The Room Where It Happened from Hamilton (A CURSE UPON LIN MANUEL MIRANDA) and they got some pretty cool outfits to do it in

There’s a slight iffiness about giving him the Hamilton routine considering that the whole point of Hamilton was that the cast was mostly non-white actors – MAKE HIM KING GEORGE YOU COWARDS.

Joe-Warren could easily have faced the same issues as Faye did – both had very speedy songs and I think overall Joe-Warren coped a little better with it than Faye – except for the little wobble at the end where he very nearly goes head over heels again

But he very much deserved to finish at the top of the leaderboard this week.

Judges’ Scores:
Ashley: 7.0
Jayne: 8.0
Christopher: 8.0
Total: 30

The Week 3 Leaderboard

  1. Problematic Hamilton
  2. Totes Masc Colin Jackson
  3. Budget Mary Poppins
  4. Sonny Jay’s Mormon Marriage
    • The Joker Does Jazzercise
  5. Danny Zuko Changes History
    • Rebekah Vardy’s Wig
  6. Lady Leshurr’s Charitable Effort
  7. Priscilla, Queen of Dirt Last

I still love that this show only gives the audience 6 minutes to cast their phone-in votes out of pure fear of losing any more viewers once the show ticks past 8pm.
And after those 6 minutes it’s time to find out who’s safe and who manages to up their game in the Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery

and with that it means that our bottom two are Eternal Dad Dancer Graham Bell and Rebekah Vardy’s failed PR Scramble

At least she gets to leave that wig behind for her skate-off routine.

The Skate Off

First to take to the ice are Rebekah and Andy, the later of which looks like he has been hurriedly put into a Aladdin panto costume

and it was looking pretty good for Graham at this point because one of their earlier lifts goes a touch wrong

and to say Rebekah looked pissed off afterwards is an understatement but she recovers well and gives the rest of the routine a solid skate, culminating in a life that isn’t quite as spectacularly batshit as Brendyn spinning Leshurr around on his head but it was certainly in the same vein

It was a very good performance but nothing that made her completely untouchable and if Graham had come out and done something a little more memorable it probably would have gone a little better for him.
I did very much enjoy Rebekah and Andy walking directly in front of the camera during Holly and Phil introducing Graham and Karina’s introduction

and then they came out and did a perfectly fine routine dressed as Tinkerbell and Ryan Stiles from Whose Line Is It Anyway?

It was by far Graham’s best skate, and it actually felt like he was truly ice dancing as opposed to gingerly walking across the ice and occasionally picking up Karina like a sack of potatoes.

Inevitably it’s a unanimous decision to save Rebekah – this show is desperate for some sort of conflict – I mean the main “ice enemies” were Colin Jackson and Graham Bell – back better horses guys.

Apparently next week is Dance Week, which is a strange theme for a show called Dancing on Ice…

And so, 10 skaters remain

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