Katya looking deliciously smug before they had been announced as safe <3

The dreaded first results day is here and if you’re anything like me you spent all of Sunday biting your nails in fear over how this bottom two was going to go because you’ve decided to stan the one black female celebrity on a show with a track record that is *not great* in getting them very far.

As it turns out sometimes the British public can be trusted but don’t worry, there was plenty of fright and terror to be found on Not Halloween Week Results show, including but not limited to Claudia’s distessingly flesh coloured sequined trousers

It’s like skin disease but make it FASHION!

With the lack of Ooky Spooky Dances yesterday the pros are here to give you a Haunted Carnival Spectacular with Janette playing the lead and giving off some major Judy from Sleepaway Camp energy

She’s a hapless teen who is lured in by a creepy top-hatted Anton, which at this point is just typecasting, to get her fortune told by Luba, a fortune teller trapped in the in-between of Trixie Mattel and Helena Bonham Carter

Apparently it’s not good news for Janette as an army of creeps and freaks emerge on the scene and toss her around like cats toying with a mouse

Janette’s core strength is outrageously terrifying and I will be spending the entirety of the next year working on a way to dress up as Janette Manrara’s Abs for Halloween. After a lot of animalistic crawling, posturing and doing this to camera for extensive periods of time:

Luba finishes her spell and traps Janette within the fortune teller’s box:

Beginning to think the fortune was just a warning to Janette about the imminent Lockdown 2: Electric Boogaloo because right now being contained in your own personal box seems a pretty safe place to be. I do want to see the halfway between the double denim teenager and her transformation into witchy drag queen – what does that look like exactly?

It’s on to the first half of the results reveal and now many of you may know that this year the Strictly recapper Monkseal hung up his recapping hat – a huge loss to the fans but you can still follow him on Twitter where he is just as funny, observant and on hand to correct this show with his boundless knowledge and statistics but one of the best parts of his Results Show recaps were the Safety Sex Faces, and so I present to you The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery:

And the onto our first casualty of the night as Jamie Dodger and Karen find themselves in the bottom 2:

Oti texts a single “LOL💩” to Kelvin. The two of them don’t seem surprised but I would be heartily riled up if I landed in the bottom after doing a Fred and Ginger style American Smooth AND getting a video message from my mother and very cute dog – it’s like a free pass to the next week! Meanwhile, over with Jacqui and Anton:

JUST PUT HER OUT OF HER MISERY GUYS.

And if you thought Tess trying to compute sympathy was awkward and hard to watch, add six feet between her and her supposed target of sympathy and you get something even more dystopian. Also, because the studio is empty you can hear all of the other dancers leaving the stage as their shoes squeak along the floor and it is delightfully ramshackle. Most of the judges’ advice for Jamie is “You’ll be fine, you’re obviously going to be up against Jacqui so just, try not to injure yourself maybe? That’d be a great help.”

But now on to a new fixture and highlight of the show, Claudia’s Covid Safe Interiew Carousel:

It’s like that Penguin Race toy that I could literally watch for hours. It’s a round of quick rapid fire interviews, mostly with hints as to what everyone will be doing for Movie Week next week with HRVY and Janette revealing they’re going to be garden gnomes and everyone assumes it’s because of Gnomeo and Juliet but you’re all forgetting the cinematic masterpiece that was Sherlock Gnomes. Caroline excitedly squawks her way through the interview revealing it’s couple’s choice for her next week and she’ll be doing her favourite movie – praying for a Theatre/Jazz performance of The Devil Wears Prada to be honest. JJ’s least favourite practice days are Mondays which I am taking as a hint that for his movie week dance he’ll be Garfield and Amy will be dressed up as a lasagne as they dance to the Kibbly Kat theme tune.

And now it’s time for guest performer Sam Smith and they have come dressed as a glittery skeletal matador:

The Unpartnered are apparently their own bubble so Sam has Nancy and Neil dancing around them. Nancy is in a silver fabric of such a weight and texture that it frequently just makes her look like a robot from that episode of Doctor Who where they end up in the futuristic episodes of reality TV:

You know the one, where John Barrowman pulls a very small gun out of his bum and murders android Trinny and Susannah? Late 2000s primetime TV was a lot.

Apparently we’re still going ahead for The Consultation of the Judges this year and also Bruno is being Skyped in from the empty Dancing With The Stars studio and it’s almost impressive that you can feel him manspreading over a video call

The useful thing though is that it’s much easier to ignore Bruno now as Shirley is talking about Bill and Oti and Bruno tries to give his 2 cents and Claudia just about puts him on mute – it’s amazing. It’s also getting a bit noticeably obvious that Craig is the only one being asked to give opinions on Nicola and Katya’s partnership because y’know… gay (and not liable to something weird… Bruno.)

Then we get the social media plug which is only worth mentioning because drag queens are very popular right now and Strictly wanted in on that without having them on the main show so has given them a digital series in which they react to dances – it’s like a very specific Gogglebox, but really I only want to talk about the fear, delight and urgency in which Jamie exclaims “It’s Blu Hydrangea!” – He’s such a goober, I love him.

The Monkseal Memorial Safety Sex Face Gallery continues:

You’re going to have to work harder than that Bill.

Which leaves a choice between Jason and Luba and Jacqui and Anton – which really could have only gone one way:

And that was the correct way. Tess (attempts to) lament with Jacqui that “nobody wanted to be in this position” and she’s right – least of all the audience who now has to watch the most cursed game of charades all over again. Shirley has some interesting advice for Jacqui who she says “made no mistakes” and it’s hard to make a mistake when the routine is just one big mistake – she also says Jacqui was “on time with the music” which would imply that Anton was out of time to the music because they were not dancing to the same beat – let alone the same dance.

Claudia’s Covid Safe Carousel continues first with Jason and Luba and Luba has to reveal to Jason what his routine was and like a very out of touch parent talking to their toddler she tells him they are “doing a Star Wars” and then forgets what a lightsabre is and mimes one:

She’s a gift and I’m glad she’s beginning to warm up to the show after being a little withdrawn – I think Jason really is the perfect contestant for her. But she had better come dressed as the full Queen Amidala – no copping out with Rey. Max apparently bought all the women flowers for the first show, he looks mortified that this has been made public, like a child who accidentally signed their name on a secret Valentine’s Card:

This does however mean by the BBC’s new FAIR AND UNBIASED Guidelines he now has to buy a bouquet for every man on the show – thems the rules baby. The embarrassment is only going to increase as Dianne reveals to this poor sausage and human guineapig that for Movie Week he will be Homer Simpson, his reaction is everyone’s reaction:

How do we stop this? Can we petition the government? Is there time? They’re not too busy are they? Also getting the cartoon treatment is Maisie who is going to be Elsa which is curious because – who is Gorka going to be? Because Elsa’s only real companions are Anna and that murder horse she rides in the Frozen 2 – so it’s a toss up between Olaf and a reindeer because they are absolutely the worst options for this. Also, will it be a poor cover version of Let It Go or Let It Go 2: Into The Unknown?

And then it’s the battle of the Bottom 2 – and really it’s a wash out as Jamie does a significantly improved performance, hitting all his postures and lines correctly as well as managing to not get himself tangled up this time – his hands however are still splayed apart like he’s trying to dry nail polish but compared to Anton steering Jacqui around the floor like a child playing with a hobby horse Jamie is practically Fred Astaire. And yet, somehow Jacqui is even worse as she isn’t even lipsyncing to the song in time and for quite awhile I thought she was just mouthing for someone to rescue her from the death trap of a swing. Luckily the judges are on hand to release her from this torment as it’s 3-0 to Jamie.

Jacqui is very grateful to the show and seems to have enjoyed the experience so I’m glad she had fun and somehow the show manages to put a Best Bits montage together for her – I’d have just run a black screen. Then because of Covid the last dance isn’t the massive group hug it used to be, instead it’s Jacqui and Anton alone on the dance floor as everyone shouts their consolations and support from just off screen – I think it would be sad if I weren’t so numb to the entire situation.

So join us next week for Movie Week and if you thought that Movie Week being in the first week of November and the BBC’s new FAIR AND POLITICALLY UNBIASED Guidelines would mean that the Remembrance Day Waltz-a-Thon would be cancelled YOU’RE DEAD WRONG – apparently war doesn’t fall within the remit.