All Stars 5, The Finale Recap: Bambi in a Hurricane

derrick drops crown

Derrick Barry is the only de-crowned non-crowned Queen in Drag Race herstory.

Our Top Three:

Fresh off the elimination of Blair and all we have really to discuss is track records and progress in the show, or at least that’s all Shea and Cracker have to do because Jujubee spends most of her time trying to get comfortable on the sofa like she is the weirdest looking cat you’ve ever seen

jujubee trying to sit

or just the cat from that Halloween episode of The Simpsons

halloween cat

They then descend into a not all producer prodded pillow fight that is overly dramatised like it’s one of Lee Dawson’s (belated) RuCaps

jujubee hits cracker

and it’s maybe only the 3rd hardest I cringed all episode.

Bring Back My Tepid Drama

They’re back and Blair is wearing an outfit that gives her the same proportions of a chicken from Chicken Run

blair st clair looks like a chicken

Fashion to the very end.

This was the real meat of the episode with the eliminated Queens ready to hash out their varying degrees of India related drama which all takes place on the Werk Room sofas in lieu of putting RuPaul through the trouble of hosting an actual reunion – hey, she can barely be bothered to read those video messages on Canada’s Drag Race, she’s not going to sit in a room for 3 hours listening to India Ferrah explaining her Las Vegas conspiracy theories, who do you think she is? Louis TheRuPaul?

The returning queens initially hide behind the Puppet Glory Hole,

blair gloryhole

because apparently they couldn’t be bothered to pull the two way mirror stunt again (or buy a new prop) and Jujubee, Cracker and Shea absolutely have no idea they’re behind it. Nope. None at all. They never once furtively glance at it. Definitely no clue that 6 people are hiding behind it. The camera pointing at it definitely gave NOTHING AWAY.

Derrick and India hash out their butted heads, by which Derrick demands an apology and India gives most of an apology, although never specifies what she was apologising for – was it the “Pig in a Wig” comments? Was it the Las Vegas shooting conspiracy theories? The general mistruthiness of her tweets? We’ll never know.

The self eliminations are another cause of consternation – mainly for Mariah who believes that Mayhem could have done her the courtesy of bowing out before everyone (WRONGLY) eliminated her – although I am absolutely not going to pretend that Mariah wouldn’t have been sent home in the improv challenge, because at that point India’s pact with whatever demonic demagogue was still firmly in place and we do be knowing comedy isn’t Mariah’s strong point – although as that challenge went it was nobody’s strong point.

The India/Mayhem alliance comes up and everyone seems to act like a pact between two of the filleriest filler queens that ever fillered was ever a threat to ANYONE. The best part of this though is Mariah being incredulous that Mayhem gave her up FOR INDIA?

she gave herself up for INDIA

Her delivery had some serious “NOW A WARNING?” energy to it which was spectacular.

The piling on of India Ferrah continues as we wade into the ever changing circumstances of Alexis Mateo’s Campaign for Presidency. The apparent “campaigning” is no said to have happened on the side of the stage, AFTER the queens had actually voted, and once again this is all films, we know there is a camera constantly on the Queens in this moment because we get their reactions to the lipsync and the Assassin reveal so for the receipts to not even roll casts even further doubts on whether or this even happened. I really wish India would just tell them she was desperate, it was a last ditch effort to save herself because apparently Cthulhu’s Insurance only covered her for 3 bottom appearances.

I think it was fair to say that the only one truly living through this entire laborious catalogue and half truths and ill-advised tactics was Derrick Barry

derrick reacts

Oh she cannot wait to tell the entire Vegas Strip about ALL of this.

Todrick Hall’s Voluntary Dance Class

The main finale challenge, as ever, is the elaborate group number to a new RuPaul song, in this case it’s Clap Back! which I am sure Ru believes is enough of a comment on the quite frankly awful trend of fans sending queens death threats on Twitter. It’s not.

Todrick Hall is back to choreograph, fresh out of Sixth Form apparently

todrick hall outfit

His troops of hot dancers are here as well and will imaginably be paid in instalments of Ritz crackers and blocked phone numbers.

He does his usual routine of stank faces the moment a queen doesn’t execute the choreography flawlessly after the first attempt. Although we do know Jujubee doesn’t have the greatest track record in terms of dance ability whereas as Shea can tear up a dancefloor and Cracker can knock out a stunning soft shoe shuffle when she wants to – although it will always be several beats behind in an oddly endearing way – we love a white girl who is aware.

And if any of them are terrible Blair is on the sidelines going full Nomi Malone

blair learning choreo

taking notes and ready to sabotage all of them and take their places. This is the Blair St. Clair showcase now BITCHES. Can you imagine Blair trying to do Shea’s choreography? Like Bambi in a hurricane.

Podcast Away

podcast sunday riley

Lol, nobody cares about this. Less so because it’s being sponsored by Sunday Riley, noted review inflators and all round scam artists.

Club. Legend. Art. PAY YOUR DANCERS Back!

clap back

They were never going to let this be a disaster, and while all of their verses are entirely forgettable all of them are given pieces of choreography that play to their strengths – Juju gets some good, simpler choreography that plays up well to her ability to lipsync and emote so well.

jujubee clap back

Cracker gets some goofy Stepford Wife number which is silly and fun

cracker clap back

and probably the most of enjoyed her particular brand of dancing all season because it didn’t involve her barrelling down the runway like Jaymes Mansfield in the cheerleading challenge.

cracker rolling

Shea of course gets the most uptempo and complex choreography and pretty blows the other two out of the water.

shea clap back

That cartwheel from one man’s shoulders to another’s is INCONIC. Again, couldn’t tell you what she was saying but she ate the routine up.

The other queens get a little moment and Derrick can’t even recite the two lines she had to learn and look petrified throughout

derrick barry clap back

she’s really dedicated to the Britney bit isn’t she? And India Ferrah is just wearing her dance outfit from the I’m In Love challenge.

The Mainstage

rupaul runway outfit

I think I like this? Mostly. I like shiny things, what more can I say? It does look a bit like the colours of a particularly ugly college football team though. But maybe it’s just because Todrick is here dressed like he’s The Mad Hatter at Tim Burton’s funeral

todrick hall judging outfit

Best Drag

The runway for the finale is of course Best Drag and the eliminated queens have all been invited back for it to showcase the gowns they obviously spent the most money on – Blair St. Clair did not spend upwards of $12,000 on that finale outfit for it to just be an Instagram post.

India Ferrah

India Ferrah Best Drag

Nice try with the attempt to distract everyone with your giant roaming tits but nothing can entirely pull focus from this nightmare dress.

Mayhem Miller

Mayhem Miller Best Drag

I want to love this, the colour on her is divine, the face is GORGEOUS as ever, but the fit of it… satin is an unforgiving fabric at the best of times but this one is harbouring a grudge.

Derrick Barry

Derrick Berry Best Drag

I’m glad Derrick got at least one moment in the sun, because she does look very beautiful here, the wig is a little wiggy – that ice blonde always will be but that gown just fits so impeccably, and the crown was a lovely touch until it shimmied right off of her head because clearly someone told her to do the Blair St. Clair Shimmy Shhh and she had no idea why she was doing it <3.

Alexis Mateo

Alexis Mateo Best Drag

From someone like Alexis this is a little underwhelming – her eye makeup is so startling and beautiful that I wish it had a dress that had as much impact, maybe if the pattern was slightly bolder, or the ruffles just maybe a scooch more purposeful it would have read better.

Miz Cracker

Miz Cracker Best Drag

She’s at least the most glamorous squid in the ocean. I love how this is embellished, and the colour palette on her skin is better than the greens and blues she has been working with for a lot of the season but nnce again, my issues with this are purely for its fit, just a little more cinched at the waist and a better neckline – if you’re not going to contour your chest, STOP EXPOSING IT. The wig however is a total serve and is largely letdown by the outfit being a bit undercooked.

Mariah Balenciaga AKA Mariah Paris, AKA Mariah Successful

Mariah Best Drag

She is just so entrancingly beautiful – the blend on that severe eyeshadow is a work of art. the gown is maybe a little heavy – I’d maybe swap out some of the scales for more of a diaphanous fabric to give it some airiness.

Ongina

Ongina Best Drag

Honestly, God bless that alligator head fascinator – truly one of the only things I remember from Season 1. Her outfit was definitely the most fun on the runway, and by virtue of this one of the more memorable.

IT’S BlAiR sT. ClARr

Blair St Clair Best Drag

I’m not even sure what this is – it’s like a Swarovski figurine jellyfish – the combination of hard and soft is very well done, the knotting in the front could have maybe been tidier? But the way her face is framed by that braided crown? STUNNING.

Shea CouleƩ

Shea Coulee Best Drag

This is a masterclass in playing with volume, it helps that Shea is incredibly statuesque. The colour is stunning on her skin, the story behind it was heartwarming – it’s everything RuPaul loves in a winner, which Shea damn well knows.

Jujubee

Jujubee Best Drag

This is just flat out one of the best outfits in the show’s history – it’s quite literally divine.

The Shea Dynasty

After a lengthy praise session from the judges it is decided that all three of the queens must lipsync and all of them change into new, worse, costumes the only one of which to be dressed for a crowning is Shea

crowning outfits

Jujubee, that is a lovely cat toy of a dance outfit and Cracker looks like a Christmas Cracker – I swear to God I wrote that and only realised on my read through before publishing this.

They lipsync to Make Me Feel by Janelle Monae. It’s a lipsync of varying degrees of success, at the top you have Shea just commanding attention and doing a wonderful version of The Robot

shea doing the robot

and almost certainly doing it to make fun of Cracker – the moment she started shimmying after Cracker scattered her own ashes from her tits

shea shimmying behind cracker

ICONIC.

Jujubee is great, maybe perhaps over emoting a little bit

jujubee over emoting

she’s going full Black Velvet when she didn’t really have to – I was also very distracted and worried about her slowly entangling herself in her fringe.

jujubee tangles

Then we have Cracker in her boxy little leotard dancing like Olive Hoover – like I say, she is very endearing to watch try, and God bless her for it AND THEN, when the song does that momentary pause and you know she is about to pull those tit-corks out and reveal SOMETHING she does it and…

cracker reveal

HONEY. Just a grey cloud of what I imagine was glitter wafts out like she’s tossing ashes into the ocean – the lack of a cut to of any sort of reaction from the judges or the other queens was nothing short of murder.

It is a really fun lipsync – certainly the best three way lipsync we’ve ever had on the show – this is NOT an endorsement of 3 way lipsyncs.

And so we must crown our winner, not that it was a surprise because Netflix spoiled it on the LOADING SCREEN OF THE DAMN EPISODE!!!! Anyway Shea is crowned out latest All Stars winner – as we all knew she would be the moment she stepped through that door FIRST. I’m happy for her, you should be happy for her, Shea is very emotional and it’s clearly a cathartic moment for her.

shea wins

Long may she reign, or until Asia O’Hara wins All Stars 6 and the official title of Asia O’Hara’s Drag Race.

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