All Stars 5, Episode 7 Recap: Acid Trip of a Fursuit

happy ass mirror

Happy Ass

May I Take Your Order?

cracker deciding order

In light of there being no drama because the elimination of Alexis Mateo was a unanimously wrong decision the only source of tension comes from the fact Cracker gets to decide the order of the comedy routines for this week’s main challenge. She takes this job incredibly seriously and exposits her EVIL PLAAAAAAAN in a way that even Bond Villains think is too on the nose. Jujubee gets to go first because setting a tone is hard, Blair is second because the likelihood of Juju bombing is low and Cracker thinks she needs to make things very hard for Blair because…

blair has been funny

WHERE ARE THE RECEIPTS? Sure her Hotel Room sketch was good, if a pale copy of Club 96, and she tied in the Reading Challenge more for being surprisingly not shit but what else has she done? She bombed Snatch Game, she vanished in the She-MZ challenge and her Play Cousin monologue was notably terrible.

Putting Blair second leads into a safe spot for Cracker to put herself third followed by Shea who is apparently meant to be incredibly intimidated by Cracker’s comedy routine – I personally don’t see it but I admire her confidence.

#RossMathewsIsOverParty

ross and jane krakowski

In order to help the queens work through their material they get a session with Ross Mathews and Jane Krakowski – one of these people is more helpful than the other. The best part of the whole episode was the Queens’ reactions when they walked onto the stage and saw that Jane Krakowski was there, and her mutual stanning of Blair St. Clair was adorable.

I honestly think we would have got SIGNIFICANTLY better stand up routines if Jane had done this on her own because Ross Mathews’ advice was awful and terribly delivered – him telling Shea to “channel Whoopi Goldberg” and then doing a terrible blaccent was horrifically uncomfortable. THEN, just to top it all off he tells her to process The Sasha Velour Incident of 2017 by making fun of it – something Shea has been vocal about not feeling comfortable making light of yet. He also laughed at all of the jokes Blair payed someone to write for her, and look how that turned out.

Comedy Chops and Apple Sauce

Oh boy was the result of this challenge absolutely dire and an incredibly uncomfortable 15 minutes that not even an overly trigger happy sound editor could save with a laugh track. It’s like they had absolutely no time to prepare or practice because both Jujubee and Blair are clinging to those notebooks like they are the only things keeping them afloat and then halfway through the comedy stylings of Blair St. Clair as Farrah Moan, her notebook turns against her and refuses to cooperate

blair fumbling notepad

You try leafing through a notepad with nails that long! Her routine was on such a cringe level that I had to actually turn the volume off and read her jokes because HOLY MOTHER OF GOD and then she has the audacity to end the routine on a joke that she stole from Shea WHO IS SITTING RIGHT THERE. She’s Blair St. Clair and she’s a bad girl now.

Jujubee sadly doesn’t fare much better than Blair, although she absolutely has the only two jokes that made me properly laugh:

1 blond joke1 blond joke punchline

I do love Jujubee and Cracker’s relationship, weird pickle chopping ritual and all.

jujubee gwynethjujubee gwyneth 2

jujubee gwyneth 3jujubee gwyneth 4

I’m always here for a Gwyneth Paltrow read.

Cracker has by far the most confidence and is the most comfortable, her jokes are fine – thank God Jane steered her away from doing a parody of a TED Talk – she drops a few Drag Race-isms which is the easiest thing to do to get laughs on this show. I think it is worth nothing that her routine also the shortest – by quite a considerable amount. Shea follows up the routine with the best she can manage after only a morning of preparation, a ginger ale binge and severe indigestion

shea burping

But hey, at least she has the fact she looks FUCKING GORGEOUS to fall back on:

shea coulee standup

Honestly, God bless her. Out of all the Queens Shea took the most literal notes from Jane and Ross (Blair apparently took none and decided to do the opposite of everything he told her and sunk herself by her own volition) and her set was much improved because of it (although thank God she didn’t listen to Ross about Whoopi…) she cracks a losing lipsync and a robbery joke through gritted teeth.

Although I think overall, it probably was a deserved win for Cracker, purely by virtue of actually seeming in control of her set.

The Lewks

RuPaul Mainstage

Bitch stole Cracker’s Look!

The theme for the runway was Freak Out – essentially it’s the Club Kid runway but with a new name – not that I’m complaining, these recurring alternative drag runway categories frequently deliver the best looks, which is why this runway was marginally disappointing? I was expecting so much wackery.

4. Cracker

miz cracker plague doctormiz cracker plague reveal

I love this concept – Plague Doctor is high on my list of desired Drag Race lewk concepts but the execution of this just feels ever so slightly off, maybe it’s that the Plague Doctor outfit looks like it’s made out of a snuggie, maybe it’s the fact the reveal feels unrelated? She can tell me she was meant to look dead, but 2 mismatched contact lenses does not a death cosplay make. It also doesn’t help that we’ve had Shea do the nude illusion bodysuit to absolute perfection so this YA Novel tattooed villain body kind of lacks. The hair is amazing though and at least she has eyebrows this week.

3. Shea

Shea freak look

This was the most disappointing – her previous Club Kid Look was iconic, mostly for that scene of her hot gluing pearls to her mask while she was wearing it but iconic nonetheless. The judges called out its simplicity, a hand dyed Mongolian lamb cape, does not a freaking look make. I think we’ve just seen the whole 90s Raver look so often it’s become much more palatable – I do love her makeup – the two toned eyelashes, the stars on her cheeks and the band-aid across her nose – it’s all what I think TikTokers would consider “freakish”.

2. Blair St. Clair

blair freak look

I love the fact the judges read Shea to filth for wearing a bodysuit and a harness and then fell over themselves for this acid trip of a fursuit. Albeit, at least Blair had a much more succinct character and her makeup heavily nodded back to Siouxsie Sioux – we know how much Ru and Michelle love it when they can make an 80s reference.

1. Jujubee

jujubee freak look

Congratulations for being the only person who did this runway correctly, pass Go, pick up £200.

Fancy That

Cracker is the winner and after hearing all the queens make their case for being saved backstage

queens on the couch

Honestly, hang this in The Louvre. Blair makes her best attempt to say that someone who wins Allstars doesn’t have to actually have been good in most of the challenges which is some blind confidence, and in the end she pretty much ends up just making the case for herself to be eliminated. It’s a short and sweet deliberation which gives Cracker more than enough to time to DO THIS HATECRIME TO HER OWN FACE

cracker lipsync makeup

She finds herself lipsyncing to Reba McEntire’s “Fancy” a song that is notorious for being joyless to lipsync to because there are so many words and for some reason they decided to get Kennedy Davenport, famous for her splits and kicks, to come in and perform to this listless, ambling country ballad.

kennedy davenport

It’s honestly a dire lipsync that nobody truly won, least of all Cracker for managing to have this happen to her halfway through

cracker reba lipsync malfunction

But despite this she manages the win because she at least manages to look like she isn’t muttering “watermelon, watermelon watermelon” over and over again, but also because the show doesn’t want to be seen to hanging on to $20,000. They seriously need to rethink the Lipsync Assassins – they need to be given something if they win, because as it stands they don’t seem particularly bothered.

Cracker gets the honour of making the last chops of the season, I was honestly gearing myself up for a Shea elimination – she’s far too close to Jujubee to be that heartless and it benefits her to keep Blair around – she’s not going to pose a threat in a dance performance, no matter how much she insists she is a theatre queen. But Cracker does the correct thing and lops Blair off

blair crying

I always feel sorry when a Queen gets eliminated looking like a bit of a nightmare.

NEXT TIME:

derrick back

Oops, she did it again.

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