All Stars 5, Episode 6 Recap: Ma’am, Where Are Your Eyebrows?

blair call me

Emergency Services, how may I help you?

All’s Ferrah in Love and War

alexis mateo eye roll

In the wake of India’s shenanigans, Alexis is feeling extremely embarrassed, not entirely for herself but for the absolute desperation of India’s last ditch “SHE TOTALLY SAID SHE HATES YOU” to save herself – but also because her mirror message, in the same vein as her exit “speech”, reads like something your mum posts on Facebook:

India Ferrah mirror message

At least have the balls to just write “I hate Alexis Mateo” for God’s sake, go full Thorgy and not this vague-booking scripture nonsense. And it didn’t stop there, oh no, India is lingering like bean farts (the deal with the devil really worked wonders) and she left a few secret notes for some of the Queens, notably omitted were Jujubee and Cracker. Blair was apparently extra special and got a gift:

india gift to blair

Was the straw hat the gift? Because that does seem like a very India thing to give. The big deal though is that Alexis got a note:

india letter to alexis

The “open your heart” line is so damning in the most Christian wine-mum way. The best part is Jujubee has to read it to her because Alexis is 100% done with anything even vaguely India Ferrah related – the entire state of Nevada is dead to her. Las Vegas? Never heard of her.

Sew, Sew:

This week it’s a ball challenge with the theme being a backyard Barbecue at RuPaul’s fracking ranch Louisianan childhood home. The ball only involves 2 looks: Country Cousin Realness and Backyard Ball Eleganza, which they have to make out things you’d find in your backyard. There could easily have been a third look but apparently we had to make time for The RuPaul Tragedy and Trauma Tour™ in which we once again put Shea on the spot about the death of her father and sister – remember that at the live finale? That was super fun… But RuPaul is going to get himself another Emmy off the back’s of other people’s trauma if it’s the last thing he does. It’s just so tone deaf, like imagine someone is pouring their heart out to you, is in floods of tears and THIS is your one response:

rupaul soul sister

Dear God. Props to Shea for pulling through this conversation because I absolutely thought she was about to pull an Asia O’Hara and spend the entire time helping everyone else sew their garments because it is the 5 season of All Stars and apparently queens still don’t know how to sew! Although, at least they are all familiar with a glue gun and prayer.

Blair talks a big game about her sewing and fashion claims – you dressed as a tree, maybe don’t? And the moment she started to just drape that tablecloth over her mannequin you could tell this wasn’t going to end well for her. The lack of unconventional materials in a lot of these looks was surprising and the judges didn’t really call anyone out on it either. The most unconventional anyone got was Shea, although I hesitate to call fabric napkins “unconventional” and Cracker who, at least in the edit, spent a lot of her time either standing around looking like a plucked penguin

cracker tights

or wrapping tow ropes around her neck:

cracker neck

And all this and we didn’t even get to see them choosing their materials, it just dead cut to Shea walking in with this butterfly kite:

shea butterfly kite

WHICH SHE DIDN’T USE and I am mad about it.

IN FRONT OF MY POTATO SALAD?

jujubee potato salad

I’m mainly just curious about how much of an institution potato salad is in America, and why you all hate yourself so much? Are you ok? Should we call someone?

The Main Stage

rupaul yellow gown

This feels like the pineapple gown that Brita wish she had made – although I love it, it’s not very flattering around the waist, the bulging bulging bows and latex creases, I’m not in love with it but it’s at least the second best gown she’s worn this season.

Joining s this week is Bebe Rexha, remember that hot minute when she was feuding with all of the season 10 cast because apparently they weren’t excited to meet her? Good times. Anyway, she’s here and she wants you to know she is VERY wealthy

bebe rexha

beyond looking like the very person Mayhem and Blair were parodying in their hotel challenge, she is here to offer such insightful observations as this:

YOU ATE A CHIP

I’m just gonna do the ranking by category, the first of which were all accompanied by voiceovers and wildly fluctuating comedic effect.

Country Cousin Realness:

5. Alexis

country cousin Alexis

I feel like maybe someone didn’t understand the assignment? Nothing about this read “country cousin” and the voiceover was… well lacked comedy in every respect. Also, God bless her for realising this was terrible and throwing in a needless wig reveal.

4. Blair

country cousin blair

The look is certainly on point for the character, although I think the makeup needed to be a little dirtier and brash – it’s far too pretty. And Blair just isn’t a comedy queen and she herself looked confused and surprised by how unfunny it was.

3. Shea

country cousin Shea

I’m confused about this look – like I love the airbrushed t-shirt, and we all know how RuPaul loves a Drag Race reference, but the styling around it, I just don’t get? And it was hard not to roll your eyes at all of the pandering to Ru, but hey, you gotta get that crown somehow.

2. Cracker

country cousin cracker

That is just Carol Kane.

1. Jujubee

country cousin jujubee

THAT HAT ALONE DESERVED THE WIN. I’m glad Jujubee finally got her “Say something hat day”

Backyard Ball Eleganza

5. Alexis

backyard eleganza Alexisbackyard eleganza Alexis pool

Do I admire that she can walk down the runway with an entire child’s paddling pool around her shins? Yes, I have the utmost respect for that. But everything about this look is so lopsided and drunk.

4. Blair

backyard eleganza Blair

Her ever increasing walk as she realised this was slowly coming undone <3. I like the movement of the outfit, but it was not the high fashion moment she had built us up for and is absolutely the garment that gets eliminated in the Project Runway unconventional challenge for being too pedestrian.

3. Jujubee

backyard eleganza Jujubee

It’s cute, it’s simple, it has puckering issues – but it shapes her SO WELL.

2. Cracker

backyard eleganza cracker

It’s by far the best of the straightforward dresses, the tailoring on the bust isn’t great though, there was daylight between her chest and the straps. I do think she looks cute in it though and it’s one of the more flattering peice she’s worn this season. But her face… Ma’am, where are your eyebrows? It just makes her eyes look so small and peaky.

1. Shea

backyard eleganza Shea

How wasn’t this given more praise? It’s immaculate, it’s sexy and it’s creative and sets itself apart from everything else on the runway. We truly do not deserve Shea Couleé.

Cracker wins the challenge, which I think is fair, but it still irks me that Shea and Jujubee are then automatically in the bottom when they were both stellar this challenge.

Please and Crackers

Backstage the Queens come to a fairly unanimous decision that really the only option this week it to choose between Alexis and Blair and so they have to put their cases to everyone. Blair’s is mainly just repeating “I can’t go home” to everyone while pulling wooby faces

wooby face blair

Hey, it worked.

Cracker changes into another dance outfit that does very little to flatter her

cracker lipsync outfit

and somehow, without the fascinator and the big red earrings her face looks even more lost.

The lipsync assassin for the week is revealed and it’s none other than Roxxxy Andrews looking like she owns every whore house in the Wild West

roxxy andrews feather outfit

I think it just *might* be a reveal guys…

They’re doing a lipsync to One Last Time by Ariana and it’s honestly difficult to remember anything Cracker did because Roxxxy Andrews is such elite level drag – she knows how to execute a reveal despite it being exceptionally obvious that it’s coming, and the garment she reveals to is always better than the last

roxxy andrews revealthick and juicy

She just looks so good and dominates the entire performance by which I mean she stands in front of Cracker who flails around her behind her in an outfit that appears to be falling apart.

roxxy in front of Cracker

Iconic.

It’s a Roxxxy win and she has to reveal that the Queens voted for Alexis to be eliminated. I was genuinely shocked it wasn’t Blair, but perhaps they knew next week was a comedy challenge and she’s easy pickings there.

NEXT WEEK

blair is a furry now

Blair is a furry now.

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