One tells only truth while the other tells only lies.

Will dance for fish.

Alexa, Play “Coconuts” by Kim Petras

As ever we kick off the Quarterfinal with an Invention Test and this week the start ingredient had to be Coconut

you do not understand how much I desperately want a can of greeked MasterChef Coconut Milk to leave at the back of my pantry so long that it becomes a family heirloom, like the 7 jars of Chinese 5 Spice because you never remember you have one and buy a new one every time you make Char Siu.
They did also have more variations of coconut in the decreasingly generous larder

nobody ended up going for the Fresh Coconuts, so unfortunately we do not get to relive the scene from The Restaurant (2009) in which Natalie and Sandy choose only the worst ways to try and open one to the point Raymond Blanc had to wrestle the knife out of their hands

instead the judges had to step in for a couple of other reasons, namely to shoo The Brothers Bream back into the pantry to get more coconut because they were both being very boring as, you’ll probably be unsurprised to learn, when presented with a tin of coconut milk there was an immediate defaulting to Thai Curry Miscellanea

and because of the new larder budget, the show can only afford two sea bream for any one given episode, Matty found himself left out of the Brotherhood of Bream

I HOPE YOU FEEL REALLY BAD, KIERAN

my favourite part is the what feels like incredibly passive aggressive loud decanting of the chocolate chips directly on to his tray like someone else was meant to unload the dishwasher and they’ve left you to do it and the forks have NEVER been louder

I was pleased that he pivoted to a dessert instead of going to the slabs of pork(?) because with only 70 minutes of cooking time that felt like a bit of a trap

and with an Invention Test you should probably scrap your first instinct because that’s too predictable and Matty having to go with his second (or even third) idea

really pushed him to make something quite incredible with this Pineapple and Coconut Tarte Tatin with a trio of coconut accompaniments

yes, the star of the show is obviously the Tarte Tatin but there’s just something about that absolutely perfect quenelle of Chocolate Cremeux that makes my brain happy in the same way managing to perfectly hit the clapping beats in Moral Panic by Nothing But Thieves does – they’re never when you think they are! The judges were just as impressed by Matty’s dessert

unfortunately for Ruchi, her dessert wasn’t quite the same resounding success. She’d gone for a Coconut Panna Cotta, which I’ll be honest I don’t think is any less expected than a vague gesturing towards Thai curries but is maybe a bit ~riskier~ given the roll of the dice that comes with setting times in the MasterChef kitchen

the accompaniments like the caramelised pineapple, coconut crumble and brittle were all great, the Panna Cotta however was just too firm as she’d used too much agar-agar making it more of a Coconut Milk Jelly

it was a shame because flavour-wise, it all still worked.

As mentioned earlier, both Dan and Kieran were sent back to the pantry and I don’t think Dan ever fully recovered from having disappointed senpai

the light left his eyes in this moment and I think his second trip to the larder was more to have a little cry than pick up any more coconut because his dish hadn’t changed a great deal, it was still just the Pan-fried Sea Bream and Hispi Cabbage Roll in a Coconut Sauce with a Coconut and Sea Beet Pesto

I think the biggest problem is that it didn’t feel like an Invention, it just feels like a dish Dan probably already makes. It’s beautifully cooked and tastes lovely, as you’d expect from him, but the Mystery Ingredient round is about going fully galaxy brained.

Kieran’s second run through the Crying Closet was much more successful as he came to the decision of making a Coconut Bhaji that adds both another coconut element to his dish but also some much needed texture to go alongside the Sea Bream and Thai Red Vegetable Fricassee

I wasn’t entirely sure how well a Coconut Bhaji would work – my worry was that it’d be too mealy in the mouth but the judges both raved about it, I think it’s also just a RuPaul situation where they REALLY like it if you take their advise to do Snatch Game as The Concept of Ireland or Juliet, the second cousin of Jack the Ripper

and were overall just really impressed with the level of his cookery which he couldn’t quite believe

I cannot tell you how much I’ve enjoyed this first group of contestants – I think their personalities all balance out so well and they could quite easily carry an entire series themselves. Immaculate vibes.

An Unofficial Coconut Invention Test Dish Ranking:
1. Third Idea’s The Charm
2. When In Doubt, Bhaji It Out
3. Dan Being Restrained From Committing Seppuku In The Car Park
4. Ruchi’s Coconut Panna Cotta Bowla Jello

Getting The Crit-ick

For their Quarterfinal Decider, the chefs would be cooking their two course menus for the three critics hanging out in the all new MasterChef Back Alley like a group of rowdy street cats

and joining William Sitwell and Xanthe Clay is Rahel Stephanie who is stomping into her MasterChef debut like she’s walking for Balenciaga at Paris Fashion Week

a thorough Mothering.

Dan got the round off to an incredibly high standard with his Veal Sweetbread Starter served with a Black Garlic Puree and Wild Garlic Emulsion

it was pretty much a perfect dish and with the sweetbreads (which, as a reminder, are NOT testicles) being quite difficult to cook and prepare, everyone was as impressed with the showcase of technique as they were his balanced of flavours. Which carried on to his lamb main course of Roasted Loin and Confit Belly with a Ratatouille

the real trick to this challenge is managing to strike a perfect balance of workload and technical showcase which is ultimately what scuppered Ruchi because even with Dan doing everything with the dower disposition only found in mid-19th century Yorkshire literature

Ruchi was the one that looked the most like they wanted to run into a thick mist and never be seen again

she’d fallen quite a bit behind with her starter, which is a bit of a mystery because it was a Ceviche. It was almost just sashimi because Monica basically had to cattle prod her to get it curing

it did at least sound interesting though, she was curing the sea bass with Aam Panna, which is an Indian drink made with unripe mangos. But with having fallen behind time and choosing the super secret third option in the Fight or Flight response

she just didn’t manage to do the dish the justice she could’ve and I assume it looked a lot more like a particularly biodiverse pond on an RSPB site than she intended

she did at least manage to claw things back with her Rajasthani Laal Maas, a pan-cooked lamb curry which is partly cooked with a dish of coals in the pot

the smoke hadn’t infused quite enough for the judges but it still tasted great and it looked so rich and moreish

she was a little let down by the side dish, which was a Bati – a type of doughball

the shape and shine of that crust is so perfect you put it in a museum! Marcus however thought the centre was undercooked

however, Ruchi described it as having a crust and a “gooey” centre so I think maybe it’s just like that?

it does sound like it would be kind of a divisive texture though.

Kieran had also started his two course menu off with a fish starter, choosing to do Pan-roasted Monkfish with Mussels poached in Tomato Water served in a Butter Sauce

it’s a very smart looking plate of food and extremely well executed – I don’t know how much he needed the confit tomatoes what with the mussels having been poached in tomato water, which I think is a clever way of imparting that flavour without making anyone eat a slice of tomato. This may be personal bias though… My personal belief is that no dish is elevated by a chunk of tomato but the critics and judges didn’t seem to mind.

For his main course Kieran was doing chicken, a me-using-the-word-“Hegemony”-in-a-university-essay amount of chicken

his inspiration coming from drunk nights out when all inhibition goes out the window

somehow “eating chicken like an apple” is a more unhinged way to describe eating a chicken than the Chicken Dinner Cage Fight post from Tumblr

if I am ever, for whatever reason, able to be a guest judge my brief will be “a dish worthy of laying a tarp down and fighting your best friend for.” Alas, the BBC is too scared to let me wrestle Grace Dent for a bowl of Tempura Prawns. Kieran was unfortunately not encouraging hand-to-hand chicken combat in this knife and fork establishment with his slightly too geometric chicken showcase

it was a resoundingly successful dish which is quite impressive because it probably had the biggest workload, leaving his bench looking a right state

and you know you have a good gravy when William Sitwell is going at it like a moderately well behaved English Setter at a pup-cup

we’re halfway to Cage Match Chicken.

Finally, we have Matty who started his menu off with a Quail dish, a bird we don’t see a lot of, I imagine because it’s quite difficult to stretch the inherent nothingness of quail to a full dish

he was serving it battered in panko breadcrumbs and with a Satay Sauce and pickled cucumber

of all the dishes, this is the one I’d be most interested to order in a restaurant – partly I think because of the novelty of quail and also I’m just a sucker for satay sauce.
His Malaysian influence continued into his Beef Fillet and a Beef and Bone Marrow Wonton main course

I was mostly intrigued by the Wonton, I’m just not a slab of beef person, and it looked very generously filled

it was just a great dish that hung together perfectly and that Cantonese Sauce would’ve been my choice of drink in a game of Gravy Shots

Shots! Shots! Shots!

A Two Course Menu Dish Ranking:
1. Hitting that Sweet(bread) Spot
2. Satay, You Stay
3. MORTAL CHICKEN KOMBAT, NOW.
4. Dan’s Lambatouille
5. Please Sir, I Wonton More.
6. My Anti-Tomato Bias, Sorry Kieran
7. Ruchi’s Divisive Dough Ball
8. Ruchi’s Sea Bass Pond

With the other three all having dishes that were universally praised without any cause for complaint, it was Ruchi being eliminated as The Ladz on Tour move on to the next stage of the competition

I’m gutted that this just wasn’t her episode, she’s been such a star this week, that signature Jalebi dessert is going to be one of the most memorable of the series.