always praying on his enemies’ downfalls.

I sincerely apologise to the Monica Clock for how late this is.

What Are We Even Pudding?

We start the Quarterfinal with an Invention Test, this one being… bad? The central component was Rice Pudding

and instead of all being handed the can of MasterChef-branded Rice Pudding and told to use it in some way, the chefs were all having to make their own rice pudding from a selection of rices but also told that the judges didn’t want *just* a rice pudding…

well guess what you’re getting, Mimi!
Somehow Gemma, who had never experienced the disappointment of a rice pudding (YEAH I SAID IT), was in the best position

as she was able to completely disassociate the concept, and focus on turning it into a tart – a tart that seemingly came with some Undead Almonds

the judges absolutely loved it – the rice was only *just* cooked but they were willing to take anything after having judged the other three who had all served variations on a Bowl of Rice Pudding and Fruit. The least successful was probably Chris who had seemingly just gone insane the moment he had to do a dessert – we were robbed of seeing him confounded by a batch of souffle pancakes. I knew he was on to a loser here the moment he started talking about a Raspberry Mole

I just think you have to accept there’s a point where you make something so much not that thing that you can’t really call it that thing anymore and his Raspberry Mole had long stepped out of the light of God

anything to not say you’ve made Rice Pudding and Jam, huh mate? He had also made a sort of Choux Doughnut filled with a Matcha and Rice Pudding Creme Patissiere

which Marcus deemed “not a rice pudding dish” and therefore disqualified from judging

DIVA, DID YOU WANT THEM TO REINVENT RICE PUDDING OR NOT!? The judges woke up this morning and really decided they hated Chris and everything he stands for – they’d got all they wanted from that photo of him as a chemist so he was dead to them now and Marcus was plotting his ultimate demise

and this is how the android uprising starts.

Where Chris was confounding, Mark was just disappointing having made a Rice Pudding with Strawberries Every Way Except Jammed

he had tried to make it more luxurious by running Chantilly Cream through it but got the ratio way off and ended up making what was essentially just an Eton Mess with more rice in than you’d want in an Eton Mess but less rice than you’d want in a Rice Pudding (which remember, this… wasn’t meant to be?) and the Toasted Rice Ice Cream wasn’t clawing him back any points

everyone was in the trenches this challenge – Dhananjai had a nice concept and interesting flavorus with the lemongrass and Coconut Rice Pudding topped with Spiced Mango and Rhubarb

but it is kind of just Rice Pudding and Fruit but truly I do not know what the judges ACTUALLY wanted beyond Rice Pudding inside a pastry vessel? Truly a terrible challenge that we shall never think about ever again.

An Unofficial Rice Pudding Invention Ranking:
1. Gemma by the Width of a Tart Case
2. Dhananjai Spiced Mangoes And That Was at Least Interesting
3. Mark Drew The Short Straw(berry)
4. Chris’s Evil Raspberry Jam

Critical Hit!

This week’s visiting critics were round two for Jimi Famurewa who was joined by Jay Rayner and unfortunately William Sitwell continues to slither under the door despite the sign I keep putting up

given his track record of how he talks about vegan food, I was particularly worried for Gemma and it’s clear he still doesn’t care for plant-based cookery because he talks about it like a complete plank

I made the same face Jay Rayner did when he tried to pronounce “salmorejo” with an overly enunciated Spanish accent and made it sound like a slur

the Salmorejo, a cold creamy tomato soup originating from Andalusia, was Gemma’s starter which she’d given a Scottish twist to by making it out of carrots instead – it’s still up for debate as to whether the alarming solidness of the soup was also part of the Scottish reinvention

the “do you eat or drink soup?” debate just became a lot harder. The dining room was pretty unanimous in the belief that Gemma had served a carrot puree instead of a soup but they weren’t overly mad about it because it did still taste good and the accompanying Coriander Pesto, Parsnip Fondant Croutons and Crispy Carrot Skins added much needed texture to the dysphagia-friendly roasted carrot mush

her main course was a little more divisive, having decided to do a plant-based version of Haggis with neeps and tattie scones. I was intrigued to see what the haggis was made out of, with it only being revealed to be Portobello Mushrooms once she served it up

I admire her dedication to preserving the necessary beigeness of British food and Jimi and Jay were both really happy with how much like a traditional meat haggis it tasted and she continued to impress them with her puree making

wait until they find out that was also meant to be a soup.
Sitwell of course had to also have opinions, deeming it not be as good as “the real thing” because it wasn’t rubbery enough

you’re on my list, Sitwell.

Gemma wasn’t the only one adding twists to classics as Chris’s main course was ALLEGED to be a twist on Steak and Chips

but I cannot stress enough how obvious it was that it was actually a Big Mac that’d been subjected to a My Fair lady social experiment in a Heston Blumenthal fanfic – burger sauce and all

the resulting dish might honestly be one of the funniest things anyone has served on this show – the not quite fully rested steaks slathered in “burger sauce” to disguise the beefy apoplexy beneath, the length of sad lettuce and the disappointing amount of ~pommes allumettes~ that Jay Rayner took as a personal insult, shaking the small ramekin of fries like someone asking for spare change

it’s a truly confounding dish that just looks bad and nobody was holding back – the extremely gay gasp I did when Jimi called the sauce “a creamy gherkin and shallot nothing” <3

I think they all decided not to pull punches because they had been FAR TOO KIND about how starter of a Pan-fried Scallop with XO Cabbage Leaves and an Oyster Beurre Blanc

I think part of it is the plating – it looks like a mission to eat and the ratio of cabbage to singular scallop is BIZARRE. And none of the cooking was *fantastic* with his Oyster Beurre Blanc not delivering on the oyster flavour and being slightly split

I think it’s incredibly telling how not great Chris’s menu was that Dhananjai getting minuely updates on how late he was got swept completely under the rug with barely a threat to eliminate him

and his food was also a little divisive, especially his Buttered Prawns with Macerated Pears and Peaches in a Chilli Butter Sauce and Green Goddess inspired oil on the side

it strikes me as an absurd combination of ingredients that would probably scare me from ordering it off a menu, the peach and prawn combination in specific. But the only real complaint was from Sitwell who couldn’t handle the sake in the oil

I would personally argue that maybe you’d used too much? It was just meant to split the butter, not drench everything in it

it was probably an element that Dhananjai should’ve applied to the plate himself to get the right ratio if it was going to pack such a strong punch though.

Dhananjai’s main course of a Chicken Ballotine stuffed with Apricot and Pistachios in a Makhani Sauce was met with much more successful

there was some light criticism over the lack of searing he’d given to the chicken skin, leaving it a little bit flabby but again, he was running late and didn’t want the Monica Clock to get too angry with him

he could maybe have sacrificed hog-tying it up in chive leaves in favour of a quick searing though.

Lastly we have Mark who was the only one that was doing a dessert, it of course the one dessert that necessitates a blowtorch

it wasn’t a true Baked Alaska with the judges agreeing to call it a “Stacked Baked Alaska” (which is decidedly NOT A THING anywhere outside of that dining room)

it was a perfectly fine dessert that was probably a better display of Mark’s technical skills than his point of view as a chef – he’d made a parfait, meringue and sable biscuits but the one interesting flavour note, the rosemary in the biscuits, just hadn’t come through strong enough so what you got was just a Rhubarb and White Chocolate semi-baked Alaska that wasn’t hugely exciting but still much appreciated as a pudding

I was more taken by his main course of John Dory, which he’d butchered in such a way as to give everyone as little John Dory as possible

and just to thrust the final dagger into Chris’s heart, he’d done ~pommes allumettes~ that were met with resounding appreciation.

An Unofficial Two Course Menu Dish Ranking:
1. Mark’s Suspiciously John Dory-shaped Belly
2. Beige Dinner!
3. Dhananjai’s Chive Shibari Chicken
4. Questionably Solid Soup
5. Stacked Baked Alaska! At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
6. A Sake Too Far
7. Chris’s Impossible Scallop Salad
8. Lipstick on a Big Mac

This episode seemed to have one objective and that was to get rid of Chris as soon as possible and with Monica and Marcus pulling concerned and thoughtful faces every time he strung two sentences together – mission accomplished, I guess?

with the remaining three all going through to Knockout Week

I really like this trio, I feel like Gemma has the best opportunity to go far? Her Italian influenced plant-based food has real legs to it whereas Mark I feel has maybe played down his Barbecue Aficionado hook down too early and muddied his impression? And Dhananjai annoyed Monica and Marcus too much this episode – I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that.